I feel like people still don´t know who I am and what I want to do with my life. It´s that little boost I need from just one good product. It could be a music track, a successful restaurant, whatever. I need to catch that wave and ride it for as long and as hard as possible. People need to see in order to believe, and I need them to believe in order to feel good. Because without people who believe I can´t sell and get rich, or create art and be famous. Pretty simple I think.

I need to put myself in the front line though. Start making good music, open the damn business even if it costs me a lot of money and time. It´s the only way anything is ever going to happen.

In a few days I´ll be 28. I still feel the same about myself so that´s good. One day maybe I´ll feel like most grownups: give up my dreams and be “responsible.” Find a job and all that shit. For now I just want to keep doing what I feel like doing, which I don´t think it´s a bad thing at all.

I’ve never felt more dead than when I was a subordinate to my parents or employers. I don’t think it’s right that I felt that way with my parents, but that’s what happened. As long as I live, I know I will be living the life I want to live or fighting to live that life.

I don’t think it’s right that people die without ever experiencing another culture or spending more than half their lives working just to meet their needs. But it’s also natural that people do these things because we’re afraid of the unknown. Having a job and knowing what to expect every day is a lot more easy than having a business and having to take big risks.

The risks entrepreneurs take are a hit or miss. You either make it or you don’t, and when there is a lot invested it could frighten anyone. Only does that truly believe in themselves will eventually succeed.

Last week I had a group presentation in my Management class and I felt like I did a really bad job because I wasn’t prepared for what I was saying. At the beginning I babbled a bit and I didn’t spend a lot of time talking like I wanted to.

Yesterday I got the comments from the professor and the rest of the students on how the group did and to my surprise people had mostly good things to say about my presentation. They said I had a good and clear voice, the I have presence, that the way I presented the topic was easy for them to understand and I make for a good conversational style/no memorization speaker. A couple of students said I didn’t move away from the podium and I used “ums” a lot.

No doubt the comments made me feel good. While I’m only thinking about the things I could be doing better, people are looking at all the other things that made my presentation look good. Still, the lesson to prepare myself was well taken and now is engraved in the back of my brain.

I was thinking about the reason why people get married and it really seems to me that marriage comes out of necessity. The problem is not that marriage comes out of a necessity, but which necessity. Everything we do is basically attached to a necessity: we go to restaurants so we can eat and satisfy our hunger because we feel the need to stay alive, we buy $150 pair of jeans because we feel the need to look trendy and part of a group. That’s just how life is, without needs there wouldn’t be one. People get married out of the need to feel safe, or have kids, or do what the rest of the world seems to be doing around the same age. All of these are wrong reasons to get married.

I’ll give you an example from a guy’s perspective. Let’s just say a guy (we’ll call him Leonardo) is young and no desire to start a family anytime soon, has money, is good looking and gets girls with ease. Why would he want to get married if he feels he’s got everything he needs? It doesn’t make any sense right? Well I’ve heard many young girls in their twenties with a job, that looked good and had no plans to start a family that they just “want to have fun” and tell their boyfriends they need their “personal space.” It’s just how things work.

My brother Alex asked me today why I thought people who don’t go to college usually get married long before those who do, and my answer was out of necessity. I’ve heard of girls who get married because they don’t want to work, or study. They feel they love their boyfriend and their desire is to stay home and raise children. The problem is when we don’t consider our options. We blind ourselves thinking that what is infront of us is all we are ever going to want in life. A few years later we might feel very different about the situation. Maybe by then is a little too late to go back to how things used to be. It happens all the time.

I think celebrities have a high tendency to divorce because they feel self sufficient. If a man and a woman who are married have their own money, life apart from their marriage, means to make more money and look good enough to find another husband or wife, then what’s keeping them from getting divorced? They got married in the first place because they felt they were in love with each other. The minute they stopped feeling that way and if there are no kids in between then there’s nothing making them work things out.

It’s probably better to marry someone you know is going to be a good mother or father than to marry someone you think will be a good wife or husband. Ideally you want to have both, but as I’m looking at things right now, I think parenthood is more important and hopefully in measuring my future wife’s parenting skills I won’t be blinded by love. Not that I want to get married anytime soon. I’m a young man who’s good looking and I feel I can get any woman I want. I’m still working on the money part.

My report: how can you go wrong with this movie? Its got action, based on a true story, some women to look at… a well done movie. It seems like these guys never got breaks from cops and death. I doesn’t seem like the lows are really worth the highs.

Rating:

About it: Martin Scorsese explores the life of organized crime with his gritty, kinetic adaptation of Nicolas Pileggi’s best-selling Wiseguy, the true-life account of mobster and FBI informant Henry Hill. Set to a true-to-period rock soundtrack, the story details the rise and fall of Hill, a half-Irish, half-Sicilian New York kid who grows up idolizing the “wise guys” in his impoverished Brooklyn neighborhood. He begins hanging around the mobsters, running errands and doing odd jobs until he gains the notice of local chieftain Paulie Cicero (Paul Sorvino), who takes him in as a surrogate son. As he reaches his teens, Hill (Ray Liotta) is inducted into the world of petty crime, where he distinguishes himself as a “stand-up guy” by choosing jail time over ratting on his accomplices. From that moment on, he is a part of the family. Along with his psychotic partner Tommy (Joe Pesci), he rises through the ranks to become Paulie’s lieutenant; however, he quickly learns that, like his mentor Jimmy (Robert DeNiro), his ethnicity prevents him from ever becoming a “made guy,” an actual member of the crime family. Soon he finds himself the target of both the feds and the mobsters, who feel that he has become a threat to their security with his reckless dealings. Goodfellas was rewarded with six Academy Award nominations including Best Picture; Pesci would walk away with Best Supporting Actor for his work. ~ Jeremy Beday, All Movie Guide

My report: I can’t imagine how it must feel for a soldier to return home after risking his/her life fighting and not receive a warm welcome or any type of appreciation. I don’t know if I could ever do that. I’m just not good at doing things for the sole purpose of someone elses’ benefit or sacrificing my life for a little money. I respect those who do it and I wish them well. This was a good and entertaining movie. You do end up wondering what happens to everyone at the end of the movie. I guess there is a second part.

Rating:

About it: A 23-year-old Peruvian Navy veteran struggles to re-integrate himself into society only to hit a series of roadblocks both societal and psychological, in the feature directorial debut from Peruvian filmmaker Josue Mendez. Santiago Roman (Pietro Sibille) has just returned to Peru following six years of military service. Coolly received by his parents and unable to find a stable, well-paying job, the dejected Santiago’s attempt to further his education is quickly squelched when he discovers that his military pension doesn’t offer the money needed to pay his way through school. Though Santiago eventually lands a low-paying job as an inner-city taxi driver, his disdain for the scum of the city finds the formerly virile young soldier sinking into a deep-rooted depression. When a group of Santiago’s former military buddies hatch a plan to rob a local bank, the conflicted veteran must choose between an honest life of poverty and an act of desperation that could end in tragedy. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide

My report: who would have thought Rambo could still be good? The blood scenes were original. I’ve never seen bloodshed like the ones I saw in this movie. Silverster Stalone didn’t try to play a young guy who could still do it all, that was the best part. Rambo was the same GI he’s always been, but wiser and not exactly looking for confrontation. I remember a scene from the old movies were Rambo heals a battle wound by sticking a heated knife inside of him… I didn’t see anything like that on this one and that’s a good thing. No love scenes either, it was all about the the interruption of the legendary Rambo trying to live a peaceful life on his own means. Nice.

Rating:

About it: When a group of missionary aid workers in Myanmar disappear into the vast green inferno, vigilante Vietnam War veteran John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) leaves his job as a Salween River boatman behind to accompany a group of mercenaries on a daring rescue mission. It’s been 20 years since Rambo helped mujahedeen rebels fend off Soviet invaders in Afghanistan, and these days the former soldier lives a simple life in northern Thailand. Meanwhile, the world’s longest-running civil war rages into its 60th year on the nearby Thai-Burma border. One day, human rights missionaries Sarah Miller (Julie Benz) and Michael Burnett (Paul Schulze) show up asking Rambo to guide them up the Salween so they can get some much-needed food and medical supplies to the desperate Karen tribe. According to Sarah and Michael, the Burmese military has planted land mines all along the roads leading into the tribe’s village, making it virtually impossible to reach the tribe via land. Two weeks after Rambo drops the group off in dangerous territory, pastor Arthur Marsh (Ken Howard) arrives with a chilling message: the aid workers never returned from their mission into the jungle, and the embassies refuse to help Marsh and his fellow missionaries find their missing friends. Now, despite the fact that Rambo has long since sworn off all forms of violence, the knowledge that innocent missionaries are being used as pawns in a brutal war leaves him with no other choice than to venture behind enemy lines on his most dangerous mission to date. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide

I talked to a Muslim girl today at the library and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Not just because she was Muslim, but because she’s also a very beautiful woman. I’ve seen her many times before. She’s always at the library studying and I’ve wanted to talk to her many times before, but she feels…. I guess untouchable is the right word. With that veil that covers her hair, which I know now is called a hijab, always dressed to cover and nothing shows except for her face and hands, but today I just said “fuck it, I’ll talk to her just like I would do with anyone else and if she doesn’t want to she’ll let me know.” So I did, and as I approached her I could see details about her beauty I could never see before because I always looked at her from a distance. I liked her eyes and her face looked smooth; she also has a beautiful smile. I broke the ice by asking her what her major was, she looked at me and I disarmed her with a smile, she smiled back and told me she studies Political Science. I detected an accent, and I liked it. I could tell she was busy so I didn’t want to take much of her time. My job was to brake the ice and get her to notice me, the mission was accomplished so after talking to her a bit longer I said goodbye. I also learned that she’s not a student at SDSU, and she’s only comes to study. I didn’t ask her why. It can make for conversation some other time, but I don’t really care about for the answer that much.

I like knowing about the unknown. I want to know more about her and even though it was just a few seconds of conversation, it was enough for me to decide if she would be interesting. I can look at a girl and just based on the way she carries herself, the way she’s dressed and her friends, I can tell what she’s probably like and most of the time I’m right. I’m not the only one that does this, we all do. I know so little about Muslims that it makes this girl that much interesting, even though I’m already attracted just by looking at her.

Hopefully I’ll get to know her better. We’ll see…

My report: Diddy can’t act that good, but I can tell he tried hard and I’m sure he’ll get better at it. It made me wonder how I would approach an acting career if I was already famous in another industry. Probably take very small roles so I can get used to it and grow from there… I wish the movie would have been more about succeeding in a business and becoming a doctor rather than just getting a house. I would have extended the story to include those successes and change the buying of the house to just a big defeat. Then the movie would have been about been knocked down and getting up again, and not becoming a raisin in the sun.

Rating:

About it: Sean Combs, Phylicia Rashad, Audra McDonald, Sanaa Lathan, and John Stamos all return to reprise the roles they originally played on Broadway in this made for television take on Lorraine Hansbury’s timeless play about a 1950s-era Chicago family longing for a better life. Walter Lee has died, and now his widow Lena Younger (Rashad) is about to receive a $10,000 check from her late-husband’s insurance company. Everyone in the family dreams about the ways their lives will be changed with the arrival of the money, family matriarch Lena - who longs to retire from her job as a domestic servant for a wealthy white family - in particular. Having lived in a one room tenement apartment ever since she and her late husband originally married, Lena is eager to purchase a house of her own and provide her family with a real home. Lena’s son Walter Lee, Jr. (Combs), currently employed as a chauffer, and has recently become taken with the idea of purchasing a liquor store as a means of solving his family’s financial woes. Like her mother-in-law, Walter’s wife Ruth (McDonald) is also a domestic servant for a white family, and dreams of the day she can walk away from her job. While Walter’s sister Beneatha (Lathan) strives to become a medical professional, tuition is expensive and she is currently being pursued by two men - wealthy but superficial George Murchison (Sean Patrick Thomas) and intellectual classmate Joseph Asagai (David Oyelowo). Much to everyone’s surprise, Lena uses the lion’s share of the money to purchase a home in the all-white residential neighborhood of Cllaybourne, splitting the remainder between Walter (for his entrepreneurial endeavor) and Beneatha (for tuition). Around the same time Walter loses his share of the inheritance to a smooth talking con man who claimed he could help finance the liquor store, the Claybourne “home improvement” association makes the discovery that the Youngers are black and sends emissary Mr. Lindner (John Stamos) to try prevent their neighborhood from becoming integrated by buying the house back. Now faced with the prospect of losing it all, Walter considers making a deal with Mr. Lindner in order to recover his losses. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide

I got all of my grades back for the spring semester. I’m happy about most of them, but of course there’s one that bums me out. Here’s what I got

It’s good enough to increase my GPA and keep it at the level it needs to be to get in the International Business major so I’m not going to sweat it that much. Hopefully I won’t have to see another accounting class again in my life. The way I feel about accounting is that it’s important to know so I’m not blindfolded, but knowing all the details is not that important if I’m not planning on being an accountant. As a business manager I will hire the accountant to do the bookkeeping. My job is to oversee operations and make the business as profitable as it can be.

Tomorrow is the last day to register classes for the Summer. I need to take two classes and then I have one more semester here at SDSU before I move to Mexico to finish the major.

My report: I liked the story. I wonder if anything like that has ever really happened… I think the entire cast did a great job and I was entertained from beginning to end. It wasn’t the first time I watched this movie and usually I don’t watch movies twice ’cause I find them too boring. This is not one of them.

Rating:

About it: Jonathan Demme directed this updated remake of John Frankenheimer’s 1962 cult favorite The Manchurian Candidate, a pioneering examination of political conspiracy and psychological reconditioning. Major Bennett Marco (Denzel Washington) and Sergeant Raymond Shaw (Liev Schreiber) are two soldiers who served in the same company during Operation Desert Storm, but their paths following their tours of duty have been very different. Shaw, the son of powerful congresswoman Eleanor Shaw (Meryl Streep), has used his reputation as a war hero to quickly scale the ladder of American politics, and with the help of his mother earns the Vice Presidential nomination. Marco, on the other hand, has been troubled with mental illness, and is convinced that something strange happened to him and his compatriots during the war. As Marco struggles to find the truth behind his nightmares and emotional torment, he unearths some disturbing facts about how his mind and body have been reworked by shadowy forces, as well as those of his fellow soldiers — including Raymond Shaw. Featuring a stellar supporting cast (including Jon Voight, Miguel Ferrer, Ted Levine, and Dean Stockwell), The Manchurian Candidate credits George Axelrod’s screenplay for the 1962 film as its source, as opposed to Richard Condon’s 1959 novel from which Axelrod adapted his script. ~ Mark Deming, All Movie Guide

Anybody wanting to be somebody will find the need to take a stance. I’m talking about firmly believing in something. Whether that believe is good or wrong is up to subjective interpretation that translates into the potential outcome of that particular stance. Sometimes we pay with our lives and other times we get the glory it deserves. You will never lead, nor will anybody ever follow your lead if you don’t first believe in yourself. People just don’t like to lean on rotten trees.

Now, as a leader, if we want to make good decisions there are three steps we need to follow:

1. Know the problem: I know it sounds stupid, but many times we make wrong decisions because we don’t understand the problem.
2. Know the ins and outs: we don’t always have the luxury of having the time to figure out the causes to all effects, that’s why practice makes perfection and experience is wisdom.
3. Make up your mind: and more importantly, stick to it. Don’t ever change your mind while you’re making your stance. You shouldn’t if you did a good job on step 2. Also, never doubt yourself while you’re fighting your case. Again, you shouldn’t if you did a good job on step 2. If you forgot to take something into consideration while you were on step 2, then wait until you’re by yourself and then start doubting, change your mind if you have to then make sure you state why; and be prepared to lose credibility as a leader. It’s that whole thing about the rotten tree again. Nobody said leading was easy.

One of the reasons why we live unhappily is because we are not willing to make the right decisions. All three steps necessary to make good decisions don’t take into consideration something that to all of us is very important: emotions. The more we can separate ourselves from our emotions the better our decisions can be. Too many of us have been unable to get out of bad relationships simply because we let our hearts take over. Emotions are such a strong part of our lives that just about everybody is using them to influence the decisions of others.

Stand tall and strong like a tree when you believe in something and don’t let anybody change your mind when you believe it’s good.

What I like: I like her eyes, they’re different colors each. I bet that scared someone at least once in her life. She’s got a fine little body and she was born in a different country. I like girls born in countries different from the one I’m living. In my mind it just makes them more exciting. I like her legs too and the tits are fine. Hope she done get a job on them.

What I don’t like: not much ass on her. Also some more curve on the hips would be nice. Having said that, I wouldn’t mind her just the way she is.

She’s the girl from “That 70’s Show.”

Immigration has always been an important factor in the functioning of the American economy. With the advent of highly competitive industries, new technologies and globalization, businesses thrive to find the right candidates to meet their needs. We all know that the number one goal of a business is to make a profit and while many businesses try hard to operate within the moral standards set by societies, others will do whatever it takes to meet that number one goal. Yes, this does include the price of labor and yes I am talking about illegal immigration. One of those hot topics that continues to widen the divisions amongst American politicians.

The editorial board for the USA Today newspaper published an article that rejects current American policies on immigration laws while congresswoman Sue Myrick published an article in the House of Representative editorial in favor of strict immigration laws. The purpose of this article is to rhetorically analyze both arguments in favor of logical, emotional and ethical appeals.

The USA today focused their argument on pathos, the “simple humanity” aspect. Their main argument in pro of illegal immigrants is that while they are here illegally, most do not brake the law and are only looking for a better chance at living. They state that state laws on immigration show no mercy on “immigrants with steady jobs, deep community roots, a history of paying taxes and children who are citizens.”

Most of the logos used by the USA Today editorial board is mainly to fuel the emotional appeal they are trying to build on the reader. For example, they state that 25,000 illegal immigrants have left the state of Oklahoma after the implementation of stronger laws in the state against immigration and end with the statement that families are being “uprooted, and parents are separated from their kids” because of these new laws. They further use logos to communicate that according to a study, Oklahoma’s new laws could end up costing the state’s economy about a billion dollars. The source for such study was not given.

The overall tone is one of compassion. However, little credibility is established. As a national newspaper, the article is targeted to all Americans. The conclusion offers “President Bush’s immigration bill” as an abandoned yet best solution for current immigration problems, this was one last attempt to appeal to the reader’s emotions.

The first positive aspect any reader might find on Sue Myrick’s argument is in ethos, her personal credibility. As a congresswoman, the reader expects her to know what she is about to argue. As a representative of the state of North Carolina, she makes sure to establish full credibility on the subject of immigration through ethos by stating “North Carolina has the 8th largest illegal alien population in the country.”

Mrs. Myrick wastes no time in appealing through logos, the basis of her argument. In making a strong argument, she provides the source of her statistics, a report titled “Dropping Out: Immigrant Entry and Native Exit From the Labor Market, 2000-2005” and written by Steven Camarota, of the Center for Immigration Studies. Her statistics include numbers that support her argument such as the low composition of immigrants in the 473 major occupations in America and the high percentage of illegal immigrants with no more than a high school education.

Mrs. Myrick tone is defensive and unapologetic. Her audience is first and foremost the non-immigrant citizens who reside in the state of North Carolina. This is a clear because she always returns to statistics involving the state and, of course, the title of her article. After stating her argument through the use of statistics, she goes back to pathos by providing solutions that she believes will benefit her audience: “American workers would find jobs, and obtain wages that would help them get off government programs. Businesses would create new technology that would lower costs, and could actually help our economy expand further.”

In the subject of 12 million illegal immigrants living in America and the effects this causes on the rest of the population, judging strictly on a rhetorical analysis, congresswoman Sue Myrick makes a much stronger argument than the editorial board of USA Today. However, as an immigrant I can’t help but add my two cents to the debate. Yes, illegal immigrants must be punished, but before we try to round up and deport the 12 million illegal immigrants that are now part of the force the keeps the American economy moving, let us study the full outcome of those actions and other possible solutions. In my logic, illegal workers would not try to call attention on themselves by taking jobs away from people who rightfully deserve them and might get them deported. They are not drinking from our glass of milk, they are collecting the cookie crumbs that fall from the table. Congresswoman Sue Myrick said it best:”immigrants (legal and illegal) compose the majority of workers in just four out of 473 major occupations in America.” It seems to me we have enough time to come up with a plan that will put an end to the problem of illegal immigration once and for all.

Illegal Aliens Are Hurting North Carolina

Our view on illegal immigrants: New immigration laws expose downside of getting tough

My report: I’ve had this movie laying around for years now and I finally got to watching it. It was one of those movies that didn’t spark my imagination. Except for the part about breeding horses, I’d like to get into that when I’m rich. As soon as I started watching the movie I knew exactly how it was going to end. It’s supposed to be based on a true story so that’s a plus.

Rating:

About it: Actor Viggo Mortensen made his first starring appearance in a film after his breakthrough performance in the Lord of the Rings trilogy with this period adventure. Frank T. Hopkins (Mortensen) is a U.S. Cavalry officer who earned a reputation as one of the fastest and most daring riders in the West; however, after taking part in the bloody massacre at Wounded Knee, Hopkins becomes disenchanted with the Cavalry, and once his hitch is up, he takes a job as a rider with a seedy touring Wild West show. During an engagement in New York, Hopkins meets Aziz (Adam Alexi-Malle), an associate of wealthy Bedouin Sheikh Riyadh (Omar Sharif), who knows of Hopkins’ talents and wants him to take part in “The Ocean of Fire,” an annual 3,000-mile desert horse race running from Arabia to Iraq. Hopkins accepts the invitation and sails to the Middle East with his trusty mustang Hidalgo without knowing just what he’s getting himself into. Once he arrives, Hopkins learns that the punishing race course claims the lives of nearly half its contestants, and that most of his competitors ride pure-bred Arabian stallions and do not regard Hidalgo and his master as worthy adversaries. Temporarily exiled to a land where freedom eludes the multitudes and class and wealth define one’s fate, Hopkins finds himself riding for both honor and principle, with the support of Riyadh and his beautiful, headstrong daughter, Jazira (Zuleikha Robinson), though the Sheikh’s nephew Katib (Silas Carson) is equally determined to see Hopkins go down in defeat. Hidalgo was directed by Joe Johnston, who previously worked with animals on the run in Jumanji and Jurassic Park III. ~ Mark Deming, All Movie Guide

Frank Hopkins

When I was 22 years old, about a year after I immigrated to the U.S., I was living with Tracy in a two bedroom apartment in La Quinta and everything was going pretty well.

One night, we got a call around 1:00 a.m., Tracy answered the phone and she quickly went from being annoyed to a complete panic. “Please don’t take them, we’ll be right there” is all I heard. As soon as she hung up the phone she asked me to get dressed and drive her to her sister’s house because she was in no condition to drive. At the moment I didn’t know what it was, but I knew it was important to her so I got up, got dressed and drove her to her sister’s house. She explained to me while we were in the car.

Apparently, as the police explained it to Tracy, her sister, Jessica, had tried to commit suicide and was being rushed into the hospital. They called Tracy because Jessica has two sons and they needed to leave them in custody of a family member or they would go to a foster house.

I remember later that morning, maybe around 3:00 a.m., a government employee came over to our apartment to check on the boys and interview me and Tracy. In the afternoon I had to go to some government agency, have my fingerprints scanned and sign papers saying I was legally responsible for the well-being of the boys.

I never really stopped to think about how quickly my life had changed. About a year and a half ago I was in Panama living under my parents roof and had no responsibilities. Move forward to a year and a half later and now I had a job and bills to pay, I was living in my own place, with a woman, an 8 year old and a 10 year old. It wasn’t so much about me anymore. The decisions that I made could potentially affect three other people. And that’s important to remember when others depend on you.

It was decided by the court that Jessica was not stable enough at that time to take care of her sons, so the boys went on to live with me and Tracy for the next six months. Those six months brought me closer to the reality that many of us here in this world live on a daily basis. How hard it is to be a parent and to find the balance in everything that needs to be done.

It’s late… I spent all day between school and sitting in front of the computer trying to get the gallery on antoniobullen.com to work. I think I finally did. Until I find another bug.

Tomorrow I have a breakfast at 9:00 for a 100% score from a secret shop at work. I also get $100. Not bad… Friday is the last day. I wish I could just focus entirely on my own thing but I know I’m going to have to find another job. I can’t put all the burden on my dad. He’s got his own bills to worry back in Panama.

I met with my counselor today about my International Business program. I want to switch from studying abroad in Mexico and Chile to just Mexico, but at the top university in Latin America. It can happen but I’ll have to spend another semester in the USA before I leave. I’m inclined to make the switch right now cause’ I’ll be saving myself a semester of studies. Meaning I’ll gradate faster. We’ll see what happens.

About what I wrote on 2/5, I just found out Katie went to Texas and Kentucky with her mom and that guy is a blues singer who probably just wants her. But I’m still not good with the way I feel. I think it’s because I’m helpless. The ball is on her side of the court and even when I make things work out my way I don’t like it cause it has to come from her without me interfering. I know I make sense, but hopefully I’m writing it right.

I’ve known her for years now and just looking at her picture still makes my heart beat faster… Still when it comes to what I want to accomplish in my life I have to do it my way. She’d be happy with a steady guy with a regular job and good income. But I’m looking for a lot more than that. And I need someone that is willing to stand by my side with that. It’s all going to happen, trust me on that. I guess I’m like a George Bush when it comes to my ways: you are either with me, or against me.

I’m tired of this shit. It doesn’t matter what I try it’s another failed attempt. It’s like I’m always trying to get something going, trying to be really successful and get rich, have the fame, everything and whatever and nothing really works for me. Meanwhile, I see other people just doing whattever: go to school, get a job, retire. And with all these they get to have fun in between. I don’t know if what I’m doing is just plain stupid. I’ve spent so many nights, countless hours of my life developing skills that have not paid off so far. I’ve never had a fucking birthday party, I haven’t celebrated Christmas since I was a kid and the New Year always starts in front of my computer in the middle of another great idea…

Whenever I do something like going to a club or spending time with friends, I end up feeling like I wasted my time. Like I could have been learning something or come up with the greatest idea. Not to mention that I also feel like I wasted my money. I feel like I just use people for what I need. And who knows, maybe that’s what we are all doing, but I know that every time I talk to someone is not for the hell of it. If I’m talking to someone then I have a goal. Here’s a life secret: I keep tabs on everyone. I know how much most of the girls I fucked cost me before I fucked them. And I get my money back from my buddies one way or another. Most of the time I’m thinking about money first.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I don’t want to be what I am right now, but I also don’t want to be what others are. I think that’s what it is. There is no other way for me to look, but get what I really want. And that’s just everything that symbolizes success: money and recognition for my work.

I see Katie’s pictures on Myspace and I feel so many different things. It’s like I’m happy for her, but I’m also sad about it. I hope she never reads this, but I still love her. Sometimes I wish I could just forget about her. The way I think she’s moved on, but I really don’t want to. I see the good in her and it’s much bigger than the bad things. In relationships, I’ve parted ways before and I was OK with it. I never wanted a girl back like this. I know I need to forget about her, but how? I’ve done the usual, fuck some chick and you’re done right? Shit I’ve tried to get back into dating, but I’m not into it right now. I don’t like how much she affects me without even wanting to. She’s not good for me. I need her out of my life completely because she’ll never be what I need.

She called me a few weeks back and tells me she was wondering how I was doing, that we should get together some time soon. She tells me she’s going to see her brother in Kentucky but never mentioned she was going to Texas. Now there’s some comment from a guy in Texas asking her how was the rest of her trip, WHAT THE FUCK!! I don’t need this shit. I don’t want anyone fucking with my mind. I don’t know if I’m being punished for all the wrong things I’ve done before, but I think I’ve had enough.

I can’t wish I would have never fell in love with her because it was a wonderful feeling, but now I just need to get out. It’s pathetic. I have no control of myself and I hate it. I’m hating everything about this and still I can’t hate her. I’m writing this shit and I’m still thinking about surprising her with something for Valentine’s Day, and we broke up something like six months ago. Like I said, pathetic. This shit never happened to me before. I need out. This is some fucked up shit.

Some of my co-workers may look at me and think that I’m just wasting my life. Maybe think that I have so much potential, if I was only willing to put more time and effort into what I do at work. Why? I’ve been there and done that, and at the end of the road, the rewards don’t make up for the sacrifices.

When I first came to America, I was the first person to show up to work and the last to leave. I would work Saturdays and Sundays, take work home and sometimes without pay, just to make sure the work was done and my boss would appreciate the effort. Sure, my boss appreciated that effort and the work got done on time. But that was about it… What? One or two extra dollars an hour is supposed to make me happy? I’m looking at the business owners drop by every other day to do a quick check on the business and off they go with pockets full of cash to socialize with important customers over beers while I’m doing all the ground work. Sorry, but I’m sucker free.

So I’m working for someone else so I can put food on the table and pay bills. If one employer doesn’t like what I got to give, another one will. Shit… this is America! If you want a job, you get a job. My goal is not to be like the business men that walk in to do a quick check on their business every day. I’m not lazy… never happened. My goal is to not be where I am right now. To work for myself. To learn everything I can from my experiences. To not have to depend on anyone with the power to come to me any given day and say “That’s it, you no longer have a job.” And home I will go with new worries in my head… how will I pay for food, my bills, my kids college tuition, etc. See I’d rather put my trust on a million customers. Work harder for them than any one else. And if the relationship with a customer doesn’t work out, I lose a customer I can always try to get back. I wouldn’t be turning my world upside down with the lost of one relationship.

To my co-workers: next time you think I’m being lazy, you should know mentally I’m always on a business venture. I saw the end of the road you are taking and I didn’t like it. I’m not saying what you’re doing is bad… it’s just not for me.