I’ve decided that my main goals for this coming semester are to have more self discipline and continue working on being social, but this time I want to try to really get to know more people and not just know then superficially.

I’m thinking discipline is important for me at this point in my life because it’s something I’ve lacked for a long time and could help me accomplish my other goals. The last time I remember being completely disciplined was when I was in sixth grade. I don’t know exactly what happened that first week in school, but I simply decided I was going to start coming home and doing my homework. That year I was in the Honor Roll every bimester, I was the Mrs. Woods favorite student, I also was appointed a C.O.D. (Cuerpo de Orden y Disciplina) (Body of Order and Discipline), which is sort of like a student aid for the teachers/example for the rest of the students to follow and the next year I was assigned to the Plan Piloto (Pilot Plan) program, which is the classroom where all the smart kids go. It’s meant to increase competition amongst the students and help them feed of each other. I know there are similar programs in schools here in the states, but I don’t remember their names.

My point is that discipline has been good to me in the past. I am disciplined only with the things I care about the most and even then not all the time. I get this great ideas for business and I start working on them, but there’s always going to be some obstacle that is just too boring, hard, detailed, technical, whatever… and I eventually drop the project. If I had the discipline to just continue working on them even if it is just a little bit at a time then I can see all of those projects realized. At least that’s my theory right now.

I just finished doing my Finance homework. Something that I’ve done three times out of maybe ten times the professor has assigned one. It felt good just having something completed. If I would only do all of my homeworks and study a little bit every day, I know I would be getting straight A’s in this class.

So those are my goals.

Peace,

I said that I was disconnected, and I am… But I’ve also started to feel like I’m connecting with people. Now when I look at people I see things in common rather than just something I’m trying to figure out. I understand why people sometimes stay away from me or feel embarrassed. I understand why my ex girlfriend did it. I also feel like now that I’m starting to see things differently, I should also change the way my website looks and probably even take out some of the articles I’ve written in the past, just because I don’t think they reflect the way I am anymore, but I know I can’t do that ’cause the point of this website is to show myself as I become. So maybe there’s another person that will look at everything I’ve written from beginning to end and understand where I’m coming from.

Talking about my past and my childhood problems doesn’t carry the same weight for me anymore. I don’t relive things the way I used to, nor do I care to relive them. I take this as a sign that I’m almost healed. Life is good now.

I feel disconnected. As if I look at the people in this world and pretend to really be a part of everything that is happening. Not because I’m better, but because of the way I developed into what I am today. People were generally not a factor of my life. Touch, was not a factor. Smiles and the word “love” were not a factor. This is why I feel disconnected and underdeveloped when it comes to human interaction.

I don’t know how much people can see, if they pay that much attention to me, but I know its there.

My smile is fake, a hug is still uncomfortable. It is as if every breath I take was thought of. I crave attention, just like a child. Maybe that’s the true reason for everything I write. I’m just trying to get better. Maybe one day I will feel normal. I think I will.

Damn I should follow my instincts all the time. These days I feel like I do follow they a lot more often, but if I would have only done that before…  I know why I’m saying and I know it’s not worth looking into the past when it comes to stuff like this. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Just wanted to remind myself. Put it in writing. Make it a habit.

I need to change the way this website looks. It’s full of text and it’s hard to read. Something else I need to do in the next few months. Hopefully before August…

I just finished watching another episode of Law and Order. This one was about a half black, half Asian kid that was a product of his mother being raped. Without ever knowing his father, he ends up raping and murdering Asian women. And while he was growing up with his Asian side of the family in China Town, he was always belittled and insulted not only by people outside the family, but also in the family. So, did he commit these crimes because he had the genes of his criminal father or was it because of his environment growing up?

The more I think about genes and whether or not they influence our actions, I have to believe they somehow do. However, our environment plays a big role in helping us become what we choose to become. About genetics, for example, how can we explain the instinct of a baby to suck on a nipple and hold the breath underwater? Some of our actions are so tightly sown into our genetics that we no longer think about them; like coughing. We cough because we want to expel something from our body, but I never thought about the actual step by step act of coughing while I was doing it…

I’m convinced though, that our environment plays a much bigger role in our becoming than our genetics. Well, come to think about it, our genetics influence the way others look at us and that over a long period of time can cause any person to create new behavioral patterns, whether good or bad. Our environment is not just people, it is also resources available to us that will influence the way we eat and dress.

I can’t think of anything more important for children than to have an environment and the resources necessary to help them succeed in life. This is why I prefer to help the youngest. Because even though it takes more time and dedication to help a young person, it is easier than to have to fight and fix already learned behaviors. I keep saying I’m going to make something out of The Bullen Foundation. Maybe this is the year it happens.

About the title: it’s been a while since I read about redwood trees, but they didn’t become simply because of one aspect of their everyday life. It is the seed, the water, the sun and the rest of the plants and trees around them that in time transformed a tree into a redwood tree.

I’m in Houston waiting for my flight to San Diego. Right after I got off the plane, while I was on the jet bridge, a customs guy stops me:

- Sir, where are you coming from?

- Panama (I feel like he should know that)

- What were you doing in Panama?

- Visiting my mom.

- For how long where you there?

- 9 days

- What’s your profession?

- I’m a student

- Who paid for your ticket to Panama?

- I paid for it.

- how did you pay for your ticket? What’s your profession?

OK, this is getting annoying now… My ears are still buzzing from the airplane flight and this guy is asking me repetitive questions… so I tell him once again…. slowly this time

- STUDENT

Figure it out buddy… Students some times work, they get student loans, they get money from their parents, etc.

He wrote something on my customs sheet. It read BCC and some other three letters I couldn’t make out… Now what was that about? I was pretty sure those letters meant something pretty important. Somewhere down the line before I get to baggage claim I’m going to be asked more questions…

Passing through Immigration… Check
I’m on my way to Baggage claim, but then… a security guy asks for my customs paper again.

- Where are you coming from? Where are you going?

Same questions all over again. Is this really necessary?

This time he only asks two questions and I’m off. But I had to ask him something, I’ve been asked twice already and I don’t know why:

- How come you are only stopping black people today?

I noticed that while I was waiting for my luggage, two black girls were stopped and another black guy. Those are all the people they stopped. Those were almost all the black people waiting for luggage.

- I beg your pardon sir?

I repeated my question exactly the same way. No attitude, just an honest question looking for an honest answer. You can tell I caught him off guard. Both times I asked the question while looking at him directly in the eyes and without hesitating. It was unexpected.

- I’m sorry sir (he stutters a bit), I’m starting to have a problem with you, what was that question again?

He rests his hand on his pistol like all police officers do when they want to feel in power.

Quick thought: I got a plane to catch and if I’m detained because of this guy, I may not get on it on time…

- Oh nothing, don’t worry about it.

- Alright sir.

I turn in my customs paper, I get my luggage, I think I made it.

Now the customs officer I gave the sheet to:

- Oh, sir, please go through that door on your left and follow the green arrow.

She puts my customs sheet on a purple folder and gives it back to me.

I knew it, it was those letters the first guy wrote on my customs sheet. As I enter, I look around the room and there is about 10 passengers from different flights, I suppose. One white lady and another old white man, the rest are blacks and hispanics. I had to notice it because in a country where 60% are white, the probability theory tells me that there should be a higher amount of white people. At least that’s what I understood from my Statistics class.

Now most of the people have blue folders, I got a purple one… Shit, that first guy made me extra special. He must have not liked it when I made him look stupid when I said “student” slowly.

The officer that attended to me was actually nice. He asked me the same questions all over again, except when I told him I was in Panama he asked me where abouts.

- Albrook, I said.
- Oh that’s a nice area, big and expensive houses around there.

- …

- I’ve been to the Albrook airport in Panama a few times.

- So what is all this about? Random checking?

- Yeah, nothing to worry about, he said.

He scans my luggage with the x-ray machine then asks:

- What’s that round thing you have in your luggage?

He points at my friend Lange’s luggage. I’m doing him a favor of flying it to San Diego and shipping it from there cause its cheaper.

- I don’t know, its my friend’s suitcase.

- You should never take things from friends if you don’t know what they are.

He’s right, but the truth is I forgot what it was. Any answer I was going to give him would have been stupid. So I just spit one out.

- I know, I said. He’s a good friend. I know him well.

Open the luggage, rip the newspaper wrap, uncover the round object… It was a cup.

- Alright dude, have a good one.
- Alright man, you too.

I was walking to my gate, the loud speakers at the airport come off.

“Any remarks or jokes to security may result in your arrest…”

Ooops. Well I don’t opose security, but if I want to know where all the questions are coming from, I think I deserve an answer. An honest answer.

Con cada palpitación
Con cada contracción de este musculo mío llamado el corazón
Me fluye la sangre
Transportando el nectar que necesito para seguir viviendo
Con cada latido
Mi mente piensa en tí
Mi nariz busca el fragante olor de tu cuerpo seductor
Mi mirada abraza cada poro de tu cuerpo como si fuera su escultor
Y siento que ya no puedo más
Es muy difícil seguir viviendo asi
Dia y noche pienso en ti
Pero tu no respondes… que será de mi?
Mi corazón se expande… se contrae
Se expande nuevamente y la sangre fluye y fluye
Mi cuerpo y mi ser
Todo lo pongo a tus pies
Por favor responde
Hazme saber que tan si quiera mi imagen cruzó algún día tu mente
Que no soy torpe porque pienso en tí como alimento al hambre
Dime que me quieres…

Dime que me quieres pero dilo suavemente
No vaya a ser que me exite fuertemente
Y este inútil corazón mío que vive para tí…
Pare de latir…
Y entonces, amor mío, que sera de mí?
Qué será de las noches que planeé para tí
Las rosas que no te hicieron sonreir
Los abrazos que nunca te dí
Los besos que no tocaron tus labios
Y las piernas que nunca esparsí…

Regalame una sonrisa tan siguiera
Regalame una mirada seductora
Y si es verdad que no me quieres
Dimelo tambien, que hoy mi alma muere
Pero no sin una batalla mas
Porque yo iré al cielo
Y le rogaré al Todo Supremo
Que me retorne a tu lado
En el cuerpo del que es tu verdadero amado
Lo que sea para hacerte feliz
Así es todo lo que fluye dentro de mí

I feel like people still don´t know who I am and what I want to do with my life. It´s that little boost I need from just one good product. It could be a music track, a successful restaurant, whatever. I need to catch that wave and ride it for as long and as hard as possible. People need to see in order to believe, and I need them to believe in order to feel good. Because without people who believe I can´t sell and get rich, or create art and be famous. Pretty simple I think.

I need to put myself in the front line though. Start making good music, open the damn business even if it costs me a lot of money and time. It´s the only way anything is ever going to happen.

In a few days I´ll be 28. I still feel the same about myself so that´s good. One day maybe I´ll feel like most grownups: give up my dreams and be “responsible.” Find a job and all that shit. For now I just want to keep doing what I feel like doing, which I don´t think it´s a bad thing at all.

The Swine flu, yet another reminder of how quickly things can change. It was just a week ago when life seemed wonderful and everlasting. Then all of a sudden Mexico City is hit with an outbreak of the swine flu and 150 people so far have died. Now the concerns are high amongst the rest of us here in the country and bordering towns, and I’m wondering what’s going to happen during the next 3 months. Truth be told, I’m glad school has been canceled for the next week at least. I was getting tired of getting up and feeling like I was pretending to be interested in school, especially when I know my passion stands still on business and now socializing.

So now, because of this virus outbreak, we have international students heading back home, people everywhere on the streets wearing masks, a lot of people are paying close attention to the news and are wondering whether they should also go home, and like I mentioned before, school is out for at least one week. I’m not worried about much though. It does worry me that I can get infected, but if that is the case I know I can afford the best treatment available and have a good probability of not dying. I’m also worried that if this virus is not controlled soon, it will affect the number of exchange students coming to Mexico next semester and affect the business plans I had in mind. As for the rest, it is all good. There are only 3 weeks of class left and if my university of the US government decides it is better for me to return home, then I have an excuse not to do final exams. I am still planning on traveling during the summer and continuing my life as usual. Perhaps, I’ll even have time to visit my mom in Panama for a couple of weeks.

Today I’m going to pack my bags and prepare things in case I do have to leave Mexico in a rush. It’s the smart thing to do and I’m going to advice my roommates to do the same. And so I remember positive while I’m swining.