I’ve decided that my main goals for this coming semester are to have more self discipline and continue working on being social, but this time I want to try to really get to know more people and not just know then superficially.
I’m thinking discipline is important for me at this point in my life because it’s something I’ve lacked for a long time and could help me accomplish my other goals. The last time I remember being completely disciplined was when I was in sixth grade. I don’t know exactly what happened that first week in school, but I simply decided I was going to start coming home and doing my homework. That year I was in the Honor Roll every bimester, I was the Mrs. Woods favorite student, I also was appointed a C.O.D. (Cuerpo de Orden y Disciplina) (Body of Order and Discipline), which is sort of like a student aid for the teachers/example for the rest of the students to follow and the next year I was assigned to the Plan Piloto (Pilot Plan) program, which is the classroom where all the smart kids go. It’s meant to increase competition amongst the students and help them feed of each other. I know there are similar programs in schools here in the states, but I don’t remember their names.
My point is that discipline has been good to me in the past. I am disciplined only with the things I care about the most and even then not all the time. I get this great ideas for business and I start working on them, but there’s always going to be some obstacle that is just too boring, hard, detailed, technical, whatever… and I eventually drop the project. If I had the discipline to just continue working on them even if it is just a little bit at a time then I can see all of those projects realized. At least that’s my theory right now.
I just finished doing my Finance homework. Something that I’ve done three times out of maybe ten times the professor has assigned one. It felt good just having something completed. If I would only do all of my homeworks and study a little bit every day, I know I would be getting straight A’s in this class.
It’s been a while since the last time I wrote, I know… I think about writing every day but me dan webasand I end up doing something that calls my attention a little bit more at the time. Lately I’ve been thinking about the images societies have created on different races and how some big event or a set of them shifted people’s perceptions to what they are today. These perceptions will always be changing. Usually at a slow pace, but doesn’t necessarily have to be.
I’m specifically thinking about the perception Mexican people have about white people with blond hair. It seems most Mexicans want to be of fair skin and if they are, they usually have a higher level of confidence about themselves. If we look at a magazine or turn on the t.v. or whatever, we’re most likely to see the person with the fairest skin as the one with the highest position of power. Tele-novelas are a clear example: they don’t represent at all the population in Mexico. The actors and actresses usually have very fair complexion. Something you wouldn’t see in the majority of Mexicans, but this is what people seem to like around here, or are at least used to.
The skin color thing probably has something to do with the colonization of Mexico. Imagine you are part of a group where everybody looks like you when all of a sudden a new group where everybody also looks alike, but different from your group, start taking away everything you and your people ever had. It would be hard not to recognize you are being defeated, or that the new group is stronger than you. When a group ends up being completely oppressed, most people still remaining in the group would wish for peace, and in wishing it they will also try to be more like the new group and fit in. They would want to forget they were ever defeated and be one of the winners.
It was easier for the Indians to become more like the whites because they already had some things in common. Like straight hair. But for a black person it would take much longer to achieve an acceptable level of whiteness. A black person is on the other end of skin colors and hair types, and so the story was different for the average black person. Most black people today continue to either
Feel defeated and humiliated. Afraid to walk into the unexplored they have remained in one of the few black communities that exist and take whatever the flourishing communities, usually composed of those who have the fairest skin, throws their way.
Try to fit into the “civilized” world created by the fair skinned in order to feel more like winners. This they do either by adjusting their personalities and/or using their fairer skin to their advantage.
Come into conformity with who they are and use it to their advantage. They become strong from the inside-out and they know their defeats are just another lesson in life to learn from.
Unfortunately, I think many Mexicans fall under description #2 and most blacks under #1.
Until we learn to look in the mirror and love what we see, we’ll always remain someone’s shadow.
I remembered that when I was a little kid the teachers at school complained to my parents that I was always falling asleep. I even used to miss the recess time because of it. One time I woke up just after recess and two teachers were discussing what to do about my problem. It wasn’t the first time, so they wrote a letter to my parents and my dad took me to see my pediatrician and figure out what was wrong with me.
The doctor did some blood test and found out my hemoglobin was low. It’s an iron deficiency. I had to consume things rich in iron for a while and that seemed to cure things for the moment. It wasn’t the last time I fell asleep in class, but it was expected. Isn’t that when people do when the interest is not there?
Smoking is bad for the body, no doubt. I had a girlfriend that was addicted to smoking and she tried to stop several times, but she couldn’t. I used to smoke with her sometimes. I started smoking when I was a teenager because I wanted to look cool and be a part of the group. What I realized after a few years is that nobody actually starts smoking because they need to. There is a reason why people cough the first times they try to smoke. It’s not natural for our body so it’s basically telling the person, by coughing, that it doesn’t need the smoke. It has been years since the last time I smoked and I don’t see myself doing it again. Maybe once here and there just for the hell of it, but never on a daily basis or anything like that.
But here is the thing: if a person is happy smoking then OK, it’s their life. If a person is not happy smoking and wants to quit then I wish them the best of luck. The only thing I ask if for people that smoke not to do it around me. I don’t like the smell of cigarette smoke.
Since the last time I reported on the “One Night Stand” song, I’ve added a bunch of stuff to the track and taken some things out also. It’s starting to sound more and more like a hit. I’m taking my time all the way to the end until I get everything right. It’s a learning process.
I’m tired, but not enough to go to bed yet. I’ve been working on my music pretty much all day so maybe I’ll give it a rest for a couple of hours and watch a movie. See if I can come up with new ideas I can use later … who knows.
Antoniobullen.com is coming together nicely too, I did that research I wanted to do today also. It’s top secret… and I also came up with a billion dollar idea. I’m going to put it in paper for now and that’s it. I want to stay focused on my music for now.
We must have broken up at least five times in two years. And every time, I knew it was the right thing to do, but it was so hard to do because I cared so much about her and I felt like I always had the power to pull her back into the relationship.
I knew how she felt about us though, and I knew I was being selfish by manipulating the relationship. I also knew that I didn’t want someone that wasn’t sure about being with me. So one night I went to her apartment. She had not been answering my text messages or calls like she usually does and that bit of anger helped me do what I always knew I had to do. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was sort of an ultimatum. I wanted her to tell me whether she wanted to be together “yes” or “no”. She said “no.” She just wasn’t sure about us and she never was. I know she wasn’t trying to be mean about it, just honest. I needed her to tell me that. I couldn’t be the one to tell her it was over because I loved her too much.
We both took it well. I gathered the few things I had in her apartment and left as soon as I could. She just stood by the entrance hall as tears were running down her cheeks. When I passed her by to go for the front door she asked me if I at least was going to give her a hug. I think she thought I was angry at her and I didn’t think she would want me to hug her, but of course I did once she asked. I hugged her and kissed her forehead. That was the last time I touched her.
Katie will always be an important part of my life. I gave her more than two years of it and learned a lot in the process. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I know I made the right decision in the past. I am glad I didn’t just run away from Katie that first night we went out. I wouldn’t have known already what it is to love someone the way I did for her: enough to let her go and be happy. I would have also not known by now what it is to have a broken heart. And that’s an important thing to know so I can appreciate the good things even more.
I just woke up. For the next 14 hours I’m going to be studying for my Microeconomics test. I need to make sure I get a good grade on this one. I went to the gym yesterday and ran for 45 minutes. It felt good and now my muscles are sore. It’s been a while since I’ve been this way, but I don’t mind.
The progress on “One Night Stand” continues. I re-wrote the first verse once again and I’ve been feeling good about it for the past day so hopefully this is the last time. I don’t want to be re-writing the whole song and then not like it in a couple of days, so I’m just messing with the first verse now.
A couple of things I want to do: I want to start learning Italian, so I made a new topic section called “My Italian for the Day” and I want to start learning one word or phrase every day that I will post there. Even if I don’t do it every day, writing about it is going to help me see the progress. I would also like to start doing the same for the gym. Especially when I start lifting weights again, but that may take a little longer.
I feel responsible for my family back in Panama, the wife and the children that I will hopefully one day have. It’s like I need to make things happen. Financially I have to be able to provide for my mother, my father, my brothers if they need me to and even my aunts and cousins.
It would be a very special day for me when I fly down to Panama and surprise my family. I will tell my dad he doesn’t have to work anymore. That he can retire for the second and last time. Give him money that will make any of his material wishes come true. Whether it is to open a bakery or build a church. And if he doesn’t want to open a bakery, I’ll open one in his name.
I will go to my mom’s house and tell her that the mortgage is paid. Create a trust under the family name and give everyone monthly allowances so they can relax and do anything they want to do.
I’ll buy a house in Barbados and give a key to every member of the family. Sponsor a trip around the world for my big brother Alfredo so he can learn as many languages as he wants. And offer my little brother Alexander the opportunity to build a hospital in Panama under the family name.
I will give my future wife the wedding of her dreams, financial security, shopping sprees and anything she wants as long as she does one thing for me: be my half. That means she will never do anything to hurt me. And by “me” I also mean my children and my birth family. She can rest assured I will do the same.
I will do all of these things because I love my family.
i work hard. i can’t remember the last time i wasn’t thinking about a project of mine that will make me rich, or school, or something else that was just going to make me better. on the realest of notes, i can’t even remember the last time i even went to the bathroom without my laptop or a notepad. i’m serious. it’s 24/7 work. and it doesn’t even feel like that anymore. it’s just my state of mind.
Well, since I was talking to Dan the last time I wrote, he fell down the stairs while being intoxicated and lost a tooth, besides having to get stitches.
On the 24th I hung out with the Brazilians most of the night. I woke up on the 25th with a terrible headache and a cold. I spent the whole day in bed and I’m still feeling it today, but I’m much better.
Tonight I’m going to meet with the Brazilians again during Happy Hour.
I think about all the things that I have done in the past two years and I can’t say I regret them. I’ve lived, and I’ve learned, I’ve gained experiences and I have survived it all. I really miss Tracy, and I love her very much. I have been involved with other women since the last time I saw her but not one I’ve cared for the way I do for Tracy.
The problem is, I don’t think she really loves although she says so. I think that what she really loves is the way I treat her. Maybe that’s also what I love from her. I’m getting really tired of everything. I need to find something or someone that can make me feel the way I used to feel not so long ago.
I’m tired of Panama, there’s nothing new for me here. Nothing that I haven’t seen that I want to see or go to. I wish I had money to travel all around the globe and never have to worry about visas or taxes or money. I believe all of these problems can be fixed if I first take care of my U.S. immigrant status. It’s not so much that I have to take care of it, I’ve already done what has to be done. It’s about waiting for it to happen which I have been doing all this time and don’t think I can do for much longer.
I miss you Tracy so much. I hope you really know how much I miss you. Now that we’re so far from each other I finally understand what love is, and I’m loving you. I wish you were here with me. Nothing is the same without you.
It has been almost a year since the last time I came to Isla Grande. It is still a very beautiful island and it would be even more beautiful if Tracy was here with me. I need to see her when I get home. I’m going to buy a cell phone, put an ad on the newspaper, make some money and save it. Call Tracy, get a visa for the U.S. and go visit her.
