I broke up with Anahi a few days ago and I haven’t talked to her since. I don’t know how our conversation got to the point where I was breaking up with her. It wasn’t my intention when I called her. A part of me knew it wasn’t going to work because I started seeing the differences between us. Even though we had many things in common, we have a lot more things that are not.

I’m afraid that I may never get to a point of caring so much for someone as I did before, but I don’t like tu use the word “never” and I’m keeping my hopes up that some day I will. The interesting part is that even though I would like to find a girlfriend I like being around and in love with, I also don’t want to find her any time soon. Simply because it’s not the right time.

I told Anahi that I know sometimes I don’t call and I disappear from everyone, but that’s just me and she had to understand that. She said she did, but that if she was around I should pay attention to her. It sounded like a fair deal, but I know that’s not what she really wanted. I know that she says that because I’m obssesed with my business ideas and her father thinks I will reach my goals some day. I know it is true that I will reach my goals, but if she sticks around simply because something her father said, she will not be happy. It was obvious to me she wasn’t happy, else we wouldn’t be talking about the way I am and what she would like. I think that in a relationship, it is better when two can live their own life without make much changes and living together happily. When I told her I didn’t know how much of myself I could give her and she said “it’s OK”, I knew I had to do something right then. She was giving away her happiness simply to conserve the image of a happy couple or who knows why, but I knew it wasn’t love.

Things turned upside down rather quickly and now she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I don’t blame her. I never thought we were moving too fast or doing anything we shouldn’t be doing, but she did. What can I do now? Anything I say will be used against me.

I thought we were going to last a lot longer and so did she, but I know that even if it hurts right now for both of us, we are saving each other some pain and time. Maybe someday she’ll see it the same way too. For now I just have to hope that she will talk to me again.

My report: what can I say, another good Asian fighting film. I like the martial arts and the women in these films. Always elegant and graceful. I consider myself so ignorant of the Asian culture that it is something I admire very much. Many things are different about that other Orient, and I like paying attention to the details in the movies. Things like the clothes the people are wearing, the way they look and salute each other, the music, etc.

Rating:

About it: A Wuxia adventure out of South Korea, The Legend of the Shadowless Sword is a handsome martial arts epic by Kim Yung-jun (Flying Warriors). The film’s simple story allows for exceptionally creative action sequences about every three to four minutes, while simultaneously building a noble tale full of faith, love, and sacrifice. A beautiful female warrior named Yeonsoha (Yoon So-yi) goes in search of the last, living prince of the Balhae dynasty and its kingdom, overrun years before by the Geordan empire. The prince, Jeong Hyeon (Seo Jin Lee), has been in hiding 14 years as a black market trader, concerned primarily for his own safety and deeply cynical about any thought of going back to retrieve his family’s throne. Yeonsoha, however, proves persuasive, especially in light of the many attempts on Jeong’s life by a gang of assassins. The shady killers are led by a vengeance-seeking Kun (Hyeong Jun-Shin) and his assistant, (Ki-Yong Lee), another sword-wielding babe who gets into plenty of wild skirmishes with Yeonsoha.

The story essentially follows Jeong and Yeonsoha’s efforts to get back to a waiting army of Balhae exiles awaiting a king’s leadership. As the hours and days pass, Jeong gets in touch with the man he once was, a fearless warrior whose exploits on the battlefield are well-known to Yeonsoha, whose connection to the prince seems mysteriously personal. The film’s numerous fight scenes are never redundant, employing all manner of props and ideas for exciting fights. But it’s the performances that really hold everything together, the deep if understated emotions and the excitement of watching two mismatched lead characters slowly realize how important they are to one another. –Tom Keogh

My report: who would have thought Rambo could still be good? The blood scenes were original. I’ve never seen bloodshed like the ones I saw in this movie. Silverster Stalone didn’t try to play a young guy who could still do it all, that was the best part. Rambo was the same GI he’s always been, but wiser and not exactly looking for confrontation. I remember a scene from the old movies were Rambo heals a battle wound by sticking a heated knife inside of him… I didn’t see anything like that on this one and that’s a good thing. No love scenes either, it was all about the the interruption of the legendary Rambo trying to live a peaceful life on his own means. Nice.

Rating:

About it: When a group of missionary aid workers in Myanmar disappear into the vast green inferno, vigilante Vietnam War veteran John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) leaves his job as a Salween River boatman behind to accompany a group of mercenaries on a daring rescue mission. It’s been 20 years since Rambo helped mujahedeen rebels fend off Soviet invaders in Afghanistan, and these days the former soldier lives a simple life in northern Thailand. Meanwhile, the world’s longest-running civil war rages into its 60th year on the nearby Thai-Burma border. One day, human rights missionaries Sarah Miller (Julie Benz) and Michael Burnett (Paul Schulze) show up asking Rambo to guide them up the Salween so they can get some much-needed food and medical supplies to the desperate Karen tribe. According to Sarah and Michael, the Burmese military has planted land mines all along the roads leading into the tribe’s village, making it virtually impossible to reach the tribe via land. Two weeks after Rambo drops the group off in dangerous territory, pastor Arthur Marsh (Ken Howard) arrives with a chilling message: the aid workers never returned from their mission into the jungle, and the embassies refuse to help Marsh and his fellow missionaries find their missing friends. Now, despite the fact that Rambo has long since sworn off all forms of violence, the knowledge that innocent missionaries are being used as pawns in a brutal war leaves him with no other choice than to venture behind enemy lines on his most dangerous mission to date. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide

Part of the homework I was working on today for my Spanish class was reading an article by Cristina Peri Rossi and she believes that men love women that are superior to them and women also love men that they see as superior. It got me to thinking about it ’cause it just doesn’t sound right. No one with enough self esteem will actually admit that the reason she is with his or her partner is because they are superior. In fact, I think we all prefer to believe that we fall in love with people we see as our equal.

It’s not that we look at someone and feel they are superior, what we see is a person that can bring something to the table. Nobody likes having a partner they feel they are carrying or babysitting. We all want someone we can depend on and will have some qualities we either lack or are not as strong. This is the reason why men and women with money and fame prefer to marry someone like them. It is also the reason why men who have money, but are not very handsome will most likely marry a trophy wife and good looking women with no money are looking for men with deep pockets.

Like I said, it’s not superiority that makes a person fall in love. It’s that feeling of completion the other person brings. I think Cristina has some issues she might need to work on… she never used any names in her story, but she was way off about my feelings as a man.

I’ve always thought that we can all learn a lot from just looking at animals and how they behave. It makes me wonder about things like marriage. So far, I haven’t heard of one single animal, besides humans, that spend more than half their lives with the same companion. On one hand we end up frustrating ourselves, at times we want to “kill” that other person because they get on our nerves and it is expensive. On the other hand, if things to workout then life can get a little easier, having kids is a lot easier and better for the children and hopefully when we get old we’ll still have someone to share memories and good times with. OK that’s the whole concept of marriage and monogamy which is not very popular in the animal kingdom, but right now I was thinking more about courtship.

Look at the way lions court females. Usually the male has to try more than once to get the female. The same concept applies to humans, but when is enough trying enough? When are males supposed to say: “OK, this one doesn’t want me and I better move on”? Right now my thinking is that the decision is completely up to the male. It’s something that I’m still thinking about so I may change my opinion

There’s this girl that likes this guy. The guy is interested in her, but he thinks it’s too early to think about marriage but that’s all she really has in mind. “Let’s take it easy” is what he says. “Let’s get to know each other before we start making long term plans… in the meanwhile let’s just have some fun o.k… do what couples do.” He’s talking about sex and that’s really it, because remembering her birthday and the romantic dinners are just a means to the end and that’s his plan of attack.

Her tactic is simple: she won’t give him what he wants because she believes that as soon as he gets it he will bail out and leave her with nothing but shame and frustration. As a matter of fact, she’s been trough it before and it’s time for her to take charge. So she promises him she will give him sex, but first he must make her dreams come trough: she wants the big ring, the big wedding with expensive roses from South America, and a house with at least three bedrooms: one for them, one for the baby which she wants soon and the last one for the baby sitter because she won’t be able to do everything herself. He tells his best friend “man, I love this woman! Nobody has ever made me beg for sex like she does. She’s pretty and classy! This will be our last trip to Vegas and after this I’m getting on my knees.”

So they get married and the honeymoon was great. He thinks this is the best sex he’s ever had and all she’s thinking is this is the right time for her to get pregnant, but all thoughts aside, anyone that would have looked at them through a screen would have wanted the same thing. First class seats on flight 357 and a limo ride bring them home to nothing less than a pimped out shack in a nice new neighborhood. She couldn’t be happier. She’s got the man of her dreams and her time of the month hasn’t come yet. He’s thinking differently now. As soon as the plane left Caribbean grounds he’s been thinking money, money, money: the monthly payment on that big ass ring, the wedding expenses her parents helped payed but couldn’t afford to cover all, the hotel accommodations and flight he put on his credit cards and yes, of course, that new 30 year mortgage he just got on a flexible interest rate.

Five years later they’ve both stopped looking at the future. Now they talk about the past and how good it used to be. She wonders why she settled for him and he wants to know what made him marry her in the first place. Their baby daughter is 3 years old and produces the only smiles in their lives. Prince charming turned out to be a broke-ass good for nothing that put her to work as an Assistant Manager for an insurance company and as it turned out for him… he doesn’t even get what he married for in the first place: sex.

My report: This is a story about religion and the role it can play in our lives. The main character, Natalia, had been a devoted churchgoer all her life. Even though she was married, she never had sex with her husband because she wanted to preserve her chastity. Natalia’s husband and her didn’t even sleep in the same bed and she even went to church every single day. Things changed when she fell in love with the new town priest. All of a sudden she unleashed all the sexual desires she had been suppresing and she even killed to preserve that feeling. Have you ever heard of the quiet guy that ends up blowing up the building? Well that’s what she was.

Rating:

About it: The romantic drama Polvo Enamorado tells the tale of Natalia, a young woman who is wedded to the mayor of her Peruvian village. Having once aspired to become a nun, Natalia only married the man because he promised they would never have to consummate their marriage. Natalia learns that her husband has been sedating and raping her around the same time that a new priest arrives in town. She and the priest are drawn to each other, forcing him to question his devotion to his life in the church. ~ Perry Seibert, All Movie Guide

Is it worth it to tell my girlfriend everything about my past? I’ve done that before and it led to two and a half years of insecurities. My ex-girlfriend was never ever able to trust me “because of the way I used to be,” even though I never cheated on her, in her mind there was the strong possibility that I would because I did it to someone else. The relationship eventually ended and I know part of it were her insecurities.

Now I’m in another relationship and I’ve decided to tell as well… Telling the truth keeps my mind at ease and maybe it will make her trust me even more. I don’t have to worry about hiding anything and I don’t want to hide anything. Besides, I believe my girlfriend should accept me for who I am. Yes, I’ve made mistakes but I’ve also learned from them. Isn’t that what’s important?

She’s taking her time to get to know me and trust me. Hopefully things will be different this time. I don’t feel there is much I can do, but hope things go the right way and continue to follow up on what I say I am now with my actions.

It must be worth it to tell my girlfriend my past… if not for her then at least for my own peace of my mind.

It seems like people just want to find other people and hold on to them. We find someone we’re comfortable with and we don’t want to let them go. We call these people friends, girlfriends, boyfriends… pretty much the same thing just a different level of connection.

I guess my “problem” is that I don’t feel like I need somebody in order to survive. I’m not saying I’m better. It’s actually a miserable life because there are not too many things besides enjoying the company of others that we can really do in this life. So my life goes on and I realize that I should mingle a little more, but mostly what I can see is just dollar signs and a tunnel that leads to either a one night of passion or nowhere.

I don’t know about this world I live in some times. It can really be a boring place and dying is not an option because maybe something better is just around the corner…

What makes a person tic? I often wonder why it is that I love business so much, but still I’m not sure why. I know that most people have something they feel passionate about and those who don’t are usually not happy living. I’ve made the mistake of thinking that what I like is truly the most important thing in the world and everyone else is stupid for not feeling the same way, but I’m sure everyone else feels the same way about what they do.

As much as I like to help other people, I know that being a teacher is not for me. I simply look at it as not too effective and it is usually not something I could use for the masses. I also don’t like to just give my money away hoping that it will help in some way. I’d rather take the time to develop systems or tools that can help a lot of people. For example, develop a system to scout for the best teachers around the world and hire them, teach them new techniques and monitor their work to help kids who don’t have the opportunity of a good education. Also develop new tools that are effective for learning. Like more visits to zoos, museums, videos and interviews with leaders in different fields that will leave a mark on a child’s brain. In other words, make teaching practical.

Man… I don’t know what makes me tic when it comes to helping people either, but I know that I feel as strong about it as I do about my business ideas. I really just want to help create positive changes on people that will endure for a life time. That will be the mission of “The Bullen Foundation.”

Sometimes I feel like I can’t do it all
Most times I feel like it’s all on me
Whether I fail or not, it’s on me
People tell me to leave it up to some divinity
But I’m afraid that if I start doing that I’ll end up with
Less than what I ask for, yet grateful for what is given
As if this is what was really my dream
And what if it is forsaken?

I don’t trust, I won’t trust, I can’t trust
Friends come and go,
Family stays but sometimes won’t show up,
Girlfriends take me on an emotional roller coaster
And the only constant is me

I’m filling my head with experiences I won’t forget,
Hoping that in return they’ll help me get to places
That when I look back I won’t regret

I don’t stop, I won’t stop, I can’t stop!
Friends will keep on smiling,
The family will keep on embracing
Girlfriends will keep on loving, then asking, then nagging
And the only variable is me

As I am capable of determining my own future
Son, that was the past now look at this future
And I know I can do it all…
I take a little bit of this and that and make gumbo with it all…

Things started getting more and more interesting by the minute back in the room. After drinking the cheap bottle of wine, which tasted horrible but what did I know back then, it was the first time I tasted wine, Louise called it a night and me and Tracy stayed up on the terrace talking. Getting to know each other better.

I remember the conversation was real smooth even up to the point we first kissed. I’m trying to remember how it went exactly, but I can’t. Maybe it will come to me one of these days. I do remember staying up all night ’till the sun came out, just making out to the point my lips were numb. Good lord, I don’t think I have the patience or excitement to do something like that again. That was high school stuff and even though I was already in college to me it was what I should have done in high school, but never did. I was nineteen and that kiss was what I consider my first real kiss. No “I dares” or other type of external pressure. Just a nineteen-year-old guy and a twenty-five-year-old girl getting together because they wanted to.

We didn’t talk about that night again. But the next day we were holding hands on the bus back to Panama City. Again, like high school kids, I guess now we were together… ha!

It was the beginning of the love I’ve discovered for the female body. It’s like they say: once you’ve had it you can’t go without it. Something about the curves, the smoothness, the delicacy and the smell of a woman… I really don’t understand how women just don’t touch themselves all day.

A woman’s body is the most valuable piece of art in God’s gallery. You can admire it for it’s beauty and you can also use it to create more art.

I am who I am
I am the man who crawls into your bed in the middle of the night
And the same way I come, I leave when I like
I am the moon light you need so you can see at night
I am the sun that brightens your skies
Don’t ever think of me as your other half
Nor come to me when you need advice
I am not your friend nor your father
I am not your creator nor your messenger
I am not your brother nor your lover
I am who I am
I am the man who comes to you in the middle of the night
With a mood that supersedes my actions
I can be gentle or rough, but never expect me to act with hesitation
I make you feel good… and then I leave you to cry
I do not want your love nor do I need it
You know what I want and you will keep on giving it
Why keep asking for my name when you already know the answer
Wanting another answer is simply asking for more pain
I am who I am
And you must leave it at that
If you ask me one more time I will never again cross into your path
You see, in a relationship like this only one can have the feelings
The other is simply the perfect definition of a realist
I am the honest person that you’ve ever come across
I never lie to you, I don’t put anything on a cusp
If you have to leave me because I didn’t lie to you
I understand, and best of lucks to you

What I like: her eyes, skin, lips, eyebrows, chin. She’s from Barbados, I love that and the accent. I like her tits just the way they are. I hope she doesn’t ever do anything to them. I think she’s naturally beautiful and doesn’t need anything to look good. She has a tight body, but she’s young so who knows how she’ll look a few years from now. A lot of girls start getting bigger between 25 and 30 I would say. If Rihanna can avoid the overweight at least until she’s 30 then amen.

A little side note: I think most people start getting fatter with age, but what I hate is when people don’t do enough to change what they don’t like about themselves and get mad at people like me who like something they don’t have. If you’re happy with what you’ve got then great, there’s somebody that likes you just the way you are. Don’t try to change my opinion about what I like. I’m turning 27 and my body is starting to get fatter, so every day I’m spending an extra 30 to 45 minutes on the treadmill keeping that weight off. I also have to watch what I eat a lot more. I didn’t have to do all that before. See what I mean?

What I don’t like: I’m particular about the legs. They need to be shaped just right and hers are not. I also think she’s got a little bit too much forehead.

I want Rihanna to get real big from a business/money point of view. For some reason I feel like she’s being duped a lot and I hate to see that happen to her, if it’s true. If I ever meet her and she can get over my comments about her forehead, I wouldn’t mind helping her out.

Rihanna's official website

Rihanna on Wikipedia

Saturday was the day that me and Tracy had planned to go to El Valle. I was more exited about the idea of being away from home than going on a trip with her. I really didn’t think of her in a sexual way. I guess it was my innocence.

Somehow we ended up meeting a Native American girl from Saskatchewan, Canada, Louise was her name I believe. Ha… I just remembered having the hardest time trying to say her name right. My English then was not as good as it is now. but anyways, on the way to El Valle we exchanged a lot of interesting stories and got to know each other a lot better. This is, by the way, one of the coolest things about traveling: getting to meet people from other cultures and learning from them. I love that. There we were, a white girl from California, a Native American girl from Canada and a black guy from Panama, all speaking in our own accents and getting along just fine. I would really like for everyone in this world to get the opportunity to experience other cultures and countries.

I had been to El Valle many times before, so I took them to the zoo and we had a nice walk around town also. I remember being worried the whole time because I hadn’t told my parents where I was going. I knew that if I would have asked, they would have given me the usual answer: no. So I had stopped asking for permission on many things for a while now. I would just go places behind their back and hope that I could make it on time for my parents not to find out what I had done.

Tracy, Louise and I were having a good time and before we knew it, I had to catch the last bus home. The two girls were thinking about spending the night and they enjoyed my company and wanted me to stay, which I did. They had already paid for a room at a cabaña, which is like a hostel but you get your own private room with a shower and bathroom. The owner of the cabaña had charged the two girls about $20 for the night. She had said that if I was staying there would be an additional $5 charge. I was trying to stay in without having to pay, but when the last bus back to the city had already left and she saw me there, she didn’t miss the beat and charged me. I mention this because at the time it seemed like a lot of money to me. I had taken that trip with about $11. It always amazed me how people would come to Panama and spend money quite freely, especially if they were from the U.S.. Now I know why.

That night the girls had the big idea of going salsa dancing. I wasn’t into that idea because I was the only guy. If one or both of them got drunk or whatever, it’s all on me. But I wanted them to have a good time, so we went down to this local bar and hung out for a good while. I just kept looking everywhere and watching their drinks. The whole bar was full of guys and a few were brave enough to come talk to us. They would try talking to me in English first to try to figure out which one I was dating. As soon as I replied to them in Spanish they would feel more comfortable and had a few more friends join the conversation. The girls didn’t really get what they wanted ’cause it wasn’t really the kind of bar you go to salsa dance. I was actually glad. We bounced from there, the girls bought a cheap bottle of wine and we headed back to the room…

Back in Panama I knew this guy, Ivan, from New York. He was in the country on a study abroad program, doing an internship for his bachelors degree and also learning Spanish. He was living with one of my friends from the neighborhood, Alejandro. One day Ivan told me some girl named Tracy from California had just moved into the same house he was staying at and that I should check her out. “She’s probably an easy fuck” is what he said. I met her and she didn’t catch my attention. There was just nothing that I saw as special at the time.

I saw Tracy again at the Spanish school Ivan was also going to and I ended up chatting with her for a while. We ended up making plans to go to a town called “El Valle”, which is in the countryside, about an hour or two from Panama city. It turned out to be a memorable day, but that’s another story.

My report: I rented this movie because I saw it had comments from Russel Simmons, Whoopi Goldberg and Damon Dash in it. I wanted to know how black people in power felt about the word nigger, and it turned out to be interesting.

The word nigger or nigga is used among black people in the U.S. in many different ways. When I first came to this country I only knew one meaning for the word. It is that same racial slur most people know the word by. But when I heard on T.V. and on songs, people using the word nigga so freely I thought maybe it is OK for anybody to use it. So I tried using the word, but every time I did it just didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel right because in my brain there was already a symbol associated with that word. It also didn’t feel right because no everybody, not even all blacks, feel the same way about it. The first and only time I heard my mom use the word nigger, she used it as a derogatory term towards my dad (when he wasn’t in the room) because they were having an argument. And even then it didn’t make sense that my black mom would try to insult my black dad by using the word nigger… they’re both black! It’s like this one time I was fighting with my older brother so I called him an “hijo de puta,” a common insult in Panama that means “son of a whore.” You see where the problem is? We’re brothers! By calling him a son of a whore, I was calling my own mother a son of a whore. As soon as I said, my brother smiled at me and said “we have the same mother you dumb ass,” we both laughed and that was the end of the fight. Never again did I use that same phrase on any of my brothers.

Here is my problem with the world nigger: it divides people. It divides blacks from all other races, and what’s most important, it divides blacks who are against the use of the word nigger from those who favor it. If you ask me, I would say the use of the word today in Hip Hop is mainly serving the same purpose it did when it was first used on blacks. I heard Chris Rock, a black comedian, say that there are black people and then there are niggers. I say niggers are blacks. He was trying to say that a nigger is a dumb black person who is ignorant and likes being ignorant, they like to “keep it real.” I am against his way of thinking because, again, it does nothing but cause more division.

I’ve heard people say that “nigger” is a racial slur, but “niggaz” isn’t. What? That is confusing, and the truth is that it is just another way to try to make the word OK. In Hip Hop lyrics, the word nigga is used all the time. These lyrics are not being heard by black kids, they are being heard by every race and culture on the planet. As artists, we black people are telling the word that it is OK to use the word nigga, but many times when we hear non-blacks use the word we get mad, why? The reason why is because the word, in many ways, still holds the same meaning it had many years ago.

The word nigga is a double standard and at the same time a form of empowerment. To the black person it could mean “I will use the word nigga because I want to, and no white person is going to tell me I can’t,” it could also mean “the word nigga is for us black people ONLY to use,” or “I am better than that other black person who looks just like me.” If you are a black person using the word nigga, you are using it to rebel or distinguish yourself. Either way, the true outcome is division.

I choose not to use the word nigga because it divides. If I use it it will be in a sense of unity amongst black people and knowing that everyone in the room is comfortable with the word. I truly love my race too much to help shred it apart. I don’t care what nobody, aside from all blacks, think of the word “nigga”. Let’s get our own black culture to unite so we can have a unanimous vote.

Rating:

About it: The biggest names in show business come together to offer their opinions on one of the most inflammatory words in the English language in filmmaker Todd Williams’ revealing and thought-provoking documentary. In its long and complex history, the word “nigger” has gone from a cutting and derogatory racial slur to a term of endearment frequently used by African-American youth culture. Though the word has in a sense been “taken back” by the very people that it targeted, it still has the power to anger and enrage when taken out of its new context. As a variety of celebrities including Quincy Jones, Russell Simmons, George Carlin, Damon Dash, and Bryant Gumbel offer their opinions on this polarizing word, the taboo of language is broken to reveal an ever-changing society that is constantly attempting to make sense of a dark past while simultaneously attempting to build a brighter future. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide

What I like: well… you just got to look at her. She’s got a tight body with caramel skin and beautiful eyes. I like going for the less usual, that’s why I like brunettes with light colored eyes. I’m not used to seeing that a lot plus the contrast between the eyes and the hair makes the woman look even more beautiful. She speaks Portuguese, Spanish and English. She was born in Brazil. What makes her more unique is that she says she goes to church every Sunday and is a virgin, she thinks sex should be for when people get married. I like that she makes a stance for what she believes. I wonder if she’s that way with everything… that would make her way more sexier.

What I don’t like: she’s a virgin… It’s like a 50/50 with this one. It’s hard to go without sex, but I also know what it is to be in love with someone, sex then becomes secondary. It’s a good way for a woman to find out who really cares about her, unless a couple is in a rush to get married so they can have sex. Then it’s just stupid. Honestly, the virgin thing is not bad. But, damn, I would be a monster in bed that first time after not having sex for so long if I ever get married to a woman that thinks the same way.

I would really like to have dinner with her someday. Hopefully she won’t disappoint.

What I like: she’s from a different culture, her eyes because they are not the usual and they contrast nicely with her hair, the smile, she speaks Tulu, Hindi, English, Marathi and Tamil. For what I can tell, the rest of her body is just as beautiful as her face.

What I don’t like: she’s married.

I can’t picture her being dumb. I think she is one of those women that is beautiful and intellectual. I also think of her as having a good relationship with her husband, as in they both take care of each other. If that’s really the case then I’m happy for her.

See, that’s all I need, a beautiful woman in the inside and outside that is there for me no matter what, good times and bad times. A woman who wants to do things with me and for me not because I asked her, but because she loves me. I’d give her the same love and attention back.

There are way too many beautiful women in this world. Finding one that fits just right in my mind and heart is the hard part.

I’ve been pretty busy with school work today, but on my free time I’ve been working on my coat of arms. I’m actually not sure whether I want to call it a seal or a coat of arms, but I want it to symbolize the things that are most important to me. I started with a list and now I’m down to basically two things: love and wisdom. I’m thinking about giving away with love and just keep wisdom. Honestly because as it is right now without something representing love, the coat of arms looks good and now that I think about it, wisdom represents the quality of experience… I’m going to say that the experience of having found love has thought me it is a very important component of life. How’s that?

I’ve got a paper, and two midterms the next couple of days so I’m laying low on any reading outside of school.

Oh Pussy… Sweet Pussy

You are God’s greatest gift to mankind

Without you there would be no life

There would be no I

And this is why

Today and everyday

In you I put my faith

That you will do what seems like the impossible

Bless me with offspring, it will be a miracle

Only you can do the things you do

Make me feel so good

I even have to pleasure you

If I had one day to live

You best believe I will be spending it with you

Oh Pussy… Sweet Pussy

Don’t ever leave me

I’m not a man to kill myself

But If you were to leave this world

There would be no reason for me to live

I Love You from the bottom of my heart Sweet Pussy

Sincerely

We must have broken up at least five times in two years. And every time, I knew it was the right thing to do, but it was so hard to do because I cared so much about her and I felt like I always had the power to pull her back into the relationship.

I knew how she felt about us though, and I knew I was being selfish by manipulating the relationship. I also knew that I didn’t want someone that wasn’t sure about being with me. So one night I went to her apartment. She had not been answering my text messages or calls like she usually does and that bit of anger helped me do what I always knew I had to do. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was sort of an ultimatum. I wanted her to tell me whether she wanted to be together “yes” or “no”. She said “no.” She just wasn’t sure about us and she never was. I know she wasn’t trying to be mean about it, just honest. I needed her to tell me that. I couldn’t be the one to tell her it was over because I loved her too much.

We both took it well. I gathered the few things I had in her apartment and left as soon as I could. She just stood by the entrance hall as tears were running down her cheeks. When I passed her by to go for the front door she asked me if I at least was going to give her a hug. I think she thought I was angry at her and I didn’t think she would want me to hug her, but of course I did once she asked. I hugged her and kissed her forehead. That was the last time I touched her.

Katie will always be an important part of my life. I gave her more than two years of it and learned a lot in the process. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I know I made the right decision in the past. I am glad I didn’t just run away from Katie that first night we went out. I wouldn’t have known already what it is to love someone the way I did for her: enough to let her go and be happy. I would have also not known by now what it is to have a broken heart. And that’s an important thing to know so I can appreciate the good things even more.

I wish her the best.

The relationship was rocky from the beginning. It never turned into a fairy tale for more than one reason. We each had a couple at least.

For her:

1. She couldn’t trust me completely because of my past and the things that always seemed to be popping out of nowhere. I never cheated on her, but I felt like I was being punished for all the wrong shit I did. Call it Karma.
2. There was that time issue. She was at a point in her life were she wanted to be free. No attachments, just be single and discover herself. By being around I wasn’t allowing that to happen.

As for myself:

1. Money: I have always wanted to make serious cash. I’m not talking regular money, I’m talking about developing unique skills that will make me at least a few millions to start. I was also starting to see the financial burden of my failed business (Bullen Tea) and the social life I was living before I met Katie. And that just came right back to the second problem.
2. Time: just the wrong time for her to come around. With money problems and me trying to handle a full time job, full time classes, making time to see her and at the same time develop new business ideas to get rich from… right, that wasn’t going to go smooth.

After that first date I felt like I needed to clean up my act. The same way when a girl is coming to a guy’s house we start cleaning up, but just bigger. I had too much dirt on me. I didn’t even feel like I could kiss her until I got rid of everything else. I stopped talking to the girls I had in the works and I kept doing what I was already doing with the ones I had already gone through: ignore.

But still, the whole shit was just wrong. I would be talking to Katie and some chick would be calling a dozen times leaving hate messages. I never answered, but even the phone on vibe was getting old. I was dead set on getting Katie to trust me and winning her heart but something was always going wrong. She would find something or some dumb ass friend would call her the wrong name or some shit.

Another thing is that I had a weed habit that she didn’t like. I was smoking everyday-all day. To the point were sometimes I couldn’t remember her name. And that was fucked up because I really liked her, but there were a lot of other things I couldn’t recall fast enough. At work I would be talking to a client and forget the first half of the sentence I was in. Just have a complete brain fart and I would say that I had another call and would call right back. It wasn’t even fun anymore, I was probably spending a third of my day trying to remember things, so I had to clean up that shit too.

I asked her a couple of times to go out with me and she kept saying “no”. I usually ask just once, but for some reason I swallowed my pride. She finally agreed the third time. She told me later on that the reason why she said “no” the first two times is because of the places I wanted to take her. One time was this club called Zelda’s that it’s pretty ghetto, but they have good music and we just happened to be talking about clubs with good music so I tried to sneak in an invitation to go out with me. I think the second time was at another club, which was not ghetto, but still I could have done better. I don’t know what I was thinking. The third time I did it right though. I said I would pick her up, take her to a nice restaurant and a movie after that.

So I went to pick her up, but I never came out of the car. I did not want to meet her father or mother. I had gone out with some girl the week before and she had me meet her family. I felt like I was going to a prom or something. It was really uncomfortable and I didn’t feel like repeating that. So I just called her when I was in front of her house and told her I was out waiting. I know it’s not romantic, but it gets better. Like always, she was dressed to kill. She really knows how to work the looks.

On our way to the restaurant there was this noise coming from her side of the car. I could tell it was coming from the seatbelt hitting on the door and it was irritating the hell out of me so I reached over her to get rid of the noise. She thought I was weird for trying to get close to her that way… conceited.

I don’t know how it happened, but while we were talking over dinner that night, something about her started opening up my feelings. All of a sudden I was nervous and couldn’t eat, my mouth was dry and my heart was beating fast. I won’t even lie, I wanted to get up and run away as fast as I could. I realized the effect she was having on me and it was because she had too many good qualities. Too many of the things I want in a woman, but it was too early for me to find someone like that. I needed to have an excuse to be able to fuck and forget. That excuse never came, and I would have been stupid to not allow whatever was going to happen, to happen.