Going out is getting really boring for me lately. I feel like it’s always the same thing. I need to do something different with my free time. The problem is that I don’t want to disappear completely from the social scene. I just want to have different conversations, experience different things and maybe even find a girl I can have a steady relationship with.

I was at this party last night and this is all I kept thinking. It really is the same thing over and over…

I know what I’m supposed to do. I know I should ignore the bad things, hold on to the good things, take advantage of every single opportunity and never quit. However, it gets hard to ignore the bad things, the untold truths about our nature and the way things are.

I hear your silent words, I hear all of your words… knowing the technicalities doesn’t make me a machine. I still got feelings, and your attitude towards me hurts. Knowing things would be different if the world wasn’t what it is today. Knowing you are not strong enough to ignore the world…

And then you speak to me about love. When in reality the word is just a delicate facade for the real reason people get together. You don’t see yourself in me. Let’s live it at that. So untag yourself all you want. You’re not the only one with a mouse.

When it seems like the world looks at you as if you’re supposed to be a fuck up. When your own parents tell you you’re a fuck up. When nobody believes in yourself… shit gets really hard to handle. It would be much easier to be done with life as I know it. I was supposed to end my life many years ago anyways. The only reason why I’m still here is because I believe in myself. I believe some day soon I’ll be everything I dreamed I would ever be. I believe I’m already becoming what I’m meant to be.

Right now I wish for the whole world to go fuck itself. For everything bad I represent even before I was born, before I had a chance to speak for myself, before they even asked me my name.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about these things. Year after year, day after day, I deal with looks that turn into words and then into actions. I can stand quietly in any corner of any street in the world and I can still ’cause a reaction on most people. Make them tuck their purses, make them smile, make them cross the street, almost never nothing happens. At least not for the past 28 years I’ve been alive.

I feel like my parents should have made my life easier for me growing up. I don’t think they did. I would trade my parents and all the scars they inflicted in my mind just for peace. These scars I try to hide every day. Every fucking day of my life I tell myself “shit is alright”, “shit is going to be better”… I’m tired of talking to myself, padding myself on the back and I don’t want anybody to feel sorry for me either. I just want everything and by now I should have something, but I don’t feel like I do.

And then I think: I shouldn’t even be writing this shit down, ’cause this is how the world is and life doesn’t deal everybody a good hand. If my life was a game of poker I’d say I was dealt a 9 and a 3. A 9 for having parents who stuck together and provided a steady income for the family, and a 3 for being black.

Happy fucking New Year…

I just saw a picture of an ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend and it made my heart beat faster. There is only one person that does this to me. Why? I was never ready to let her go I suppose. But she’s no longer mine and I need to find the way to let it go.

I don’t have a clear idea of why this is happening either. I haven’t thought about her in a long time. I thought I was over her actually. I know it sounds ridiculous to now know what I’m feeling, but sometimes I do things and I’m not sure why.

I cannot complain about anything. The shit that happens in my life are always followed by good things. There are ups and downs happening all the time and I know how to work everything work for me. Ride the good times and learn from the bad ones. In the end, it’s all about what I make out of the situation.

A couple of days ago I was sitting down thinking about opportunities, and I was thinking that for the people that know how to spot opportunities and make them work for themselves, there are no bad days. When I get into deep shit, as serious as the problem might be at the moment, I know that when I get out of it I would have learned something new. Now if I only had more discipline go with that…

I finished all my classes this semester with no problems. I received 260 hours of community service and I’m working on the last 220, even though that means there won’t be a brake between semesters. Insight Society is up and running and I’m in the middle of planning the activities for next semester. My family will be in Panama for Christmas and this week I’ve been talking to a girl that makes me lose my cool… I like it.

I meet a lot of random people. Shaking hands and giving kiss on cheeks is probably how I’ll get sick again. I’ve got rent money, a dream (like always), and slowly but surely everything seems to line up in front of me.

I friend with his successful coffee business made me think about Bullen Tea again. I’m thinking I’m starting to feel a bit tired of chasing my dreams, but it’s impossible to stop. I don’t think I’ll ever know how to live without trying to be better.

People see me as a happy person. 14 years ago, nobody would have said that. 20 years ago I was a very lonely child… I will never forget the emotional pain and how hard it was to go from wanting to belong somewhere to understanding that I should be able to stand on my own two feet at all times.

The idea of getting married scares me still, and I think I’m far from it, but I do wish I had a steady girl in my life. It’s been a while since I shared my bed with a girl and felt comfortable doing it. I want the feeling of getting to know somebody really well. I want to surprise her with flowers. I want to lay in bed, watch t.v. and eat pizza while I carefully study every inch of her body. I want to wake up on Sundays and be surprised with breakfast. I want everything I don’t have right now, and when I do get it, I still want to feel free. I want the girl I’ve been thinking about for the past week to be mine.

Another great party at the Insight Society house. Over 200 people came over to celebrate Lange’s birthday and keep the house warm. Definitely a night to remember.

I’ve decided that my main goals for this coming semester are to have more self discipline and continue working on being social, but this time I want to try to really get to know more people and not just know then superficially.

I’m thinking discipline is important for me at this point in my life because it’s something I’ve lacked for a long time and could help me accomplish my other goals. The last time I remember being completely disciplined was when I was in sixth grade. I don’t know exactly what happened that first week in school, but I simply decided I was going to start coming home and doing my homework. That year I was in the Honor Roll every bimester, I was the Mrs. Woods favorite student, I also was appointed a C.O.D. (Cuerpo de Orden y Disciplina) (Body of Order and Discipline), which is sort of like a student aid for the teachers/example for the rest of the students to follow and the next year I was assigned to the Plan Piloto (Pilot Plan) program, which is the classroom where all the smart kids go. It’s meant to increase competition amongst the students and help them feed of each other. I know there are similar programs in schools here in the states, but I don’t remember their names.

My point is that discipline has been good to me in the past. I am disciplined only with the things I care about the most and even then not all the time. I get this great ideas for business and I start working on them, but there’s always going to be some obstacle that is just too boring, hard, detailed, technical, whatever… and I eventually drop the project. If I had the discipline to just continue working on them even if it is just a little bit at a time then I can see all of those projects realized. At least that’s my theory right now.

I just finished doing my Finance homework. Something that I’ve done three times out of maybe ten times the professor has assigned one. It felt good just having something completed. If I would only do all of my homeworks and study a little bit every day, I know I would be getting straight A’s in this class.

So those are my goals.

Peace,

I said that I was disconnected, and I am… But I’ve also started to feel like I’m connecting with people. Now when I look at people I see things in common rather than just something I’m trying to figure out. I understand why people sometimes stay away from me or feel embarrassed. I understand why my ex girlfriend did it. I also feel like now that I’m starting to see things differently, I should also change the way my website looks and probably even take out some of the articles I’ve written in the past, just because I don’t think they reflect the way I am anymore, but I know I can’t do that ’cause the point of this website is to show myself as I become. So maybe there’s another person that will look at everything I’ve written from beginning to end and understand where I’m coming from.

Talking about my past and my childhood problems doesn’t carry the same weight for me anymore. I don’t relive things the way I used to, nor do I care to relive them. I take this as a sign that I’m almost healed. Life is good now.

I feel disconnected. As if I look at the people in this world and pretend to really be a part of everything that is happening. Not because I’m better, but because of the way I developed into what I am today. People were generally not a factor of my life. Touch, was not a factor. Smiles and the word “love” were not a factor. This is why I feel disconnected and underdeveloped when it comes to human interaction.

I don’t know how much people can see, if they pay that much attention to me, but I know its there.

My smile is fake, a hug is still uncomfortable. It is as if every breath I take was thought of. I crave attention, just like a child. Maybe that’s the true reason for everything I write. I’m just trying to get better. Maybe one day I will feel normal. I think I will.

Damn I should follow my instincts all the time. These days I feel like I do follow they a lot more often, but if I would have only done that before…  I know why I’m saying and I know it’s not worth looking into the past when it comes to stuff like this. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Just wanted to remind myself. Put it in writing. Make it a habit.