I just had a dream about my mother. In my dream she was talking shit to me, like always. She threw me out of the house, can’t remember why this time. She just kept going on and on about how terrible I am. I was so angry at her for accusing me on shit I didn’t do that I punched her face.
I just saw Episode 13 of The Sopranos, third season, Army of One. I started thinking about the main character, Tony Soprano, he seems to have no reservations when it comes to doing what he feels like doing. Should life be that easy?
I have spent a lot of time considering other people’s feelings. Where does that get me? My dad always told me not to raise my hand at my mother. I did once when I was about 14, but I never touched her. Meanwhile she continued to feed my brain with her bullshit. She’s still the same person today. I’m the one still dealing with everything she ever did to me. So, taking my father’s advice and putting my own feelings aside, where does that get me?
My dream tells a few truths about how I feel about my mother. 1) I remember her mostly for the emotional abuse she imparted in me. 2) I wish I could make her stop.
I think we all know what we need to do. We just don’t know how to.
- how did you pay for your ticket? What’s your profession?
OK, this is getting annoying now… My ears are still buzzing from the airplane flight and this guy is asking me repetitive questions… so I tell him once again…. slowly this time
- STUDENT
Figure it out buddy… Students some times work, they get student loans, they get money from their parents, etc.
He wrote something on my customs sheet. It read BCC and some other three letters I couldn’t make out… Now what was that about? I was pretty sure those letters meant something pretty important. Somewhere down the line before I get to baggage claim I’m going to be asked more questions…
Passing through Immigration… Check
I’m on my way to Baggage claim, but then… a security guy asks for my customs paper again.
- Where are you coming from? Where are you going?
Same questions all over again. Is this really necessary?
This time he only asks two questions and I’m off. But I had to ask him something, I’ve been asked twice already and I don’t know why:
- How come you are only stopping black people today?
I noticed that while I was waiting for my luggage, two black girls were stopped and another black guy. Those are all the people they stopped. Those were almost all the black people waiting for luggage.
- I beg your pardon sir?
I repeated my question exactly the same way. No attitude, just an honest question looking for an honest answer. You can tell I caught him off guard. Both times I asked the question while looking at him directly in the eyes and without hesitating. It was unexpected.
- I’m sorry sir (he stutters a bit), I’m starting to have a problem with you, what was that question again?
He rests his hand on his pistol like all police officers do when they want to feel in power.
Quick thought: I got a plane to catch and if I’m detained because of this guy, I may not get on it on time…
- Oh nothing, don’t worry about it.
- Alright sir.
I turn in my customs paper, I get my luggage, I think I made it.
Now the customs officer I gave the sheet to:
- Oh, sir, please go through that door on your left and follow the green arrow.
She puts my customs sheet on a purple folder and gives it back to me.
I knew it, it was those letters the first guy wrote on my customs sheet. As I enter, I look around the room and there is about 10 passengers from different flights, I suppose. One white lady and another old white man, the rest are blacks and hispanics. I had to notice it because in a country where 60% are white, the probability theory tells me that there should be a higher amount of white people. At least that’s what I understood from my Statistics class.
Now most of the people have blue folders, I got a purple one… Shit, that first guy made me extra special. He must have not liked it when I made him look stupid when I said “student” slowly.
The officer that attended to me was actually nice. He asked me the same questions all over again, except when I told him I was in Panama he asked me where abouts.
- Albrook, I said.
- Oh that’s a nice area, big and expensive houses around there.
- …
- I’ve been to the Albrook airport in Panama a few times.
- So what is all this about? Random checking?
- Yeah, nothing to worry about, he said.
He scans my luggage with the x-ray machine then asks:
- What’s that round thing you have in your luggage?
He points at my friend Lange’s luggage. I’m doing him a favor of flying it to San Diego and shipping it from there cause its cheaper.
- I don’t know, its my friend’s suitcase.
- You should never take things from friends if you don’t know what they are.
He’s right, but the truth is I forgot what it was. Any answer I was going to give him would have been stupid. So I just spit one out.
- I know, I said. He’s a good friend. I know him well.
Open the luggage, rip the newspaper wrap, uncover the round object… It was a cup.
- Alright dude, have a good one.
- Alright man, you too.
I was walking to my gate, the loud speakers at the airport come off.
“Any remarks or jokes to security may result in your arrest…”
Ooops. Well I don’t opose security, but if I want to know where all the questions are coming from, I think I deserve an answer. An honest answer.
The Swine flu, yet another reminder of how quickly things can change. It was just a week ago when life seemed wonderful and everlasting. Then all of a sudden Mexico City is hit with an outbreak of the swine flu and 150 people so far have died. Now the concerns are high amongst the rest of us here in the country and bordering towns, and I’m wondering what’s going to happen during the next 3 months. Truth be told, I’m glad school has been canceled for the next week at least. I was getting tired of getting up and feeling like I was pretending to be interested in school, especially when I know my passion stands still on business and now socializing.
So now, because of this virus outbreak, we have international students heading back home, people everywhere on the streets wearing masks, a lot of people are paying close attention to the news and are wondering whether they should also go home, and like I mentioned before, school is out for at least one week. I’m not worried about much though. It does worry me that I can get infected, but if that is the case I know I can afford the best treatment available and have a good probability of not dying. I’m also worried that if this virus is not controlled soon, it will affect the number of exchange students coming to Mexico next semester and affect the business plans I had in mind. As for the rest, it is all good. There are only 3 weeks of class left and if my university of the US government decides it is better for me to return home, then I have an excuse not to do final exams. I am still planning on traveling during the summer and continuing my life as usual. Perhaps, I’ll even have time to visit my mom in Panama for a couple of weeks.
Today I’m going to pack my bags and prepare things in case I do have to leave Mexico in a rush. It’s the smart thing to do and I’m going to advice my roommates to do the same. And so I remember positive while I’m swining.
It was a pretty tough semester, but it’s finally done. I ended up taking an incomple on Finance because I didn’t do too great on the second test; bad enough that I needed a perfect score on the final to actually pass the class and how likely is that on a multiple choice test? Well, for me… very unlikely. I know it doesn’t sound very hard to do, but I have no luck if I ever needed it to be on my said. I’m like the Murphy Law in itself: if it can go wrong for me, it will go wrong. In any case, I’ll take the class again probably this coming year during the summer. I’ll be studying abroad for three semesters, but the first semester ends around may so I’ll take the class either during the month of June or July and hopefully be able to schedule things so I can still take a trip with my mom. She’d like to spend a week in Cancun with me and then two or three weeks in Europe or Asia. I think it would be a good time for the two us. Especially because I’ve only seen her for three days in almost 7 years.
Tomorrow I’m going to the Mexican consulate to get my student visa and from there it’s just a countdown till my departure. I already got my plane ticket and everything else I need. I am looking forward to Mexico. It should bring a lot of new experiences and a chance to travel again. I’ve spent way too much time in one place ever since I’ve been here in the US. Since I’ve been living in this country the problem hasn’t really been money, it’s been time. Somehow there’s never time. Either school or work is happening. Well like I said, I will be good to be in Mexico and life is not ridiculously expensive as it is here.
Lately, I’ve been getting these anxiety to want to fight somebody or hit something. I get angry for a minute and then the feeling goes away, or I control it. Anger is one of those feelings that I learned to control when I was younger. I used to get really angry at my mom for saying shit about me that wasn’t true and she never stopped. She never knew when it was enough. I honestly feel like saying all the shit she had to say about me and anyone else was and still is her self medicated therapy. My dad had his good moments too. I think he felt like he was some god and he tried to exercise full control over everything I did. There was no freedom of expression. As far as I can remember all of the things I did that make me feel alive were behind their backs. But this is the past now. All I can do, if I ever get lucky enough to have my own family, is do better with the things they didn’t do right and continue doing the right things, which there are many.
So anger is a feeling I bottle, happiness I also know how to contain very well. I think my excitement for business is probably the one feeling I have no control over. I’m like a kid in a candy store when it comes to talking about all the things I’m planning on accomplishing and I’m sure people get tired of listening, but I can’t help it.
I’m rooting for the Democratic Party presidential candidate, Barack Obama, for reasons that go beyond his policies. He’s a strong candidate for the Presidency of the United States, yes I know, but even though he’s a democrat and I am a registered republican, he is still braking new barriers that might somehow affect me and that is a strong reason for my support. But I’m starting to think this race is going to be much tougher than what I originally thought it would be.
Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, couldn’t look and sound more like a soccer mom who’s not afraid to wear pants. She made something out of nothing on her introduction speech. I say that because she has accomplished relatively small things: she was the mayor of a small town in Alaska before becoming governor of the same state, this is not a remarkable curriculum for anyone running for Vice President of the United States, but what is impressive is how she can connect with the people.
She’s got 5 kids, the youngest child was born in April of 2008 and how Down Syndrome, the oldest and only son enlisted in the U.S. Army on 9/11 of 2007 and is on his way to Iraq on 9/11 of 2008, one of her daughters is 17 years old and pregnant, and will have her baby. She has been married to the same man for 20 years, her high school sweetheart… do I need to say more? She can connect with a lot of voters. I’m thinking about all the democrats, especially women, who were rooting for Hillary Clinton, who knows if they’ll end up even switching votes to another party, like I did, simply because Palin represents the voice of women across the nation.
My dad has been here the whole week and me, him and my brother have been hanging out. Every day we go all over the place looking for something to buy… I don’t really understand that concept, but I won’t oppose it as long as I get something for all the driving. Ha!
I’m sore as hell… I started working out again and yesterday I did for an hour and then played basketball for five hours, now I’m feeling it. It feels good to get back in the gym though, so I won’t even complain.
Right now I’m putting together some Bob Marley songs for my dad. He leaves tomorrow at 4:00 a.m. and I’ve been promising him these CD’s for a while, so now he’ll have them. One thing I wanted to do was put together a DVD for my mom so she could see how we’re living here in San Diego, but I don’t have enough time. Maybe I’ll put it on YouTube so they can see it. There are options.
My dad called. He calls pretty often these days. He wanted to see how everything was going and let me know that he’s sending money for me and my brother. I could hear music in the background and he was repeating everything I was saying so I could tell there was someone else in the room. It was my mom. After years of not talking, they recently started talking again and they both seem happier. I’m happy for them and whatever they decided as far as wanting them getting together… to me is like whatever. They will always be my parents and that’s what’s important. Like I said, whatever makes them happy.
When I was growing up there were times I wanted my parents to get a divorce. It would have made things a lot easier for me. I would have only had to deal with one instead of two every time I did something wrong. Sometimes I would get separate punishments from them. How is that fair?
I talked to my mom and she sounds good. I don’t talk to her as often as I do with my dad. If they don’t call, I don’t talk. I don’t know why, but I feel responsible for every woman in my life. Like I got to take care of them. As time keeps moving, I’m also starting to feel more responsible for my dad; and my brother now that he’s here living with me. I try to advise him without sounding bossy and I give him all the freedom he deserves. I just don’t want him to have to go through some of the bullshit I’ve had to go through the almost six years that I’ve been here in the U.S.
My report: I rented this movie because I saw it had comments from Russel Simmons, Whoopi Goldberg and Damon Dash in it. I wanted to know how black people in power felt about the word nigger, and it turned out to be interesting.
The word nigger or nigga is used among black people in the U.S. in many different ways. When I first came to this country I only knew one meaning for the word. It is that same racial slur most people know the word by. But when I heard on T.V. and on songs, people using the word nigga so freely I thought maybe it is OK for anybody to use it. So I tried using the word, but every time I did it just didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel right because in my brain there was already a symbol associated with that word. It also didn’t feel right because no everybody, not even all blacks, feel the same way about it. The first and only time I heard my mom use the word nigger, she used it as a derogatory term towards my dad (when he wasn’t in the room) because they were having an argument. And even then it didn’t make sense that my black mom would try to insult my black dad by using the word nigger… they’re both black! It’s like this one time I was fighting with my older brother so I called him an “hijo de puta,” a common insult in Panama that means “son of a whore.” You see where the problem is? We’re brothers! By calling him a son of a whore, I was calling my own mother a son of a whore. As soon as I said, my brother smiled at me and said “we have the same mother you dumb ass,” we both laughed and that was the end of the fight. Never again did I use that same phrase on any of my brothers.
Here is my problem with the world nigger: it divides people. It divides blacks from all other races, and what’s most important, it divides blacks who are against the use of the word nigger from those who favor it. If you ask me, I would say the use of the word today in Hip Hop is mainly serving the same purpose it did when it was first used on blacks. I heard Chris Rock, a black comedian, say that there are black people and then there are niggers. I say niggers are blacks. He was trying to say that a nigger is a dumb black person who is ignorant and likes being ignorant, they like to “keep it real.” I am against his way of thinking because, again, it does nothing but cause more division.
I’ve heard people say that “nigger” is a racial slur, but “niggaz” isn’t. What? That is confusing, and the truth is that it is just another way to try to make the word OK. In Hip Hop lyrics, the word nigga is used all the time. These lyrics are not being heard by black kids, they are being heard by every race and culture on the planet. As artists, we black people are telling the word that it is OK to use the word nigga, but many times when we hear non-blacks use the word we get mad, why? The reason why is because the word, in many ways, still holds the same meaning it had many years ago.
The word nigga is a double standard and at the same time a form of empowerment. To the black person it could mean “I will use the word nigga because I want to, and no white person is going to tell me I can’t,” it could also mean “the word nigga is for us black people ONLY to use,” or “I am better than that other black person who looks just like me.” If you are a black person using the word nigga, you are using it to rebel or distinguish yourself. Either way, the true outcome is division.
I choose not to use the word nigga because it divides. If I use it it will be in a sense of unity amongst black people and knowing that everyone in the room is comfortable with the word. I truly love my race too much to help shred it apart. I don’t care what nobody, aside from all blacks, think of the word “nigga”. Let’s get our own black culture to unite so we can have a unanimous vote.
Rating:
About it: The biggest names in show business come together to offer their opinions on one of the most inflammatory words in the English language in filmmaker Todd Williams’ revealing and thought-provoking documentary. In its long and complex history, the word “nigger” has gone from a cutting and derogatory racial slur to a term of endearment frequently used by African-American youth culture. Though the word has in a sense been “taken back” by the very people that it targeted, it still has the power to anger and enrage when taken out of its new context. As a variety of celebrities including Quincy Jones, Russell Simmons, George Carlin, Damon Dash, and Bryant Gumbel offer their opinions on this polarizing word, the taboo of language is broken to reveal an ever-changing society that is constantly attempting to make sense of a dark past while simultaneously attempting to build a brighter future. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide
What I like: her eyebrows, the dark long hair with the light colored eyes. She’s seems very girly, knows how to dress good and has a nice smile. Still she doesn’t seem to be one of those girls that would spend way too much time getting ready to go out. From the pictures that I’ve seen she doesn’t dress for people to look at her, I would say it’s always about what she wants to wear. Her dresses are not usually tight or very short and I like that she can switch it up like that.
What I don’t like: I don’t know anything about her. I know her father was a football player for the Jets, but about her I know nothing, except she has/had a t.v. show with her mom.
If I’m right about the way she dresses and her personality, I wouldn’t mind getting to know her better.
I just finished reading the first chapter of the Autobiography of Malcolm X. After watching Lupe Fiasco talk about Malcolm X and Martin Luther King, I decided that it was important for me to know more about Black history in America.
I can see how Malcolm X became the man that he did. With so many of his family members dying on the hands of white men by the cause of race, I think most people would feel the same way but few might be able to express it. In understanding Malcolm’s past I’m also coming to understand a little better why I am the way I am today: my mother’s constant criticism and complaining, both of my parents strict ruling which sometimes turned physical and let no room for independent actions. There really is no wondering.
Malcolm X wrote he was proud he never raised his hand to his mom. I have to admit I did once, but my father was there to keep that hand from touching her and I’m greatful for that. I had to hear my mom say things about me that weren’t true all the time. She would make up stories in her mind about how I was stealing money from her, that I was good for nothing, call me a “piece of shit”, plant shit on my dad’s ear so he would get angrier at me than what he usually was and when things got physical between my dad and I, my mom was right behind my dad cheering for him because I “needed to be thought a lesson.”
I’m not saying I was an angel, but I didn’t deserve what I got. Nobody does. I grew up without affection, hugs and kisses. When I came to live in the U.S. and spent more time around other families and saw how sisters, brothers and parents hugged and told each other how much they loved them I was puzzled. I couldn’t understand why they were doing it, especially so often. My mother had never told me that she loved me except once and she did it on a piece of paper written in French - “Je T’aime” - and I could count with one hand the number of times I made physical contact with my parents any given year, and I’m talking the touch of a hand or something not hugs or anything deep.
I am a much better person today. I know how to talk to people and be social, even though I do it in an academic sort of way. I know when to smile, when to listen, what to say and what not to only because I think about it while I’m doing it and I know what it usually instigates on the other person, not because it comes natural. I can look at people face to face and I have no problems hugging or being close to someone else. And after taking so much shit talking from my mom I’ve developed a barrier against words. They don’t move me, but I’m learning that this could be as bad as it is good. People tend to abuse, let themselves go and try to step over if I don’t say something back on time. I refuse to let anyone call me a “nappy headed FSR (Financial Services Representative)” and do nothing. I will not turn the other cheek nor will I act out of anger.
Acting out of constant anger is where I think Malcolm X went wrong. I think it keeps us sometimes from making smart decisions. But I will continue reading the book before I make final statements. All I know is that I don’t want to be a part of a circle of constant battles. I will step in it if I have to though just to get shit straight, but I want to be able to concentrate on myself. So don’t push and everything will be OK. Show love.
New York Times Book Review, Robert Boone: It behooves us to read, and even reread Malcolm's book, and especially the last five chapaters, which describe the transformation that took place in his mind and heart after his break with Elijah Muhammad and the Black Muslims.
Sure enough… I spent time studying B.I.G. and learned something new. Now I’m actually writing lyrics. I’m writing the second verse for a song I’m calling “I Will Be Back”. The song addresses my family, devoting a verse to my mom, one to my dad and the last one to my brothers. Each one talks about different issues and stays within the message of me coming back to visit them. It’s good practice. I like it, but it’s probably not something most can relate to. That’s OK cause I feel like I have to make this song. After I finish on “I Will Be Back” I’m going to start working on “One Night Stand”.
I got my video camera today. I already made a quick test video, but I’m working on getting the software to be able to open it on my computer add a splash screen at the start and end of the video. Make it look all professional and shit. I got this feeling right now of moving forward, which I love, I pretty much always feel this way but usually I don’t feel like I’m moving this fast. Ever since I stopped working, I have all this time to actually do what I want to do. I wish it could always be like this, but realistically next week I’m going to have to start looking for a job. A part-time job that is. I’m not killing myself anymore. I need to focus more on the things I really want to do.
Yesterday I talked to my grandma for the first time in almost 20 years. I didn’t know what exactly to say when I called because I didn’t think she would know who I was, but she did! I was very happy to hear her voice and hear that she’s getting better. She had a complication with a tumor and it was thought she was not going to be able to live much longer.
At the end of our conversation she said “I love you” and that sealed the deal for me. Just hearing those words from her made me feel part of something bigger. I have many cousins, uncles and aunts from my mother’s side of the family but she doesn’t like us talking to “the Clarkes”, as she calls them. Personally, I know I’m only 26 but I’ve grown up to forget people and live my life. I don’t know exactly what happened in the past, but it has been affecting my mom’s everyday present for a very long time. There’s an anger and resentment that has been building up for way too long and it’s very hard to stop now.
I’m going to talk to my uncle and make time to go see some of my family in Florida. I have to go see them. I want to know how they look now and what they are doing. Aunt Linda is spending some time with my grandma in Florida right now. She is the only other member of my mom’s part of the family that lives in Panama. We chatted for a little while and she sounded great. She seems very sparky and invited me to get to know the family better. Her daughter and sons, my cousins, are all doing well also.
Me and my brothers have always been kept so distant from the rest of the family, I think it’s ridiculous. That’s no way to live and I’m not doing it anymore. I’m old enough to make my own decisions and the Clarkes happen to be a half of me.
About what I wrote on 2/5, I just found out Katie went to Texas and Kentucky with her mom and that guy is a blues singer who probably just wants her. But I’m still not good with the way I feel. I think it’s because I’m helpless. The ball is on her side of the court and even when I make things work out my way I don’t like it cause it has to come from her without me interfering. I know I make sense, but hopefully I’m writing it right.
I’ve known her for years now and just looking at her picture still makes my heart beat faster… Still when it comes to what I want to accomplish in my life I have to do it my way. She’d be happy with a steady guy with a regular job and good income. But I’m looking for a lot more than that. And I need someone that is willing to stand by my side with that. It’s all going to happen, trust me on that. I guess I’m like a George Bush when it comes to my ways: you are either with me, or against me.
I feel responsible for my family back in Panama, the wife and the children that I will hopefully one day have. It’s like I need to make things happen. Financially I have to be able to provide for my mother, my father, my brothers if they need me to and even my aunts and cousins.
It would be a very special day for me when I fly down to Panama and surprise my family. I will tell my dad he doesn’t have to work anymore. That he can retire for the second and last time. Give him money that will make any of his material wishes come true. Whether it is to open a bakery or build a church. And if he doesn’t want to open a bakery, I’ll open one in his name.
I will go to my mom’s house and tell her that the mortgage is paid. Create a trust under the family name and give everyone monthly allowances so they can relax and do anything they want to do.
I’ll buy a house in Barbados and give a key to every member of the family. Sponsor a trip around the world for my big brother Alfredo so he can learn as many languages as he wants. And offer my little brother Alexander the opportunity to build a hospital in Panama under the family name.
I will give my future wife the wedding of her dreams, financial security, shopping sprees and anything she wants as long as she does one thing for me: be my half. That means she will never do anything to hurt me. And by “me” I also mean my children and my birth family. She can rest assured I will do the same.
I will do all of these things because I love my family.
The older I get and the more experience I get. I understand how important it is to feel loved rather than be loved and also to have at least one other person you can love the same way.
I’ve said many times before that I didn’t feel loved for a very long time. I didn’t start learning how to express my feelings, be social, be able to give hugs or used the words “I love you” until I was about 21 years old.
I was seriously lacking in the area of communication and expression of feelings. Being defensive and acting with constant aggression is where I was comfortable. It just has to do with the way I grew up. My parents are not bad people, but they’re not gifted in the area of socializing or being affectionate either.
Becoming an independent young man and separating my self from the rest of the family at an early age was to me a very good thing. Thanks to my first girlfriend, Tracy, I started learning how to communicate. And yes, it was very uncomfortable for a very long time. I still remember the stupid fights we used to get into because I could not communicate effectively. I would hold all my anger inside and let it out in just one single emotional blow, with so many mean things to say that by the time I was over, she was crying herself insatiably, not knowing where to turn and wishing she was dead. And then I was happy. Happy because she was suffering the way I had suffered all my life, when, as a little boy, I cried myself to sleep listening to songs like “Hero” from Mariah Carey’s CD. Wishing a hero would come and rescue me. Tell me I was adopted or something of that sort and I was going home now. And I no longer had to hear the constant verbal abuse from my mom, or put up with my dad’s “power trips”. I’ll have more to say about that later on, right now I just want to tell Tracy and every other person I hurt with my attitude and struggles at the time that I am sorry. And I know some of you have already forgiven me.
Cosmo thinking: I swear there’s something wrong with her.
Mom: Don’t talk to me that way!! Get your ass up, turn off the TV and go study. Now!! You always in that little world of yours, like if there was nothing else in life.
Cosmo: WHAT!! My world is not little. Who do you think you are talking to me that way? I happen to be taller and stronger than you mom, I can destroy you if I wanted to, so you better watch your mouth.
Mom slaps Cosmo
Cosmo Stares at his mom and he looks really angry. His mom looks at him intimidated…
Mom: I’m getting your dad on the phone, you are out of control.
I have one day living at home again and I already want to leave. I’m tired of it; tired of listening to all the “stupidness” that my mom has to say about me to other people and to me.
While I was gone, she called at least one of the neighbors to tell them of how I left home for more than two weeks. “It can’t be a young girl” is what she’s saying now referring to the girl (Tracy) that went to Costa Rica with me.
I have to find a way of financing my expenses and fast. I think she took a roll of film from me and developed it, just to see what was on the pictures.
She insists on the fact that I stole money from her, and I know I haven’t. She has told so many people about that, but I don’t even care. And she’s the one with the Holy Spirit in her.
I just got into my house for the first time in two weeks. I had a conversation with my dad about how I didn’t obey to what he asked me to do and how I should not answer to my mom or look at her in a bad way.
Everything is the same at home. It’s like a ritual that can’t be broken. Sunday morning everybody gets up, have breakfast and go to church. After church the critics come back to live. I wonder how much of what the people that go to church hear is actually absorbed and put to practice.
I’m still in Panajachel, Guatemala and I’ve seeing some of the most beautiful sites in my life. If I had to describe everything I’ve seen today with one word, it would be “amazing.”
I was trying to see the sunset this afternoon with Tracy, but that never happened since there were mountains covering the view. Nevertheless it was a wonderful view.
We went to San Pedro, which is a village (one of them) that’s close to the Atitlan lake. We did horseback riding, and went to the beach. We did some relaxation at the thermal waters in San Pedro, and it was nice and everything, but I have seen better.
This is our last night in Guatemala and tomorrow night we should be in El Salvador; making our way back to Costa Rica. Tracy is going to spend some time there but I have to go back to Panama.
It is going to be quite an adventure getting back to Panama, seeing my mom’s face, and then getting up next morning to go to college.
I’m really glad I decided to take this trip, and I think I already said this, but I’m truly happy.
So what’s better? To not have a mom and feel sad because you don’t have one every time you remember her or to have one that is constantly making you mad or sad every time you remember her? I guess none.
Everybody goes through some difficulty at some point in life, but the “secret” is in learning from the past and trying not to make the same mistakes in the future. It’s possible even if you are an exceptional person to learn from other people’s mistakes.
When I think of my mom sometimes, I believe that she’s the way she is because she never got to do what she really wanted to do. Well… she didn’t really do what she had planned for herself always. I think she lived her life according to other people, and I believe that’s no way of living. I don’t want to have the same life, I want to be able to look back ans say “Yes, I was happy with my life then, and I’m happy now.” I want the certainty that if I die today I had my share of happiness.
