When it seems like the world looks at you as if you’re supposed to be a fuck up. When your own parents tell you you’re a fuck up. When nobody believes in yourself… shit gets really hard to handle. It would be much easier to be done with life as I know it. I was supposed to end my life many years ago anyways. The only reason why I’m still here is because I believe in myself. I believe some day soon I’ll be everything I dreamed I would ever be. I believe I’m already becoming what I’m meant to be.

Right now I wish for the whole world to go fuck itself. For everything bad I represent even before I was born, before I had a chance to speak for myself, before they even asked me my name.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about these things. Year after year, day after day, I deal with looks that turn into words and then into actions. I can stand quietly in any corner of any street in the world and I can still ’cause a reaction on most people. Make them tuck their purses, make them smile, make them cross the street, almost never nothing happens. At least not for the past 28 years I’ve been alive.

I feel like my parents should have made my life easier for me growing up. I don’t think they did. I would trade my parents and all the scars they inflicted in my mind just for peace. These scars I try to hide every day. Every fucking day of my life I tell myself “shit is alright”, “shit is going to be better”… I’m tired of talking to myself, padding myself on the back and I don’t want anybody to feel sorry for me either. I just want everything and by now I should have something, but I don’t feel like I do.

And then I think: I shouldn’t even be writing this shit down, ’cause this is how the world is and life doesn’t deal everybody a good hand. If my life was a game of poker I’d say I was dealt a 9 and a 3. A 9 for having parents who stuck together and provided a steady income for the family, and a 3 for being black.

Happy fucking New Year…

My report: who would have thought Rambo could still be good? The blood scenes were original. I’ve never seen bloodshed like the ones I saw in this movie. Silverster Stalone didn’t try to play a young guy who could still do it all, that was the best part. Rambo was the same GI he’s always been, but wiser and not exactly looking for confrontation. I remember a scene from the old movies were Rambo heals a battle wound by sticking a heated knife inside of him… I didn’t see anything like that on this one and that’s a good thing. No love scenes either, it was all about the the interruption of the legendary Rambo trying to live a peaceful life on his own means. Nice.

Rating:

About it: When a group of missionary aid workers in Myanmar disappear into the vast green inferno, vigilante Vietnam War veteran John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) leaves his job as a Salween River boatman behind to accompany a group of mercenaries on a daring rescue mission. It’s been 20 years since Rambo helped mujahedeen rebels fend off Soviet invaders in Afghanistan, and these days the former soldier lives a simple life in northern Thailand. Meanwhile, the world’s longest-running civil war rages into its 60th year on the nearby Thai-Burma border. One day, human rights missionaries Sarah Miller (Julie Benz) and Michael Burnett (Paul Schulze) show up asking Rambo to guide them up the Salween so they can get some much-needed food and medical supplies to the desperate Karen tribe. According to Sarah and Michael, the Burmese military has planted land mines all along the roads leading into the tribe’s village, making it virtually impossible to reach the tribe via land. Two weeks after Rambo drops the group off in dangerous territory, pastor Arthur Marsh (Ken Howard) arrives with a chilling message: the aid workers never returned from their mission into the jungle, and the embassies refuse to help Marsh and his fellow missionaries find their missing friends. Now, despite the fact that Rambo has long since sworn off all forms of violence, the knowledge that innocent missionaries are being used as pawns in a brutal war leaves him with no other choice than to venture behind enemy lines on his most dangerous mission to date. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide

The RWS final was easy. I know I’m good on that class and now I’m about to go study for the next one: Micro Economy on Monday. Economy and Accounting are going to be the hard ones. At least I know that even if I don’t do well I will pass the Econ class.

I’m well rested. I ended studying until about 5:00 a.m. then took a couple hours nap, studied some more and did my exam. I’m going to eat something now then head out to the library. I’ve had some good thoughts about things to write, but I’m pushing for good grades right now so I’ll probably go back to writing more after this week.

Peace…

Last night I had the bright idea of practicing my rhymes by writing poems. So today I did the first one and I actually didn’t take much time. I was in my accounting class and bored and this is what I came up with:

Variable Expenses and Cost of Goods Manufactured
I have to hear it in the Tuesday morning lecture
They’re teaching the tools I need to work for the rich
Are you serious? I don’t plan to be a bitch

I could give two fucks about inventories and overhead
Show me what it takes to be rich instead
They tell me if I sit in class with a whole bunch of dummies
By the time I get out I can double my pennies

Believe me, I’m fighting to get real money till the day I die
I’m making my money here on Earth or in the skies
Next to Jesus they say, that’s where he’s waiting for me
So I’ll repent from my sins, then sell crack to the kids

The only good thing in class right now is the professor
She’s got a cute little ass I wouldn’t mind tapping into
Hmmm… I hope she’s got a shaved tight pussy
And those perky little tities, I will suck them silly

Hello! I guess it’s time to go
The class has been dismissed so I’m ‘o go home.

Peace

I was making small talk with the professor after class. She’s a TA so she’s really young. I told her I wasn’t into the class today so instead I wrote a poem. She laughed and said nobody seemed to be into the class. Damn it I wanted her to ask me about the poem. Just to see her reaction. If I could I would have sucked them tities silly right there in the classroom.

I decided on a bag of m&ms and a card and this is what I wrote her…

wHen the sun comes out and the birdies sing
A happy day was meant to be
a Place of fun this world can be
when People love and keep the peace
awaY with hate is what I say
cast a Vote for Marvin Gaye!
And this day will pass,
but the Love will stay
lEt this be a day
wheN beautiful things are said
That make you smile and nothing else
I wish you happiness
No matter what…
Eminems in the morning
juSt for you I bring