I just saw a picture of an ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend and it made my heart beat faster. There is only one person that does this to me. Why? I was never ready to let her go I suppose. But she’s no longer mine and I need to find the way to let it go.

I don’t have a clear idea of why this is happening either. I haven’t thought about her in a long time. I thought I was over her actually. I know it sounds ridiculous to now know what I’m feeling, but sometimes I do things and I’m not sure why.

How have you been? I hope you are living your life the way you want to live it and that it makes you happy. You should know that I never stopped caring for you. You always inspire my curiosity and my heart still beats faster when I think of you. I wished a million times that we could be together, but I am not going to feel sorry for myself any longer. I am not going to beg you to be my side. I respect your decision. I am not giving up on you, I am simply understanding that you were never mine.

The world is filled with beautiful women just like you, but finding one who’s just as beautiful in the inside and willing to share her time with me will not be easy. I am leaving my dear… but I will be back. If you find the man of your life while I’m gone then I only wish two things: 1) that he makes you happy; and 2) that I am one day able to overcome the pain the news will bring to my heart.

I’m not saying you do, but if you do, please don’t worry about me. Live your life the way you want to live it. I know of no guarantees in this world except that life has a beginning and an end. Only time separates one from the other, and this time is taken from us the same way it is given: in a heartbeat.

I had made the decision to share the time left before my end with you, but the sentiment was not mutual and now my heartbeat only dances to the blues until the day I meet someone like you.

I leave you alone. I will not address this letter to you because of my pride and the respect I have for you, but if you read this letter and it makes you feel something, be smart and reconsider your decision. When will I be ready to afford the kind of life I want to give? I don’t know, but it would be good to make my hearbeat dance to the rhythm of the tango.

Above all, always follow the wisper in your heart.

My report: It’s not the typical movie. I think most people will find it strange and boring. It takes place in the 1940’s and it moves slowly. At points, the characters even sing. I watched it all, but I wasn’t really into it. I kept waiting for the woman acting as the whore to get naked, but it never happened. I didn’t appreciate the art…

Rating:

About it: Legendary Mexican director Arturo Ripstein explores the mundane and sexual obsession in 1940s Mexico in his 2002 film The Virgin of Lust. Introverted Ignacio “Nacho” Jurado (Luis Felipe Tovar) spends his days waiting tables at the Cafe Ofelia and his nights amongst his voluminous porno collection. His world is turned upside-down when a prostitute named Lola (Ariadne Gil) begins hanging out at the cafe. Nacho is immediately smitten with the whore, but Lola’s mind is focused on a very brutish wrestler who’ll have nothing to do with her. Lola, a natural sadist, recognizes Nacho’s penchant for being dominated and she begins to fully exploit this chance to unleash her cruelty on a willing recipient. As the relationship settles into its regular perverseness, Nacho is presented with what he sees as an opportunity to capture Lola’s heart completely — to become a macho revolutionary hero by assassinating Francisco Franco. The Virgin of Lust was chosen for inclusion into the Upstream program at the 2002 Montreal World Film Festival, winning a Special Mention prize from that program’s jury. ~ Ryan Shriver, All Movie Guide

What I like: she’s from a different culture, her eyes because they are not the usual and they contrast nicely with her hair, the smile, she speaks Tulu, Hindi, English, Marathi and Tamil. For what I can tell, the rest of her body is just as beautiful as her face.

What I don’t like: she’s married.

I can’t picture her being dumb. I think she is one of those women that is beautiful and intellectual. I also think of her as having a good relationship with her husband, as in they both take care of each other. If that’s really the case then I’m happy for her.

See, that’s all I need, a beautiful woman in the inside and outside that is there for me no matter what, good times and bad times. A woman who wants to do things with me and for me not because I asked her, but because she loves me. I’d give her the same love and attention back.

There are way too many beautiful women in this world. Finding one that fits just right in my mind and heart is the hard part.

Oh Pussy… Sweet Pussy

You are God’s greatest gift to mankind

Without you there would be no life

There would be no I

And this is why

Today and everyday

In you I put my faith

That you will do what seems like the impossible

Bless me with offspring, it will be a miracle

Only you can do the things you do

Make me feel so good

I even have to pleasure you

If I had one day to live

You best believe I will be spending it with you

Oh Pussy… Sweet Pussy

Don’t ever leave me

I’m not a man to kill myself

But If you were to leave this world

There would be no reason for me to live

I Love You from the bottom of my heart Sweet Pussy

Sincerely

After that first date I felt like I needed to clean up my act. The same way when a girl is coming to a guy’s house we start cleaning up, but just bigger. I had too much dirt on me. I didn’t even feel like I could kiss her until I got rid of everything else. I stopped talking to the girls I had in the works and I kept doing what I was already doing with the ones I had already gone through: ignore.

But still, the whole shit was just wrong. I would be talking to Katie and some chick would be calling a dozen times leaving hate messages. I never answered, but even the phone on vibe was getting old. I was dead set on getting Katie to trust me and winning her heart but something was always going wrong. She would find something or some dumb ass friend would call her the wrong name or some shit.

Another thing is that I had a weed habit that she didn’t like. I was smoking everyday-all day. To the point were sometimes I couldn’t remember her name. And that was fucked up because I really liked her, but there were a lot of other things I couldn’t recall fast enough. At work I would be talking to a client and forget the first half of the sentence I was in. Just have a complete brain fart and I would say that I had another call and would call right back. It wasn’t even fun anymore, I was probably spending a third of my day trying to remember things, so I had to clean up that shit too.

I asked her a couple of times to go out with me and she kept saying “no”. I usually ask just once, but for some reason I swallowed my pride. She finally agreed the third time. She told me later on that the reason why she said “no” the first two times is because of the places I wanted to take her. One time was this club called Zelda’s that it’s pretty ghetto, but they have good music and we just happened to be talking about clubs with good music so I tried to sneak in an invitation to go out with me. I think the second time was at another club, which was not ghetto, but still I could have done better. I don’t know what I was thinking. The third time I did it right though. I said I would pick her up, take her to a nice restaurant and a movie after that.

So I went to pick her up, but I never came out of the car. I did not want to meet her father or mother. I had gone out with some girl the week before and she had me meet her family. I felt like I was going to a prom or something. It was really uncomfortable and I didn’t feel like repeating that. So I just called her when I was in front of her house and told her I was out waiting. I know it’s not romantic, but it gets better. Like always, she was dressed to kill. She really knows how to work the looks.

On our way to the restaurant there was this noise coming from her side of the car. I could tell it was coming from the seatbelt hitting on the door and it was irritating the hell out of me so I reached over her to get rid of the noise. She thought I was weird for trying to get close to her that way… conceited.

I don’t know how it happened, but while we were talking over dinner that night, something about her started opening up my feelings. All of a sudden I was nervous and couldn’t eat, my mouth was dry and my heart was beating fast. I won’t even lie, I wanted to get up and run away as fast as I could. I realized the effect she was having on me and it was because she had too many good qualities. Too many of the things I want in a woman, but it was too early for me to find someone like that. I needed to have an excuse to be able to fuck and forget. That excuse never came, and I would have been stupid to not allow whatever was going to happen, to happen.

One of my classes this semester is called Inter-cultural Communications and it’s basically about having a better understanding about other cultures and to be open minded.

One of my first experiences here in the U.S. was at the grocery store. I remember I was paying for my items at the cash register when the bagger looked at me and said: “Paper or Plastic.” Today, I know exactly what someone means when they use that phrase, but back then I had no idea. I was trying hard to fit in, I didn’t want to be a stranger, so I gave him one of the most common answers people use when they don’t understand something in a different language: “Yes.” He laughed. He just thought it was funny, and it was, but to me it hurt me quite a bit. Just because I was trying to fit in and I obviously didn’t accomplish that.

It wasn’t until I got home that Tracy explained to me what he actually meant. You see, in Panama there are no options between paper and plastic, at least that I know of. There is either paper or plastic. The bagger could have been a little nicer, be open to the possibility that maybe I didn’t hear right or I don’t know what he’s talking about and explain the difference. But looking back at it now it seems stupid that I didn’t just ask the bagger what he meant. But that was then and this is now.

I’ve actually come long ways from what I used to be. I used to be that shy kid afraid to look at people in their eyes. My heart would sometimes start beating really fast when I approached people. What I am today is a result of determination and practice. That’s all it takes. I will always have a lot to learn, but I know I can make it happen as long as I want it.

P.S.: I’m not full of myself, I’m just trying to make a point.

Just got home from work. I’m about to take a quick shower and I’m off to college. It was a pretty eventful day at work today. I’ll have more to say later.

I want Katie to get something from me from Valentine’s but I have no time to get something right now. I really don’t have to, I know, but I want to. I’m probably just a sucker for it, but I should do what my heart tells me to do. I’ve got a few hours while I’m at school to get ingenious and I’ll drop it at her place tomorrow. It’s not going to be anything expensive or big. Just something that says that I think about her. I’m not going to give it to her personally either. I’ll just leave it somewhere where she can see it.

About what I wrote on 2/5, I just found out Katie went to Texas and Kentucky with her mom and that guy is a blues singer who probably just wants her. But I’m still not good with the way I feel. I think it’s because I’m helpless. The ball is on her side of the court and even when I make things work out my way I don’t like it cause it has to come from her without me interfering. I know I make sense, but hopefully I’m writing it right.

I’ve known her for years now and just looking at her picture still makes my heart beat faster… Still when it comes to what I want to accomplish in my life I have to do it my way. She’d be happy with a steady guy with a regular job and good income. But I’m looking for a lot more than that. And I need someone that is willing to stand by my side with that. It’s all going to happen, trust me on that. I guess I’m like a George Bush when it comes to my ways: you are either with me, or against me.

I’m full of these ideas in my head. I need them to come out and do something. It’s like, everyday that just passes by, I just know there’s less time for me to get this done. I’m going to keep on trying everyday though, no question about it. it’s just a matter of time, i guess, till the day that i can sit down, look back and finally be able to say my children can live with at least no financial worries. And for me it will just be the blessing of being able to do something with these thoughts, ideas, that come through my mind every second of the day even when I’m asleep.

It’s almost impossible to write everything down, I feel like I would just be a writer then. I keep researching people that got something going on and i feel like I can really be good a whatever it is they do if my heart was into it.

Now more than ever I feel the pressure to make something happen. Since I started getting into music production a couple of weeks ago, I don’t feel like I have abandoned computer programming. I feel like I’ve added to my skills by jumping into a different field and I can be really good at it.
The way I see music production so far, it is half technical and half emotional. It is important to know what people like and what makes them move to your beat, but eventually it will be my heart that tells me whether something is really good or I should keep working on it.

I’ve started by breaking down songs and studying every aspect of it. And I mean everything. I get songs from the biggest producers and I study their nature. All of a sudden I start noticing how similar many of the songs are. A few things change, of course, but the concept remains the same.

There’s still a lot to be learned. But I don’t want to spend so much time learning without being practical. I can still learn a lot while putting things into practice, so it won’t be a lost.

My dream would be to be able to work with some of the biggest producers, like an apprentice/partner. See how they do things, maybe I can teach them something about how I started doing things, and we make great music.