I just saw a picture of an ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend and it made my heart beat faster. There is only one person that does this to me. Why? I was never ready to let her go I suppose. But she’s no longer mine and I need to find the way to let it go.
I don’t have a clear idea of why this is happening either. I haven’t thought about her in a long time. I thought I was over her actually. I know it sounds ridiculous to now know what I’m feeling, but sometimes I do things and I’m not sure why.
I’ve decided that my main goals for this coming semester are to have more self discipline and continue working on being social, but this time I want to try to really get to know more people and not just know then superficially.
I’m thinking discipline is important for me at this point in my life because it’s something I’ve lacked for a long time and could help me accomplish my other goals. The last time I remember being completely disciplined was when I was in sixth grade. I don’t know exactly what happened that first week in school, but I simply decided I was going to start coming home and doing my homework. That year I was in the Honor Roll every bimester, I was the Mrs. Woods favorite student, I also was appointed a C.O.D. (Cuerpo de Orden y Disciplina) (Body of Order and Discipline), which is sort of like a student aid for the teachers/example for the rest of the students to follow and the next year I was assigned to the Plan Piloto (Pilot Plan) program, which is the classroom where all the smart kids go. It’s meant to increase competition amongst the students and help them feed of each other. I know there are similar programs in schools here in the states, but I don’t remember their names.
My point is that discipline has been good to me in the past. I am disciplined only with the things I care about the most and even then not all the time. I get this great ideas for business and I start working on them, but there’s always going to be some obstacle that is just too boring, hard, detailed, technical, whatever… and I eventually drop the project. If I had the discipline to just continue working on them even if it is just a little bit at a time then I can see all of those projects realized. At least that’s my theory right now.
I just finished doing my Finance homework. Something that I’ve done three times out of maybe ten times the professor has assigned one. It felt good just having something completed. If I would only do all of my homeworks and study a little bit every day, I know I would be getting straight A’s in this class.
How is it possible that babies know to hold their breath underwater? And why is it that the first thing we do when we sense immediate physical danger is to protect our heads? Is it possible that the learnings from many generations ago became so embedded into our ancestors minds that they became a part of our “basic package” so to speak? It is the only reasonable explanation I have at this moment.
This preset behavior is something that we can clearly see in animals. Somehow pinguins know how to find their way to the same mating place every year and birds know how to make nests. These are proven techniques for the survivor of their species that were initially thought from generation to generation until eventually they became, like I said, a standard.
I also think we all continue to develop these standards. Right now for humans in economically developed regions it may very well be the ability to multitask. We drive cars and talk on the phone, watch TV and get dressed, eat and read at the same time. These are all things humans who live 200 years ago may have not been able to do. Another things that I’ve thought about for a long time is the air we breath. If we had the ability to bring from the past a person that lived in this world 1,000 years ago, will this person sofocate? Will the air be too inpure? It would be like taking a person from the United States and putting them in a place with high elevation without conditioning first.
I’m interested in learning more about this and figuring out how I can use it for a benefit today.
What I like: her skin, her eyes, her hair. She and her friends have the word “bootylicious” in the dictionary, which I think she represents very well. I like her southern accent and the way she dresses and carries herself. She also seems to have good parents, the kind you can easily get along with and learn something new. I like her smile a lot, although sometimes it looks forced, as if somebody had always whispered in her ears: “you got to smile when you’re in public.” I like that she does more than just music. She’s got the clothing company, perfume, did her own cell phone and I imagine she’s got other things too. Oh yes, she knows how to keep her personal life away from the media.
What I don’t like: it seems she can easily put some extra weight on her legs. They don’t stay toned and skinny. I think she’s not one of those women who stays thin no matter what, and most women don’t so it’s OK. I heard she just got married to Jay-Z after six years of dating… I thought I would meet her before she would do that, but if she’s happy then good. Six years dating someone is a long time. It’s a little worrying that the relationship started when she was about 20, that doesn’t leave space for dating some more and getting to discover herself. You could have had me Beyoncé… Oh well.
I only hope that she’s doing what she wants to do. I’m happy to see her succeed, but I get the feeling that she does things to satisfy others and I hope I’m wrong. She seems a good woman, in and out, and deserves good people to be around her.
I went to the gym yesterday and worked out my biceps and back. Everything was good yesterday, but today I woke up with with my biceps really sore. They haven’t felt like this in a long time. It’s easy to get in the gym and be able to sustain the pain for a while. It’s hard to know exactly how much I’m working the muscle until I wake up the next day. I’m mostly afraid of stretch marks. I need to consume as much protein as I can.
I went to bed around 5 or 6:00 a.m. this morning and just got up. I haven’t talked about my “One Night Stand” project in a while, but it’s still going. I still work on it every day, it’s just hard to report ’cause I keep doing the same thing: write and erase. I’m just not satisfied with what I’m doing, but about three days ago I started writing in a different way and so far I’m liking it.
I think other project are going to take less time to write. This one is taking so long because it’s the first one. I’m learning from it. It’s been how many months since I started working on it now? Shit…
Starting a workout program can be challenging. Making the time to exercise, creating a balanced routine, and setting goals are hard enough, but add to that the muscle soreness that comes with adapting to that regimen, and it may be difficult to stay on track.
Aristotle Onassis is someone I’ve admired as a business man for a very long time. What I like about him the most is that he was an immigrant in Argentina and made his way to having billions of dollars as a businessman.
I’m watching a movie about his life right now. It’s called “Onassis: The Richest Man in the World.” I don’t like that it skips on all the business details, like when he first started on the tobacco business and then the oil tankers business. I didn’t know he had to sleep with a man for his dad’s freedom when he was a teenager. I also didn’t know that he left Greece because of a fight with his father, I thought he left because of a war. It doesn’t really matter though… the personal details of his life are not really what I care about. Like I said, I wish the movie wouldn’t have spared on the business details of his life.
His story inspires me in a way. I like to read about businessmen because it keeps my dreams reachable. It won’t matter if I’m old and still pursuing my dreams, the KFC guy did it when he was old and so can I.
Antonio: So what do you think, will I ever make it?
Self: I think you can, but it sort of like all the stars need to be align just right and you need to be ready for that.
Antonio: I don’t want to start doubting myself, but… what if I don’t make it? Or I’m not ready when I actually get the spotlight? You know I had a small chance to have Bullen Tea on a T.V. show once right? The producers called me a few times and everything, and I blew it! I told them I couldn’t do it at the moment… what a dumb ass… that could have been my ticket. Maybe that was my chance.
Self: Well I think you just need to keep doing what you are doing right now and just remember that everything happens for a reason. Maybe the next chance is going to be even better.
Antonio: Yeah, but do you really think I’m going to have another chance?
Self: Come on now, you know better than that… there’s an opportunity in everything.
Antonio: True… I’m just tired man… I try not to think about things, but when I do it just kinda brings me down a bit, you know? I really wish I was done with school too…
Self: Don’t let that shit go again… You could have graduated a long time ago if you would have just kept doing it from the beginning. You’re getting that education… that’s important.
Antonio: Yeah… ….. . …. … shit I’m having a full on chat with myself…. and I just came to my senses… I’m out.
Yesterday I talked to my grandma for the first time in almost 20 years. I didn’t know what exactly to say when I called because I didn’t think she would know who I was, but she did! I was very happy to hear her voice and hear that she’s getting better. She had a complication with a tumor and it was thought she was not going to be able to live much longer.
At the end of our conversation she said “I love you” and that sealed the deal for me. Just hearing those words from her made me feel part of something bigger. I have many cousins, uncles and aunts from my mother’s side of the family but she doesn’t like us talking to “the Clarkes”, as she calls them. Personally, I know I’m only 26 but I’ve grown up to forget people and live my life. I don’t know exactly what happened in the past, but it has been affecting my mom’s everyday present for a very long time. There’s an anger and resentment that has been building up for way too long and it’s very hard to stop now.
I’m going to talk to my uncle and make time to go see some of my family in Florida. I have to go see them. I want to know how they look now and what they are doing. Aunt Linda is spending some time with my grandma in Florida right now. She is the only other member of my mom’s part of the family that lives in Panama. We chatted for a little while and she sounded great. She seems very sparky and invited me to get to know the family better. Her daughter and sons, my cousins, are all doing well also.
Me and my brothers have always been kept so distant from the rest of the family, I think it’s ridiculous. That’s no way to live and I’m not doing it anymore. I’m old enough to make my own decisions and the Clarkes happen to be a half of me.
Where are the black people? I don’t mean it as a laughing matter, but really where are the rest of the people that look like me?
I go to work, college, wherever and it seems like I’m the only one. Apparently we never hang out around the same circles cause’ I’m so used to being the only black person in the group, and I’m comfortable with it. I’ve been comfortable for a long time… It just hit me while I was in my Microeconomics class tonight, that out of 200+ students, I’m the only black one. And out of all of my five classes, there is only one other black guy. What happened?
I want to see more people like me walking around campus, working with me, in my class sitting next to me. I honestly don’t look at people by races, otherwise it would have hit me much sooner, but damn… There’s a complete disproportion. Somehow I just thought about this while the professor was talking about supply and demand.
I was just reading about Benazir Bhutto’s assassination. It’s amazing to me how little I know about what is going on in the world today. I’m so concerned with my future right now while there’s people all over the world that are concerned not with what tomorrow brings, but today.
When you are hungry and there isn’t anything to eat, you want something to satisfy your hunger today, not tomorrow. When your country is at war and your life is constantly in danger, you are concerned about making it today.
America, in a way, is too pretty. I live what is considered by many a surreal life. But this is the kind of life we should all be living and much better actually. I still got bills to pay and little money to spare, let’s keep it real. But I got options. I can lose my job and get into financial troubles and still I have options available to get out of trouble. Find a new job, sell a few things, get a loan, whatever…
I don’t know how things can be leveled to the point where all of us here on Earth are not worrying about food and health. Those are just basic needs that should never be denied. It should be like the air that we breath.
This is something that I’ve had in the back of my mind for a long time now. So I’m going to start writing about it whenever I can. I’ll look for solutions with that entrepreneurial soul of mine. It can be done.
The older I get and the more experience I get. I understand how important it is to feel loved rather than be loved and also to have at least one other person you can love the same way.
I’ve said many times before that I didn’t feel loved for a very long time. I didn’t start learning how to express my feelings, be social, be able to give hugs or used the words “I love you” until I was about 21 years old.
I was seriously lacking in the area of communication and expression of feelings. Being defensive and acting with constant aggression is where I was comfortable. It just has to do with the way I grew up. My parents are not bad people, but they’re not gifted in the area of socializing or being affectionate either.
Becoming an independent young man and separating my self from the rest of the family at an early age was to me a very good thing. Thanks to my first girlfriend, Tracy, I started learning how to communicate. And yes, it was very uncomfortable for a very long time. I still remember the stupid fights we used to get into because I could not communicate effectively. I would hold all my anger inside and let it out in just one single emotional blow, with so many mean things to say that by the time I was over, she was crying herself insatiably, not knowing where to turn and wishing she was dead. And then I was happy. Happy because she was suffering the way I had suffered all my life, when, as a little boy, I cried myself to sleep listening to songs like “Hero” from Mariah Carey’s CD. Wishing a hero would come and rescue me. Tell me I was adopted or something of that sort and I was going home now. And I no longer had to hear the constant verbal abuse from my mom, or put up with my dad’s “power trips”. I’ll have more to say about that later on, right now I just want to tell Tracy and every other person I hurt with my attitude and struggles at the time that I am sorry. And I know some of you have already forgiven me.
Such an unusual town. Everything looks like from another century, which it is. What a dumb remark… Some of the shops are modern looking though.
Got to say something about the girl at the reception, she is the most beautiful girl I have seen in a very long time, and I can be picky. I think she is the daughter of the woman that attended to us yesterday. But I wonder if the fact that her parents are in business and she is too makes her more attractive.
Beautiful eyes and smile, I hope I can at least take a picture with me, but if I can get a kiss I will be in heaven. And if she likes me I may lose control of my feelings. I just know it.
I should do something interesting today, maybe go to this battlefield close to Brugge and take some pictures.
Back to the girl… she is really nice. She has working hands, which I like on her. I hope she is just as nice if I get a chance to talk to her and that I just haven’t made this all up in my head. It would be a shame if her soul is not in tune with her body, such a beautiful one.
