Is it worth it to tell my girlfriend everything about my past? I’ve done that before and it led to two and a half years of insecurities. My ex-girlfriend was never ever able to trust me “because of the way I used to be,” even though I never cheated on her, in her mind there was the strong possibility that I would because I did it to someone else. The relationship eventually ended and I know part of it were her insecurities.

Now I’m in another relationship and I’ve decided to tell as well… Telling the truth keeps my mind at ease and maybe it will make her trust me even more. I don’t have to worry about hiding anything and I don’t want to hide anything. Besides, I believe my girlfriend should accept me for who I am. Yes, I’ve made mistakes but I’ve also learned from them. Isn’t that what’s important?

She’s taking her time to get to know me and trust me. Hopefully things will be different this time. I don’t feel there is much I can do, but hope things go the right way and continue to follow up on what I say I am now with my actions.

It must be worth it to tell my girlfriend my past… if not for her then at least for my own peace of my mind.

It seems like people just want to find other people and hold on to them. We find someone we’re comfortable with and we don’t want to let them go. We call these people friends, girlfriends, boyfriends… pretty much the same thing just a different level of connection.

I guess my “problem” is that I don’t feel like I need somebody in order to survive. I’m not saying I’m better. It’s actually a miserable life because there are not too many things besides enjoying the company of others that we can really do in this life. So my life goes on and I realize that I should mingle a little more, but mostly what I can see is just dollar signs and a tunnel that leads to either a one night of passion or nowhere.

I don’t know about this world I live in some times. It can really be a boring place and dying is not an option because maybe something better is just around the corner…

My report: I wish I could easily find more movies in Spanish like this one. Great story, I think it’s about things many of us have gone through even if it is to a lesser degree. I’ve seen this movie before, but for some reason I remember it having more nudity in it. That was something that I liked about the movie the first time I saw it. It goes to show how much my taste has changed. I’ve become very particular about what I like in a woman. I honestly feel like I can have any woman in the world and so I have upgraded my taste and become much more selective. People can make whatever they want about what I just wrote, but I demand a lot of myself. Shouldn’t I be allowed to ask my other half to try just as hard?

Rating:

About it: The romantic foibles of two young couples in Mexico — whose professional success has not led to personal satisfaction — forms the basis of this comedy with serious undertones. Carlos (Victor Hugo Martin) is a student of new age spirituality, while his wife Ana (Susana Zabaleta) is a good bit more interested in the pleasures of the flesh, leading to no small amount of conflict. Tensions increase when Tomas (Demián Bichir), an old friend of the couple and Ana’s former lover, comes to pay an extended visit. Elsewhere in the neighborhood, Andrea (Cecilia Suarez) is angry with her husband Miguel (Jorge Salinas), who doesn’t appear to put much stock in monogamy, and she’s even more annoyed when he announces that his former girlfriend Maria (Monica Dionne), who has just left her husband, will be their house guest for a while. After a great deal of arguing and soul searching, a temporary agreement is reached between the two couples and their friends — the men will stay in one apartment while the women will stay in another until cooler heads prevail. Sexo, Pudor Y Lagrimas/Sex, Shame and Tears was written and directed by Antonio Serrano, who adapted his own successful stage play. ~ Mark Deming, All Movie Guide

My report: this is not the kind of film the average movie person would like. The first half of the film is very boring, or serious I should say. It start getting more interesting on the second half, but don’t expect major action. I liked the end. I think it’s necessary to understand the history behind what was happening in order to really appreciate this movie. The entire movie was in German.

Rating:

About it: A man who has devoted his life to ferreting out “dangerous” characters is thrown into a quandary when he investigates a man who poses no threat in this drama, the first feature from German filmmaker Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck. It’s 1984, and Capt. Gerd Wiesler (Ulrich Mühe) is an agent of the Stasi, the East German Secret Police. Weisler carefully and dispassionately investigates people who might be deemed some sort of threat to the state. Shortly after Weisler’s former classmate, Lt. Col. Grubitz (Ulrich Tukur), invites him to a theatrical piece by celebrated East German playwright Georg Dreyman (Sebastian Koch), Minister Bruno Hempf (Thomas Thieme) informs Weisler that he suspects Dreyman of political dissidence, and wonders if this renowned patriot is all that he seems to be. As it turns out, Hempf has something of an ulterior motive for trying to pin something on Dreyman: a deep-seated infatuation with Christa-Maria Sieland (Martina Gedeck), Dreyman’s girlfriend. Nevertheless, Grubitz, who is anxious to further his career, appoints Weisler to spy on the gentleman with his help. Weisler plants listening devices in Dreyman’s apartment and begins shadowing the writer. As Weisler monitors Dreyman’s daily life, however (from a secret surveillance station in the gentleman’s attic), he discovers the writer is one of the few East Germans who genuinely believes in his leaders. This changes over time, however, as Dreyman discovers that Christa-Maria is being blackmailed into a sexual relationship with Hempf, and one of Dreyman’s friends, stage director Albert Jerska (Volkmar Kleinert), is driven to suicide after himself being blackballed by the government. Dreyman’s loyalty thus shifts away from the East German government, and he anonymously posts an anti-establishment piece in a major newspaper which rouses the fury of government officials. Meanwhile, Weisler becomes deeply emotionally drawn into the lives of Dreyman and Sieland, and becomes something of an anti-establishment figure himself, embracing freedom of thought and expression. A major box-office success in Germany, Das Leben der Anderen (aka The Lives of Others) received its North American premiere at the 2006 Toronto Film Festival. ~ Mark Deming, All Movie Guide

Sometimes I feel like I can’t do it all
Most times I feel like it’s all on me
Whether I fail or not, it’s on me
People tell me to leave it up to some divinity
But I’m afraid that if I start doing that I’ll end up with
Less than what I ask for, yet grateful for what is given
As if this is what was really my dream
And what if it is forsaken?

I don’t trust, I won’t trust, I can’t trust
Friends come and go,
Family stays but sometimes won’t show up,
Girlfriends take me on an emotional roller coaster
And the only constant is me

I’m filling my head with experiences I won’t forget,
Hoping that in return they’ll help me get to places
That when I look back I won’t regret

I don’t stop, I won’t stop, I can’t stop!
Friends will keep on smiling,
The family will keep on embracing
Girlfriends will keep on loving, then asking, then nagging
And the only variable is me

As I am capable of determining my own future
Son, that was the past now look at this future
And I know I can do it all…
I take a little bit of this and that and make gumbo with it all…

Things started getting more and more interesting by the minute back in the room. After drinking the cheap bottle of wine, which tasted horrible but what did I know back then, it was the first time I tasted wine, Louise called it a night and me and Tracy stayed up on the terrace talking. Getting to know each other better.

I remember the conversation was real smooth even up to the point we first kissed. I’m trying to remember how it went exactly, but I can’t. Maybe it will come to me one of these days. I do remember staying up all night ’till the sun came out, just making out to the point my lips were numb. Good lord, I don’t think I have the patience or excitement to do something like that again. That was high school stuff and even though I was already in college to me it was what I should have done in high school, but never did. I was nineteen and that kiss was what I consider my first real kiss. No “I dares” or other type of external pressure. Just a nineteen-year-old guy and a twenty-five-year-old girl getting together because they wanted to.

We didn’t talk about that night again. But the next day we were holding hands on the bus back to Panama City. Again, like high school kids, I guess now we were together… ha!

It was the beginning of the love I’ve discovered for the female body. It’s like they say: once you’ve had it you can’t go without it. Something about the curves, the smoothness, the delicacy and the smell of a woman… I really don’t understand how women just don’t touch themselves all day.

A woman’s body is the most valuable piece of art in God’s gallery. You can admire it for it’s beauty and you can also use it to create more art.

My report: It was alright. The whole story was predictable from beginning to end, but it got me thinking about how careful we all need to be. In my HIV class last semester we talked about how women were rapidly getting infected with the disease because of men that go behind the backs of their girlfriends/wives and sleep with other men. This is not just a homosexual disease, it’s an everybody disease. Men and women need to always use protection. I won’t deny I’ve done some stupid shit in the past. I’ve been lucky and I’m not jeopardising my life again.

Rating:

About it: At the time of its release, Jonathan Demme’s Philadelphia was the first big-budget Hollywood film to tackle the medical, political, and social issues of AIDS. Tom Hanks, in his first Academy Award-winning performance, plays Andrew Beckett, a talented lawyer at a stodgy Philadelphia law firm. The homosexual Andrew has contracted AIDS but fears informing his firm about the disease. The firm’s senior partner, Charles Wheeler (Jason Robards), assigns Andrew a case involving their most important client. Andrew begins diligently working on the case, but soon the lesions associated with AIDS are visible on his face. Wheeler abruptly removes Andrew from the case and fires him from the firm. Andrew believes he has been fired because of his illness and plans to fight the firm in court. But because of the firm’s reputation, no lawyer in Philadelphia will risk handling his case. In desperation, Andrew hires Joe Miller (Denzel Washington), a black lawyer who advertises on television, mainly handling personal injury cases. Miller dislikes homosexuals but agrees to take the case for the money and exposure. As Miller prepares for the courtroom battle against one of the law firm’s key litigators, Belinda Conine (Mary Steenburgen), Miller begins to realize the discrimination practiced against Andrew is no different from the discrimination Miller himself has to battle against. The cast also includes Antonio Banderas as Andrew’s partner, Joanne Woodward as Andrew’s mother, and Stephanie Roth as Joe’s wife. ~ Paul Brenner, All Movie Guide

Back in Panama I knew this guy, Ivan, from New York. He was in the country on a study abroad program, doing an internship for his bachelors degree and also learning Spanish. He was living with one of my friends from the neighborhood, Alejandro. One day Ivan told me some girl named Tracy from California had just moved into the same house he was staying at and that I should check her out. “She’s probably an easy fuck” is what he said. I met her and she didn’t catch my attention. There was just nothing that I saw as special at the time.

I saw Tracy again at the Spanish school Ivan was also going to and I ended up chatting with her for a while. We ended up making plans to go to a town called “El Valle”, which is in the countryside, about an hour or two from Panama city. It turned out to be a memorable day, but that’s another story.

My report: I liked everything about this film. The story was great, the actors, the scenes… It was interesting from beginning to end. Sometimes it was funny, others tragic or educational. Parts of it reminded me a lot of Panama’s countryside. I really want to start traveling again because it’s something that I really enjoy. Watching this movie reminded me of times when it was all about me and also that it doesn’t have to stop being that way. The end reminded me that life is too short to be wasting it doing things we don’t want to do. When people are constantly doing things they don’t want to do, they are not being responsible, they are being submissive.

Rating:

About it: Mexican-born, New York-based filmmaker Alfonso Cuarón directed this Mexican box-office smash hit about a pair of randy upper-class buddies that sparked some controversy for its frank depiction of drug use and sexual exploration. With their respective girlfriends away in Europe, Julio (Gael García Bernal) and his upper-class friend Tenoch (Diego Luna) are looking forward to a summer full of drink, drugs, and cheap meaningless sex. During a wedding, they meet Luisa (Maribel Verdú) — the 28-year-old wife of Tenoch’s scholarly cousin — and try to convince her to go on a road trip to Heaven’s Mouth, a made-up beach paradise the two claim is on the Oaxacan coast. To their surprise, Luisa — who is looking to escape her troubled life for a spell — agrees to go along. Two days into the trip, tension starts to build between the two friends: Luisa has had sex with each, and now both lads are not-so-quietly vying for her affection. Soon simmering jealousies boil over into savage arguments, threatening to completely destroy their friendship. After an enormously successful run in Mexico and Guatemala, this film was screened to much acclaim at the 2001 Venice, Toronto, and New York Film Festivals. ~ Jonathan Crow, All Movie Guide

My report: It’s the best Bonds movie I’ve seen. This one is more real. He’s not the pretty boy that always wins and gets the pretty women. Well… he did get both, but not without suffering. The story was also good.

Rating:

About it: Actor Daniel Craig assumes the role formerly occupied by such screen greats as Sean Connery, Roger Moore, and Timothy Dalton to set out on the character’s very first 007 mission. James Bond has earned his “00″ status by masterfully executing a pair of death-defying professional assassinations. Now assigned the task of traveling to Madagascar to spy on notorious terrorist Mollaka (Sebastien Foucan) for his maiden voyage as a 007 agent, Bond boldly goes against MI6 policy to launch an independent investigation that finds him traversing the Bahamas in search of Mollaka’s notoriously elusive terror cell. Subsequently led into the company of the mysterious Dimitrios (Simon Abkarian) and his exotic girlfriend, Solange (Caterina Murino), Bond soon realizes that he is closer than ever to locating well-guarded terrorist financier Le Chiffre (Mads Mikkelsen), the man who has personally bankrolled some of the most prevalent terrorist organizations on the planet. When Bond learns that Le Chiffre is planning to partake in an upcoming high-stakes poker game to be played at Montenegro’s Le Casino Royale and use the winnings to establish his financial grip on the globe, M (Judi Dench) assigns beguiling agent Vesper (Eva Green) the task of watching over the fledgling agent as he plays against Le Chiffre in a covert attempt to destroy the nefarious gambler’s well-established monetary stronghold in the underworld once and for all. Bond will need more than his legendary gambling skills in order to win this dangerous game, though, and after allying himself with local MI6 field agent Mathis (Giancarlo Giannini) and CIA operative Felix Leiter (Jeffrey Wright), the endlessly suave super-spy puts on his poker face for a high-stakes game of cards in which the stakes are not measured in dollars, but human lives. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide

We must have broken up at least five times in two years. And every time, I knew it was the right thing to do, but it was so hard to do because I cared so much about her and I felt like I always had the power to pull her back into the relationship.

I knew how she felt about us though, and I knew I was being selfish by manipulating the relationship. I also knew that I didn’t want someone that wasn’t sure about being with me. So one night I went to her apartment. She had not been answering my text messages or calls like she usually does and that bit of anger helped me do what I always knew I had to do. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was sort of an ultimatum. I wanted her to tell me whether she wanted to be together “yes” or “no”. She said “no.” She just wasn’t sure about us and she never was. I know she wasn’t trying to be mean about it, just honest. I needed her to tell me that. I couldn’t be the one to tell her it was over because I loved her too much.

We both took it well. I gathered the few things I had in her apartment and left as soon as I could. She just stood by the entrance hall as tears were running down her cheeks. When I passed her by to go for the front door she asked me if I at least was going to give her a hug. I think she thought I was angry at her and I didn’t think she would want me to hug her, but of course I did once she asked. I hugged her and kissed her forehead. That was the last time I touched her.

Katie will always be an important part of my life. I gave her more than two years of it and learned a lot in the process. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I know I made the right decision in the past. I am glad I didn’t just run away from Katie that first night we went out. I wouldn’t have known already what it is to love someone the way I did for her: enough to let her go and be happy. I would have also not known by now what it is to have a broken heart. And that’s an important thing to know so I can appreciate the good things even more.

I wish her the best.

The relationship was rocky from the beginning. It never turned into a fairy tale for more than one reason. We each had a couple at least.

For her:

1. She couldn’t trust me completely because of my past and the things that always seemed to be popping out of nowhere. I never cheated on her, but I felt like I was being punished for all the wrong shit I did. Call it Karma.
2. There was that time issue. She was at a point in her life were she wanted to be free. No attachments, just be single and discover herself. By being around I wasn’t allowing that to happen.

As for myself:

1. Money: I have always wanted to make serious cash. I’m not talking regular money, I’m talking about developing unique skills that will make me at least a few millions to start. I was also starting to see the financial burden of my failed business (Bullen Tea) and the social life I was living before I met Katie. And that just came right back to the second problem.
2. Time: just the wrong time for her to come around. With money problems and me trying to handle a full time job, full time classes, making time to see her and at the same time develop new business ideas to get rich from… right, that wasn’t going to go smooth.

After that first date I felt like I needed to clean up my act. The same way when a girl is coming to a guy’s house we start cleaning up, but just bigger. I had too much dirt on me. I didn’t even feel like I could kiss her until I got rid of everything else. I stopped talking to the girls I had in the works and I kept doing what I was already doing with the ones I had already gone through: ignore.

But still, the whole shit was just wrong. I would be talking to Katie and some chick would be calling a dozen times leaving hate messages. I never answered, but even the phone on vibe was getting old. I was dead set on getting Katie to trust me and winning her heart but something was always going wrong. She would find something or some dumb ass friend would call her the wrong name or some shit.

Another thing is that I had a weed habit that she didn’t like. I was smoking everyday-all day. To the point were sometimes I couldn’t remember her name. And that was fucked up because I really liked her, but there were a lot of other things I couldn’t recall fast enough. At work I would be talking to a client and forget the first half of the sentence I was in. Just have a complete brain fart and I would say that I had another call and would call right back. It wasn’t even fun anymore, I was probably spending a third of my day trying to remember things, so I had to clean up that shit too.

I asked her a couple of times to go out with me and she kept saying “no”. I usually ask just once, but for some reason I swallowed my pride. She finally agreed the third time. She told me later on that the reason why she said “no” the first two times is because of the places I wanted to take her. One time was this club called Zelda’s that it’s pretty ghetto, but they have good music and we just happened to be talking about clubs with good music so I tried to sneak in an invitation to go out with me. I think the second time was at another club, which was not ghetto, but still I could have done better. I don’t know what I was thinking. The third time I did it right though. I said I would pick her up, take her to a nice restaurant and a movie after that.

So I went to pick her up, but I never came out of the car. I did not want to meet her father or mother. I had gone out with some girl the week before and she had me meet her family. I felt like I was going to a prom or something. It was really uncomfortable and I didn’t feel like repeating that. So I just called her when I was in front of her house and told her I was out waiting. I know it’s not romantic, but it gets better. Like always, she was dressed to kill. She really knows how to work the looks.

On our way to the restaurant there was this noise coming from her side of the car. I could tell it was coming from the seatbelt hitting on the door and it was irritating the hell out of me so I reached over her to get rid of the noise. She thought I was weird for trying to get close to her that way… conceited.

I don’t know how it happened, but while we were talking over dinner that night, something about her started opening up my feelings. All of a sudden I was nervous and couldn’t eat, my mouth was dry and my heart was beating fast. I won’t even lie, I wanted to get up and run away as fast as I could. I realized the effect she was having on me and it was because she had too many good qualities. Too many of the things I want in a woman, but it was too early for me to find someone like that. I needed to have an excuse to be able to fuck and forget. That excuse never came, and I would have been stupid to not allow whatever was going to happen, to happen.

One night I saw her forming the line at a night club and it was just the perfect time for me to show off. Me and my buddies never had to form lines at clubs in the Palm Springs area, everybody had a connection. So when I saw Katie forming the line with two other guys I approached her and said “hi” and told her to get rid of the guys and I would get her in. I could tell she wanted to, but I could also see she was not that type of person. Those two guys deserved it though, they were like little kids acting all stupid.

I never saw her inside the club that night. She told me later that one guy was bounced for trying to come in with a can of beer or something like that. Well there you go…

I believe everything is possible, but the day I met Katie it was no love at first site. I thought she looked good and I wanted to get with her. So I made a mental note: “work on the brunette from the gym.” That was about it.

At the time I was all about having sex with as many girls as possible. Feelings towards someone else were something I hadn’t been experiencing for a while and honestly it was just what I needed to do at that time.

I think the first time I talked to Katie I asked her if I had talked to her before. I’m sure she thought it was my way of breaking the ice, but really… I was confusing her with another girl I had met at the gym. I wised up though. I quickly dropped the subject and got to knowing her a little better.

One of the things that I always liked about her was that I couldn’t read her mind all the way. Up to this day I can’t. She has this blank stare that she disguises with a smile and it just throws me off. Nobody should ever do that. A girl should either give me a blank stare meaning “what the fuck do you want” or smile and let me know it’s OK to talk to her. The blank stare is similar to Tim Duncan’s, you know, the basketball player… It’s probably not a good comparison ‘cause he’s a guy but that’s the only other person I’ve seen with that same look.