I just saw a picture of an ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend and it made my heart beat faster. There is only one person that does this to me. Why? I was never ready to let her go I suppose. But she’s no longer mine and I need to find the way to let it go.
I don’t have a clear idea of why this is happening either. I haven’t thought about her in a long time. I thought I was over her actually. I know it sounds ridiculous to now know what I’m feeling, but sometimes I do things and I’m not sure why.
Another great party at the Insight Society house. Over 200 people came over to celebrate Lange’s birthday and keep the house warm. Definitely a night to remember.
I’ve decided that my main goals for this coming semester are to have more self discipline and continue working on being social, but this time I want to try to really get to know more people and not just know then superficially.
I’m thinking discipline is important for me at this point in my life because it’s something I’ve lacked for a long time and could help me accomplish my other goals. The last time I remember being completely disciplined was when I was in sixth grade. I don’t know exactly what happened that first week in school, but I simply decided I was going to start coming home and doing my homework. That year I was in the Honor Roll every bimester, I was the Mrs. Woods favorite student, I also was appointed a C.O.D. (Cuerpo de Orden y Disciplina) (Body of Order and Discipline), which is sort of like a student aid for the teachers/example for the rest of the students to follow and the next year I was assigned to the Plan Piloto (Pilot Plan) program, which is the classroom where all the smart kids go. It’s meant to increase competition amongst the students and help them feed of each other. I know there are similar programs in schools here in the states, but I don’t remember their names.
My point is that discipline has been good to me in the past. I am disciplined only with the things I care about the most and even then not all the time. I get this great ideas for business and I start working on them, but there’s always going to be some obstacle that is just too boring, hard, detailed, technical, whatever… and I eventually drop the project. If I had the discipline to just continue working on them even if it is just a little bit at a time then I can see all of those projects realized. At least that’s my theory right now.
I just finished doing my Finance homework. Something that I’ve done three times out of maybe ten times the professor has assigned one. It felt good just having something completed. If I would only do all of my homeworks and study a little bit every day, I know I would be getting straight A’s in this class.
I said that I was disconnected, and I am… But I’ve also started to feel like I’m connecting with people. Now when I look at people I see things in common rather than just something I’m trying to figure out. I understand why people sometimes stay away from me or feel embarrassed. I understand why my ex girlfriend did it. I also feel like now that I’m starting to see things differently, I should also change the way my website looks and probably even take out some of the articles I’ve written in the past, just because I don’t think they reflect the way I am anymore, but I know I can’t do that ’cause the point of this website is to show myself as I become. So maybe there’s another person that will look at everything I’ve written from beginning to end and understand where I’m coming from.
Talking about my past and my childhood problems doesn’t carry the same weight for me anymore. I don’t relive things the way I used to, nor do I care to relive them. I take this as a sign that I’m almost healed. Life is good now.
I feel disconnected. As if I look at the people in this world and pretend to really be a part of everything that is happening. Not because I’m better, but because of the way I developed into what I am today. People were generally not a factor of my life. Touch, was not a factor. Smiles and the word “love” were not a factor. This is why I feel disconnected and underdeveloped when it comes to human interaction.
I don’t know how much people can see, if they pay that much attention to me, but I know its there.
My smile is fake, a hug is still uncomfortable. It is as if every breath I take was thought of. I crave attention, just like a child. Maybe that’s the true reason for everything I write. I’m just trying to get better. Maybe one day I will feel normal. I think I will.
Damn I should follow my instincts all the time. These days I feel like I do follow they a lot more often, but if I would have only done that before… I know why I’m saying and I know it’s not worth looking into the past when it comes to stuff like this. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Just wanted to remind myself. Put it in writing. Make it a habit.
I just finished watching another episode of Law and Order. This one was about a half black, half Asian kid that was a product of his mother being raped. Without ever knowing his father, he ends up raping and murdering Asian women. And while he was growing up with his Asian side of the family in China Town, he was always belittled and insulted not only by people outside the family, but also in the family. So, did he commit these crimes because he had the genes of his criminal father or was it because of his environment growing up?
The more I think about genes and whether or not they influence our actions, I have to believe they somehow do. However, our environment plays a big role in helping us become what we choose to become. About genetics, for example, how can we explain the instinct of a baby to suck on a nipple and hold the breath underwater? Some of our actions are so tightly sown into our genetics that we no longer think about them; like coughing. We cough because we want to expel something from our body, but I never thought about the actual step by step act of coughing while I was doing it…
I’m convinced though, that our environment plays a much bigger role in our becoming than our genetics. Well, come to think about it, our genetics influence the way others look at us and that over a long period of time can cause any person to create new behavioral patterns, whether good or bad. Our environment is not just people, it is also resources available to us that will influence the way we eat and dress.
I can’t think of anything more important for children than to have an environment and the resources necessary to help them succeed in life. This is why I prefer to help the youngest. Because even though it takes more time and dedication to help a young person, it is easier than to have to fight and fix already learned behaviors. I keep saying I’m going to make something out of The Bullen Foundation. Maybe this is the year it happens.
About the title: it’s been a while since I read about redwood trees, but they didn’t become simply because of one aspect of their everyday life. It is the seed, the water, the sun and the rest of the plants and trees around them that in time transformed a tree into a redwood tree.
- how did you pay for your ticket? What’s your profession?
OK, this is getting annoying now… My ears are still buzzing from the airplane flight and this guy is asking me repetitive questions… so I tell him once again…. slowly this time
- STUDENT
Figure it out buddy… Students some times work, they get student loans, they get money from their parents, etc.
He wrote something on my customs sheet. It read BCC and some other three letters I couldn’t make out… Now what was that about? I was pretty sure those letters meant something pretty important. Somewhere down the line before I get to baggage claim I’m going to be asked more questions…
Passing through Immigration… Check
I’m on my way to Baggage claim, but then… a security guy asks for my customs paper again.
- Where are you coming from? Where are you going?
Same questions all over again. Is this really necessary?
This time he only asks two questions and I’m off. But I had to ask him something, I’ve been asked twice already and I don’t know why:
- How come you are only stopping black people today?
I noticed that while I was waiting for my luggage, two black girls were stopped and another black guy. Those are all the people they stopped. Those were almost all the black people waiting for luggage.
- I beg your pardon sir?
I repeated my question exactly the same way. No attitude, just an honest question looking for an honest answer. You can tell I caught him off guard. Both times I asked the question while looking at him directly in the eyes and without hesitating. It was unexpected.
- I’m sorry sir (he stutters a bit), I’m starting to have a problem with you, what was that question again?
He rests his hand on his pistol like all police officers do when they want to feel in power.
Quick thought: I got a plane to catch and if I’m detained because of this guy, I may not get on it on time…
- Oh nothing, don’t worry about it.
- Alright sir.
I turn in my customs paper, I get my luggage, I think I made it.
Now the customs officer I gave the sheet to:
- Oh, sir, please go through that door on your left and follow the green arrow.
She puts my customs sheet on a purple folder and gives it back to me.
I knew it, it was those letters the first guy wrote on my customs sheet. As I enter, I look around the room and there is about 10 passengers from different flights, I suppose. One white lady and another old white man, the rest are blacks and hispanics. I had to notice it because in a country where 60% are white, the probability theory tells me that there should be a higher amount of white people. At least that’s what I understood from my Statistics class.
Now most of the people have blue folders, I got a purple one… Shit, that first guy made me extra special. He must have not liked it when I made him look stupid when I said “student” slowly.
The officer that attended to me was actually nice. He asked me the same questions all over again, except when I told him I was in Panama he asked me where abouts.
- Albrook, I said.
- Oh that’s a nice area, big and expensive houses around there.
- …
- I’ve been to the Albrook airport in Panama a few times.
- So what is all this about? Random checking?
- Yeah, nothing to worry about, he said.
He scans my luggage with the x-ray machine then asks:
- What’s that round thing you have in your luggage?
He points at my friend Lange’s luggage. I’m doing him a favor of flying it to San Diego and shipping it from there cause its cheaper.
- I don’t know, its my friend’s suitcase.
- You should never take things from friends if you don’t know what they are.
He’s right, but the truth is I forgot what it was. Any answer I was going to give him would have been stupid. So I just spit one out.
- I know, I said. He’s a good friend. I know him well.
Open the luggage, rip the newspaper wrap, uncover the round object… It was a cup.
- Alright dude, have a good one.
- Alright man, you too.
I was walking to my gate, the loud speakers at the airport come off.
“Any remarks or jokes to security may result in your arrest…”
Ooops. Well I don’t opose security, but if I want to know where all the questions are coming from, I think I deserve an answer. An honest answer.
Con cada palpitación
Con cada contracción de este musculo mío llamado el corazón
Me fluye la sangre
Transportando el nectar que necesito para seguir viviendo
Con cada latido
Mi mente piensa en tí
Mi nariz busca el fragante olor de tu cuerpo seductor
Mi mirada abraza cada poro de tu cuerpo como si fuera su escultor
Y siento que ya no puedo más
Es muy difícil seguir viviendo asi
Dia y noche pienso en ti
Pero tu no respondes… que será de mi?
Mi corazón se expande… se contrae
Se expande nuevamente y la sangre fluye y fluye
Mi cuerpo y mi ser
Todo lo pongo a tus pies
Por favor responde
Hazme saber que tan si quiera mi imagen cruzó algún día tu mente
Que no soy torpe porque pienso en tí como alimento al hambre
Dime que me quieres…
Dime que me quieres pero dilo suavemente
No vaya a ser que me exite fuertemente
Y este inútil corazón mío que vive para tí…
Pare de latir…
Y entonces, amor mío, que sera de mí?
Qué será de las noches que planeé para tí
Las rosas que no te hicieron sonreir
Los abrazos que nunca te dí
Los besos que no tocaron tus labios
Y las piernas que nunca esparsí…
Regalame una sonrisa tan siguiera
Regalame una mirada seductora
Y si es verdad que no me quieres
Dimelo tambien, que hoy mi alma muere
Pero no sin una batalla mas
Porque yo iré al cielo
Y le rogaré al Todo Supremo
Que me retorne a tu lado
En el cuerpo del que es tu verdadero amado
Lo que sea para hacerte feliz
Así es todo lo que fluye dentro de mí
I feel like people still don´t know who I am and what I want to do with my life. It´s that little boost I need from just one good product. It could be a music track, a successful restaurant, whatever. I need to catch that wave and ride it for as long and as hard as possible. People need to see in order to believe, and I need them to believe in order to feel good. Because without people who believe I can´t sell and get rich, or create art and be famous. Pretty simple I think.
I need to put myself in the front line though. Start making good music, open the damn business even if it costs me a lot of money and time. It´s the only way anything is ever going to happen.
In a few days I´ll be 28. I still feel the same about myself so that´s good. One day maybe I´ll feel like most grownups: give up my dreams and be “responsible.” Find a job and all that shit. For now I just want to keep doing what I feel like doing, which I don´t think it´s a bad thing at all.
The Swine flu, yet another reminder of how quickly things can change. It was just a week ago when life seemed wonderful and everlasting. Then all of a sudden Mexico City is hit with an outbreak of the swine flu and 150 people so far have died. Now the concerns are high amongst the rest of us here in the country and bordering towns, and I’m wondering what’s going to happen during the next 3 months. Truth be told, I’m glad school has been canceled for the next week at least. I was getting tired of getting up and feeling like I was pretending to be interested in school, especially when I know my passion stands still on business and now socializing.
So now, because of this virus outbreak, we have international students heading back home, people everywhere on the streets wearing masks, a lot of people are paying close attention to the news and are wondering whether they should also go home, and like I mentioned before, school is out for at least one week. I’m not worried about much though. It does worry me that I can get infected, but if that is the case I know I can afford the best treatment available and have a good probability of not dying. I’m also worried that if this virus is not controlled soon, it will affect the number of exchange students coming to Mexico next semester and affect the business plans I had in mind. As for the rest, it is all good. There are only 3 weeks of class left and if my university of the US government decides it is better for me to return home, then I have an excuse not to do final exams. I am still planning on traveling during the summer and continuing my life as usual. Perhaps, I’ll even have time to visit my mom in Panama for a couple of weeks.
Today I’m going to pack my bags and prepare things in case I do have to leave Mexico in a rush. It’s the smart thing to do and I’m going to advice my roommates to do the same. And so I remember positive while I’m swining.
It’s been a while since the last time I wrote, I know… I think about writing every day but me dan webasand I end up doing something that calls my attention a little bit more at the time. Lately I’ve been thinking about the images societies have created on different races and how some big event or a set of them shifted people’s perceptions to what they are today. These perceptions will always be changing. Usually at a slow pace, but doesn’t necessarily have to be.
I’m specifically thinking about the perception Mexican people have about white people with blond hair. It seems most Mexicans want to be of fair skin and if they are, they usually have a higher level of confidence about themselves. If we look at a magazine or turn on the t.v. or whatever, we’re most likely to see the person with the fairest skin as the one with the highest position of power. Tele-novelas are a clear example: they don’t represent at all the population in Mexico. The actors and actresses usually have very fair complexion. Something you wouldn’t see in the majority of Mexicans, but this is what people seem to like around here, or are at least used to.
The skin color thing probably has something to do with the colonization of Mexico. Imagine you are part of a group where everybody looks like you when all of a sudden a new group where everybody also looks alike, but different from your group, start taking away everything you and your people ever had. It would be hard not to recognize you are being defeated, or that the new group is stronger than you. When a group ends up being completely oppressed, most people still remaining in the group would wish for peace, and in wishing it they will also try to be more like the new group and fit in. They would want to forget they were ever defeated and be one of the winners.
It was easier for the Indians to become more like the whites because they already had some things in common. Like straight hair. But for a black person it would take much longer to achieve an acceptable level of whiteness. A black person is on the other end of skin colors and hair types, and so the story was different for the average black person. Most black people today continue to either
Feel defeated and humiliated. Afraid to walk into the unexplored they have remained in one of the few black communities that exist and take whatever the flourishing communities, usually composed of those who have the fairest skin, throws their way.
Try to fit into the “civilized” world created by the fair skinned in order to feel more like winners. This they do either by adjusting their personalities and/or using their fairer skin to their advantage.
Come into conformity with who they are and use it to their advantage. They become strong from the inside-out and they know their defeats are just another lesson in life to learn from.
Unfortunately, I think many Mexicans fall under description #2 and most blacks under #1.
Until we learn to look in the mirror and love what we see, we’ll always remain someone’s shadow.
My report: after I finished watching this movie I started reflecting on things I hadn’t thought about for a while. I like movies that inspire me to do something different. This is a good movie to see. The way the story is narrated, the comedy, the drama, the obstacles the main character goes through… everything is good.
My rating: Rating:
About it: After coming within one question of winning 20 million rupees on the Indian version of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” 18-year-old Mumbai “slumdog” Jamal Malik is arrested on suspicion of cheating. While in custody, Jamal regales a jaded police inspector with remarkable tales of his life on the streets, as well as the story of Latika, the woman he loved and lost. Danny Boyle’s film won a Golden Globe and Oscar for Best Picture.
Decisions are what life is all about. I’m happy with the ones I’ve made so far, and if I was to leave this world today I would go knowing that I lived a good life and made the right turns. Living in Mexico has opened my eyes a bit more. I understand myself a little better and I know which are the things that I have to work on. My goal here is to become a more social person. Sometimes my nature to be independent gets in the way of building long term relationships. I still keep in contact with friends in the U.S. and Panama, so I take it as if I’m doing something good in terms of the person I’d like to be in the future. Its hard to have a balance though. Everything takes time, whether I’m working on improving myself by becoming more intellectual or social. I also get tired of talking to people, especially when there nothing new to say (understandably so), but I’m good at faking interest. I’m much better at first encounters and introductions than I am at making relationships last.
This is something that I’ve been thinking about for the past couple of days and I felt like putting it down on paper since I haven’t written anything in a while. I’m out.
A Thousand years after Adam and Eve were expelled from the Garden of Eden, the world started to flourish and three villages had been formed by the children of the first man and woman. God saw how well humans seemed to be adapting to the tough conditions outside the Garden and in his curiosity, He summoned three representatives from each village and showed them the tree their grandparents had been forbidden from eating and told the men they could do with it as they wished.
This tree was no ordinary tree, each branch produced a different fruit. In total there were 100 different fruits. From oranges, to apples, pears, papayas, etc. The first man looked for his favorite fruit, climbed the tree and ate until he was satisfied. The second man also climbed the tree, but he picked a few of each fruit and saved them so he could trade them with the people in his village. The third man decided not to climb the tree. Instead he sat there and thought about the tree itself. He knew that now that the tree had been discovered it would not last very long, so he thought of ways to replant similar trees. Every village, he said, should enjoy such a wonderful gift from God.
When God saw how different the reaction from each man was He learned he could no longer give humans a second chance in the Garden of Eden as immortals. It was too late, He said, for mankind has evolved its way of thinking and adapted to its new environment in order to survive. God realized that the abilities to rationalize and dominate over all creatures he had given men were being used for as much good as bad, and that the world and everything in it would become a very interesting place to observe.
The man who instantly ate his fruits became known as a consumer. The man who saved his fruits to trade with his village became known as an opportunist; and the man who sat down and thought about helping all villages benefit from the tree became known as an idealist. Over the years, villages from three villages have married and had children with each other, and today all the people of the world are born with all three of these characteristics. The one we carry the most will determine most of our actions in life.
“Having different ways of thinking and facing problems,” God thought, “is the only way humans will be able to survive outside of my Garden.”
I need to tell this dream I had last night before I forget it. I don´t know what to make out of dreams, and here is why: I fell asleep on the sofa in my living room, and while I was still sleeping I felt someone or something next to me. I could just feel a presence next to me. So I extended my right arm to reach over what was there and I held on to something bony… it must have been an arm.
I thought to myself this was too real to be a dream. I wanted to wake up and fight whatever was in that room with me. I tried to move my entire body, but I couldn’t. I tried to scream, but I couldn’t open my mouth. My body was dead, and I got the feeling the arm that was moving and holding on to something should have been dead too. This should have never happened…
I let go of that bony thingand immediately I started regaining strengths. I could feel something entering my body, as if giving me life again. A few seconds later I was up. I looked around the room and nothing was there. My heart was beating fast and the experience lingered.
What happened? Was it just a dream or was there something really there? Maybe someday I´ll find out.
My Report: 500 years ago Africans were taken from their homeland and enslaved in America and Arabic countries. The estimation is at about 10 million slaves just in America, but this number doesn’t count on the direct hit slavery had on the children, grandparents and wives who were left behind. An entire continent was raped in every way imaginable, still being raped today and nobody has paid the price. A lot of those who were supposed to pay a price for their crimes have perished, so most likely nobody will ever pay the price.
So where do we stand now? Brought from Africa, enslaved in America, civil wars gave us freedom but no protection. Lynched, raped (physically and mentally), beaten and segregated, no matter what blacks fight… and then we got the right to vote, and to be sit and dine anywhere we want, drink from any fountain, and still we fight for more. Now we’ve got black businessmen, millionaires and millionaires, sportsmen and singers, pastors, doctors and nurses, a presidents in some of those same societies that kept us segregated and we fight for more.
More needs to be done though. We’ve got a lot of black people today suffering from mental slavery. We can’t get rid of the past or push away the present that sometimes surround us. We’ve got blacks doing drugs in high numbers, in jail or committing crimes and a lot of it has to do with the emotional abuse that started many generations ago.I think that the best way to end this mental slavery once and for all is by separating new and old generations, changing the environment in which they grow and teaching children about what happened and is happening in the world, but also let them know that they have options now and that the best they can do is take advantage of the opportunities and never let the same sad history repeat itself. This is why I’m interested in adopting children and opening schools. Watch the movie.
Rating:
About it: In an effort to encourage children and leaders to work towards a more stable future for generations to come, filmmaker Owen Alik Shahadah explores the history of atrocities which resulted when, 500 years ago, countless Africans were forced to migrate from their continent. Interviews with such notable figures as cultural activist Dr. Maulana Karenga, Hidden History author Andrew Muhammad, writer Dr. Francis Wesling, and Dr. Molefi K. Asante, the father of Afrocentricity, and interviews with everyday laypeople are inter-cut to offer telling insight into the conflicts brought about by racial inequalities. Accompanying these interviews are a broad spectrum of images from the beaches of Barbados to the streets of London and the cities of the United States, as well as a haunting score by composer Tunde Jegede. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide
I think one of the biggest problems in relationships is not the dishonesty that sometimes comes with it, but what happens after. If we know we’re not being respected and we continue to stay in that relationship, it goes from being the fault of one person to both. This is the point where as individuals we have to be strong enough to make the decision to not take it anymore. We need to respect ourselves if we are going to expect others to respect us. Unfortunately most people just don’t give undeserved respect.
I fight the devil inside my head
It’s telling me I’ll never be a success
Socially incapable though highly likable
Life seems to be a word with more than one syllable
Afraid of being laughed at
Worried I’ll never have jack
I crack smiles, but never laugh hard
My life is an act and I play my part
Fuck the devil in my brain
Lights, Camera - Action!
Need to set this shit in motion
Before the Grim Reaper calls my name
Too many thoughts, too many details
Too much yapping for a quick email
I come close to knocking
I will be knocking
And when the door opens I will walk in
My Report: I found this movie inspiring. It remind me of things I really love. Ironically the story of the main character was very much like mine, except I wasn’t about to get married. Most of the movie took place in Panama and it was realistic for the most part. Good movie.
Rating:
About it: Fresh out of high school — and freshly scorned by his high school sweetheart, whom he planned to marry — Conner Layne (Christopher Masterson) embarks on his yearlong honeymoon alone and learns plenty about himself in the process. While trekking through Central and South America, he befriends a young couple (Johnny Messner and Brooke Burns) who help him move forward, both physically and emotionally.
Why is it the we shy away from new life experiences, but love them when they do happen? What is it that makes us so afraid to live every day as if there was no tomorrow? Is it just because we do think there will be a tomorrow? It’s almost a guarantee since we are able to wake up every morning and do the things we usually do. Go to bed and do the same thousands of times over until one day the unexpectedly happens. Death makes its introduction in the form of a fatal accident, or as it is now for many of us: health deteriorates and life starts to drift away. See now its just too late to really be awake.
I’m going to look into extending my travels a little further before I start classes in Mexico. Maybe make it to Guatemala or even Belize.
How have you been? I hope you are living your life the way you want to live it and that it makes you happy. You should know that I never stopped caring for you. You always inspire my curiosity and my heart still beats faster when I think of you. I wished a million times that we could be together, but I am not going to feel sorry for myself any longer. I am not going to beg you to be my side. I respect your decision. I am not giving up on you, I am simply understanding that you were never mine.
The world is filled with beautiful women just like you, but finding one who’s just as beautiful in the inside and willing to share her time with me will not be easy. I am leaving my dear… but I will be back. If you find the man of your life while I’m gone then I only wish two things: 1) that he makes you happy; and 2) that I am one day able to overcome the pain the news will bring to my heart.
I’m not saying you do, but if you do, please don’t worry about me. Live your life the way you want to live it. I know of no guarantees in this world except that life has a beginning and an end. Only time separates one from the other, and this time is taken from us the same way it is given: in a heartbeat.
I had made the decision to share the time left before my end with you, but the sentiment was not mutual and now my heartbeat only dances to the blues until the day I meet someone like you.
I leave you alone. I will not address this letter to you because of my pride and the respect I have for you, but if you read this letter and it makes you feel something, be smart and reconsider your decision. When will I be ready to afford the kind of life I want to give? I don’t know, but it would be good to make my hearbeat dance to the rhythm of the tango.
Above all, always follow the wisper in your heart.
Just look at this car. It’s classy, good looking and comfortable all in one. If I could only afford one car (won’t happen) then this would be it. I know these are strong cars for a fact. I totalled a 1997 Land Rover and I came out of it without a single scratch. I can travel with anyone in this car and feel safe.
I just woke up to a nice little email from Tracy. She asked me to post her email so I will. This post, like the previous one, is not about dissing her. This whole website is about my life and what I learn from my experiences. If I ever write about something I knew wasn’t the truth then the lie would be on me. I would rather not write until I was ready to do so or just not do it. I don’t have to.
It is sad, but true: when you have friends to support your decisions whether they are good or bad and you don’t take the time to think things through, you end up missing on the learning that would have come out of the experience. Haven’t we’ve heard this type of great support before? “Fuck her, you just need to get laid,” “He’s a jerk, you can do better than that,” “Men are such assholes,” etc. What do friends know? Do they know and appreciate the boyfriend who helped take care of the girlfriend’s nephews the best way he knew how for several months? Or do his friends understand how much he appreciates his girlfriend for taking care of him and showing him around when he had just moved into a new country and the whole world seemed like new again? These are the types of personal connections that make boyfriend/girlfriend relationships hard to walk away from and that friends don’t understand or sometimes even know they exist when they try to help. It is definitely not a bad thing to have friends, but unless we start assuming responsibilities and taking complete control over our lives, friends are more of an obstacle to the process of becoming a better person.
Look at both sides of the coin. Somebody treated you wrong? Yeah, no doubt he or she might be a jerk, but what can you do to avoid that from happening again and with anyone else? Look into the things you can control to make yourself a better person. Yes, I have cheated and didn’t know how to communicate my emotions, but I’ve been practicing and learning about myself and I’m a better man now. I don’t get in relationships with girls if I don’t feel I can make a full commitment, and as far as communicating my emotions, well trying really hard and this blog have done wonders for me. I think I explained my perspective pretty well on I Believe in Two Sided Coins.
What else can I say? I wish Tracy the best, but unless she starts putting her emotions aside and depending so much on other people for moral support, nothing is ever going to change. Through my own experiences I’ve found that sometimes it’s good to take a break from life as I know it and look into myself to find the things I do wrong and fix them. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I make no assumptions and I don’t feel like I know it all either. If I knew it all then I wouldn’t do anything wrong in the first place. I am my worst critic and my best teacher at the same time. The truth, that’s all I want. That way I can start understanding and making things better for myself.
Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like Tracy ever read the comment I posted a few days later on What Goes Around Does Come Around or the post on Waiting and Cheating. All there is to this whole thing is that because of my relationship with her I’ve become a better person. At this point there is nothing else that matters or that I want from it. I took the time to step away from my own ego, looked at everything from her perspective and I learned from the things where I was the problem. As for the things where she was the problem, I just look for girls that don’t have the same ones.
I was surfing the web and ran across your website. Here are the true facts: #1 I’m not lonely!!! #2 I apologized because I was trying to be nice, but the truth is you were an absolute asshole to ME during our relationship!!! #3 What goes around comes around??? Then I guess you must have had or will have a girlfriend who cheats on you and is emotionally unavailable.
I certainly wasn’t trying to start things back up with you Antonio. The thought has never crossed my mind.
I’ve never felt more dead than when I was a subordinate to my parents or employers. I don’t think it’s right that I felt that way with my parents, but that’s what happened. As long as I live, I know I will be living the life I want to live or fighting to live that life.
I don’t think it’s right that people die without ever experiencing another culture or spending more than half their lives working just to meet their needs. But it’s also natural that people do these things because we’re afraid of the unknown. Having a job and knowing what to expect every day is a lot more easy than having a business and having to take big risks.
The risks entrepreneurs take are a hit or miss. You either make it or you don’t, and when there is a lot invested it could frighten anyone. Only does that truly believe in themselves will eventually succeed.
