I just woke up to a nice little email from Tracy. She asked me to post her email so I will. This post, like the previous one, is not about dissing her. This whole website is about my life and what I learn from my experiences. If I ever write about something I knew wasn’t the truth then the lie would be on me. I would rather not write until I was ready to do so or just not do it. I don’t have to.
It is sad, but true: when you have friends to support your decisions whether they are good or bad and you don’t take the time to think things through, you end up missing on the learning that would have come out of the experience. Haven’t we’ve heard this type of great support before? “Fuck her, you just need to get laid,” “He’s a jerk, you can do better than that,” “Men are such assholes,” etc. What do friends know? Do they know and appreciate the boyfriend who helped take care of the girlfriend’s nephews the best way he knew how for several months? Or do his friends understand how much he appreciates his girlfriend for taking care of him and showing him around when he had just moved into a new country and the whole world seemed like new again? These are the types of personal connections that make boyfriend/girlfriend relationships hard to walk away from and that friends don’t understand or sometimes even know they exist when they try to help. It is definitely not a bad thing to have friends, but unless we start assuming responsibilities and taking complete control over our lives, friends are more of an obstacle to the process of becoming a better person.
Look at both sides of the coin. Somebody treated you wrong? Yeah, no doubt he or she might be a jerk, but what can you do to avoid that from happening again and with anyone else? Look into the things you can control to make yourself a better person. Yes, I have cheated and didn’t know how to communicate my emotions, but I’ve been practicing and learning about myself and I’m a better man now. I don’t get in relationships with girls if I don’t feel I can make a full commitment, and as far as communicating my emotions, well trying really hard and this blog have done wonders for me. I think I explained my perspective pretty well on I Believe in Two Sided Coins.
What else can I say? I wish Tracy the best, but unless she starts putting her emotions aside and depending so much on other people for moral support, nothing is ever going to change. Through my own experiences I’ve found that sometimes it’s good to take a break from life as I know it and look into myself to find the things I do wrong and fix them. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I make no assumptions and I don’t feel like I know it all either. If I knew it all then I wouldn’t do anything wrong in the first place. I am my worst critic and my best teacher at the same time. The truth, that’s all I want. That way I can start understanding and making things better for myself.
Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like Tracy ever read the comment I posted a few days later on What Goes Around Does Come Around or the post on Waiting and Cheating. All there is to this whole thing is that because of my relationship with her I’ve become a better person. At this point there is nothing else that matters or that I want from it. I took the time to step away from my own ego, looked at everything from her perspective and I learned from the things where I was the problem. As for the things where she was the problem, I just look for girls that don’t have the same ones.
I was surfing the web and ran across your website. Here are the true facts: #1 I’m not lonely!!! #2 I apologized because I was trying to be nice, but the truth is you were an absolute asshole to ME during our relationship!!! #3 What goes around comes around??? Then I guess you must have had or will have a girlfriend who cheats on you and is emotionally unavailable.
I certainly wasn’t trying to start things back up with you Antonio. The thought has never crossed my mind.
At some point in the past three years I lost my balls. At least I can admit it. I used to be happy doing the things I wanted to do and then I lost it all when I started taking other people’s considerations. Then I stopped being happy, I became a puppet. Now lately I’ve been back to my old self: relying on my gut feelings, making decisions and sticking to them and I couldn’t feel better about it. I’m starting to think that men (maybe women too) need confrontation every now and then to keep having balls. And maybe we all need to think a lot harder and rely a little more and what we learn.
I’m watching “American Beauty” right now. The main character puts it very well: “it’s like I’ve been in a coma and I’m just waking up.”
I have to make sure I don’t lose my balls ever again. I can’t be doing shit I know is not for me anymore. What’s the point in that? Taking orders from people I know shouldn’t be giving me orders, allowing my girlfriend to steer my decision into one I know is not the right one, allowing professors to disrespect the class when I’m a part of it, all of it is wrong and I can’t let it happen again.
I broke up with Anahi a few days ago and I haven’t talked to her since. I don’t know how our conversation got to the point where I was breaking up with her. It wasn’t my intention when I called her. A part of me knew it wasn’t going to work because I started seeing the differences between us. Even though we had many things in common, we have a lot more things that are not.
I’m afraid that I may never get to a point of caring so much for someone as I did before, but I don’t like tu use the word “never” and I’m keeping my hopes up that some day I will. The interesting part is that even though I would like to find a girlfriend I like being around and in love with, I also don’t want to find her any time soon. Simply because it’s not the right time.
I told Anahi that I know sometimes I don’t call and I disappear from everyone, but that’s just me and she had to understand that. She said she did, but that if she was around I should pay attention to her. It sounded like a fair deal, but I know that’s not what she really wanted. I know that she says that because I’m obssesed with my business ideas and her father thinks I will reach my goals some day. I know it is true that I will reach my goals, but if she sticks around simply because something her father said, she will not be happy. It was obvious to me she wasn’t happy, else we wouldn’t be talking about the way I am and what she would like. I think that in a relationship, it is better when two can live their own life without make much changes and living together happily. When I told her I didn’t know how much of myself I could give her and she said “it’s OK”, I knew I had to do something right then. She was giving away her happiness simply to conserve the image of a happy couple or who knows why, but I knew it wasn’t love.
Things turned upside down rather quickly and now she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I don’t blame her. I never thought we were moving too fast or doing anything we shouldn’t be doing, but she did. What can I do now? Anything I say will be used against me.
I thought we were going to last a lot longer and so did she, but I know that even if it hurts right now for both of us, we are saving each other some pain and time. Maybe someday she’ll see it the same way too. For now I just have to hope that she will talk to me again.
Something I’ve been learning lately is to always stick to what I believe. To not let anyone ever make me doubt myself in public. It’s OK to do the thinking when I’m alone, but if I start doubting everything I do and say every time somebody confronts me I’ll end up looking dumb and without confidence. But before I get into a “stick to what I believe” situation I need to be ready for it.
The past few days I’ve been thinking about my personality changes in the last three years, because I’m seeing how I’m starting to be the way I was before I started dating Katie. There were good and bad things about my personality then, just like when we were together. I was a much confident person before her. I trusted my instincts and my decisions, once made, they were unquestioned, simply acted upon. I was also arrogant. I thought everyone else was beneath me and I would make that clear by the way I talked to people. When I got with Katie I started changing my attitude towards other people. From the beginning, she would always tell me how I didn’t need encouragement from her for me to believe I was God in the flesh.
I became less abrasive towards people, but I also lost my confidence. I think it was a combination of not knowing how to treat people the right way and also not knowing how to treat my girlfriend. By the latter I mean knowing when to listen and when not to. In trying to be a better boyfriend I listened to all the… all the…. well… I’m going to call it bullshit. Why was I thinking everything she said was correct? I don’t know, but I took it all in and end up just as confused as she was. This is how I ended up being:
Stranger: Hi, how are you?
Me: I’m doing great thanks.
Thoughts just a minute later: I didn’t ask him how he was. I was rude. I probably offended him…. blah blah blah.
STOP THAT!
I started doubting my every move. It wasn’t me and I didn’t know how to fix it. I needed to understand why I felt better about myself before Katie and how I could get back to that same place minus the arrogance. I have figured out that it’s all about confidence. It’s a lot easier for me to make a decision and stick with it. I just have to make sure I’m making the right decisions. If I can’t stick to my decisions then it means I wasn’t ready to make the decision in the first place, so I need to be 100% confident in what I decide and, when necessary, know how to make those decisions fast.
One thing I know girls always liked about me, even though I was arrogant, was my confidence. When I changed that about myself, I took away one of the main pillars of my personality; and although I remained highly attractive, a big part of me was missing.
My girlfriend/wife opinions should act the way councilors do to a president. Not everything she has to say is good or may influence my final decision, but two heads are better than one.
I’m still reading “The Autobiography of Malcolm X.” I haven’t been writing because I wanted to finish reading and then get to writing, but in my readings today I came across a statement Malcolm made that got me thinking about the true nature of men and women. This is what it says:
…being that the true nature of man is to be strong, and a woman’s true nature is to be weak, and while a man must at all times respect his woman, at the same time he needs to understand that he must control her if he expects to get her respect.
I disagree with the first part of that statement. I don’t think being weak or strong has much to do with the sexes. I think it has to do with the personality of the individual. To say that this is the true nature is generalizing a bit too much. I do think that a stronger woman might prefer to have a stronger man and that has to do with a feeling of protection. Not because a woman can’t protect herself, but because she’d rather have a man that can protect her better than she can.
As for the second part, well… every person must respect and control others who try to disrespect. When a person is disrespected and fails to control the offender, things start slipping eternally out of control. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman. Of course I will put my girlfriend in place if she disrespects, and I expect her to do the same to me. I don’t want someone I can control, I want someone I consider my equal and I can respect as such.
Comparing one’s self/kind to others and feeling superior is not hard. Being strong enough to compare and praise others for their good qualities while still being able to maintain a good self esteem is what I consider dignifying.
Smoking is bad for the body, no doubt. I had a girlfriend that was addicted to smoking and she tried to stop several times, but she couldn’t. I used to smoke with her sometimes. I started smoking when I was a teenager because I wanted to look cool and be a part of the group. What I realized after a few years is that nobody actually starts smoking because they need to. There is a reason why people cough the first times they try to smoke. It’s not natural for our body so it’s basically telling the person, by coughing, that it doesn’t need the smoke. It has been years since the last time I smoked and I don’t see myself doing it again. Maybe once here and there just for the hell of it, but never on a daily basis or anything like that.
But here is the thing: if a person is happy smoking then OK, it’s their life. If a person is not happy smoking and wants to quit then I wish them the best of luck. The only thing I ask if for people that smoke not to do it around me. I don’t like the smell of cigarette smoke.
I was walking down the street hand in hand with my girlfriend
Looking for a gift for my mama’s birthday
When I came across a candy store I had never seen before
Big sign on the door that said:
“A Box of Chocolates When You Get a Job With Us”
Antonio: I would like to apply for a job I said to the man standing by the cash register.
Store Clerk: Sure thing can do. But do you know what you’re getting yourself into?
Antonio: No I guess not, I replied.
Store clerk: Well like everything in life, there are pros and cons:
This is a place where dreams become realities
And you can truly become everything you want to be
The whole world knows who we are
Some of them are friends, some of them hate
But that’s OK
Cause’ we can put them in their place
We’ve got stores that span from California to Japan
We are true caretakers of our workers
From other stores we’ve hired so many great minds
To them we are more like undertakers
He takes out a box of chocolates and puts it on the counter. Looks at me and says:
You see, our company is like this box of chocolates
We’ve got everything from white to dark
Some with cherries and others with caramel inside
But together we make one fine delight
Every piece of chocolate is unique in its own way
Using the same ingredients yet making small changes
And it takes a whole box to understand the experience
All of that before you come back to your senses
Before you fill out this application
Understand that there is a condition
You will have to come and train with us for a few months
You will leave immediately
And when you are done,
You might not want to come home
I understood what the man was saying and yes, I wanted the money, the fame, the glory and felt like I could take anything else that comes with it.
My girl looked at me and knew what I was thinking. In no time she held my hand tight and said:
Girlfriend: Please don’t do it
Not after all I’ve done for you
Who’s going to make you breakfast in the morning?
Help you through your darkest nights
When you think you can’t go no more
I know just how to mix your rum and coke
And that you can’t stand to walk over wet floors!
We had our lives planned together…
She was getting to me so I had to interrupt her:
Panama… say no more
You know you are the most beautiful thing in the world
Since we were kids we’ve been together
And through the years we’ve grown to be lovers
I’m not saying it’s over
But lately, you’ve been getting lazy
You’ve got to get your shit together
Please don’t cry for me… please!
I know you’re sad to see me leave
But I promise I’ll be back in a heartbeat
You were my first and only lover
I’m in debt with you forever
Oh yes, I will need one last favor
Please give my mama this box of chocolates
Tell her I’m sorry I couldn’t say goodbye
I tried…
That I love her and I’ll be gone till November
To pray for me and I’ll miss her food
But I’ll do good like she taught me to
And when I’m back I’m bringing diamonds for the sole of her shoes…
I quickly filled out the application, turned it in and got my one-way ticket. Hugged my boo and wiped her tears. The man walked me through the back door of the store where there was already a shuttle waiting to take me to the airport. And right before I jumped into the vehicle I had one more question I had to ask: Sir you told me how great your store is, but when I walked in I didn’t see a name on the door. What is the name of this company I now work for? The man looked at me and smiled, and with great pride he said: America.
I can’t forget that not everybody likes the same things. Depending on who I show my lyrics, they might say they are really good or they are not. I showed a friend of mine, Steve, my lyrics and he thought they were funny as hell. Shit… he had to call his girlfriend in the room so she could read them too. It’s all good, they are expecting more of a hardcore lyric talking about “nigga I got money and I’m better than you” kind of shit.
Steve works on making beats too, and he’s trying to start a business out of that so I was paying attention to the recordings he’s made so far with local artist and it’s exactly what I’m saying. They come to Steve’s home studio and get to spitting on the mic about having money, hoes and whatever. Sounding just like the next cat is how you don’t get recognized. I know this and I’m not changing my style. I’m just too different in my own way to be someone else. I’m the kind of guy people should either laugh at or admire. You pick.
It was about three years ago when I first saw you. The first night we went on a date I knew you were going to be an important person in my life. I’m very thankful for all the time we have spent together and I wish the good times would never stop.
I learned a lot about myself and what I’m looking for in a woman. You have many of the qualities I want and I wish we could have worked the rest out. I understand that you do not want to be my girlfriend, and I respect your decision. My decision is to no longer be a part of your life and I hope that you will respect that also. I have too much pride to be in this type of relationship. I need someone to treat me with the respect I try to give back, and I’m not getting that.
This has been a very difficult decision for me to make, only because I love you so much. But I am not happy and as long as I continue to put my feelings aside for the benefit of yours, I will not be happy. There are things I’ve seen and heard that I wish I could just erase from my thoughts. I’m convinced that you don’t know how much I love you, that you are not ready to accept my love, and that you don’t love me just as much.
I wish you all the best in your life and thanks again, for all the time you’ve given me.
got some money… spent some money… tried to invest some money…. now i got no money…. so i’m getting more money… my dad wants me to finish college… my girlfriend wishes i had money to spend on her… my mama won’t call… and my work… is where i get my money… but i don’t want to go no more…
so i work every day for that money… so i can take my girlfriend out… and i go to college when i leave work… so my dad can be proud of me… and maybe if I do everything right… my mama will call someday…
