I just woke up to a nice little email from Tracy. She asked me to post her email so I will. This post, like the previous one, is not about dissing her. This whole website is about my life and what I learn from my experiences. If I ever write about something I knew wasn’t the truth then the lie would be on me. I would rather not write until I was ready to do so or just not do it. I don’t have to.

It is sad, but true: when you have friends to support your decisions whether they are good or bad and you don’t take the time to think things through, you end up missing on the learning that would have come out of the experience. Haven’t we’ve heard this type of great support before? “Fuck her, you just need to get laid,” “He’s a jerk, you can do better than that,” “Men are such assholes,” etc. What do friends know? Do they know and appreciate the boyfriend who helped take care of the girlfriend’s nephews the best way he knew how for several months? Or do his friends understand how much he appreciates his girlfriend for taking care of him and showing him around when he had just moved into a new country and the whole world seemed like new again? These are the types of personal connections that make boyfriend/girlfriend relationships hard to walk away from and that friends don’t understand or sometimes even know they exist when they try to help. It is definitely not a bad thing to have friends, but unless we start assuming responsibilities and taking complete control over our lives, friends are more of an obstacle to the process of becoming a better person.

Look at both sides of the coin. Somebody treated you wrong? Yeah, no doubt he or she might be a jerk, but what can you do to avoid that from happening again and with anyone else? Look into the things you can control to make yourself a better person. Yes, I have cheated and didn’t know how to communicate my emotions, but I’ve been practicing and learning about myself and I’m a better man now. I don’t get in relationships with girls if I don’t feel I can make a full commitment, and as far as communicating my emotions, well trying really hard and this blog have done wonders for me. I think I explained my perspective pretty well on I Believe in Two Sided Coins.

What else can I say? I wish Tracy the best, but unless she starts putting her emotions aside and depending so much on other people for moral support, nothing is ever going to change. Through my own experiences I’ve found that sometimes it’s good to take a break from life as I know it and look into myself to find the things I do wrong and fix them. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I make no assumptions and I don’t feel like I know it all either. If I knew it all then I wouldn’t do anything wrong in the first place. I am my worst critic and my best teacher at the same time. The truth, that’s all I want. That way I can start understanding and making things better for myself.

Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like Tracy ever read the comment I posted a few days later on What Goes Around Does Come Around or the post on Waiting and Cheating. All there is to this whole thing is that because of my relationship with her I’ve become a better person. At this point there is nothing else that matters or that I want from it. I took the time to step away from my own ego, looked at everything from her perspective and I learned from the things where I was the problem. As for the things where she was the problem, I just look for girls that don’t have the same ones.

Here are her emails:

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On October 17th Tracy wrote:

Hey, I’ve been thinking about you lately…  How’s life?

I’m really sorry about the way I treated you.  I hope you’re really happy and feeling succussful.  Write to me sometime if you feel like it. 

Tracy

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On October 22nd I wrote about her email on What Goes Around Does Come Around.

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On November 29th Tracy wrote:

I was surfing the web and ran across your website.  Here are the true facts:  #1 I’m not lonely!!! #2 I apologized because I was trying to be nice, but the truth is you were an absolute asshole to ME during our relationship!!!  #3  What goes around comes around??? Then I guess you must have had or will have a girlfriend who cheats on you and is emotionally unavailable.

I certainly wasn’t trying to start things back up with you Antonio.  The thought has never crossed my mind.

POST THAT!!!

Marketing is the activity, set of institutions, and processes for creating, communicating, delivering, and exchanging offerings that have value for customers, clients, partners, and society at large.

Exchange: people giving up something to receive something they would rather have.

Conditions of exchange:

1. There must be at least two parties.
2. Each party has something that might be of value to the other party.
3. Each party is capable of communication and delivery.
4. Each party is free to accept or reject the exchange offer.
5. Each party believes it is appropriate or desirable to deal with other party.

Management Philosophies:

1. Production Orientation: a philosophy that focuses on the internal capabilities of the firm rather than on the desires and needs of the marketplace.
2. Sales Orientation: the idea that people will buy more goods and services if aggressive sales techniques are used and that high sales result in high profits.
3. Market Orientation: a philosophy that assumes that a sale does not depend on an aggressive sales force but rather on a customer’s decision to purchase product. It is synonymous with the marketing concept.
4. Societal Marketing Orientation: the idea that an organization exists not only to satisfy customer wants and needs and to meet organization objectives but also to preserve and enhance individuals’ and society’s long-term best interests.

Marketing Concept: the idea that the social and economic justification for an organization’s existence is the satisfaction of customer wants and needs while meeting organizational objectives.

The past, present and future of human existence are just as dark as they were thousands of years ago before we learned about science, evolution and came to think of ourselves as the supreme beings on Earth. We all are born, we live and we die. That’s about as sure as we know things are. Science says we came from monkeys and before that from a big bang… it’s a theory…. Some religions say we came from a guy named Adam and his female partner Eve, who were both part of God’s seven day creation of this world… that’s another theory…

Truth is, we don’t know. Now that we consider ourselves supreme beings on the face of the Earth we want to think we’ve got it all figure it. Hell, we are even sure of the spiritual things like we’ve got souls and, in effect, we do go somewhere after death because… well we will live forever damn it! We are the human species and there is nothing better and more capable than us in this world. Now, I know of ego-centrism and ethnocentrism, but what do we call the centric views of a whole species?

I know I’ve come out sounding like a know-it-all sometimes, but life experiences have humbled me and made me recognize that even if I was to become the smartest person in the world it wouldn’t do any good without the help of others. And so I’ve also came to recognize that when I don’t know something it is better to say “I don’t know” than to pretend I do. Prove me wrong and I look like a fool. Say “I don’t know” and I’ll learn something new. Isn’t that better? I mean, do we really have to go around pretending like we know what comes after death as if we went there and came back? Can anyone in this world guarantee that when the physical dies I will still remain in the form of a spirit? A soul? Can anyone guarantee that when I die I just won’t stop existing?

Stop the bullshit! People feeding each other crap they believe by pure faith, but never actually experienced. Thanks for sharing your message, I’ve heard it, now let me make my own decisions. Talk to me about what’s happening here, now! Show me that you can leave in peace with what we have here, now!! Look at us… we’ve got so many subdivisions we can’t even describe ourselves in one word. Before Christians, Muslims, Americans and Japanese, Asians and Africans, Blacks and Indians, Aryans, Latin Americans, Chinese, Haitians, Buddhists and every other group we’ve made we are Humans. Bound together by micro organisms organized in a way that allow us to create more of us. These same micro organisms are part of every living thing and we use it to survive. Show that you care before we self destruct…

Anybody wanting to be somebody will find the need to take a stance. I’m talking about firmly believing in something. Whether that believe is good or wrong is up to subjective interpretation that translates into the potential outcome of that particular stance. Sometimes we pay with our lives and other times we get the glory it deserves. You will never lead, nor will anybody ever follow your lead if you don’t first believe in yourself. People just don’t like to lean on rotten trees.

Now, as a leader, if we want to make good decisions there are three steps we need to follow:

1. Know the problem: I know it sounds stupid, but many times we make wrong decisions because we don’t understand the problem.
2. Know the ins and outs: we don’t always have the luxury of having the time to figure out the causes to all effects, that’s why practice makes perfection and experience is wisdom.
3. Make up your mind: and more importantly, stick to it. Don’t ever change your mind while you’re making your stance. You shouldn’t if you did a good job on step 2. Also, never doubt yourself while you’re fighting your case. Again, you shouldn’t if you did a good job on step 2. If you forgot to take something into consideration while you were on step 2, then wait until you’re by yourself and then start doubting, change your mind if you have to then make sure you state why; and be prepared to lose credibility as a leader. It’s that whole thing about the rotten tree again. Nobody said leading was easy.

One of the reasons why we live unhappily is because we are not willing to make the right decisions. All three steps necessary to make good decisions don’t take into consideration something that to all of us is very important: emotions. The more we can separate ourselves from our emotions the better our decisions can be. Too many of us have been unable to get out of bad relationships simply because we let our hearts take over. Emotions are such a strong part of our lives that just about everybody is using them to influence the decisions of others.

Stand tall and strong like a tree when you believe in something and don’t let anybody change your mind when you believe it’s good.

Hypocrites, have you seen one lately? If you think not it is because you are being fooled, but at one point or another in your life you came to see one so you know exactly what a hypocrite does. These backstabbers, good-for-nothing double-crossers spend their time pretending to be something they are not. They smile at you when they see you and when you are not around you are the victim of their endless mockeries, insults and negative criticisms. The worst part is not their hypocrisy, but what happens when you realize their “wrong” doing. Looking for approval from your so-called friends you start criticizing your new discovered adversary: “I can’t believe she would do that to me, I would have never done that to her.” But you are doing it, right there and then. You are talking about another person behind their back. You just feel it’s different because “she started it.” The truth is, there are two sides to everything. Which side is good or bad is subject to interpretation. Perhaps, the best approach to the problem is to look at things from all perspectives before reaching conclusions.

How often are children told not to play with fire? The child usually learns not to play with fire after that first contact with an object heated at over one hundred degrees of a new experience. The day my child comes to me screaming and crying because he/she just got burned, I will take care of the wounds and ask: “Do you understand now what I was trying to tell you?”

Isn’t it much better to know why, than to follow the beaten track? To know exactly why things happen the way they do is bliss. What’s even better is that by understanding that there are two sides to everything, we can take a negative and turn it into a positive. With this type of thinking, we are not just destined to have a glass that is always half full, we are also now wired for success. Can you imagine if we focused all that energy we spend getting angry with those who critic us and put it into something else? Find out if what your critics are saying is true and then use that information to get even better! People with negative attitudes are always ready to tell everyone else what is wrong. They make for much better friends than the ones who smile but never tell the truth.

There is no reason to experiment on the two sides of everything though, you got to be smart. If you decide to rob a bank and you get shot and die, you won’t have a opportunity to try something else, unless you believe in reincarnation that is. Know that there are two sides to everything and learn to make the right decisions. It is just as dumb to believe there is only one way to everything as it is to believe in single-sided coins.

Something I’ve been learning lately is to always stick to what I believe. To not let anyone ever make me doubt myself in public. It’s OK to do the thinking when I’m alone, but if I start doubting everything I do and say every time somebody confronts me I’ll end up looking dumb and without confidence. But before I get into a “stick to what I believe” situation I need to be ready for it.

The past few days I’ve been thinking about my personality changes in the last three years, because I’m seeing how I’m starting to be the way I was before I started dating Katie. There were good and bad things about my personality then, just like when we were together. I was a much confident person before her. I trusted my instincts and my decisions, once made, they were unquestioned, simply acted upon. I was also arrogant. I thought everyone else was beneath me and I would make that clear by the way I talked to people. When I got with Katie I started changing my attitude towards other people. From the beginning, she would always tell me how I didn’t need encouragement from her for me to believe I was God in the flesh.

I became less abrasive towards people, but I also lost my confidence. I think it was a combination of not knowing how to treat people the right way and also not knowing how to treat my girlfriend. By the latter I mean knowing when to listen and when not to. In trying to be a better boyfriend I listened to all the… all the…. well… I’m going to call it bullshit. Why was I thinking everything she said was correct? I don’t know, but I took it all in and end up just as confused as she was. This is how I ended up being:

Stranger: Hi, how are you?

Me: I’m doing great thanks.

Thoughts just a minute later: I didn’t ask him how he was. I was rude. I probably offended him…. blah blah blah.

STOP THAT!

I started doubting my every move. It wasn’t me and I didn’t know how to fix it. I needed to understand why I felt better about myself before Katie and how I could get back to that same place minus the arrogance. I have figured out that it’s all about confidence. It’s a lot easier for me to make a decision and stick with it. I just have to make sure I’m making the right decisions. If I can’t stick to my decisions then it means I wasn’t ready to make the decision in the first place, so I need to be 100% confident in what I decide and, when necessary, know how to make those decisions fast.

One thing I know girls always liked about me, even though I was arrogant, was my confidence. When I changed that about myself, I took away one of the main pillars of my personality; and although I remained highly attractive, a big part of me was missing.

My girlfriend/wife opinions should act the way councilors do to a president. Not everything she has to say is good or may influence my final decision, but two heads are better than one.

When I was 22 years old, about a year after I immigrated to the U.S., I was living with Tracy in a two bedroom apartment in La Quinta and everything was going pretty well.

One night, we got a call around 1:00 a.m., Tracy answered the phone and she quickly went from being annoyed to a complete panic. “Please don’t take them, we’ll be right there” is all I heard. As soon as she hung up the phone she asked me to get dressed and drive her to her sister’s house because she was in no condition to drive. At the moment I didn’t know what it was, but I knew it was important to her so I got up, got dressed and drove her to her sister’s house. She explained to me while we were in the car.

Apparently, as the police explained it to Tracy, her sister, Jessica, had tried to commit suicide and was being rushed into the hospital. They called Tracy because Jessica has two sons and they needed to leave them in custody of a family member or they would go to a foster house.

I remember later that morning, maybe around 3:00 a.m., a government employee came over to our apartment to check on the boys and interview me and Tracy. In the afternoon I had to go to some government agency, have my fingerprints scanned and sign papers saying I was legally responsible for the well-being of the boys.

I never really stopped to think about how quickly my life had changed. About a year and a half ago I was in Panama living under my parents roof and had no responsibilities. Move forward to a year and a half later and now I had a job and bills to pay, I was living in my own place, with a woman, an 8 year old and a 10 year old. It wasn’t so much about me anymore. The decisions that I made could potentially affect three other people. And that’s important to remember when others depend on you.

It was decided by the court that Jessica was not stable enough at that time to take care of her sons, so the boys went on to live with me and Tracy for the next six months. Those six months brought me closer to the reality that many of us here in this world live on a daily basis. How hard it is to be a parent and to find the balance in everything that needs to be done.

Yesterday I talked to my grandma for the first time in almost 20 years. I didn’t know what exactly to say when I called because I didn’t think she would know who I was, but she did! I was very happy to hear her voice and hear that she’s getting better. She had a complication with a tumor and it was thought she was not going to be able to live much longer.

At the end of our conversation she said “I love you” and that sealed the deal for me. Just hearing those words from her made me feel part of something bigger. I have many cousins, uncles and aunts from my mother’s side of the family but she doesn’t like us talking to “the Clarkes”, as she calls them. Personally, I know I’m only 26 but I’ve grown up to forget people and live my life. I don’t know exactly what happened in the past, but it has been affecting my mom’s everyday present for a very long time. There’s an anger and resentment that has been building up for way too long and it’s very hard to stop now.

I’m going to talk to my uncle and make time to go see some of my family in Florida. I have to go see them. I want to know how they look now and what they are doing. Aunt Linda is spending some time with my grandma in Florida right now. She is the only other member of my mom’s part of the family that lives in Panama. We chatted for a little while and she sounded great. She seems very sparky and invited me to get to know the family better. Her daughter and sons, my cousins, are all doing well also.

Me and my brothers have always been kept so distant from the rest of the family, I think it’s ridiculous. That’s no way to live and I’m not doing it anymore. I’m old enough to make my own decisions and the Clarkes happen to be a half of me.

B: What’s happening homie.

Homie: Damn B, I’m getting depressed, B! This is real…

B: Oh, for real? What’s up?

Homie: Damn B, I know this girl right. And she’s pretty good looking but she ain’t got a fat ass right… Well the other day I saw her and all of a sudden she’s got ass!

B: Oh, so you fucked her and now you want her back?

Homie: No B I never fucked her. The thing is, she still ain’t got no ass. But them jeans makes it look like she does! You feel me.

B: I hear you bro.

Homie: For reals, it’s a conspiracy. I mean… we got all this famous designers, they just perfected the art of making every ass look great. Now that’s cheating. I mean… I would like nothing more than to have every woman have a perfect ass you know. But you know that ain’t true. It can’t be true ‘cause then we wouldn’t discriminate. We wouldn’t even be having this conversation right now cause the ass is always class A, you feel me?

B: I feel you.

Homie: Now these people are making it hard for us to make our decisions. You be thinking you have some grade A quality ass and when you unwrap, the product ain’t right. You can’t be dealing with that… that’s frustrating. As if it’s not enough having to worry about them titis already. Damn wonder bra and shit. Now every woman’s got a chance to appear to be what she’s not. Different flavors B! We need to keep it real! Like Baskin Robins, they got 32 flavors right? Why can’t we have the same.

B: Yeah no shit…

Homie: Whatever man, you not even paying attention…

B: I am, stop tripping…

Homie: You stop tripping motha fucka!!

B: Now you need to chill…

Homie: Man shut the fuck up…

B: Talking bout the ass not being right… you stupid

Homie: Your mama…

B: Well you know I fucked yours right?

Homie: Why you got to go there? I don’t want to know anything about that bitch.

B: By the way, her ass was off the hook. In and out of them jeans…. Heheheh Ya feel me now.

Homie: Fuck you bitch…

B: Funny that’s what I told your mama when she asked me for money…

Homie: Don’t ever talk to me again… or I’ll bust a cap on your ass.

B: Oh she said that too!! Must run in the family.

Homie: I’m out…

B: Hehehe… this guy tripping.

Life as I see it is full of decisions. Every decision leads to an action, and an action will have a consequence. So if I want to be happy I better start doing what I want to do, keeping in mind that it’s going to affect my future.

So I travel because it’s what makes me happy, but traveling is expensive depending on where I go and what I want to do. I also want to have money so I can start my own little business as soon as possible, so then what am I supposed to do? I guess I balance what I’m doing. There has got to be a balance in life too.

I’m not exactly balancing my money right now and I think this last trip has become a little too expensive, but it’s worth it because I’m enjoying it.

Life is what I make it.