I just woke up to a nice little email from Tracy. She asked me to post her email so I will. This post, like the previous one, is not about dissing her. This whole website is about my life and what I learn from my experiences. If I ever write about something I knew wasn’t the truth then the lie would be on me. I would rather not write until I was ready to do so or just not do it. I don’t have to.

It is sad, but true: when you have friends to support your decisions whether they are good or bad and you don’t take the time to think things through, you end up missing on the learning that would have come out of the experience. Haven’t we’ve heard this type of great support before? “Fuck her, you just need to get laid,” “He’s a jerk, you can do better than that,” “Men are such assholes,” etc. What do friends know? Do they know and appreciate the boyfriend who helped take care of the girlfriend’s nephews the best way he knew how for several months? Or do his friends understand how much he appreciates his girlfriend for taking care of him and showing him around when he had just moved into a new country and the whole world seemed like new again? These are the types of personal connections that make boyfriend/girlfriend relationships hard to walk away from and that friends don’t understand or sometimes even know they exist when they try to help. It is definitely not a bad thing to have friends, but unless we start assuming responsibilities and taking complete control over our lives, friends are more of an obstacle to the process of becoming a better person.

Look at both sides of the coin. Somebody treated you wrong? Yeah, no doubt he or she might be a jerk, but what can you do to avoid that from happening again and with anyone else? Look into the things you can control to make yourself a better person. Yes, I have cheated and didn’t know how to communicate my emotions, but I’ve been practicing and learning about myself and I’m a better man now. I don’t get in relationships with girls if I don’t feel I can make a full commitment, and as far as communicating my emotions, well trying really hard and this blog have done wonders for me. I think I explained my perspective pretty well on I Believe in Two Sided Coins.

What else can I say? I wish Tracy the best, but unless she starts putting her emotions aside and depending so much on other people for moral support, nothing is ever going to change. Through my own experiences I’ve found that sometimes it’s good to take a break from life as I know it and look into myself to find the things I do wrong and fix them. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I make no assumptions and I don’t feel like I know it all either. If I knew it all then I wouldn’t do anything wrong in the first place. I am my worst critic and my best teacher at the same time. The truth, that’s all I want. That way I can start understanding and making things better for myself.

Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like Tracy ever read the comment I posted a few days later on What Goes Around Does Come Around or the post on Waiting and Cheating. All there is to this whole thing is that because of my relationship with her I’ve become a better person. At this point there is nothing else that matters or that I want from it. I took the time to step away from my own ego, looked at everything from her perspective and I learned from the things where I was the problem. As for the things where she was the problem, I just look for girls that don’t have the same ones.

Here are her emails:

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On October 17th Tracy wrote:

Hey, I’ve been thinking about you lately…  How’s life?

I’m really sorry about the way I treated you.  I hope you’re really happy and feeling succussful.  Write to me sometime if you feel like it. 

Tracy

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On October 22nd I wrote about her email on What Goes Around Does Come Around.

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On November 29th Tracy wrote:

I was surfing the web and ran across your website.  Here are the true facts:  #1 I’m not lonely!!! #2 I apologized because I was trying to be nice, but the truth is you were an absolute asshole to ME during our relationship!!!  #3  What goes around comes around??? Then I guess you must have had or will have a girlfriend who cheats on you and is emotionally unavailable.

I certainly wasn’t trying to start things back up with you Antonio.  The thought has never crossed my mind.

POST THAT!!!

I studied last night from about 8:00 p.m. till 8:00 this morning for my first Marketing test. I think I did well, but we’ll see when the results come how well I did. I came back home after the test around 10:00 a.m., ate breakfast and went to bed around 11:30 till 3:30 p.m. Then I read an article for my writing class and I just got home. I got a 14 out of 15 on the first essay for my writing class. That’s an A so I’m happy about that, however, I’m missing a point… The professor is giving us students a chance to review the essay and turn it in again. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’m going to correct the few mistakes I made and turn it in again. I’m just not into mediocrity at this point when it comes to writing for  a great. I think I understand the general concepts well enough to demand a 100% on my grade and that’s what I’m shooting for.

I think I’ve said this before, but I finally feel free to socialize more again. For a while now it’s been about upgrading myself, and I will continue to do that, but now I can also spend time talking to others and getting to know people better. There are a couple of girls I’d really like to get to know better. There is one in particular that I’ve never talked to before that has really caught my attention. I’m just waiting for the right chance to tell her that and then ask her out.

My report: I was excited to see this movie because I have been thinking about Muslim women and how much free will they actually have, but this film didn’t help much. What happened here? This movie had a beginning, but no end. Cual fue la moraleja? It moved very slow. It seemed like all the scenes were dragging. As if the producers tried to make a movie out of something that should have been a 30 minute documentary at the most. I think there was a budget problem on this film. Everything took place in basically two places: a bus and a space next to a stadium about 20′ x 10′ long. At the end of the movie I was left wondering what happened to every single character in the movie. Really, what happened here?

Rating:

About it: A handful of girls struggle to make their way into the man’s world of an Iranian soccer stadium in this comedy from writer and director Jafar Panahi. World Cup season is just around the corner, and Iran’s team is playing a game against Bahrain that will determine who will be competing in soccer’s greatest tournament. Nearly everyone in Tehran seems to be abuzz with excitement over the game, through officially soccer in Iran is quite literally for men only — no women are allowed inside the stadium, and women’s interest in the game is severely frowned upon. But that doesn’t stop a number of girls from all over the city from trying to crash the game dressed up as boys; while some succeed, others are unable to fool security, and are sent to a holding bullpen in the stadium where they can hear the cheers of the crowd but can’t see the game. One of the policemen watching over the girls (who range from rowdy tomboys to quiet and bookish types) is sympathetic and keeps them updated on the score and key plays, while another is a petty bureaucrat who suffers the mockery of his “prisoners.” Offside received its North American premiere at the 2006 Toronto Film Festival. ~ Mark Deming, All Movie Guide

My report: It was a different story. It wasn’t about the concentration camps, but the story of a rich Jewish girl who ends up becoming a spy. It was an interesting story. I don’t really know what else to say about it. It wasn’t predictable, but it also didn’t catch my total attention. Maybe because it was in another language…

Rating:

About it: Filmmaker Paul Verhoeven returned to the Netherlands after more than twenty years of success in Hollywood to direct this epic-scale war drama based on a true story. Rachel Steinn (Carice van Houten) is a beautiful Jewish woman living in German-occupied Holland during late 1944. Her family members - who have been falsely promised safe passage to Belgium (their names recorded in the ‘black book’ of the title) are instead robbed and slaughtered by the Germans on a premeditated basis; Rachel herself manages to escape by diving into the water and swimming away. She narrowly avoids capture, then joins the local resistance movement. With her hair dyed blonde, Rachel can easily pass for Aryan, and when the leader of the Dutch resistance movement learns his son has been captured by Axis forces, Rachel is asked to use her feminine charms to persuade a German commander to arrange for the boy’s release. Rachel soon finds herself caught up in a dangerous double life as she becomes a sexual plaything for the Nazis while attempting to bring down their evil empire as a spy. Zwartboek was written by Verhoeven and Gerard Soeteman, who collaborated on the 1977 international success Soldier of Orange. Zwartboek received its world premier at the 2006 Venice Film Festival. ~ Mark Deming, All Movie Guide

I talked to a Muslim girl today at the library and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Not just because she was Muslim, but because she’s also a very beautiful woman. I’ve seen her many times before. She’s always at the library studying and I’ve wanted to talk to her many times before, but she feels…. I guess untouchable is the right word. With that veil that covers her hair, which I know now is called a hijab, always dressed to cover and nothing shows except for her face and hands, but today I just said “fuck it, I’ll talk to her just like I would do with anyone else and if she doesn’t want to she’ll let me know.” So I did, and as I approached her I could see details about her beauty I could never see before because I always looked at her from a distance. I liked her eyes and her face looked smooth; she also has a beautiful smile. I broke the ice by asking her what her major was, she looked at me and I disarmed her with a smile, she smiled back and told me she studies Political Science. I detected an accent, and I liked it. I could tell she was busy so I didn’t want to take much of her time. My job was to brake the ice and get her to notice me, the mission was accomplished so after talking to her a bit longer I said goodbye. I also learned that she’s not a student at SDSU, and she’s only comes to study. I didn’t ask her why. It can make for conversation some other time, but I don’t really care about for the answer that much.

I like knowing about the unknown. I want to know more about her and even though it was just a few seconds of conversation, it was enough for me to decide if she would be interesting. I can look at a girl and just based on the way she carries herself, the way she’s dressed and her friends, I can tell what she’s probably like and most of the time I’m right. I’m not the only one that does this, we all do. I know so little about Muslims that it makes this girl that much interesting, even though I’m already attracted just by looking at her.

Hopefully I’ll get to know her better. We’ll see…

Things started getting more and more interesting by the minute back in the room. After drinking the cheap bottle of wine, which tasted horrible but what did I know back then, it was the first time I tasted wine, Louise called it a night and me and Tracy stayed up on the terrace talking. Getting to know each other better.

I remember the conversation was real smooth even up to the point we first kissed. I’m trying to remember how it went exactly, but I can’t. Maybe it will come to me one of these days. I do remember staying up all night ’till the sun came out, just making out to the point my lips were numb. Good lord, I don’t think I have the patience or excitement to do something like that again. That was high school stuff and even though I was already in college to me it was what I should have done in high school, but never did. I was nineteen and that kiss was what I consider my first real kiss. No “I dares” or other type of external pressure. Just a nineteen-year-old guy and a twenty-five-year-old girl getting together because they wanted to.

We didn’t talk about that night again. But the next day we were holding hands on the bus back to Panama City. Again, like high school kids, I guess now we were together… ha!

It was the beginning of the love I’ve discovered for the female body. It’s like they say: once you’ve had it you can’t go without it. Something about the curves, the smoothness, the delicacy and the smell of a woman… I really don’t understand how women just don’t touch themselves all day.

A woman’s body is the most valuable piece of art in God’s gallery. You can admire it for it’s beauty and you can also use it to create more art.

What I like: I like her eyes, they’re different colors each. I bet that scared someone at least once in her life. She’s got a fine little body and she was born in a different country. I like girls born in countries different from the one I’m living. In my mind it just makes them more exciting. I like her legs too and the tits are fine. Hope she done get a job on them.

What I don’t like: not much ass on her. Also some more curve on the hips would be nice. Having said that, I wouldn’t mind her just the way she is.

She’s the girl from “That 70’s Show.”

What I like: her eyes, skin, lips, eyebrows, chin. She’s from Barbados, I love that and the accent. I like her tits just the way they are. I hope she doesn’t ever do anything to them. I think she’s naturally beautiful and doesn’t need anything to look good. She has a tight body, but she’s young so who knows how she’ll look a few years from now. A lot of girls start getting bigger between 25 and 30 I would say. If Rihanna can avoid the overweight at least until she’s 30 then amen.

A little side note: I think most people start getting fatter with age, but what I hate is when people don’t do enough to change what they don’t like about themselves and get mad at people like me who like something they don’t have. If you’re happy with what you’ve got then great, there’s somebody that likes you just the way you are. Don’t try to change my opinion about what I like. I’m turning 27 and my body is starting to get fatter, so every day I’m spending an extra 30 to 45 minutes on the treadmill keeping that weight off. I also have to watch what I eat a lot more. I didn’t have to do all that before. See what I mean?

What I don’t like: I’m particular about the legs. They need to be shaped just right and hers are not. I also think she’s got a little bit too much forehead.

I want Rihanna to get real big from a business/money point of view. For some reason I feel like she’s being duped a lot and I hate to see that happen to her, if it’s true. If I ever meet her and she can get over my comments about her forehead, I wouldn’t mind helping her out.

Rihanna's official website

Rihanna on Wikipedia

Saturday was the day that me and Tracy had planned to go to El Valle. I was more exited about the idea of being away from home than going on a trip with her. I really didn’t think of her in a sexual way. I guess it was my innocence.

Somehow we ended up meeting a Native American girl from Saskatchewan, Canada, Louise was her name I believe. Ha… I just remembered having the hardest time trying to say her name right. My English then was not as good as it is now. but anyways, on the way to El Valle we exchanged a lot of interesting stories and got to know each other a lot better. This is, by the way, one of the coolest things about traveling: getting to meet people from other cultures and learning from them. I love that. There we were, a white girl from California, a Native American girl from Canada and a black guy from Panama, all speaking in our own accents and getting along just fine. I would really like for everyone in this world to get the opportunity to experience other cultures and countries.

I had been to El Valle many times before, so I took them to the zoo and we had a nice walk around town also. I remember being worried the whole time because I hadn’t told my parents where I was going. I knew that if I would have asked, they would have given me the usual answer: no. So I had stopped asking for permission on many things for a while now. I would just go places behind their back and hope that I could make it on time for my parents not to find out what I had done.

Tracy, Louise and I were having a good time and before we knew it, I had to catch the last bus home. The two girls were thinking about spending the night and they enjoyed my company and wanted me to stay, which I did. They had already paid for a room at a cabaña, which is like a hostel but you get your own private room with a shower and bathroom. The owner of the cabaña had charged the two girls about $20 for the night. She had said that if I was staying there would be an additional $5 charge. I was trying to stay in without having to pay, but when the last bus back to the city had already left and she saw me there, she didn’t miss the beat and charged me. I mention this because at the time it seemed like a lot of money to me. I had taken that trip with about $11. It always amazed me how people would come to Panama and spend money quite freely, especially if they were from the U.S.. Now I know why.

That night the girls had the big idea of going salsa dancing. I wasn’t into that idea because I was the only guy. If one or both of them got drunk or whatever, it’s all on me. But I wanted them to have a good time, so we went down to this local bar and hung out for a good while. I just kept looking everywhere and watching their drinks. The whole bar was full of guys and a few were brave enough to come talk to us. They would try talking to me in English first to try to figure out which one I was dating. As soon as I replied to them in Spanish they would feel more comfortable and had a few more friends join the conversation. The girls didn’t really get what they wanted ’cause it wasn’t really the kind of bar you go to salsa dance. I was actually glad. We bounced from there, the girls bought a cheap bottle of wine and we headed back to the room…

I didn’t take any notes on chapters 7 and 8 so I must have considered them stories with nothing too important that I could apply as a teaching. At this point in the book Malcolm went to jail on burglary and received a sentence of 10 years instead of the usual 2 years Malcolm saw other inmates receive. Malcolm says it had to do with him having white girls as partners in crime.

It was in jail when he first learned about the religion of Islam and that’s when his life started changing for the better.

In chapter 10 the following note caught my attention:

… your number in prison became part of you. You never heard your name, only your number. On all of your clothing, every item, was your number, stenciled. It grew stenciled on your brain.

I’ve never been to jail, but this reminded me of when I used to be in boarding school. How everything piece of clothing had to be marked with a number. Although I was only in a boarding school for about three months before I got my chance to move back to the city, I still remember that number from thirteen years ago: 133. The same way I still remember my social security number from Panama and the U.S. and my driver’s license number. Is that what we’ve become? A number? I see the importance of having one; it would be almost impossible to differentiate millions of people without giving each one a unique identifier. It is also important that we not forget we are still humans with personalities that can’t be defined by a number or any other sort of generalized classification.

Something I’ve been learning lately is to always stick to what I believe. To not let anyone ever make me doubt myself in public. It’s OK to do the thinking when I’m alone, but if I start doubting everything I do and say every time somebody confronts me I’ll end up looking dumb and without confidence. But before I get into a “stick to what I believe” situation I need to be ready for it.

The past few days I’ve been thinking about my personality changes in the last three years, because I’m seeing how I’m starting to be the way I was before I started dating Katie. There were good and bad things about my personality then, just like when we were together. I was a much confident person before her. I trusted my instincts and my decisions, once made, they were unquestioned, simply acted upon. I was also arrogant. I thought everyone else was beneath me and I would make that clear by the way I talked to people. When I got with Katie I started changing my attitude towards other people. From the beginning, she would always tell me how I didn’t need encouragement from her for me to believe I was God in the flesh.

I became less abrasive towards people, but I also lost my confidence. I think it was a combination of not knowing how to treat people the right way and also not knowing how to treat my girlfriend. By the latter I mean knowing when to listen and when not to. In trying to be a better boyfriend I listened to all the… all the…. well… I’m going to call it bullshit. Why was I thinking everything she said was correct? I don’t know, but I took it all in and end up just as confused as she was. This is how I ended up being:

Stranger: Hi, how are you?

Me: I’m doing great thanks.

Thoughts just a minute later: I didn’t ask him how he was. I was rude. I probably offended him…. blah blah blah.

STOP THAT!

I started doubting my every move. It wasn’t me and I didn’t know how to fix it. I needed to understand why I felt better about myself before Katie and how I could get back to that same place minus the arrogance. I have figured out that it’s all about confidence. It’s a lot easier for me to make a decision and stick with it. I just have to make sure I’m making the right decisions. If I can’t stick to my decisions then it means I wasn’t ready to make the decision in the first place, so I need to be 100% confident in what I decide and, when necessary, know how to make those decisions fast.

One thing I know girls always liked about me, even though I was arrogant, was my confidence. When I changed that about myself, I took away one of the main pillars of my personality; and although I remained highly attractive, a big part of me was missing.

My girlfriend/wife opinions should act the way councilors do to a president. Not everything she has to say is good or may influence my final decision, but two heads are better than one.

What I like: her eyebrows, the dark long hair with the light colored eyes. She’s seems very girly, knows how to dress good and has a nice smile. Still she doesn’t seem to be one of those girls that would spend way too much time getting ready to go out. From the pictures that I’ve seen she doesn’t dress for people to look at her, I would say it’s  always about what she wants to wear. Her dresses are not usually tight or very short and I like that she can switch it up like that.

What I don’t like: I don’t know anything about her. I know her father was a football player for the Jets, but about her I know nothing, except she has/had a t.v. show with her mom.

If I’m right about the way she dresses and her personality, I wouldn’t mind getting to know her better.

I don’t have much to say about chapter 4. Malcolm X talks about his first experiences with girls. We all go through that at some point in our lives. That’s when we learn certain things like:

“Never ask a woman about other men. Either she’ll tell you a lie, and you still won’t know, or if she tells you the truth, you might not have wanted to hear it in the first place.”

I’ve made that mistake. All I got was feelings of jealousy, but I learned quick though. Did it once and never again. There’s no point and the same goes with women asking men. Just don’t ask! Let the pages be written from the time two people meet going forward. Leave the extra baggage behind or the relationship will be doomed from the beginning. Unfortunately I’ve been there.

After that first date I felt like I needed to clean up my act. The same way when a girl is coming to a guy’s house we start cleaning up, but just bigger. I had too much dirt on me. I didn’t even feel like I could kiss her until I got rid of everything else. I stopped talking to the girls I had in the works and I kept doing what I was already doing with the ones I had already gone through: ignore.

But still, the whole shit was just wrong. I would be talking to Katie and some chick would be calling a dozen times leaving hate messages. I never answered, but even the phone on vibe was getting old. I was dead set on getting Katie to trust me and winning her heart but something was always going wrong. She would find something or some dumb ass friend would call her the wrong name or some shit.

Another thing is that I had a weed habit that she didn’t like. I was smoking everyday-all day. To the point were sometimes I couldn’t remember her name. And that was fucked up because I really liked her, but there were a lot of other things I couldn’t recall fast enough. At work I would be talking to a client and forget the first half of the sentence I was in. Just have a complete brain fart and I would say that I had another call and would call right back. It wasn’t even fun anymore, I was probably spending a third of my day trying to remember things, so I had to clean up that shit too.

I believe everything is possible, but the day I met Katie it was no love at first site. I thought she looked good and I wanted to get with her. So I made a mental note: “work on the brunette from the gym.” That was about it.

At the time I was all about having sex with as many girls as possible. Feelings towards someone else were something I hadn’t been experiencing for a while and honestly it was just what I needed to do at that time.

I think the first time I talked to Katie I asked her if I had talked to her before. I’m sure she thought it was my way of breaking the ice, but really… I was confusing her with another girl I had met at the gym. I wised up though. I quickly dropped the subject and got to knowing her a little better.

One of the things that I always liked about her was that I couldn’t read her mind all the way. Up to this day I can’t. She has this blank stare that she disguises with a smile and it just throws me off. Nobody should ever do that. A girl should either give me a blank stare meaning “what the fuck do you want” or smile and let me know it’s OK to talk to her. The blank stare is similar to Tim Duncan’s, you know, the basketball player… It’s probably not a good comparison ‘cause he’s a guy but that’s the only other person I’ve seen with that same look.

Why is it that we disrespect those who are different from us in order to make ourselves feel better? Is it something we learn to do as kids or are we born with it?

From the day we are born we are looking for a way to divide ourselves: boys from girls, the fat ones from the “normal”, pick a religion, identify yourself with a racial group, know the nationality you were born with, etc.

It seems the more we try to learn about ourselves, the more we divide ourselves. We forget that we are all the same. We all come and go when it is our time.

Hate never felt as good as Love, because when we love our eyes are set on the big picture and we are moving forward.

I just finished watching “The Passion of The Christ”. Personally, I’m not ready to believe that a person that looks just like me is above me. I like to believe that we are all the same. And Jesus is the son of God just as much as I am. It is very possible he once lived on this Earth and that he was a great man. But nothing I or anyone else can’t also accomplish. As long as we believe.

I’m tired of this shit. It doesn’t matter what I try it’s another failed attempt. It’s like I’m always trying to get something going, trying to be really successful and get rich, have the fame, everything and whatever and nothing really works for me. Meanwhile, I see other people just doing whattever: go to school, get a job, retire. And with all these they get to have fun in between. I don’t know if what I’m doing is just plain stupid. I’ve spent so many nights, countless hours of my life developing skills that have not paid off so far. I’ve never had a fucking birthday party, I haven’t celebrated Christmas since I was a kid and the New Year always starts in front of my computer in the middle of another great idea…

Whenever I do something like going to a club or spending time with friends, I end up feeling like I wasted my time. Like I could have been learning something or come up with the greatest idea. Not to mention that I also feel like I wasted my money. I feel like I just use people for what I need. And who knows, maybe that’s what we are all doing, but I know that every time I talk to someone is not for the hell of it. If I’m talking to someone then I have a goal. Here’s a life secret: I keep tabs on everyone. I know how much most of the girls I fucked cost me before I fucked them. And I get my money back from my buddies one way or another. Most of the time I’m thinking about money first.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I don’t want to be what I am right now, but I also don’t want to be what others are. I think that’s what it is. There is no other way for me to look, but get what I really want. And that’s just everything that symbolizes success: money and recognition for my work.

I see Katie’s pictures on Myspace and I feel so many different things. It’s like I’m happy for her, but I’m also sad about it. I hope she never reads this, but I still love her. Sometimes I wish I could just forget about her. The way I think she’s moved on, but I really don’t want to. I see the good in her and it’s much bigger than the bad things. In relationships, I’ve parted ways before and I was OK with it. I never wanted a girl back like this. I know I need to forget about her, but how? I’ve done the usual, fuck some chick and you’re done right? Shit I’ve tried to get back into dating, but I’m not into it right now. I don’t like how much she affects me without even wanting to. She’s not good for me. I need her out of my life completely because she’ll never be what I need.

She called me a few weeks back and tells me she was wondering how I was doing, that we should get together some time soon. She tells me she’s going to see her brother in Kentucky but never mentioned she was going to Texas. Now there’s some comment from a guy in Texas asking her how was the rest of her trip, WHAT THE FUCK!! I don’t need this shit. I don’t want anyone fucking with my mind. I don’t know if I’m being punished for all the wrong things I’ve done before, but I think I’ve had enough.

I can’t wish I would have never fell in love with her because it was a wonderful feeling, but now I just need to get out. It’s pathetic. I have no control of myself and I hate it. I’m hating everything about this and still I can’t hate her. I’m writing this shit and I’m still thinking about surprising her with something for Valentine’s Day, and we broke up something like six months ago. Like I said, pathetic. This shit never happened to me before. I need out. This is some fucked up shit.