When it seems like the world looks at you as if you’re supposed to be a fuck up. When your own parents tell you you’re a fuck up. When nobody believes in yourself… shit gets really hard to handle. It would be much easier to be done with life as I know it. I was supposed to end my life many years ago anyways. The only reason why I’m still here is because I believe in myself. I believe some day soon I’ll be everything I dreamed I would ever be. I believe I’m already becoming what I’m meant to be.

Right now I wish for the whole world to go fuck itself. For everything bad I represent even before I was born, before I had a chance to speak for myself, before they even asked me my name.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about these things. Year after year, day after day, I deal with looks that turn into words and then into actions. I can stand quietly in any corner of any street in the world and I can still ’cause a reaction on most people. Make them tuck their purses, make them smile, make them cross the street, almost never nothing happens. At least not for the past 28 years I’ve been alive.

I feel like my parents should have made my life easier for me growing up. I don’t think they did. I would trade my parents and all the scars they inflicted in my mind just for peace. These scars I try to hide every day. Every fucking day of my life I tell myself “shit is alright”, “shit is going to be better”… I’m tired of talking to myself, padding myself on the back and I don’t want anybody to feel sorry for me either. I just want everything and by now I should have something, but I don’t feel like I do.

And then I think: I shouldn’t even be writing this shit down, ’cause this is how the world is and life doesn’t deal everybody a good hand. If my life was a game of poker I’d say I was dealt a 9 and a 3. A 9 for having parents who stuck together and provided a steady income for the family, and a 3 for being black.

Happy fucking New Year…

Tags: 28 years, game of poker, new year, parents, peace, purses, scars

I’m tired of this shit. It doesn’t matter what I try it’s another failed attempt. It’s like I’m always trying to get something going, trying to be really successful and get rich, have the fame, everything and whatever and nothing really works for me. Meanwhile, I see other people just doing whattever: go to school, get a job, retire. And with all these they get to have fun in between. I don’t know if what I’m doing is just plain stupid. I’ve spent so many nights, countless hours of my life developing skills that have not paid off so far. I’ve never had a fucking birthday party, I haven’t celebrated Christmas since I was a kid and the New Year always starts in front of my computer in the middle of another great idea…

Whenever I do something like going to a club or spending time with friends, I end up feeling like I wasted my time. Like I could have been learning something or come up with the greatest idea. Not to mention that I also feel like I wasted my money. I feel like I just use people for what I need. And who knows, maybe that’s what we are all doing, but I know that every time I talk to someone is not for the hell of it. If I’m talking to someone then I have a goal. Here’s a life secret: I keep tabs on everyone. I know how much most of the girls I fucked cost me before I fucked them. And I get my money back from my buddies one way or another. Most of the time I’m thinking about money first.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I don’t want to be what I am right now, but I also don’t want to be what others are. I think that’s what it is. There is no other way for me to look, but get what I really want. And that’s just everything that symbolizes success: money and recognition for my work.

I see Katie’s pictures on Myspace and I feel so many different things. It’s like I’m happy for her, but I’m also sad about it. I hope she never reads this, but I still love her. Sometimes I wish I could just forget about her. The way I think she’s moved on, but I really don’t want to. I see the good in her and it’s much bigger than the bad things. In relationships, I’ve parted ways before and I was OK with it. I never wanted a girl back like this. I know I need to forget about her, but how? I’ve done the usual, fuck some chick and you’re done right? Shit I’ve tried to get back into dating, but I’m not into it right now. I don’t like how much she affects me without even wanting to. She’s not good for me. I need her out of my life completely because she’ll never be what I need.

She called me a few weeks back and tells me she was wondering how I was doing, that we should get together some time soon. She tells me she’s going to see her brother in Kentucky but never mentioned she was going to Texas. Now there’s some comment from a guy in Texas asking her how was the rest of her trip, WHAT THE FUCK!! I don’t need this shit. I don’t want anyone fucking with my mind. I don’t know if I’m being punished for all the wrong things I’ve done before, but I think I’ve had enough.

I can’t wish I would have never fell in love with her because it was a wonderful feeling, but now I just need to get out. It’s pathetic. I have no control of myself and I hate it. I’m hating everything about this and still I can’t hate her. I’m writing this shit and I’m still thinking about surprising her with something for Valentine’s Day, and we broke up something like six months ago. Like I said, pathetic. This shit never happened to me before. I need out. This is some fucked up shit.

Tags: Antonio, birthday party, buddies, Bullen, christmas, countless hours, failed attempt, fame, girls, hell, job, many different things, money first, myspace, new year, spending time, tabs