I just woke up to a nice little email from Tracy. She asked me to post her email so I will. This post, like the previous one, is not about dissing her. This whole website is about my life and what I learn from my experiences. If I ever write about something I knew wasn’t the truth then the lie would be on me. I would rather not write until I was ready to do so or just not do it. I don’t have to.

It is sad, but true: when you have friends to support your decisions whether they are good or bad and you don’t take the time to think things through, you end up missing on the learning that would have come out of the experience. Haven’t we’ve heard this type of great support before? “Fuck her, you just need to get laid,” “He’s a jerk, you can do better than that,” “Men are such assholes,” etc. What do friends know? Do they know and appreciate the boyfriend who helped take care of the girlfriend’s nephews the best way he knew how for several months? Or do his friends understand how much he appreciates his girlfriend for taking care of him and showing him around when he had just moved into a new country and the whole world seemed like new again? These are the types of personal connections that make boyfriend/girlfriend relationships hard to walk away from and that friends don’t understand or sometimes even know they exist when they try to help. It is definitely not a bad thing to have friends, but unless we start assuming responsibilities and taking complete control over our lives, friends are more of an obstacle to the process of becoming a better person.

Look at both sides of the coin. Somebody treated you wrong? Yeah, no doubt he or she might be a jerk, but what can you do to avoid that from happening again and with anyone else? Look into the things you can control to make yourself a better person. Yes, I have cheated and didn’t know how to communicate my emotions, but I’ve been practicing and learning about myself and I’m a better man now. I don’t get in relationships with girls if I don’t feel I can make a full commitment, and as far as communicating my emotions, well trying really hard and this blog have done wonders for me. I think I explained my perspective pretty well on I Believe in Two Sided Coins.

What else can I say? I wish Tracy the best, but unless she starts putting her emotions aside and depending so much on other people for moral support, nothing is ever going to change. Through my own experiences I’ve found that sometimes it’s good to take a break from life as I know it and look into myself to find the things I do wrong and fix them. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I make no assumptions and I don’t feel like I know it all either. If I knew it all then I wouldn’t do anything wrong in the first place. I am my worst critic and my best teacher at the same time. The truth, that’s all I want. That way I can start understanding and making things better for myself.

Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like Tracy ever read the comment I posted a few days later on What Goes Around Does Come Around or the post on Waiting and Cheating. All there is to this whole thing is that because of my relationship with her I’ve become a better person. At this point there is nothing else that matters or that I want from it. I took the time to step away from my own ego, looked at everything from her perspective and I learned from the things where I was the problem. As for the things where she was the problem, I just look for girls that don’t have the same ones.

Here are her emails:

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On October 17th Tracy wrote:

Hey, I’ve been thinking about you lately…  How’s life?

I’m really sorry about the way I treated you.  I hope you’re really happy and feeling succussful.  Write to me sometime if you feel like it. 

Tracy

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On October 22nd I wrote about her email on What Goes Around Does Come Around.

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On November 29th Tracy wrote:

I was surfing the web and ran across your website.  Here are the true facts:  #1 I’m not lonely!!! #2 I apologized because I was trying to be nice, but the truth is you were an absolute asshole to ME during our relationship!!!  #3  What goes around comes around??? Then I guess you must have had or will have a girlfriend who cheats on you and is emotionally unavailable.

I certainly wasn’t trying to start things back up with you Antonio.  The thought has never crossed my mind.

POST THAT!!!

Just an hour ago I had the chance to meet with a Billionaire for the first time. I wasn’t really expecting him to be any different than anyone else in the room, but it was good to here his experiences. I can say this though: I’m at a point where I just want to do things. I’m not that interested in listening anymore. Like I said, it’s good, but after a while you start hearing the same story over and over. It’s time to make my own story happen.

The name of the guy is Ted Waitt. He is the co-founder of a computer company called Gateway, which he started when he was 22 years old after dropping out of college. Now he lives in La Jolla, CA and spends a lot of time on phylantropic activities.

What I like: I noticed her a few days ago on a movie called “Caribe.” She’s got this nice full lips, dark hair, perky tits and beautiful skin. She had a couple of nude scenes in the movie and I’m glad it did ’cause otherwise I would have thought she looked differently naked. I don’t know how old shes is, but it seems she has an ageless smile. It is unfortunate, in a way, that our experiences sometimes shape my thoughts in negative ways so I’m just going to her type of personality is not the one I would imagine her to have.

What I don’t like: I wish her eyes were a different color. I can’t say much ’cause there aren’t enough photos of her out there.

Sometimes I feel like I can’t do it all
Most times I feel like it’s all on me
Whether I fail or not, it’s on me
People tell me to leave it up to some divinity
But I’m afraid that if I start doing that I’ll end up with
Less than what I ask for, yet grateful for what is given
As if this is what was really my dream
And what if it is forsaken?

I don’t trust, I won’t trust, I can’t trust
Friends come and go,
Family stays but sometimes won’t show up,
Girlfriends take me on an emotional roller coaster
And the only constant is me

I’m filling my head with experiences I won’t forget,
Hoping that in return they’ll help me get to places
That when I look back I won’t regret

I don’t stop, I won’t stop, I can’t stop!
Friends will keep on smiling,
The family will keep on embracing
Girlfriends will keep on loving, then asking, then nagging
And the only variable is me

As I am capable of determining my own future
Son, that was the past now look at this future
And I know I can do it all…
I take a little bit of this and that and make gumbo with it all…

The past, present and future of human existence are just as dark as they were thousands of years ago before we learned about science, evolution and came to think of ourselves as the supreme beings on Earth. We all are born, we live and we die. That’s about as sure as we know things are. Science says we came from monkeys and before that from a big bang… it’s a theory…. Some religions say we came from a guy named Adam and his female partner Eve, who were both part of God’s seven day creation of this world… that’s another theory…

Truth is, we don’t know. Now that we consider ourselves supreme beings on the face of the Earth we want to think we’ve got it all figure it. Hell, we are even sure of the spiritual things like we’ve got souls and, in effect, we do go somewhere after death because… well we will live forever damn it! We are the human species and there is nothing better and more capable than us in this world. Now, I know of ego-centrism and ethnocentrism, but what do we call the centric views of a whole species?

I know I’ve come out sounding like a know-it-all sometimes, but life experiences have humbled me and made me recognize that even if I was to become the smartest person in the world it wouldn’t do any good without the help of others. And so I’ve also came to recognize that when I don’t know something it is better to say “I don’t know” than to pretend I do. Prove me wrong and I look like a fool. Say “I don’t know” and I’ll learn something new. Isn’t that better? I mean, do we really have to go around pretending like we know what comes after death as if we went there and came back? Can anyone in this world guarantee that when the physical dies I will still remain in the form of a spirit? A soul? Can anyone guarantee that when I die I just won’t stop existing?

Stop the bullshit! People feeding each other crap they believe by pure faith, but never actually experienced. Thanks for sharing your message, I’ve heard it, now let me make my own decisions. Talk to me about what’s happening here, now! Show me that you can leave in peace with what we have here, now!! Look at us… we’ve got so many subdivisions we can’t even describe ourselves in one word. Before Christians, Muslims, Americans and Japanese, Asians and Africans, Blacks and Indians, Aryans, Latin Americans, Chinese, Haitians, Buddhists and every other group we’ve made we are Humans. Bound together by micro organisms organized in a way that allow us to create more of us. These same micro organisms are part of every living thing and we use it to survive. Show that you care before we self destruct…

Anybody wanting to be somebody will find the need to take a stance. I’m talking about firmly believing in something. Whether that believe is good or wrong is up to subjective interpretation that translates into the potential outcome of that particular stance. Sometimes we pay with our lives and other times we get the glory it deserves. You will never lead, nor will anybody ever follow your lead if you don’t first believe in yourself. People just don’t like to lean on rotten trees.

Now, as a leader, if we want to make good decisions there are three steps we need to follow:

1. Know the problem: I know it sounds stupid, but many times we make wrong decisions because we don’t understand the problem.
2. Know the ins and outs: we don’t always have the luxury of having the time to figure out the causes to all effects, that’s why practice makes perfection and experience is wisdom.
3. Make up your mind: and more importantly, stick to it. Don’t ever change your mind while you’re making your stance. You shouldn’t if you did a good job on step 2. Also, never doubt yourself while you’re fighting your case. Again, you shouldn’t if you did a good job on step 2. If you forgot to take something into consideration while you were on step 2, then wait until you’re by yourself and then start doubting, change your mind if you have to then make sure you state why; and be prepared to lose credibility as a leader. It’s that whole thing about the rotten tree again. Nobody said leading was easy.

One of the reasons why we live unhappily is because we are not willing to make the right decisions. All three steps necessary to make good decisions don’t take into consideration something that to all of us is very important: emotions. The more we can separate ourselves from our emotions the better our decisions can be. Too many of us have been unable to get out of bad relationships simply because we let our hearts take over. Emotions are such a strong part of our lives that just about everybody is using them to influence the decisions of others.

Stand tall and strong like a tree when you believe in something and don’t let anybody change your mind when you believe it’s good.

One of my cousins gave birth to her first child this morning at 1:30 a.m. I’m an uncle, even though it’s hard to feel that way. I think it’s only because I’m not close to my cousins or anyone else outside of my immediate family, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about them. It’s still a little crazy that it feels like it was just yesterday when we were playing Nintendo and watching E.T.. When the biggest worry was getting to level eight on Mario Bros. and having a birthday party at Chucky Cheese.

Even though it has been so many years since I last saw my cousins, I can still remember the thoughts going through my mind at the time we were closer. Before I even turned eight years old I remember, for example, that I wanted my mom and dad to become American citizens. This was because my country, while it was occupied by the American military, had territories that were limited to Americans, primarily military personnel. With my uncles being part of the American military, it always bugged me how they could easily cross into Panamanian territory without needing id’s, but for my family to go to their side of the fence it was always much harder and pretty much impossible without the vouch of my uncles. Even at an early age I realized how unfair things could be. Why did I need permission to explore my natal country when others born outside didn’t?

My determination to get American citizenship grew even more when I started traveling overseas. Everywhere I went it seemed like the dark-blue American passport would always open doors much quicker than my light-blue Panamanian passport. At times I was embarrassed of my nationality because it didn’t seem to do anything for me. My American friends were always more at ease crossing borders than I was. They knew that everywhere they went they were well represented. I knew that if something happened, I was on my own. But this the world we live in, isn’t it? It’s not always fair. After 20 years of wanting that American citizenship I finally got it. I used to look at the United States of America from the outside, now I write from within. And in my heart there will always be a special place for that country who gave me my first breath of air, who thought me so much with so little. It’s hard to describe the way I feel about my beautiful Panama, but my eyes water when I think of her like this. I wish she could have given me everything I ever wanted…

I came to America with a different reality. A reality that broadens scales a bit further than the average born American citizen. This reality is the one that tells me that poverty goes well beyond not having a good education, and that dictators, not citizens, really do control the destiny of nations at times. This dark-blue passport I own represents a lot more than a greater freedom to cross imaginary borders. It represents more opportunities and the accomplishment of a life dream.

I would be a fool to not take advantage of the opportunities that have been given to me. It is true that every day presents itself full of opportunities, but if we can’t see them then how can we take advantage of them? We just don’t see things the same way if we’re accustomed to them. We don’t think of every breath unless we’re gasping for air the same way we don’t think of every heartbeat unless we’re having heart problems. This is our world, and as unfair as it can be, it is also a beautiful experience, and I know my nephew already holds the better hand. Welcome to this world nephew.

Saturday was the day that me and Tracy had planned to go to El Valle. I was more exited about the idea of being away from home than going on a trip with her. I really didn’t think of her in a sexual way. I guess it was my innocence.

Somehow we ended up meeting a Native American girl from Saskatchewan, Canada, Louise was her name I believe. Ha… I just remembered having the hardest time trying to say her name right. My English then was not as good as it is now. but anyways, on the way to El Valle we exchanged a lot of interesting stories and got to know each other a lot better. This is, by the way, one of the coolest things about traveling: getting to meet people from other cultures and learning from them. I love that. There we were, a white girl from California, a Native American girl from Canada and a black guy from Panama, all speaking in our own accents and getting along just fine. I would really like for everyone in this world to get the opportunity to experience other cultures and countries.

I had been to El Valle many times before, so I took them to the zoo and we had a nice walk around town also. I remember being worried the whole time because I hadn’t told my parents where I was going. I knew that if I would have asked, they would have given me the usual answer: no. So I had stopped asking for permission on many things for a while now. I would just go places behind their back and hope that I could make it on time for my parents not to find out what I had done.

Tracy, Louise and I were having a good time and before we knew it, I had to catch the last bus home. The two girls were thinking about spending the night and they enjoyed my company and wanted me to stay, which I did. They had already paid for a room at a cabaña, which is like a hostel but you get your own private room with a shower and bathroom. The owner of the cabaña had charged the two girls about $20 for the night. She had said that if I was staying there would be an additional $5 charge. I was trying to stay in without having to pay, but when the last bus back to the city had already left and she saw me there, she didn’t miss the beat and charged me. I mention this because at the time it seemed like a lot of money to me. I had taken that trip with about $11. It always amazed me how people would come to Panama and spend money quite freely, especially if they were from the U.S.. Now I know why.

That night the girls had the big idea of going salsa dancing. I wasn’t into that idea because I was the only guy. If one or both of them got drunk or whatever, it’s all on me. But I wanted them to have a good time, so we went down to this local bar and hung out for a good while. I just kept looking everywhere and watching their drinks. The whole bar was full of guys and a few were brave enough to come talk to us. They would try talking to me in English first to try to figure out which one I was dating. As soon as I replied to them in Spanish they would feel more comfortable and had a few more friends join the conversation. The girls didn’t really get what they wanted ’cause it wasn’t really the kind of bar you go to salsa dance. I was actually glad. We bounced from there, the girls bought a cheap bottle of wine and we headed back to the room…

Hypocrites, have you seen one lately? If you think not it is because you are being fooled, but at one point or another in your life you came to see one so you know exactly what a hypocrite does. These backstabbers, good-for-nothing double-crossers spend their time pretending to be something they are not. They smile at you when they see you and when you are not around you are the victim of their endless mockeries, insults and negative criticisms. The worst part is not their hypocrisy, but what happens when you realize their “wrong” doing. Looking for approval from your so-called friends you start criticizing your new discovered adversary: “I can’t believe she would do that to me, I would have never done that to her.” But you are doing it, right there and then. You are talking about another person behind their back. You just feel it’s different because “she started it.” The truth is, there are two sides to everything. Which side is good or bad is subject to interpretation. Perhaps, the best approach to the problem is to look at things from all perspectives before reaching conclusions.

How often are children told not to play with fire? The child usually learns not to play with fire after that first contact with an object heated at over one hundred degrees of a new experience. The day my child comes to me screaming and crying because he/she just got burned, I will take care of the wounds and ask: “Do you understand now what I was trying to tell you?”

Isn’t it much better to know why, than to follow the beaten track? To know exactly why things happen the way they do is bliss. What’s even better is that by understanding that there are two sides to everything, we can take a negative and turn it into a positive. With this type of thinking, we are not just destined to have a glass that is always half full, we are also now wired for success. Can you imagine if we focused all that energy we spend getting angry with those who critic us and put it into something else? Find out if what your critics are saying is true and then use that information to get even better! People with negative attitudes are always ready to tell everyone else what is wrong. They make for much better friends than the ones who smile but never tell the truth.

There is no reason to experiment on the two sides of everything though, you got to be smart. If you decide to rob a bank and you get shot and die, you won’t have a opportunity to try something else, unless you believe in reincarnation that is. Know that there are two sides to everything and learn to make the right decisions. It is just as dumb to believe there is only one way to everything as it is to believe in single-sided coins.

It’s been a while since I have written anything about my music. Basically, through a lot of practice and forward thinking I’ve figured out how to compose beats much faster. Being able to get my thoughts into notes faster is good, but it’s not the most important thing. The most important thing is the quality, and I do think I’m preserving that level of quality I expect.

Writing is still a problem, but not as big. I have decided that I shouldn’t be thinking things too much. Instead just let my thoughts be, the same way as I’m writing right now and I’m not over thinking anything, I’m just writing.

My biggest problem though is performing. I can’t speak very fast in English and I attribute that to my few years of experience speaking the language. Keeping the pace is very important when rapping, I would say that a good definition of rapping is talking in rhymes over a steady pace. I have to train myself to speak faster so that I can rap better. It won’t happen over regular conversations because I’m already doing the necessary tempo required to speak normally. The only solution is to keep practicing over the beats. Just keep working on it until it sounds natural and is to my standards.

I keep thinking things are coming together though, and I can’t force the speed, all I can do is make good use of my time. That’s why I stop when I don’t feel like practicing. There’s no point in doing something when my mind is not in it, that’s called a waste of time. Besides, anything I decide to do, I know is going to be a learning experience and that’s important ’cause I can use that in my music later on.

I don’t have much to say about chapter 4. Malcolm X talks about his first experiences with girls. We all go through that at some point in our lives. That’s when we learn certain things like:

“Never ask a woman about other men. Either she’ll tell you a lie, and you still won’t know, or if she tells you the truth, you might not have wanted to hear it in the first place.”

I’ve made that mistake. All I got was feelings of jealousy, but I learned quick though. Did it once and never again. There’s no point and the same goes with women asking men. Just don’t ask! Let the pages be written from the time two people meet going forward. Leave the extra baggage behind or the relationship will be doomed from the beginning. Unfortunately I’ve been there.

The third chapter is mostly about Malcolm’s introduction to the big city life. Before that he was living in the country. He describes his first impressions about Boston, how people dressed and talked, his new job and overall experiences.

There were many similarities when I first came to the U.S.. I think it’s what happens when people make drastic changes to their way of life and we can either adapt to our new surroundings or create sort of like a frame to keep us “safe” from the possibilities of the unknown. Personally, I think we all ought to explore the unknown and not be so afraid of rejection or the what-could-happen, all we have to do is make calculated moves.

I’m also talking about temporary changes like when we travel to another country. If I have the time when I travel, I like to mingle with the local people. Try to get a real perspective of life in that country. Locals are almost always friendly, especially when they know a person is not from there. But I also understand why somebody would want to travel to another country and do absolutely nothing. I think the important thing is in keeping a balance.

The next quote is from Malcolm X talking about “white-wigged black woman”, but I think it’s true about a lot of people regardless of sex:

“If they gave the brains in their heads just half as much attention as they do their hair, they would be a thousand times better off.”

One of my classes this semester is called Inter-cultural Communications and it’s basically about having a better understanding about other cultures and to be open minded.

One of my first experiences here in the U.S. was at the grocery store. I remember I was paying for my items at the cash register when the bagger looked at me and said: “Paper or Plastic.” Today, I know exactly what someone means when they use that phrase, but back then I had no idea. I was trying hard to fit in, I didn’t want to be a stranger, so I gave him one of the most common answers people use when they don’t understand something in a different language: “Yes.” He laughed. He just thought it was funny, and it was, but to me it hurt me quite a bit. Just because I was trying to fit in and I obviously didn’t accomplish that.

It wasn’t until I got home that Tracy explained to me what he actually meant. You see, in Panama there are no options between paper and plastic, at least that I know of. There is either paper or plastic. The bagger could have been a little nicer, be open to the possibility that maybe I didn’t hear right or I don’t know what he’s talking about and explain the difference. But looking back at it now it seems stupid that I didn’t just ask the bagger what he meant. But that was then and this is now.

I’ve actually come long ways from what I used to be. I used to be that shy kid afraid to look at people in their eyes. My heart would sometimes start beating really fast when I approached people. What I am today is a result of determination and practice. That’s all it takes. I will always have a lot to learn, but I know I can make it happen as long as I want it.

P.S.: I’m not full of myself, I’m just trying to make a point.

Life is so much better right now. I have all this time now to do the things that I want to do. I don’t need to split my time between work, school and my ideas. It’s all about me.

I’ve said this before. I’m not a lazy person at all. I’ll be working on something no matter what. I’m just glad that I have the time now to do things for myself.

This should be a big lesson. If I can only find the way to eliminate or keep the work for someone else at a minimum I’ll be set.

The life of a full time student that doesn’t have to work is pretty sweet. We never know what we have until we lose it. That’s why I don’t like looking back at things like that. I prefer to say my life was pretty sweet when I was working and going to school, both full time, and also right now. I’m just taking in the experiences that are leading me to the understanding that I now have: find a way to make the most time for the things I want.

Some of my co-workers may look at me and think that I’m just wasting my life. Maybe think that I have so much potential, if I was only willing to put more time and effort into what I do at work. Why? I’ve been there and done that, and at the end of the road, the rewards don’t make up for the sacrifices.

When I first came to America, I was the first person to show up to work and the last to leave. I would work Saturdays and Sundays, take work home and sometimes without pay, just to make sure the work was done and my boss would appreciate the effort. Sure, my boss appreciated that effort and the work got done on time. But that was about it… What? One or two extra dollars an hour is supposed to make me happy? I’m looking at the business owners drop by every other day to do a quick check on the business and off they go with pockets full of cash to socialize with important customers over beers while I’m doing all the ground work. Sorry, but I’m sucker free.

So I’m working for someone else so I can put food on the table and pay bills. If one employer doesn’t like what I got to give, another one will. Shit… this is America! If you want a job, you get a job. My goal is not to be like the business men that walk in to do a quick check on their business every day. I’m not lazy… never happened. My goal is to not be where I am right now. To work for myself. To learn everything I can from my experiences. To not have to depend on anyone with the power to come to me any given day and say “That’s it, you no longer have a job.” And home I will go with new worries in my head… how will I pay for food, my bills, my kids college tuition, etc. See I’d rather put my trust on a million customers. Work harder for them than any one else. And if the relationship with a customer doesn’t work out, I lose a customer I can always try to get back. I wouldn’t be turning my world upside down with the lost of one relationship.

To my co-workers: next time you think I’m being lazy, you should know mentally I’m always on a business venture. I saw the end of the road you are taking and I didn’t like it. I’m not saying what you’re doing is bad… it’s just not for me.

I think about all the things that I have done in the past two years and I can’t say I regret them. I’ve lived, and I’ve learned, I’ve gained experiences and I have survived it all. I really miss Tracy, and I love her very much. I have been involved with other women since the last time I saw her but not one I’ve cared for the way I do for Tracy.

The problem is, I don’t think she really loves although she says so. I think that what she really loves is the way I treat her. Maybe that’s also what I love from her. I’m getting really tired of everything. I need to find something or someone that can make me feel the way I used to feel not so long ago.

I’m tired of Panama, there’s nothing new for me here. Nothing that I haven’t seen that I want to see or go to. I wish I had money to travel all around the globe and never have to worry about visas or taxes or money. I believe all of these problems can be fixed if I first take care of my U.S. immigrant status. It’s not so much that I have to take care of it, I’ve already done what has to be done. It’s about waiting for it to happen which I have been doing all this time and don’t think I can do for much longer.

I started my journey back to Panama yesterday and it hasn’t been going to well. Right now I’m in bed with an upset stomach because of something I eat last night in El Salvador, and my whole body hurts because of the horseback riding.

A man just started singing on the street and I have to listen to all of it ’cause my room is right next to the street. Isn’t this great? It keeps getting better and better.

Tomorrow we are supposed to arrive in San Jose, Costa Rica and we’ll have to spend a night in the city. The trip has been filled with many experiences (good and bad), and some of them I don’t want to repeat.

I wish there was a train system that could take me all the way from Panama to Belize and into Mexico. I think it is a great idea and I don’t know why it hasn’t been done. It’s faster, more comfortable and economical.

I feel like I should start explaining why I’m starting a new journal… I decided to take on last trip before I started classes again even though my father asked me not to. I’m very glad I decided to take this trip. So far it has been very exciting, and I’ve had many new experiences.

A couple of hours after I got to San Jose, one of Tracy’s bags was stolen. It had like $600 worth of things in it. I can replace everything I had in that bag, but Tracy can’t. I try not to think about it anymore ’cause it doesn’t do me any good.

We spent like 5 days in La Fortuna and then decided to take a trip to Belize. The original plan was that we were going to visit a couple of places in each country and finish our trip in Belize. After spending some time thinking we decided it wasn’t going to be possible and that we were going to go directly to Belize.

Well off we went to Belize. After road trippin’ for 3 days we decided to stay in Guatemala and I’m glad we did. I’m in Panajachel right now and it’s beautiful. I’m thinking of coming again and spending some more time here.