I feel like people still don´t know who I am and what I want to do with my life. It´s that little boost I need from just one good product. It could be a music track, a successful restaurant, whatever. I need to catch that wave and ride it for as long and as hard as possible. People need to see in order to believe, and I need them to believe in order to feel good. Because without people who believe I can´t sell and get rich, or create art and be famous. Pretty simple I think.

I need to put myself in the front line though. Start making good music, open the damn business even if it costs me a lot of money and time. It´s the only way anything is ever going to happen.

In a few days I´ll be 28. I still feel the same about myself so that´s good. One day maybe I´ll feel like most grownups: give up my dreams and be “responsible.” Find a job and all that shit. For now I just want to keep doing what I feel like doing, which I don´t think it´s a bad thing at all.

It was a pretty tough semester, but it’s finally done. I ended up taking an incomple on Finance because I didn’t do too great on the second test; bad enough that I needed a perfect score on the final to actually pass the class and how likely is that on a multiple choice test? Well, for me… very unlikely. I know it doesn’t sound very hard to do, but I have no luck if I ever needed it to be on my said. I’m like the Murphy Law in itself: if it can go wrong for me, it will go wrong. In any case, I’ll take the class again probably this coming year during the summer. I’ll be studying abroad for three semesters, but the first semester ends around may so I’ll take the class either during the month of June or July and hopefully be able to schedule things so I can still take a trip with my mom. She’d like to spend a week in Cancun with me and then two or three weeks in Europe or Asia. I think it would be a good time for the two us. Especially because I’ve only seen her for three days in almost 7 years.

Tomorrow I’m going to the Mexican consulate to get my student visa and from there it’s just a countdown till my departure. I already got my plane ticket and everything else I need. I am looking forward to Mexico. It should bring a lot of new experiences and a chance to travel again. I’ve spent way too much time in one place ever since I’ve been here in the US. Since I’ve been living in this country the problem hasn’t really been money, it’s been time. Somehow there’s never time. Either school or work is happening. Well like I said, I will be good to be in Mexico and life is not ridiculously expensive as it is here.

Man I got the worst haircut yesterday. I don’t know what the barber was thinking. He didn’t really got anything right from what I asked him. The thing wasn’t evened out nor did it look right. I asked for short sideburns and not even that he got right. The worst part is that I paid $10 and I feel like I lost on that one, and I don’t like losing…

As soon as I got home I just cut off my fro. I wanted a tape-up, but after the hair gets to a certain length it gets harder to do. If the barber doesn’t know much about making that kind of haircut then he/she is going to mess it up. Oh here is a lesson: don’t cut your hair with a barber that doesn’t have a comb for it. That should have been a warning.

On the positive side of the day, I shopped around for car insurance today and I think I’m going to be saving a lot of money on my car insurance. No… it’s not them, in case you’re wondering. I’m cutting off ties with them, actually.

I did terrible on my Operations Management test and I feel terrible because I know the material, but I was so confident that I was going to do fine that I didn’t study enough and it’s only a 50 minute class so there isn’t a lot of time to think on each problem. I know now for all future tests…

Bullen Tea is coming along nicely. I work on it every day and get something accomplished. I’ve got this whole Business Empire figured out in my head and I need to get it out and for it to be real.

I was thinking about the reason why people get married and it really seems to me that marriage comes out of necessity. The problem is not that marriage comes out of a necessity, but which necessity. Everything we do is basically attached to a necessity: we go to restaurants so we can eat and satisfy our hunger because we feel the need to stay alive, we buy $150 pair of jeans because we feel the need to look trendy and part of a group. That’s just how life is, without needs there wouldn’t be one. People get married out of the need to feel safe, or have kids, or do what the rest of the world seems to be doing around the same age. All of these are wrong reasons to get married.

I’ll give you an example from a guy’s perspective. Let’s just say a guy (we’ll call him Leonardo) is young and no desire to start a family anytime soon, has money, is good looking and gets girls with ease. Why would he want to get married if he feels he’s got everything he needs? It doesn’t make any sense right? Well I’ve heard many young girls in their twenties with a job, that looked good and had no plans to start a family that they just “want to have fun” and tell their boyfriends they need their “personal space.” It’s just how things work.

My brother Alex asked me today why I thought people who don’t go to college usually get married long before those who do, and my answer was out of necessity. I’ve heard of girls who get married because they don’t want to work, or study. They feel they love their boyfriend and their desire is to stay home and raise children. The problem is when we don’t consider our options. We blind ourselves thinking that what is infront of us is all we are ever going to want in life. A few years later we might feel very different about the situation. Maybe by then is a little too late to go back to how things used to be. It happens all the time.

I think celebrities have a high tendency to divorce because they feel self sufficient. If a man and a woman who are married have their own money, life apart from their marriage, means to make more money and look good enough to find another husband or wife, then what’s keeping them from getting divorced? They got married in the first place because they felt they were in love with each other. The minute they stopped feeling that way and if there are no kids in between then there’s nothing making them work things out.

It’s probably better to marry someone you know is going to be a good mother or father than to marry someone you think will be a good wife or husband. Ideally you want to have both, but as I’m looking at things right now, I think parenthood is more important and hopefully in measuring my future wife’s parenting skills I won’t be blinded by love. Not that I want to get married anytime soon. I’m a young man who’s good looking and I feel I can get any woman I want. I’m still working on the money part.

My report: I can’t imagine how it must feel for a soldier to return home after risking his/her life fighting and not receive a warm welcome or any type of appreciation. I don’t know if I could ever do that. I’m just not good at doing things for the sole purpose of someone elses’ benefit or sacrificing my life for a little money. I respect those who do it and I wish them well. This was a good and entertaining movie. You do end up wondering what happens to everyone at the end of the movie. I guess there is a second part.

Rating:

About it: A 23-year-old Peruvian Navy veteran struggles to re-integrate himself into society only to hit a series of roadblocks both societal and psychological, in the feature directorial debut from Peruvian filmmaker Josue Mendez. Santiago Roman (Pietro Sibille) has just returned to Peru following six years of military service. Coolly received by his parents and unable to find a stable, well-paying job, the dejected Santiago’s attempt to further his education is quickly squelched when he discovers that his military pension doesn’t offer the money needed to pay his way through school. Though Santiago eventually lands a low-paying job as an inner-city taxi driver, his disdain for the scum of the city finds the formerly virile young soldier sinking into a deep-rooted depression. When a group of Santiago’s former military buddies hatch a plan to rob a local bank, the conflicted veteran must choose between an honest life of poverty and an act of desperation that could end in tragedy. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide

Part of the homework I was working on today for my Spanish class was reading an article by Cristina Peri Rossi and she believes that men love women that are superior to them and women also love men that they see as superior. It got me to thinking about it ’cause it just doesn’t sound right. No one with enough self esteem will actually admit that the reason she is with his or her partner is because they are superior. In fact, I think we all prefer to believe that we fall in love with people we see as our equal.

It’s not that we look at someone and feel they are superior, what we see is a person that can bring something to the table. Nobody likes having a partner they feel they are carrying or babysitting. We all want someone we can depend on and will have some qualities we either lack or are not as strong. This is the reason why men and women with money and fame prefer to marry someone like them. It is also the reason why men who have money, but are not very handsome will most likely marry a trophy wife and good looking women with no money are looking for men with deep pockets.

Like I said, it’s not superiority that makes a person fall in love. It’s that feeling of completion the other person brings. I think Cristina has some issues she might need to work on… she never used any names in her story, but she was way off about my feelings as a man.

Musiq

My old friend Steve from the desert just had his first child this past July 12th. He’s a healthy baby boy named after his father’s passion. I just hope everything works out for Steve and the family. I know how hard it is to try to make money, keep upgrading yourself and taking care of a family.

I talked to Steve for a while last Saturday and he was updating me on what’s been going on in his life. Steve is the kind of dude that is very talented, but somehow he ends up using those talents in not the best ways as far as I’m concerned, and I think he knows it too.

I’m trying to be a little more social and personal these days. For the longest time it has been about where I want to go and sacrificing to get there, but I’m starting to realize that being social is actually a very important part in reaching those goals many times. After all, it is people that are going to be buying whatever product or service I have to offer, and if I can’t convince them because I seem “off” then what’s the point in distancing myself from everyone around me and focusing so hard on making a good product?

Musiq

Last night I went to Tijuana. This time me and a group of friends went to a bar called Bourbon St. to listen to a friend’s band. The band didn’t turn out that good ’cause the crowd asked them to step down, but the place and the drinks were good. It was a nice switch from a regular night club.

After the bar we went to another bar the the “Plaza” en Tijuana. I’ve never been to the plaza before, but I do want to go again. There are a lot of bars there and many don’t charge a cover price. I don’t have a lot of money right now so I didn’t spend anything at the plaza. I saved the $10 I had left so I could eat some tacos afterwards. We went to the “Tacos del gordo,” which according to some local friends, they are not the best tacos but to me they are all good. I’m loving the tacos man…

Back from TJ I drove home and we ended up staying at a friend’s house playing “Turista Mundial.” The game is the same as Monopoly, but the Mexican version. I came home around 8:00 a.m. and slept until 6:00 p.m.

What makes a person tic? I often wonder why it is that I love business so much, but still I’m not sure why. I know that most people have something they feel passionate about and those who don’t are usually not happy living. I’ve made the mistake of thinking that what I like is truly the most important thing in the world and everyone else is stupid for not feeling the same way, but I’m sure everyone else feels the same way about what they do.

As much as I like to help other people, I know that being a teacher is not for me. I simply look at it as not too effective and it is usually not something I could use for the masses. I also don’t like to just give my money away hoping that it will help in some way. I’d rather take the time to develop systems or tools that can help a lot of people. For example, develop a system to scout for the best teachers around the world and hire them, teach them new techniques and monitor their work to help kids who don’t have the opportunity of a good education. Also develop new tools that are effective for learning. Like more visits to zoos, museums, videos and interviews with leaders in different fields that will leave a mark on a child’s brain. In other words, make teaching practical.

Man… I don’t know what makes me tic when it comes to helping people either, but I know that I feel as strong about it as I do about my business ideas. I really just want to help create positive changes on people that will endure for a life time. That will be the mission of “The Bullen Foundation.”

Like having money you mean? No, and I’m not saying it to be boastful. It’s just that I know that when you work hard and smart and you don’t give up, sooner or later you will get what you want. There’s always going to be people that doubt you on the way to the top and there’s always going to be people trying to bring you down. I just stay focused. Pay just a little attention to those that want to see you gone so I know who they are and how to keep them down, but 95% of what I do is about me and accomplishing my goals.

This is part of the project I’m working on right now for my Marketing class. It’s on ethics:

Company X has been barred from entering the market in a large Asian country by collusive efforts of the local bicycle manufacturers. The company could expect to net $5 million per year from sales if it could penetrate the market. Last week a businessman from the country contacted the management of Company X and stated that he could smooth the way for the company to sell in his country for a price of $500,000. If you were responsible, what are the chances that you would pay the price?

Just by reading this summary it seems Company X has more to gain than to lose from paying the businessman and selling in the foreign country. However, if this was a real life situation, I would need more information before I could make a decision:

1- What does the $5 million represent to the overall profit of the company worldwide? It could be that the company is neting over $100 million a year. If that’s the case then risking being on the bad side of the foreign country is not worth it. Bigger investment opportunities in the future with the country could be lost.

2- Who is this businessman? Is he reliable? What kind of contacts does he have? What happens if this man decides to double-cross the company? Could the company end up paying him more money? And what does “smooth the way” really mean? Will the company be able to enter the market or just be a step closer? I definitely need to know more about this person.

3- How much would Company X have to invest to enter the market? Are we looking to import or set a division in the country? I need to know what the company will be left with after all expenses are paid.

To me this is a numbers decision and not an ethical one. Be ethical to whom? If Company X is entering the market then it means local customers can expect to get same price as before or better. The government will continue to charge their taxes so they don’t have anything to worry about. If anyone is being unethical it would be the local businesses for not allowing a free market to prosper and the local people to get better prices at a greater quality. Company X would be creating new job opportunities, we are the good guys. As for the businessman, if he checks out to be trustworthy, then it’s 100k now and the rest when the job is done. Money.

Antonio Bullen

Dave Smith is developing an advertisement for a new housing development his firm is about to start. The development is located in a low area which has flooded in the past. The company has recently done some work to reduce the danger of flooding in the future. In the preliminary advertisement, Smith has included a statement indicating that the firm has solved the flooding problem. The fact is that if a flood occurs, the homes are still likely to be flooded with up to five feet of water. If you were Smith, what are the chances that you would include the statement in the advertisement?

Stop! What is Smith thinking? He has got to think about the long term image of the company. My number one rule is “everything is possible,” and in this case what is possible is not good at all. Sooner or later  the development is going to flood. What does he think is going to happen next? Let’s assume for a second the homes never gets flooded, he still has to live with the possibility that it could and the company could be in big trouble then. Unless he 100% solves the flooding problem, he shouldn’t say the problem is solved. Better yet, he shouldn’t say the problem is solved, period! Well… not unless people already know of the problem. Why tell people they would be buying houses in an area that could have been flooded? Smith is suicidal, he needs medical attention, STAT!

The chances that I would include the statement on my advertisement are zero. The chances that I would stop investing in homes on that property are very good, at least until the flooding problem is completely solved. This should have been taken into consideration before buying the land. This is not so much an ethical problem, but one of stupidity. What bank lent money to Smith? This is exactly why we are on a recession.

Antonio Bullen

Joan Brown is vice president of marketing for Tangy Spices, a large spice manufacturer. Brown recently joined in a private business venture with Tangy’s director of purchasing to import black pepper from India. Brown’s private venture is about to sign a five-year contract with Tangy to supply its black pepper needs, but the contract is set at a price three cents per pound above contracts available from other spice importers that provide comparable service and quality. If you were Brown, what are the chances that you would sign the contract?

First of all, there wasn’t a non-compete clause set by Tangy Spices? That was a big mistake. I was a little confused as to the roles Brown and Tangy are playing. If Brown is going to be importing and then supplying the black pepper to Tangy, then he’s got nothing to worry about. On the other hand, if Tangy is the one supplying to Brown, then he should never sign that contract. It doesn’t matter that he works for the company. Whomever is on the receiving end of the deal is going to lose and should not sign. The price is higher yet the quality and service are lower than the competition? That’s a no-brainer.

Ethics… where does it play on this one…? Well, buying low and selling high is not unethical, it’s business. Given that this is B2B, ethics are even less important. Businessmen should know better. Eventually somebody has to go out of business even if it is by getting duped. The party supplying the black pepper has everything to win, but it could also damage the relationship on the long term. Luckily they will have five years to come up with a solution.

Antonio Bullen
John Garcia is working in product development for an auto parts contractor. Garcia’s firm received a large contract last summer to manufacture transaxles for use in a new line of front wheel drive cars. The contract is very important to Garcia’s firm because prior to obtaining it, half of the firm’s employees, including Garcia, had been scheduled for an indefinite lay off. Final testing of the assemblies ended last Friday and the first shipments are scheduled for three weeks from today. As Garcia was examining the test reports, he discovered that the transaxle tended to fail when loaded at more than 120% of rated capacity and subjected to strong torsion forces. Such a condiditon could occur with a heavily loaded car braking hard for a curve down a mountain road. While the driver would not lose control of the car, the resulting damage to the car would cost several thousand dollars to repair. The manufacturer’s specifications call for the transaxle to carry 130% of its rated capacity without failing. Garcia showed the results to his supervisor and the company president both of whom indicated that they were aware of the report. If they did not deliver the assemblies on time, they would lose the contract. If you were Garcia, what are the chances that you would notify the auto manufacturer of the defect?

What’s that smell? Smells like something burning… Oh I know! That’s the rubber burning after my Bridgestone tires exploded! Sounds familiar? This is a simple case: Garcia’s company shook hands on 130% not 120%, they need to live up to their word if they plan to stay in business over the long term.

What the company needs to be doing is figuring out how much time it will take them to fix the problem and deliver the parts as contracted. Can’t deliver on time? Fine, setup a call with the auto manufacturer and let them know before the due date comes around, but not before having at least one solution for the problem on hand. After all, Garcia’s company has some leverage on this situation: they could argue that it would take them less time to fix the problem than it would take another company to start from scratch. They can even use this opportunity to build a better relationship with the auto manufacturer by reducing the price, of course, offer only if it came down to it.

Since the question was about Garcia, I would say he doesn’t need to notify the auto manufacturer. That is not his job. Ultimately it is not his responsibility, but that of his supervisor and the president of the company. What Garcia needs to do is make sure his ass is covered and find a new job. With contract or not, the company is already in bad shape. This Titanic is sinking, grab a life vest while you can and jump! Sooner or later this thing is going to “explode”, and Garcia needs to make sure he has prove he notified his superiors.

Antonio Bullen

Last night I went to a house party in Tijuana. It turned out good and it was a neat experience. Usually when I’m invited to go out I have this feeling like I don’t want to go, but lately I haven’t had that. I actually want to start talking more to people again and going out. It’s because I feel ready to do that again.

I’ve always said that I can’t be socializing when I know I’ve got personal things to take care of. Like developing skills and getting something I can use to get closer to my goals. I got the hold on socializing a while ago and it’s not a hard thing to do as long as we know what people need from each other. It’s actually pretty easy. I just got to figure out how to get more money so I can go out more. It’ll be OK. Not worried.

My report: Diddy can’t act that good, but I can tell he tried hard and I’m sure he’ll get better at it. It made me wonder how I would approach an acting career if I was already famous in another industry. Probably take very small roles so I can get used to it and grow from there… I wish the movie would have been more about succeeding in a business and becoming a doctor rather than just getting a house. I would have extended the story to include those successes and change the buying of the house to just a big defeat. Then the movie would have been about been knocked down and getting up again, and not becoming a raisin in the sun.

Rating:

About it: Sean Combs, Phylicia Rashad, Audra McDonald, Sanaa Lathan, and John Stamos all return to reprise the roles they originally played on Broadway in this made for television take on Lorraine Hansbury’s timeless play about a 1950s-era Chicago family longing for a better life. Walter Lee has died, and now his widow Lena Younger (Rashad) is about to receive a $10,000 check from her late-husband’s insurance company. Everyone in the family dreams about the ways their lives will be changed with the arrival of the money, family matriarch Lena - who longs to retire from her job as a domestic servant for a wealthy white family - in particular. Having lived in a one room tenement apartment ever since she and her late husband originally married, Lena is eager to purchase a house of her own and provide her family with a real home. Lena’s son Walter Lee, Jr. (Combs), currently employed as a chauffer, and has recently become taken with the idea of purchasing a liquor store as a means of solving his family’s financial woes. Like her mother-in-law, Walter’s wife Ruth (McDonald) is also a domestic servant for a white family, and dreams of the day she can walk away from her job. While Walter’s sister Beneatha (Lathan) strives to become a medical professional, tuition is expensive and she is currently being pursued by two men - wealthy but superficial George Murchison (Sean Patrick Thomas) and intellectual classmate Joseph Asagai (David Oyelowo). Much to everyone’s surprise, Lena uses the lion’s share of the money to purchase a home in the all-white residential neighborhood of Cllaybourne, splitting the remainder between Walter (for his entrepreneurial endeavor) and Beneatha (for tuition). Around the same time Walter loses his share of the inheritance to a smooth talking con man who claimed he could help finance the liquor store, the Claybourne “home improvement” association makes the discovery that the Youngers are black and sends emissary Mr. Lindner (John Stamos) to try prevent their neighborhood from becoming integrated by buying the house back. Now faced with the prospect of losing it all, Walter considers making a deal with Mr. Lindner in order to recover his losses. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide

My report: this was a great story. Proof that you don’t need to say much to get points across. I would have never watched this movie if it wasn’t for the 2007 Best Actor Academy Award. Before I knew about the award I kept looking at this movie rental store and thinking I’d like to see someday, but didn’t want to take my chances just yet. The cover was weird enough to call my attention, but not to rent it. The best thing is how the entire movie is wrapped around what people would do for money, anything from deceiving families, to accepting or denying Jesus.

Rating:

About it: Writer-director Paul Thomas Anderson steps outside his contemporary world of dysfunctional Angelenos to explore a very different dysfunctional man — an oil pioneer whose trailblazing spirit is equaled only by his murderous ambition. There Will Be Blood is Anderson’s loose adaptation of the novel Oil! by Upton Sinclair, and it focuses its attentions on Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day-Lewis), a failed silver miner who happens upon black gold during a disastrous excavation that ends in a broken leg. Pulling himself up from the bowels of the earth, both literally and metaphorically, Plainview embarks on a systematic and steadfast approach to mastering the oil business. Using plain-spoken and straightforward language, and accompanied by his young son, H.W. (Dillon Freasier), Plainview launches a campaign to convince small-town property owners they should let him drill their land. Without him, they won’t have the equipment to access the profit beneath their feet. He builds an empire this way — and gradually becomes obsessed with the intrinsic value of power, growing increasingly irascible and paranoid in the process. Plainview meets his match in Eli Sunday (Paul Dano), a teenage preacher in the small California town of Little Boston, whose brother tipped Plainview off to the town’s plentiful supply of untapped oil. To fully reap the benefits of the land, Plainview must suffer the opposing whims of this “prophet,” whose legitimacy is questionable at best. And it’s unclear either man is prepared to pay the humiliating price the other wants to exact. There Will Be Blood features an anachronistic percussive soundtrack by Radiohead’s Jonny Greenwood, and it was shot in the same town where the James Dean epic Giant was filmed. ~ Derek Armstrong, All Movie Guide

My report: It was alright. The whole story was predictable from beginning to end, but it got me thinking about how careful we all need to be. In my HIV class last semester we talked about how women were rapidly getting infected with the disease because of men that go behind the backs of their girlfriends/wives and sleep with other men. This is not just a homosexual disease, it’s an everybody disease. Men and women need to always use protection. I won’t deny I’ve done some stupid shit in the past. I’ve been lucky and I’m not jeopardising my life again.

Rating:

About it: At the time of its release, Jonathan Demme’s Philadelphia was the first big-budget Hollywood film to tackle the medical, political, and social issues of AIDS. Tom Hanks, in his first Academy Award-winning performance, plays Andrew Beckett, a talented lawyer at a stodgy Philadelphia law firm. The homosexual Andrew has contracted AIDS but fears informing his firm about the disease. The firm’s senior partner, Charles Wheeler (Jason Robards), assigns Andrew a case involving their most important client. Andrew begins diligently working on the case, but soon the lesions associated with AIDS are visible on his face. Wheeler abruptly removes Andrew from the case and fires him from the firm. Andrew believes he has been fired because of his illness and plans to fight the firm in court. But because of the firm’s reputation, no lawyer in Philadelphia will risk handling his case. In desperation, Andrew hires Joe Miller (Denzel Washington), a black lawyer who advertises on television, mainly handling personal injury cases. Miller dislikes homosexuals but agrees to take the case for the money and exposure. As Miller prepares for the courtroom battle against one of the law firm’s key litigators, Belinda Conine (Mary Steenburgen), Miller begins to realize the discrimination practiced against Andrew is no different from the discrimination Miller himself has to battle against. The cast also includes Antonio Banderas as Andrew’s partner, Joanne Woodward as Andrew’s mother, and Stephanie Roth as Joe’s wife. ~ Paul Brenner, All Movie Guide

What I like: her eyes, skin, lips, eyebrows, chin. She’s from Barbados, I love that and the accent. I like her tits just the way they are. I hope she doesn’t ever do anything to them. I think she’s naturally beautiful and doesn’t need anything to look good. She has a tight body, but she’s young so who knows how she’ll look a few years from now. A lot of girls start getting bigger between 25 and 30 I would say. If Rihanna can avoid the overweight at least until she’s 30 then amen.

A little side note: I think most people start getting fatter with age, but what I hate is when people don’t do enough to change what they don’t like about themselves and get mad at people like me who like something they don’t have. If you’re happy with what you’ve got then great, there’s somebody that likes you just the way you are. Don’t try to change my opinion about what I like. I’m turning 27 and my body is starting to get fatter, so every day I’m spending an extra 30 to 45 minutes on the treadmill keeping that weight off. I also have to watch what I eat a lot more. I didn’t have to do all that before. See what I mean?

What I don’t like: I’m particular about the legs. They need to be shaped just right and hers are not. I also think she’s got a little bit too much forehead.

I want Rihanna to get real big from a business/money point of view. For some reason I feel like she’s being duped a lot and I hate to see that happen to her, if it’s true. If I ever meet her and she can get over my comments about her forehead, I wouldn’t mind helping her out.

Rihanna's official website

Rihanna on Wikipedia

Saturday was the day that me and Tracy had planned to go to El Valle. I was more exited about the idea of being away from home than going on a trip with her. I really didn’t think of her in a sexual way. I guess it was my innocence.

Somehow we ended up meeting a Native American girl from Saskatchewan, Canada, Louise was her name I believe. Ha… I just remembered having the hardest time trying to say her name right. My English then was not as good as it is now. but anyways, on the way to El Valle we exchanged a lot of interesting stories and got to know each other a lot better. This is, by the way, one of the coolest things about traveling: getting to meet people from other cultures and learning from them. I love that. There we were, a white girl from California, a Native American girl from Canada and a black guy from Panama, all speaking in our own accents and getting along just fine. I would really like for everyone in this world to get the opportunity to experience other cultures and countries.

I had been to El Valle many times before, so I took them to the zoo and we had a nice walk around town also. I remember being worried the whole time because I hadn’t told my parents where I was going. I knew that if I would have asked, they would have given me the usual answer: no. So I had stopped asking for permission on many things for a while now. I would just go places behind their back and hope that I could make it on time for my parents not to find out what I had done.

Tracy, Louise and I were having a good time and before we knew it, I had to catch the last bus home. The two girls were thinking about spending the night and they enjoyed my company and wanted me to stay, which I did. They had already paid for a room at a cabaña, which is like a hostel but you get your own private room with a shower and bathroom. The owner of the cabaña had charged the two girls about $20 for the night. She had said that if I was staying there would be an additional $5 charge. I was trying to stay in without having to pay, but when the last bus back to the city had already left and she saw me there, she didn’t miss the beat and charged me. I mention this because at the time it seemed like a lot of money to me. I had taken that trip with about $11. It always amazed me how people would come to Panama and spend money quite freely, especially if they were from the U.S.. Now I know why.

That night the girls had the big idea of going salsa dancing. I wasn’t into that idea because I was the only guy. If one or both of them got drunk or whatever, it’s all on me. But I wanted them to have a good time, so we went down to this local bar and hung out for a good while. I just kept looking everywhere and watching their drinks. The whole bar was full of guys and a few were brave enough to come talk to us. They would try talking to me in English first to try to figure out which one I was dating. As soon as I replied to them in Spanish they would feel more comfortable and had a few more friends join the conversation. The girls didn’t really get what they wanted ’cause it wasn’t really the kind of bar you go to salsa dance. I was actually glad. We bounced from there, the girls bought a cheap bottle of wine and we headed back to the room…

Yesterday I was telling a friend how I really want to start making big money, so I told her I wanted to be a rapper. She said to me that I was a little late on that one because most artists start young and it’s not so much what they sing, but who they know in the business. She says that’s why some songs that should never be on the radio, make it there.

I never really thought about the need to know people in the music industry that much. But it makes sense. I woke up this morning and the first thing that came to mind was that and ever since she said that I’ve been having this feeling that I need to make things happen now. I feel confident about my business skills, but I have no product that I can sell right now. I want to sell my music, but I feel I’m not at the quality I need to be yet. I’m working on it.

My dad called. He calls pretty often these days. He wanted to see how everything was going and let me know that he’s sending money for me and my brother. I could hear music in the background and he was repeating everything I was saying so I could tell there was someone else in the room. It was my mom. After years of not talking, they recently started talking again and they both seem happier. I’m happy for them and whatever they decided as far as wanting them getting together… to me is like whatever. They will always be my parents and that’s what’s important. Like I said, whatever makes them happy.

When I was growing up there were times I wanted my parents to get a divorce. It would have made things a lot easier for me. I would have only had to deal with one instead of two every time I did something wrong. Sometimes I would get separate punishments from them. How is that fair?

I talked to my mom and she sounds good. I don’t talk to her as often as I do with my dad. If they don’t call, I don’t talk. I don’t know why, but I feel responsible for every woman in my life. Like I got to take care of them. As time keeps moving, I’m also starting to feel more responsible for my dad; and my brother now that he’s here living with me. I try to advise him without sounding bossy and I give him all the freedom he deserves. I just don’t want him to have to go through some of the bullshit I’ve had to go through the almost six years that I’ve been here in the U.S.

My Report: It was a good story. Many things made me think about how things are in Panama, like how all houses have steel fences to keep away strangers and intruders. It could be a true story about corruption, but not one to remember. It was missing the extra drama effect. It would have been good if the movie would have had more details on the drug business. Like how the drug packages were picked up from the seas and who picks the up in the U.S., things like that. Also include scenes with the actual bribes of politicians would have been good.

Rating:

About it: Functioning as an unofficial Spanish-language equivalent of Steven Soderbergh’s muckraker Traffic (2000), co-directors Ricardo Mendez Matta and Poli Marichal’s meller Thieves and Liars traces the web of drug money-related corruption inherent in the Puerto Rican socioeconomic climate. As in the Soderbergh ensemble picture, Marichal and Matta interweave a number of socially relevant stories on various levels of Puerto Rican society - all about the movement of drugs from the Third World to Puerto Rico to the States. In one substory, Puerto Rican man Oscar (Steven Bauer) - in an attempt to gain revenge for the death of a friend - rubs out a drug boss, and thus sinks to a level every bit as dirty and shameless as his victim. In another, two young men, Cheo and Miguel, use drug money to support their needy grandmother. In a third, single mother and airport worker Wanda Velez (Magda Rivera) attempts to navigate her way through the byzantine Puerto Rican legal system, taking on the fly-by-night company that manipulated and conned her. And in still another substory, adolescent Luisito (Carlos Paniagua) teeters on the verge of self-destruction with illegal drug use, despite the constant admonitions of his concerned mother. ~ Nathan Southern, All Movie Guide

Last night I had the bright idea of practicing my rhymes by writing poems. So today I did the first one and I actually didn’t take much time. I was in my accounting class and bored and this is what I came up with:

Variable Expenses and Cost of Goods Manufactured
I have to hear it in the Tuesday morning lecture
They’re teaching the tools I need to work for the rich
Are you serious? I don’t plan to be a bitch

I could give two fucks about inventories and overhead
Show me what it takes to be rich instead
They tell me if I sit in class with a whole bunch of dummies
By the time I get out I can double my pennies

Believe me, I’m fighting to get real money till the day I die
I’m making my money here on Earth or in the skies
Next to Jesus they say, that’s where he’s waiting for me
So I’ll repent from my sins, then sell crack to the kids

The only good thing in class right now is the professor
She’s got a cute little ass I wouldn’t mind tapping into
Hmmm… I hope she’s got a shaved tight pussy
And those perky little tities, I will suck them silly

Hello! I guess it’s time to go
The class has been dismissed so I’m ‘o go home.

Peace

I was making small talk with the professor after class. She’s a TA so she’s really young. I told her I wasn’t into the class today so instead I wrote a poem. She laughed and said nobody seemed to be into the class. Damn it I wanted her to ask me about the poem. Just to see her reaction. If I could I would have sucked them tities silly right there in the classroom.

When I first came to the U.S. from Panama, I remember I had $30 in my pocket. I crossed the border with my dad and my little brother and we stayed for a couple of days in Miami before my dad and brother went back to Panama because my brother was still studying down there. I hopped into three more planes and went down to live in California with Tracy, now an ex-girlfriend. If it wasn’t for my dad giving me a check for $700, I don’t know how I would have made it that first month. But nevertheless I was still broke.

My first memory when I arrived in California was of me going to this fast food joint called “In-N-Out”. Tracy had picked me up from the airport in Los Angeles and it was a two hour drive till we got home. I was thinking that the food was only going to bring me down maybe $6. At least that’s what I would have paid in Panama. But I remember how worried I got when I heard it was over $10. I couldn’t believe it. Now I just think it’s funny, but back then coming straight out of Panama that was like a slap on the face. I mean, we are talking a third of my money, gone in one meal! And I still had 29 days to go with that cash.

I gave Tracy the check my dad gave me and she deposit it to her bank account. I’m no sucker though, I just trusted her like that.  It paid for my half of things that first month and after all, she had been waiting for me to get my green card for more than a year and a half. It was hard to communicate with people because their English was too fast for me to understand and there were so many words I didn’t know. Not to mention my accent was hard for others to understand to. I usually had to repeat things two or three times. Tracy was good for me though. I was like a little kid absorbing everything around me. From how to use a debit or credit card to pay at a grocery store to how to get a job.

I can’t forget that not everybody likes the same things. Depending on who I show my lyrics, they might say they are really good or they are not. I showed a friend of mine, Steve, my lyrics and he thought they were funny as hell. Shit… he had to call his girlfriend in the room so she could read them too. It’s all good, they are expecting more of a hardcore lyric talking about “nigga I got money and I’m better than you” kind of shit.

Steve works on making beats too, and he’s trying to start a business out of that so I was paying attention to the recordings he’s made so far with local artist and it’s exactly what I’m saying. They come to Steve’s home studio and get to spitting on the mic about having money, hoes and whatever. Sounding just like the next cat is how you don’t get recognized. I know this and I’m not changing my style. I’m just too different in my own way to be someone else. I’m the kind of guy people should either laugh at or admire. You pick.

I was just reading about Benazir Bhutto’s assassination. It’s amazing to me how little I know about what is going on in the world today. I’m so concerned with my future right now while there’s people all over the world that are concerned not with what tomorrow brings, but today.

When you are hungry and there isn’t anything to eat, you want something to satisfy your hunger today, not tomorrow. When your country is at war and your life is constantly in danger, you are concerned about making it today.

America, in a way, is too pretty. I live what is considered by many a surreal life. But this is the kind of life we should all be living and much better actually. I still got bills to pay and little money to spare, let’s keep it real. But I got options. I can lose my job and get into financial troubles and still I have options available to get out of trouble. Find a new job, sell a few things, get a loan, whatever…

I don’t know how things can be leveled to the point where all of us here on Earth are not worrying about food and health. Those are just basic needs that should never be denied. It should be like the air that we breath.

This is something that I’ve had in the back of my mind for a long time now. So I’m going to start writing about it whenever I can. I’ll look for solutions with that entrepreneurial soul of mine. It can be done.

got some money… spent some money… tried to invest some money…. now i got no money…. so i’m getting more money… my dad wants me to finish college… my girlfriend wishes i had money to spend on her… my mama won’t call… and my work… is where i get my money… but i don’t want to go no more…

so i work every day for that money… so i can take my girlfriend out… and i go to college when i leave work… so my dad can be proud of me… and maybe if I do everything right… my mama will call someday…