I just saw a picture of an ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend and it made my heart beat faster. There is only one person that does this to me. Why? I was never ready to let her go I suppose. But she’s no longer mine and I need to find the way to let it go.

I don’t have a clear idea of why this is happening either. I haven’t thought about her in a long time. I thought I was over her actually. I know it sounds ridiculous to now know what I’m feeling, but sometimes I do things and I’m not sure why.

I said that I was disconnected, and I am… But I’ve also started to feel like I’m connecting with people. Now when I look at people I see things in common rather than just something I’m trying to figure out. I understand why people sometimes stay away from me or feel embarrassed. I understand why my ex girlfriend did it. I also feel like now that I’m starting to see things differently, I should also change the way my website looks and probably even take out some of the articles I’ve written in the past, just because I don’t think they reflect the way I am anymore, but I know I can’t do that ’cause the point of this website is to show myself as I become. So maybe there’s another person that will look at everything I’ve written from beginning to end and understand where I’m coming from.

Talking about my past and my childhood problems doesn’t carry the same weight for me anymore. I don’t relive things the way I used to, nor do I care to relive them. I take this as a sign that I’m almost healed. Life is good now.

A few days ago I received an email from an ex-girlfriend, Tracy. She wants to see how I’m doing and is “really sorry” about the way she treated me. I didn’t reply back and I’m not planning on it. I’m mentioning it because about five years ago when we broke up, I knew this moment would come.

She must be feeling pretty lonely now. She’s now 33 years old and most likely still not married. Probably still carrying the same problems she used to when we were together and now she must want a child more than ever. I wouldn’t be surprised if the reason why she thought of me is because someone close to her just had a baby. Maybe her good friend Danielle or one of her coworkers. It’s a far out theory, but because I know her and lived with her for a year I don’t think I’m too far from the truth.

What could I possibly want from her now? If it wasn’t for the way things ended I wouldn’t be in such a good place right now.

What goes around really does come around…

Is it worth it to tell my girlfriend everything about my past? I’ve done that before and it led to two and a half years of insecurities. My ex-girlfriend was never ever able to trust me “because of the way I used to be,” even though I never cheated on her, in her mind there was the strong possibility that I would because I did it to someone else. The relationship eventually ended and I know part of it were her insecurities.

Now I’m in another relationship and I’ve decided to tell as well… Telling the truth keeps my mind at ease and maybe it will make her trust me even more. I don’t have to worry about hiding anything and I don’t want to hide anything. Besides, I believe my girlfriend should accept me for who I am. Yes, I’ve made mistakes but I’ve also learned from them. Isn’t that what’s important?

She’s taking her time to get to know me and trust me. Hopefully things will be different this time. I don’t feel there is much I can do, but hope things go the right way and continue to follow up on what I say I am now with my actions.

It must be worth it to tell my girlfriend my past… if not for her then at least for my own peace of my mind.

When I first came to the U.S. from Panama, I remember I had $30 in my pocket. I crossed the border with my dad and my little brother and we stayed for a couple of days in Miami before my dad and brother went back to Panama because my brother was still studying down there. I hopped into three more planes and went down to live in California with Tracy, now an ex-girlfriend. If it wasn’t for my dad giving me a check for $700, I don’t know how I would have made it that first month. But nevertheless I was still broke.

My first memory when I arrived in California was of me going to this fast food joint called “In-N-Out”. Tracy had picked me up from the airport in Los Angeles and it was a two hour drive till we got home. I was thinking that the food was only going to bring me down maybe $6. At least that’s what I would have paid in Panama. But I remember how worried I got when I heard it was over $10. I couldn’t believe it. Now I just think it’s funny, but back then coming straight out of Panama that was like a slap on the face. I mean, we are talking a third of my money, gone in one meal! And I still had 29 days to go with that cash.

I gave Tracy the check my dad gave me and she deposit it to her bank account. I’m no sucker though, I just trusted her like that.  It paid for my half of things that first month and after all, she had been waiting for me to get my green card for more than a year and a half. It was hard to communicate with people because their English was too fast for me to understand and there were so many words I didn’t know. Not to mention my accent was hard for others to understand to. I usually had to repeat things two or three times. Tracy was good for me though. I was like a little kid absorbing everything around me. From how to use a debit or credit card to pay at a grocery store to how to get a job.