Lately, I’ve been getting these anxiety to want to fight somebody or hit something. I get angry for a minute and then the feeling goes away, or I control it. Anger is one of those feelings that I learned to control when I was younger. I used to get really angry at my mom for saying shit about me that wasn’t true and she never stopped. She never knew when it was enough. I honestly feel like saying all the shit she had to say about me and anyone else was and still is her self medicated therapy. My dad had his good moments too. I think he felt like he was some god and he tried to exercise full control over everything I did. There was no freedom of expression. As far as I can remember all of the things I did that make me feel alive were behind their backs. But this is the past now. All I can do, if I ever get lucky enough to have my own family, is do better with the things they didn’t do right and continue doing the right things, which there are many.
So anger is a feeling I bottle, happiness I also know how to contain very well. I think my excitement for business is probably the one feeling I have no control over. I’m like a kid in a candy store when it comes to talking about all the things I’m planning on accomplishing and I’m sure people get tired of listening, but I can’t help it.
I’ve got this bottled up feelings and I don’t know how to let them out. You ever wanted something so bad that not having it was just not acceptable? I feel that way about two things right now and I don’t have either. I can see these two things as the salt and pepper of my life. I know they will make my life worth living and the same time make it miserable from time to time.
I wish I was ready to say what these two things are, but I’m not. I get mad at one of them because just thinking about it raises my heartbeat, and nothing should have that much power over me.
I don’t understand why I can’t just quit something that has that much control, but that’s what it is. Must be because I need something that challenges me to be better. Either that or I’m a masochist.
Since yesterday I’ve been thinking about something my Spanish professor said in class. We were talking about a story from Isabel Allende called Walimai, specifically about the way the conquistadores treated the native Americans and she couldn’t understand how a human being could tread another person the way they did. I’ve asked that question to myself many times, but I could never answer it. Well I think I finally have an answer for it: they didn’t see the natives as their equal. It’s about not seeing another person as human an then it doesn’t matter what is done. You can kill them, beat them up, burn them, enslave them, whatever…
I’ll go off the tangent a bit here, but imagine if chickens and humans understood each other, I wonder what they’re saying right before they’re killed. Or any animal for that matter. Being from different species and having that special degree of separation allows us to not mourn the dead cows. After all, we all need to eat right?
Take away all feelings and what do we end up with? Human nature in plain sight. Survival of the fittest. Eat or be eaten and yes, it is that simple.
My report: how can you go wrong with this movie? Its got action, based on a true story, some women to look at… a well done movie. It seems like these guys never got breaks from cops and death. I doesn’t seem like the lows are really worth the highs.
Rating:
About it: Martin Scorsese explores the life of organized crime with his gritty, kinetic adaptation of Nicolas Pileggi’s best-selling Wiseguy, the true-life account of mobster and FBI informant Henry Hill. Set to a true-to-period rock soundtrack, the story details the rise and fall of Hill, a half-Irish, half-Sicilian New York kid who grows up idolizing the “wise guys” in his impoverished Brooklyn neighborhood. He begins hanging around the mobsters, running errands and doing odd jobs until he gains the notice of local chieftain Paulie Cicero (Paul Sorvino), who takes him in as a surrogate son. As he reaches his teens, Hill (Ray Liotta) is inducted into the world of petty crime, where he distinguishes himself as a “stand-up guy” by choosing jail time over ratting on his accomplices. From that moment on, he is a part of the family. Along with his psychotic partner Tommy (Joe Pesci), he rises through the ranks to become Paulie’s lieutenant; however, he quickly learns that, like his mentor Jimmy (Robert DeNiro), his ethnicity prevents him from ever becoming a “made guy,” an actual member of the crime family. Soon he finds himself the target of both the feds and the mobsters, who feel that he has become a threat to their security with his reckless dealings. Goodfellas was rewarded with six Academy Award nominations including Best Picture; Pesci would walk away with Best Supporting Actor for his work. ~ Jeremy Beday, All Movie Guide
My report: I can’t imagine how it must feel for a soldier to return home after risking his/her life fighting and not receive a warm welcome or any type of appreciation. I don’t know if I could ever do that. I’m just not good at doing things for the sole purpose of someone elses’ benefit or sacrificing my life for a little money. I respect those who do it and I wish them well. This was a good and entertaining movie. You do end up wondering what happens to everyone at the end of the movie. I guess there is a second part.
Rating:
About it: A 23-year-old Peruvian Navy veteran struggles to re-integrate himself into society only to hit a series of roadblocks both societal and psychological, in the feature directorial debut from Peruvian filmmaker Josue Mendez. Santiago Roman (Pietro Sibille) has just returned to Peru following six years of military service. Coolly received by his parents and unable to find a stable, well-paying job, the dejected Santiago’s attempt to further his education is quickly squelched when he discovers that his military pension doesn’t offer the money needed to pay his way through school. Though Santiago eventually lands a low-paying job as an inner-city taxi driver, his disdain for the scum of the city finds the formerly virile young soldier sinking into a deep-rooted depression. When a group of Santiago’s former military buddies hatch a plan to rob a local bank, the conflicted veteran must choose between an honest life of poverty and an act of desperation that could end in tragedy. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide
Part of the homework I was working on today for my Spanish class was reading an article by Cristina Peri Rossi and she believes that menlovewomen that are superior to them and women also love men that they see as superior. It got me to thinking about it ’cause it just doesn’t sound right. No one with enough self esteem will actually admit that the reason she is with his or her partner is because they are superior. In fact, I think we all prefer to believe that we fall in love with people we see as our equal.
It’s not that we look at someone and feel they are superior, what we see is a person that can bring something to the table. Nobody likes having a partner they feel they are carrying or babysitting. We all want someone we can depend on and will have some qualities we either lack or are not as strong. This is the reason why men and women with money and fame prefer to marry someone like them. It is also the reason why men who have money, but are not very handsome will most likely marry a trophy wife and good looking women with no money are looking for men with deep pockets.
Like I said, it’s not superiority that makes a person fall in love. It’s that feeling of completion the other person brings. I think Cristina has some issues she might need to work on… she never used any names in her story, but she was way off about my feelings as a man.
I spent most of my day running around the college campus trying to get my classes for the summer registered. Got it done though and I start May 28th. It feels good to know that I’m that much closer to finishing. At the same time I also recognize the necessity to act more. I’ve been wanting to learn as much as possible about many things. Recently my biggest infatuation has been music. I called it an infatuation because usually once I learn something well I tend to jump into doing something else, something I don’t know yet. But music feels different. It is as dynamic as computers yet it has a larger connection with people, and that’s the reason why I believe music will become a life affair and not just a short term passion.
I want to believe that my biggest problem has always been self discipline just so I can prescribe myself something that will take me to where I want to be, but the truth is that I’m disciplined in my own way. Nobody has ever had to tell me to keep pushing. I do that myself. Nobody has said “write every day so you can become better at it.” I prescribed myself that medicine and I’m following it. No… my biggest problem, which I also believe believe is a great strength, is my need to have everything be perfect. I can’t put shit out there that is not right to me. The same way I can’t be that guy wearing fake jewelry. There’s people for that and I’m not one of them. Things like that just don’t set right in my mind. Either I have/do/am the real thing or I’m working on it, if I want it that is… So does that mean that time is really my problem then? That motherfucker just keep running up on me. Ticking when I would like it to stop or at least slow down for a… second??? How could I ever have time stop for a second? Imagine that… asking time to stop for a second, so time stops and measures a second… then keeps going. As if a second wasn’t time itself still running…
Hmmm, since time is always going to be moving what I need to do is make everyone else’s time less precious. And I only know how to do that by increasing the speed by which I take advantage of time. Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice… until what I do is so much better than what my neighbors do and I can do it that much faster. Some people say quality over quantity. I like to say quality in quantity.
I got all of my grades back for the spring semester. I’m happy about most of them, but of course there’s one that bums me out. Here’s what I got
Managerial Accounting
C+
Intercultural Communication
A-
Principles of Economics
B-
Academic Reading and Writing
B+
Advanced Conversation and Reading (Spanish)
A
It’s good enough to increase my GPA and keep it at the level it needs to be to get in the International Business major so I’m not going to sweat it that much. Hopefully I won’t have to see another accounting class again in my life. The way I feel about accounting is that it’s important to know so I’m not blindfolded, but knowing all the details is not that important if I’m not planning on being an accountant. As a business manager I will hire the accountant to do the bookkeeping. My job is to oversee operations and make the business as profitable as it can be.
Tomorrow is the last day to register classes for the Summer. I need to take two classes and then I have one more semester here at SDSU before I move to Mexico to finish the major.
My report: I don’t know about this one. It may be because I’m a man, but I do understand that the main character was beaten by her husband consistently before she ever took it upon her to do something. However, is it justifiable that she killed another person because of it? She suffered, he died. Neither one is correct and both should be punishable. If anything, there should be a lesser punishment when there is evidence that demonstrates the accused had no other alternative, but a woman that decides to burn her husband could have also decided to tell the authorities. The only thing is the law needs to be strict about evidence brought against abusive spouses. The people being abused need to feel confident about their protection by the law. Otherwise this whole thing doesn’t work. The story was too much on one side, even if it is true.
Rating:
About it: “Provoked” is the true story of a battered wife who fought back, first against her husband and then against the system. Full of optimism and affection, newlywed Kiranjit Ahluwalia (Aishwarya Rai) arrives at the doorstep of her new home and life with husband Deepak (Naveen Andrews). She would continue her law studies as her family had promised and the couple would start a family. The future offered only pain.The drunken Deepak beats her for the first time and shows remorse. He beats her again. It gets easier. After 10 years of violence, a dazed Kiranjit can take no more. She resorts to a desperate act that kills Deepak. She is convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison. Incarceration tests the outwardly meek Kiranjitâs toughness at every turn, but the mother of two has suffered worse at home. She develops an ally in the mischievous Ronnie (Miranda Richardson), who also doled out the ultimate retribution to her abusive spouse. While Kiranjit acclimates to life behind bars, Radha (Nandita Das), an activist with the Southall Black Sisters, glimpses a tabloid headline about her case and springs into action. A barrister (Rebecca Pidgeon) with limited resources cannot make any headway, igniting greater determination in Radha, who rallies public opinion. Ronnie is denied parole but she has a secret weapon on the outside to help Kiranjit: Ronnieâs estranged brother-in-law Lord Foster (Robbie Coltrane), an influential legal eagle. Kiranjitâs appeal gains momentum when Radha persuades a cop to change his knowingly false testimony that Kiranjit was in her right mind the night of the killing.Arguing passionately before the high court, Lord Foster moves the judge to change the fate of many battered women forever. The court rules that a prolonged period of beatings could cause the victimâs loss of reason in a delayed act of self-defense. The concept of âprovocationâ is redefined and is now a primary defense for the severely abused if a claim of self-defense is not valid. The judge reduces Kiranjitâs crime to manslaughter and orders her released for the 3 years and 4 months she already served. Claiming she felt liberated in prison, Kiranjit is free again. This time, without walls.
Ah yes… I’m finally over the hardest part of the semester. How did I do? I don’ really know yet. I feel like I did pretty well, but we’ll see when the waves come in. I got the last exam exam on Saturday for my Spanish class. Luckily, yo hablo un poquito de español so it shouldn’t be a hard test. I’m kidding, it’s my first language, bitches…
Relationships man… they are the key to a lot of things. People always go easier on you when you’ve got their emotions on your side. I have a reason for saying this, but I promised my professor I wouldn’t tell. Ya dig?
Even if it seems like it, what I’m about to say now is not related to the previous paragraph: I just discovered Facebook. I mean, I’ve had an account for a while, but I never actually gave it a try. Now I see the power it has to connect with old friends. I mainly use Myspace, but what I like about Facebook is that it makes it so easy to find people I know. I just had to put in some major events that go on in my life like high schools and universities and it found a whole lot of people I know from the past and the best part is that it tells me when I may know somebody else.
I had forgotten all about my friends from Panama. Looking at all those faces it makes me realize how much I left behind when I came to the U.S., how many people I actually know from around the world even though I’m always simplifying my life and how good looking I still am. A lot of them have gotten fat. I’m not even going to try to sugar that. Some of them were already ugly so they got nothing to worry about.
This one friend I found was always tall and skinny. The kids used to laugh at her because she was so skinny. Now I see her photos and I know nobody making fun of her now. I remember she was so excited to ware a bra. In classroom she told me once that she was and let me take a peek. She used to let me watch her get undressed in the ladies locker room after gym class. One time I got caught coming out of there and the professor gave me a detention. That meant I got to stay in school doing some bullshit for however many days my punishment was. It was one of my first detentions and I must have been in 7th grade. Having to stay in school extra long on birthday wasn’t fun. I remember that. Ha!
I see some of my old friends are married. Some pursued their dreams and are actually making them happen. Some I can tell have the same personality they always used to have… shy, friendly, cool, whatever… Some have also moved to other countries and still study just like me… It’s good to see everybody doing well.
I am who I am
I am the man who crawls into your bed in the middle of the night
And the same way I come, I leave when I like
I am the moon light you need so you can see at night
I am the sun that brightens your skies
Don’t ever think of me as your other half
Nor come to me when you need advice
I am not your friend nor your father
I am not your creator nor your messenger
I am not your brother nor your lover
I am who I am
I am the man who comes to you in the middle of the night
With a mood that supersedes my actions
I can be gentle or rough, but never expect me to act with hesitation
I make you feel good… and then I leave you to cry
I do not want your love nor do I need it
You know what I want and you will keep on giving it
Why keep asking for my name when you already know the answer
Wanting another answer is simply asking for more pain
I am who I am
And you must leave it at that
If you ask me one more time I will never again cross into your path
You see, in a relationship like this only one can have the feelings
The other is simply the perfect definition of a realist
I am the honest person that you’ve ever come across
I never lie to you, I don’t put anything on a cusp
If you have to leave me because I didn’t lie to you
I understand, and best of lucks to you
One of my cousins gave birth to her first child this morning at 1:30 a.m. I’m an uncle, even though it’s hard to feel that way. I think it’s only because I’m not close to my cousins or anyone else outside of my immediate family, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about them. It’s still a little crazy that it feels like it was just yesterday when we were playing Nintendo and watching E.T.. When the biggest worry was getting to level eight on Mario Bros. and having a birthday party at Chucky Cheese.
Even though it has been so many years since I last saw my cousins, I can still remember the thoughts going through my mind at the time we were closer. Before I even turned eight years old I remember, for example, that I wanted my mom and dad to become American citizens. This was because my country, while it was occupied by the American military, had territories that were limited to Americans, primarily military personnel. With my uncles being part of the American military, it always bugged me how they could easily cross into Panamanian territory without needing id’s, but for my family to go to their side of the fence it was always much harder and pretty much impossible without the vouch of my uncles. Even at an early age I realized how unfair things could be. Why did I need permission to explore my natal country when others born outside didn’t?
My determination to get American citizenship grew even more when I started traveling overseas. Everywhere I went it seemed like the dark-blue American passport would always open doors much quicker than my light-blue Panamanian passport. At times I was embarrassed of my nationality because it didn’t seem to do anything for me. My American friends were always more at ease crossing borders than I was. They knew that everywhere they went they were well represented. I knew that if something happened, I was on my own. But this the world we live in, isn’t it? It’s not always fair. After 20 years of wanting that American citizenship I finally got it. I used to look at the United States of America from the outside, now I write from within. And in my heart there will always be a special place for that country who gave me my first breath of air, who thought me so much with so little. It’s hard to describe the way I feel about my beautiful Panama, but my eyes water when I think of her like this. I wish she could have given me everything I ever wanted…
I came to America with a different reality. A reality that broadens scales a bit further than the average born American citizen. This reality is the one that tells me that poverty goes well beyond not having a good education, and that dictators, not citizens, really do control the destiny of nations at times. This dark-blue passport I own represents a lot more than a greater freedom to cross imaginary borders. It represents more opportunities and the accomplishment of a life dream.
I would be a fool to not take advantage of the opportunities that have been given to me. It is true that every day presents itself full of opportunities, but if we can’t see them then how can we take advantage of them? We just don’t see things the same way if we’re accustomed to them. We don’t think of every breath unless we’re gasping for air the same way we don’t think of every heartbeat unless we’re having heart problems. This is our world, and as unfair as it can be, it is also a beautiful experience, and I know my nephew already holds the better hand. Welcome to this world nephew.
What I like: her eyes, skin, lips, eyebrows, chin. She’s from Barbados, I love that and the accent. I like her tits just the way they are. I hope she doesn’t ever do anything to them. I think she’s naturally beautiful and doesn’t need anything to look good. She has a tight body, but she’s young so who knows how she’ll look a few years from now. A lot of girls start getting bigger between 25 and 30 I would say. If Rihanna can avoid the overweight at least until she’s 30 then amen.
A little side note: I think most people start getting fatter with age, but what I hate is when people don’t do enough to change what they don’t like about themselves and get mad at people like me who like something they don’t have. If you’re happy with what you’ve got then great, there’s somebody that likes you just the way you are. Don’t try to change my opinion about what I like. I’m turning 27 and my body is starting to get fatter, so every day I’m spending an extra 30 to 45 minutes on the treadmill keeping that weight off. I also have to watch what I eat a lot more. I didn’t have to do all that before. See what I mean?
What I don’t like: I’m particular about the legs. They need to be shaped just right and hers are not. I also think she’s got a little bit too much forehead.
I want Rihanna to get real big from a business/moneypoint of view. For some reason I feel like she’s being duped a lot and I hate to see that happen to her, if it’s true. If I ever meet her and she can get over my comments about her forehead, I wouldn’t mind helping her out.
Saturday was the day that me and Tracy had planned to go to El Valle. I was more exited about the idea of being away from home than going on a trip with her. I really didn’t think of her in a sexual way. I guess it was my innocence.
Somehow we ended up meeting a Native American girl from Saskatchewan, Canada, Louise was her name I believe. Ha… I just remembered having the hardest time trying to say her name right. My English then was not as good as it is now. but anyways, on the way to El Valle we exchanged a lot of interesting stories and got to know each other a lot better. This is, by the way, one of the coolest things about traveling: getting to meet people from other cultures and learning from them. I love that. There we were, a white girl from California, a Native American girl from Canada and a black guy from Panama, all speaking in our own accents and getting along just fine. I would really like for everyone in this world to get the opportunity to experience other cultures and countries.
I had been to El Valle many times before, so I took them to the zoo and we had a nice walk around town also. I remember being worried the whole time because I hadn’t told my parents where I was going. I knew that if I would have asked, they would have given me the usual answer: no. So I had stopped asking for permission on many things for a while now. I would just go places behind their back and hope that I could make it on time for my parents not to find out what I had done.
Tracy, Louise and I were having a good time and before we knew it, I had to catch the last bus home. The two girls were thinking about spending the night and they enjoyed my company and wanted me to stay, which I did. They had already paid for a room at a cabaña, which is like a hostel but you get your own private room with a shower and bathroom. The owner of the cabaña had charged the two girls about $20 for the night. She had said that if I was staying there would be an additional $5 charge. I was trying to stay in without having to pay, but when the last bus back to the city had already left and she saw me there, she didn’t miss the beat and charged me. I mention this because at the time it seemed like a lot of money to me. I had taken that trip with about $11. It always amazed me how people would come to Panama and spend money quite freely, especially if they were from the U.S.. Now I know why.
That night the girls had the big idea of going salsa dancing. I wasn’t into that idea because I was the only guy. If one or both of them got drunk or whatever, it’s all on me. But I wanted them to have a good time, so we went down to this local bar and hung out for a good while. I just kept looking everywhere and watching their drinks. The whole bar was full of guys and a few were brave enough to come talk to us. They would try talking to me in English first to try to figure out which one I was dating. As soon as I replied to them in Spanish they would feel more comfortable and had a few more friends join the conversation. The girls didn’t really get what they wanted ’cause it wasn’t really the kind of bar you go to salsa dance. I was actually glad. We bounced from there, the girls bought a cheap bottle of wine and we headed back to the room…
Yesterday I was telling a friend how I really want to start making big money, so I told her I wanted to be a rapper. She said to me that I was a little late on that one because most artists start young and it’s not so much what they sing, but who they know in the business. She says that’s why some songs that should never be on the radio, make it there.
I never really thought about the need to know people in the music industry that much. But it makes sense. I woke up this morning and the first thing that came to mind was that and ever since she said that I’ve been having this feeling that I need to make things happen now. I feel confident about my business skills, but I have no product that I can sell right now. I want to sell my music, but I feel I’m not at the quality I need to be yet. I’m working on it.
What I like: by now I think it’s pretty clear that I’m into brunettes. She’s got beautiful skin, good height, born in Hawaii. She’s 29 and seems to have the type of body that will stand the tests of time. I actually like the dark colored eyes on her.
What I don’t like: I was going to say that she seems like she would have a lot of attitude when she’s off camera, but after looking at some more of her non-music videos on YouTube, I can’t say I still feel that way anymore. I don’t know what I don’t like about her, yet…
I read that the first two singles on her new album didn’t do well. I listened to them and I liked them. Could be a marketing problem…
My dad called. He calls pretty often these days. He wanted to see how everything was going and let me know that he’s sending money for me and my brother. I could hear music in the background and he was repeating everything I was saying so I could tell there was someone else in the room. It was my mom. After years of not talking, they recently started talking again and they both seem happier. I’m happy for them and whatever they decided as far as wanting them getting together… to me is like whatever. They will always be my parents and that’s what’s important. Like I said, whatever makes them happy.
When I was growing up there were times I wanted my parents to get a divorce. It would have made things a lot easier for me. I would have only had to deal with one instead of two every time I did something wrong. Sometimes I would get separate punishments from them. How is that fair?
I talked to my mom and she sounds good. I don’t talk to her as often as I do with my dad. If they don’t call, I don’t talk. I don’t know why, but I feel responsible for every woman in my life. Like I got to take care of them. As time keeps moving, I’m also starting to feel more responsible for my dad; and my brother now that he’s here living with me. I try to advise him without sounding bossy and I give him all the freedom he deserves. I just don’t want him to have to go through some of the bullshit I’ve had to go through the almost six years that I’ve been here in the U.S.
My report: I rented this movie because I saw it had comments from Russel Simmons, Whoopi Goldberg and Damon Dash in it. I wanted to know how black people in power felt about the word nigger, and it turned out to be interesting.
The word nigger or nigga is used among black people in the U.S. in many different ways. When I first came to this country I only knew one meaning for the word. It is that same racial slur most people know the word by. But when I heard on T.V. and on songs, people using the word nigga so freely I thought maybe it is OK for anybody to use it. So I tried using the word, but every time I did it just didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel right because in my brain there was already a symbol associated with that word. It also didn’t feel right because no everybody, not even all blacks, feel the same way about it. The first and only time I heard my mom use the word nigger, she used it as a derogatory term towards my dad (when he wasn’t in the room) because they were having an argument. And even then it didn’t make sense that my black mom would try to insult my black dad by using the word nigger… they’re both black! It’s like this one time I was fighting with my older brother so I called him an “hijo de puta,” a common insult in Panama that means “son of a whore.” You see where the problem is? We’re brothers! By calling him a son of a whore, I was calling my own mother a son of a whore. As soon as I said, my brother smiled at me and said “we have the same mother you dumb ass,” we both laughed and that was the end of the fight. Never again did I use that same phrase on any of my brothers.
Here is my problem with the world nigger: it divides people. It divides blacks from all other races, and what’s most important, it divides blacks who are against the use of the word nigger from those who favor it. If you ask me, I would say the use of the word today in Hip Hop is mainly serving the same purpose it did when it was first used on blacks. I heard Chris Rock, a black comedian, say that there are black people and then there are niggers. I say niggers are blacks. He was trying to say that a nigger is a dumb black person who is ignorant and likes being ignorant, they like to “keep it real.” I am against his way of thinking because, again, it does nothing but cause more division.
I’ve heard people say that “nigger” is a racial slur, but “niggaz” isn’t. What? That is confusing, and the truth is that it is just another way to try to make the word OK. In Hip Hop lyrics, the word nigga is used all the time. These lyrics are not being heard by black kids, they are being heard by every race and culture on the planet. As artists, we black people are telling the word that it is OK to use the word nigga, but many times when we hear non-blacks use the word we get mad, why? The reason why is because the word, in many ways, still holds the same meaning it had many years ago.
The word nigga is a double standard and at the same time a form of empowerment. To the black person it could mean “I will use the word nigga because I want to, and no white person is going to tell me I can’t,” it could also mean “the word nigga is for us black people ONLY to use,” or “I am better than that other black person who looks just like me.” If you are a black person using the word nigga, you are using it to rebel or distinguish yourself. Either way, the true outcome is division.
I choose not to use the word nigga because it divides. If I use it it will be in a sense of unity amongst black people and knowing that everyone in the room is comfortable with the word. I truly love my race too much to help shred it apart. I don’t care what nobody, aside from all blacks, think of the word “nigga”. Let’s get our own black culture to unite so we can have a unanimous vote.
Rating:
About it: The biggest names in show business come together to offer their opinions on one of the most inflammatory words in the English language in filmmaker Todd Williams’ revealing and thought-provoking documentary. In its long and complex history, the word “nigger” has gone from a cutting and derogatory racial slur to a term of endearment frequently used by African-American youth culture. Though the word has in a sense been “taken back” by the very people that it targeted, it still has the power to anger and enrage when taken out of its new context. As a variety of celebrities including Quincy Jones, Russell Simmons, George Carlin, Damon Dash, and Bryant Gumbel offer their opinions on this polarizing word, the taboo of language is broken to reveal an ever-changing society that is constantly attempting to make sense of a dark past while simultaneously attempting to build a brighter future. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide
Hypocrites, have you seen one lately? If you think not it is because you are being fooled, but at one point or another in your life you came to see one so you know exactly what a hypocrite does. These backstabbers, good-for-nothing double-crossers spend their time pretending to be something they are not. They smile at you when they see you and when you are not around you are the victim of their endless mockeries, insults and negative criticisms. The worst part is not their hypocrisy, but what happens when you realize their “wrong” doing. Looking for approval from your so-called friends you start criticizing your new discovered adversary: “I can’t believe she would do that to me, I would have never done that to her.” But you are doing it, right there and then. You are talking about another person behind their back. You just feel it’s different because “she started it.” The truth is, there are two sides to everything. Which side is good or bad is subject to interpretation. Perhaps, the best approach to the problem is to look at things from all perspectives before reaching conclusions.
How often are children told not to play with fire? The child usually learns not to play with fire after that first contact with an object heated at over one hundred degrees of a new experience. The day my child comes to me screaming and crying because he/she just got burned, I will take care of the wounds and ask: “Do you understand now what I was trying to tell you?”
Isn’t it much better to know why, than to follow the beaten track? To know exactly why things happen the way they do is bliss. What’s even better is that by understanding that there are two sides to everything, we can take a negative and turn it into a positive. With this type of thinking, we are not just destined to have a glass that is always half full, we are also now wired for success. Can you imagine if we focused all that energy we spend getting angry with those who critic us and put it into something else? Find out if what your critics are saying is true and then use that information to get even better! People with negative attitudes are always ready to tell everyone else what is wrong. They make for much better friends than the ones who smile but never tell the truth.
There is no reason to experiment on the two sides of everything though, you got to be smart. If you decide to rob a bank and you get shot and die, you won’t have a opportunity to try something else, unless you believe in reincarnation that is. Know that there are two sides to everything and learn to make the right decisions. It is just as dumb to believe there is only one way to everything as it is to believe in single-sided coins.
I like what Will says starting on 4:43 when Charlie asked Will how he decided to do the roll of Muhammad Ali. Will says he had doubts at first because he couldn’t see the road from doing the T.V. show “Fresh Prince of Belair” to becoming a legendary and world renowned boxing champion on the big screen. That was until he was given the blueprint, or the step-by-step guide to how he was going to reach that goal.
Having a plan is very important. To me, there’s nothing great about going from point A to point B if you can’t do it again and again. If that happens, it means there’s a great amount of luck involved, and how many times can one person get lucky?
I’ve been thinking about the “wall” metaphor Will uses to answer the question on 22:25. He says his parents thought him not to build a wall, but instead to concentrate on laying out one brick at a time the best way possible. Soon enough there will be a wall. I learned about concentrating on the small picture a while ago, but I still think it’s important to know where I’m going. I like to dream first and then lay the first brick. I feel that without well-thought goals there might be a problem later on in terms of self-motivation. Suddenly we lose interest in something or we just stop because we don’t know how far we actually want to go. My problem, as I see it right now, is getting into the habit of following my plan without interruptions. I’m always working, but I’m always dreaming too. It’s hard for me to continue working on something all the way to the end because I get excited about new ideas and I can’t wait to start working on those too.
Right now, for example, I’m reading the scriptures of John from The Bible, Malcolm X, Pablo Neruda Poems, I’m working on the design of antoniobullen.com, I write poetry and music, I am trying to market geecho.com and I write about all these things. I want to do every single one of them and I also have the responsibility of going to my classes and soon I will be working again. I do spend most of my days on my music so that’s a good thing.
To me dreaming is important because that’s how I have set the standards to be not just number one, but also the first to do something never done before.
Will says something really good around 30:04 when he says that he hates the feeling of fearing something. The fear to pitch an idea or meeting with someone for the first time; and that he didn’t want to even take that meeting because of that fear. So he developed an attitude of attacking things that he was scared of. I admire him for that and I wish I had that at my age. I realize that’s a problem in my life and I’m working on it. In my case I feel like I will only attack things when there is no other route to take. In Spanish there is a phrase: “entre la espada y la pared,” it translates to “between the sword and the wall,” and that’s when I usually start pushing back.
It’s been a while since I have written anything about my music. Basically, through a lot of practice and forward thinking I’ve figured out how to compose beats much faster. Being able to get my thoughts into notes faster is good, but it’s not the most important thing. The most important thing is the quality, and I do think I’m preserving that level of quality I expect.
Writing is still a problem, but not as big. I have decided that I shouldn’t be thinking things too much. Instead just let my thoughts be, the same way as I’m writing right now and I’m not over thinking anything, I’m just writing.
My biggest problem though is performing. I can’t speak very fast in English and I attribute that to my few years of experience speaking the language. Keeping the pace is very important when rapping, I would say that a good definition of rapping is talking in rhymes over a steady pace. I have to train myself to speak faster so that I can rap better. It won’t happen over regular conversations because I’m already doing the necessary tempo required to speak normally. The only solution is to keep practicing over the beats. Just keep working on it until it sounds natural and is to my standards.
I keep thinking things are coming together though, and I can’t force the speed, all I can do is make good use of my time. That’s why I stop when I don’t feel like practicing. There’s no point in doing something when my mind is not in it, that’s called a waste of time. Besides, anything I decide to do, I know is going to be a learning experience and that’s important ’cause I can use that in my music later on.
I’m still reading “The Autobiography of Malcolm X.” I haven’t been writing because I wanted to finish reading and then get to writing, but in my readings today I came across a statement Malcolm made that got me thinking about the true nature of men and women. This is what it says:
…being that the true nature of man is to be strong, and a woman’s true nature is to be weak, and while a man must at all times respect his woman, at the same time he needs to understand that he must control her if he expects to get her respect.
I disagree with the first part of that statement. I don’t think being weak or strong has much to do with the sexes. I think it has to do with the personality of the individual. To say that this is the true nature is generalizing a bit too much. I do think that a stronger woman might prefer to have a stronger man and that has to do with a feeling of protection. Not because a woman can’t protect herself, but because she’d rather have a man that can protect her better than she can.
As for the second part, well… every person must respect and control others who try to disrespect. When a person is disrespected and fails to control the offender, things start slipping eternally out of control. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman. Of course I will put my girlfriend in place if she disrespects, and I expect her to do the same to me. I don’t want someone I can control, I want someone I consider my equal and I can respect as such.
Comparing one’s self/kind to others and feeling superior is not hard. Being strong enough to compare and praise others for their good qualities while still being able to maintain a good self esteem is what I consider dignifying.
I don’t have much to say about chapter 4. Malcolm X talks about his first experiences with girls. We all go through that at some point in our lives. That’s when we learn certain things like:
“Never ask a woman about other men. Either she’ll tell you a lie, and you still won’t know, or if she tells you the truth, you might not have wanted to hear it in the first place.”
I’ve made that mistake. All I got was feelings of jealousy, but I learned quick though. Did it once and never again. There’s no point and the same goes with women asking men. Just don’t ask! Let the pages be written from the time two people meet going forward. Leave the extra baggage behind or the relationship will be doomed from the beginning. Unfortunately I’ve been there.
I asked her a couple of times to go out with me and she kept saying “no”. I usually ask just once, but for some reason I swallowed my pride. She finally agreed the third time. She told me later on that the reason why she said “no” the first two times is because of the places I wanted to take her. One time was this club called Zelda’s that it’s pretty ghetto, but they have good music and we just happened to be talking about clubs with good music so I tried to sneak in an invitation to go out with me. I think the second time was at another club, which was not ghetto, but still I could have done better. I don’t know what I was thinking. The third time I did it right though. I said I would pick her up, take her to a nice restaurant and a movie after that.
So I went to pick her up, but I never came out of the car. I did not want to meet her father or mother. I had gone out with some girl the week before and she had me meet her family. I felt like I was going to a prom or something. It was really uncomfortable and I didn’t feel like repeating that. So I just called her when I was in front of her house and told her I was out waiting. I know it’s not romantic, but it gets better. Like always, she was dressed to kill. She really knows how to work the looks.
On our way to the restaurant there was this noise coming from her side of the car. I could tell it was coming from the seatbelt hitting on the door and it was irritating the hell out of me so I reached over her to get rid of the noise. She thought I was weird for trying to get close to her that way… conceited.
I don’t know how it happened, but while we were talking over dinner that night, something about her started opening up my feelings. All of a sudden I was nervous and couldn’t eat, my mouth was dry and my heart was beating fast. I won’t even lie, I wanted to get up and run away as fast as I could. I realized the effect she was having on me and it was because she had too many good qualities. Too many of the things I want in a woman, but it was too early for me to find someone like that. I needed to have an excuse to be able to fuck and forget. That excuse never came, and I would have been stupid to not allow whatever was going to happen, to happen.
