I just woke up to a nice little email from Tracy. She asked me to post her email so I will. This post, like the previous one, is not about dissing her. This whole website is about my life and what I learn from my experiences. If I ever write about something I knew wasn’t the truth then the lie would be on me. I would rather not write until I was ready to do so or just not do it. I don’t have to.

It is sad, but true: when you have friends to support your decisions whether they are good or bad and you don’t take the time to think things through, you end up missing on the learning that would have come out of the experience. Haven’t we’ve heard this type of great support before? “Fuck her, you just need to get laid,” “He’s a jerk, you can do better than that,” “Men are such assholes,” etc. What do friends know? Do they know and appreciate the boyfriend who helped take care of the girlfriend’s nephews the best way he knew how for several months? Or do his friends understand how much he appreciates his girlfriend for taking care of him and showing him around when he had just moved into a new country and the whole world seemed like new again? These are the types of personal connections that make boyfriend/girlfriend relationships hard to walk away from and that friends don’t understand or sometimes even know they exist when they try to help. It is definitely not a bad thing to have friends, but unless we start assuming responsibilities and taking complete control over our lives, friends are more of an obstacle to the process of becoming a better person.

Look at both sides of the coin. Somebody treated you wrong? Yeah, no doubt he or she might be a jerk, but what can you do to avoid that from happening again and with anyone else? Look into the things you can control to make yourself a better person. Yes, I have cheated and didn’t know how to communicate my emotions, but I’ve been practicing and learning about myself and I’m a better man now. I don’t get in relationships with girls if I don’t feel I can make a full commitment, and as far as communicating my emotions, well trying really hard and this blog have done wonders for me. I think I explained my perspective pretty well on I Believe in Two Sided Coins.

What else can I say? I wish Tracy the best, but unless she starts putting her emotions aside and depending so much on other people for moral support, nothing is ever going to change. Through my own experiences I’ve found that sometimes it’s good to take a break from life as I know it and look into myself to find the things I do wrong and fix them. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I make no assumptions and I don’t feel like I know it all either. If I knew it all then I wouldn’t do anything wrong in the first place. I am my worst critic and my best teacher at the same time. The truth, that’s all I want. That way I can start understanding and making things better for myself.

Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like Tracy ever read the comment I posted a few days later on What Goes Around Does Come Around or the post on Waiting and Cheating. All there is to this whole thing is that because of my relationship with her I’ve become a better person. At this point there is nothing else that matters or that I want from it. I took the time to step away from my own ego, looked at everything from her perspective and I learned from the things where I was the problem. As for the things where she was the problem, I just look for girls that don’t have the same ones.

Here are her emails:

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On October 17th Tracy wrote:

Hey, I’ve been thinking about you lately…  How’s life?

I’m really sorry about the way I treated you.  I hope you’re really happy and feeling succussful.  Write to me sometime if you feel like it. 

Tracy

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On October 22nd I wrote about her email on What Goes Around Does Come Around.

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On November 29th Tracy wrote:

I was surfing the web and ran across your website.  Here are the true facts:  #1 I’m not lonely!!! #2 I apologized because I was trying to be nice, but the truth is you were an absolute asshole to ME during our relationship!!!  #3  What goes around comes around??? Then I guess you must have had or will have a girlfriend who cheats on you and is emotionally unavailable.

I certainly wasn’t trying to start things back up with you Antonio.  The thought has never crossed my mind.

POST THAT!!!

Part of the homework I was working on today for my Spanish class was reading an article by Cristina Peri Rossi and she believes that men love women that are superior to them and women also love men that they see as superior. It got me to thinking about it ’cause it just doesn’t sound right. No one with enough self esteem will actually admit that the reason she is with his or her partner is because they are superior. In fact, I think we all prefer to believe that we fall in love with people we see as our equal.

It’s not that we look at someone and feel they are superior, what we see is a person that can bring something to the table. Nobody likes having a partner they feel they are carrying or babysitting. We all want someone we can depend on and will have some qualities we either lack or are not as strong. This is the reason why men and women with money and fame prefer to marry someone like them. It is also the reason why men who have money, but are not very handsome will most likely marry a trophy wife and good looking women with no money are looking for men with deep pockets.

Like I said, it’s not superiority that makes a person fall in love. It’s that feeling of completion the other person brings. I think Cristina has some issues she might need to work on… she never used any names in her story, but she was way off about my feelings as a man.

I’ve always thought that we can all learn a lot from just looking at animals and how they behave. It makes me wonder about things like marriage. So far, I haven’t heard of one single animal, besides humans, that spend more than half their lives with the same companion. On one hand we end up frustrating ourselves, at times we want to “kill” that other person because they get on our nerves and it is expensive. On the other hand, if things to workout then life can get a little easier, having kids is a lot easier and better for the children and hopefully when we get old we’ll still have someone to share memories and good times with. OK that’s the whole concept of marriage and monogamy which is not very popular in the animal kingdom, but right now I was thinking more about courtship.

Look at the way lions court females. Usually the male has to try more than once to get the female. The same concept applies to humans, but when is enough trying enough? When are males supposed to say: “OK, this one doesn’t want me and I better move on”? Right now my thinking is that the decision is completely up to the male. It’s something that I’m still thinking about so I may change my opinion

This is part of the project I’m working on right now for my Marketing class. It’s on ethics:

Company X has been barred from entering the market in a large Asian country by collusive efforts of the local bicycle manufacturers. The company could expect to net $5 million per year from sales if it could penetrate the market. Last week a businessman from the country contacted the management of Company X and stated that he could smooth the way for the company to sell in his country for a price of $500,000. If you were responsible, what are the chances that you would pay the price?

Just by reading this summary it seems Company X has more to gain than to lose from paying the businessman and selling in the foreign country. However, if this was a real life situation, I would need more information before I could make a decision:

1- What does the $5 million represent to the overall profit of the company worldwide? It could be that the company is neting over $100 million a year. If that’s the case then risking being on the bad side of the foreign country is not worth it. Bigger investment opportunities in the future with the country could be lost.

2- Who is this businessman? Is he reliable? What kind of contacts does he have? What happens if this man decides to double-cross the company? Could the company end up paying him more money? And what does “smooth the way” really mean? Will the company be able to enter the market or just be a step closer? I definitely need to know more about this person.

3- How much would Company X have to invest to enter the market? Are we looking to import or set a division in the country? I need to know what the company will be left with after all expenses are paid.

To me this is a numbers decision and not an ethical one. Be ethical to whom? If Company X is entering the market then it means local customers can expect to get same price as before or better. The government will continue to charge their taxes so they don’t have anything to worry about. If anyone is being unethical it would be the local businesses for not allowing a free market to prosper and the local people to get better prices at a greater quality. Company X would be creating new job opportunities, we are the good guys. As for the businessman, if he checks out to be trustworthy, then it’s 100k now and the rest when the job is done. Money.

Antonio Bullen

Dave Smith is developing an advertisement for a new housing development his firm is about to start. The development is located in a low area which has flooded in the past. The company has recently done some work to reduce the danger of flooding in the future. In the preliminary advertisement, Smith has included a statement indicating that the firm has solved the flooding problem. The fact is that if a flood occurs, the homes are still likely to be flooded with up to five feet of water. If you were Smith, what are the chances that you would include the statement in the advertisement?

Stop! What is Smith thinking? He has got to think about the long term image of the company. My number one rule is “everything is possible,” and in this case what is possible is not good at all. Sooner or later  the development is going to flood. What does he think is going to happen next? Let’s assume for a second the homes never gets flooded, he still has to live with the possibility that it could and the company could be in big trouble then. Unless he 100% solves the flooding problem, he shouldn’t say the problem is solved. Better yet, he shouldn’t say the problem is solved, period! Well… not unless people already know of the problem. Why tell people they would be buying houses in an area that could have been flooded? Smith is suicidal, he needs medical attention, STAT!

The chances that I would include the statement on my advertisement are zero. The chances that I would stop investing in homes on that property are very good, at least until the flooding problem is completely solved. This should have been taken into consideration before buying the land. This is not so much an ethical problem, but one of stupidity. What bank lent money to Smith? This is exactly why we are on a recession.

Antonio Bullen

Joan Brown is vice president of marketing for Tangy Spices, a large spice manufacturer. Brown recently joined in a private business venture with Tangy’s director of purchasing to import black pepper from India. Brown’s private venture is about to sign a five-year contract with Tangy to supply its black pepper needs, but the contract is set at a price three cents per pound above contracts available from other spice importers that provide comparable service and quality. If you were Brown, what are the chances that you would sign the contract?

First of all, there wasn’t a non-compete clause set by Tangy Spices? That was a big mistake. I was a little confused as to the roles Brown and Tangy are playing. If Brown is going to be importing and then supplying the black pepper to Tangy, then he’s got nothing to worry about. On the other hand, if Tangy is the one supplying to Brown, then he should never sign that contract. It doesn’t matter that he works for the company. Whomever is on the receiving end of the deal is going to lose and should not sign. The price is higher yet the quality and service are lower than the competition? That’s a no-brainer.

Ethics… where does it play on this one…? Well, buying low and selling high is not unethical, it’s business. Given that this is B2B, ethics are even less important. Businessmen should know better. Eventually somebody has to go out of business even if it is by getting duped. The party supplying the black pepper has everything to win, but it could also damage the relationship on the long term. Luckily they will have five years to come up with a solution.

Antonio Bullen
John Garcia is working in product development for an auto parts contractor. Garcia’s firm received a large contract last summer to manufacture transaxles for use in a new line of front wheel drive cars. The contract is very important to Garcia’s firm because prior to obtaining it, half of the firm’s employees, including Garcia, had been scheduled for an indefinite lay off. Final testing of the assemblies ended last Friday and the first shipments are scheduled for three weeks from today. As Garcia was examining the test reports, he discovered that the transaxle tended to fail when loaded at more than 120% of rated capacity and subjected to strong torsion forces. Such a condiditon could occur with a heavily loaded car braking hard for a curve down a mountain road. While the driver would not lose control of the car, the resulting damage to the car would cost several thousand dollars to repair. The manufacturer’s specifications call for the transaxle to carry 130% of its rated capacity without failing. Garcia showed the results to his supervisor and the company president both of whom indicated that they were aware of the report. If they did not deliver the assemblies on time, they would lose the contract. If you were Garcia, what are the chances that you would notify the auto manufacturer of the defect?

What’s that smell? Smells like something burning… Oh I know! That’s the rubber burning after my Bridgestone tires exploded! Sounds familiar? This is a simple case: Garcia’s company shook hands on 130% not 120%, they need to live up to their word if they plan to stay in business over the long term.

What the company needs to be doing is figuring out how much time it will take them to fix the problem and deliver the parts as contracted. Can’t deliver on time? Fine, setup a call with the auto manufacturer and let them know before the due date comes around, but not before having at least one solution for the problem on hand. After all, Garcia’s company has some leverage on this situation: they could argue that it would take them less time to fix the problem than it would take another company to start from scratch. They can even use this opportunity to build a better relationship with the auto manufacturer by reducing the price, of course, offer only if it came down to it.

Since the question was about Garcia, I would say he doesn’t need to notify the auto manufacturer. That is not his job. Ultimately it is not his responsibility, but that of his supervisor and the president of the company. What Garcia needs to do is make sure his ass is covered and find a new job. With contract or not, the company is already in bad shape. This Titanic is sinking, grab a life vest while you can and jump! Sooner or later this thing is going to “explode”, and Garcia needs to make sure he has prove he notified his superiors.

Antonio Bullen

My report: this is not the kind of film the average movie person would like. The first half of the film is very boring, or serious I should say. It start getting more interesting on the second half, but don’t expect major action. I liked the end. I think it’s necessary to understand the history behind what was happening in order to really appreciate this movie. The entire movie was in German.

Rating:

About it: A man who has devoted his life to ferreting out “dangerous” characters is thrown into a quandary when he investigates a man who poses no threat in this drama, the first feature from German filmmaker Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck. It’s 1984, and Capt. Gerd Wiesler (Ulrich Mühe) is an agent of the Stasi, the East German Secret Police. Weisler carefully and dispassionately investigates people who might be deemed some sort of threat to the state. Shortly after Weisler’s former classmate, Lt. Col. Grubitz (Ulrich Tukur), invites him to a theatrical piece by celebrated East German playwright Georg Dreyman (Sebastian Koch), Minister Bruno Hempf (Thomas Thieme) informs Weisler that he suspects Dreyman of political dissidence, and wonders if this renowned patriot is all that he seems to be. As it turns out, Hempf has something of an ulterior motive for trying to pin something on Dreyman: a deep-seated infatuation with Christa-Maria Sieland (Martina Gedeck), Dreyman’s girlfriend. Nevertheless, Grubitz, who is anxious to further his career, appoints Weisler to spy on the gentleman with his help. Weisler plants listening devices in Dreyman’s apartment and begins shadowing the writer. As Weisler monitors Dreyman’s daily life, however (from a secret surveillance station in the gentleman’s attic), he discovers the writer is one of the few East Germans who genuinely believes in his leaders. This changes over time, however, as Dreyman discovers that Christa-Maria is being blackmailed into a sexual relationship with Hempf, and one of Dreyman’s friends, stage director Albert Jerska (Volkmar Kleinert), is driven to suicide after himself being blackballed by the government. Dreyman’s loyalty thus shifts away from the East German government, and he anonymously posts an anti-establishment piece in a major newspaper which rouses the fury of government officials. Meanwhile, Weisler becomes deeply emotionally drawn into the lives of Dreyman and Sieland, and becomes something of an anti-establishment figure himself, embracing freedom of thought and expression. A major box-office success in Germany, Das Leben der Anderen (aka The Lives of Others) received its North American premiere at the 2006 Toronto Film Festival. ~ Mark Deming, All Movie Guide

Anybody wanting to be somebody will find the need to take a stance. I’m talking about firmly believing in something. Whether that believe is good or wrong is up to subjective interpretation that translates into the potential outcome of that particular stance. Sometimes we pay with our lives and other times we get the glory it deserves. You will never lead, nor will anybody ever follow your lead if you don’t first believe in yourself. People just don’t like to lean on rotten trees.

Now, as a leader, if we want to make good decisions there are three steps we need to follow:

1. Know the problem: I know it sounds stupid, but many times we make wrong decisions because we don’t understand the problem.
2. Know the ins and outs: we don’t always have the luxury of having the time to figure out the causes to all effects, that’s why practice makes perfection and experience is wisdom.
3. Make up your mind: and more importantly, stick to it. Don’t ever change your mind while you’re making your stance. You shouldn’t if you did a good job on step 2. Also, never doubt yourself while you’re fighting your case. Again, you shouldn’t if you did a good job on step 2. If you forgot to take something into consideration while you were on step 2, then wait until you’re by yourself and then start doubting, change your mind if you have to then make sure you state why; and be prepared to lose credibility as a leader. It’s that whole thing about the rotten tree again. Nobody said leading was easy.

One of the reasons why we live unhappily is because we are not willing to make the right decisions. All three steps necessary to make good decisions don’t take into consideration something that to all of us is very important: emotions. The more we can separate ourselves from our emotions the better our decisions can be. Too many of us have been unable to get out of bad relationships simply because we let our hearts take over. Emotions are such a strong part of our lives that just about everybody is using them to influence the decisions of others.

Stand tall and strong like a tree when you believe in something and don’t let anybody change your mind when you believe it’s good.

Ah yes… I’m finally over the hardest part of the semester. How did I do? I don’ really know yet. I feel like I did pretty well, but we’ll see when the waves come in. I got the last exam exam on Saturday for my Spanish class. Luckily, yo hablo un poquito de español so it shouldn’t be a hard test. I’m kidding, it’s my first language, bitches…

Relationships man… they are the key to a lot of things. People always go easier on you when you’ve got their emotions on your side. I have a reason for saying this, but I promised my professor I wouldn’t tell. Ya dig?

Even if it seems like it, what I’m about to say now is not related to the previous paragraph: I just discovered Facebook. I mean, I’ve had an account for a while, but I never actually gave it a try. Now I see the power it has to connect with old friends. I mainly use Myspace, but what I like about Facebook is that it makes it so easy to find people I know. I just had to put in some major events that go on in my life like high schools and universities and it found a whole lot of people I know from the past and the best part is that it tells me when I may know somebody else.

I had forgotten all about my friends from Panama. Looking at all those faces it makes me realize how much I left behind when I came to the U.S., how many people I actually know from around the world even though I’m always simplifying my life and how good looking I still am. A lot of them have gotten fat. I’m not even going to try to sugar that. Some of them were already ugly so they got nothing to worry about.

This one friend I found was always tall and skinny. The kids used to laugh at her because she was so skinny. Now I see her photos and I know nobody making fun of her now. I remember she was so excited to ware a bra. In classroom she told me once that she was and let me take a peek. She used to let me watch her get undressed in the ladies locker room after gym class. One time I got caught coming out of there and the professor gave me a detention. That meant I got to stay in school doing some bullshit for however many days my punishment was. It was one of my first detentions and I must have been in 7th grade. Having to stay in school extra long on birthday wasn’t fun. I remember that. Ha!

I see some of my old friends are married. Some pursued their dreams and are actually making them happen. Some I can tell have the same personality they always used to have… shy, friendly, cool, whatever… Some have also moved to other countries and still study just like me… It’s good to see everybody doing well.

Things started getting more and more interesting by the minute back in the room. After drinking the cheap bottle of wine, which tasted horrible but what did I know back then, it was the first time I tasted wine, Louise called it a night and me and Tracy stayed up on the terrace talking. Getting to know each other better.

I remember the conversation was real smooth even up to the point we first kissed. I’m trying to remember how it went exactly, but I can’t. Maybe it will come to me one of these days. I do remember staying up all night ’till the sun came out, just making out to the point my lips were numb. Good lord, I don’t think I have the patience or excitement to do something like that again. That was high school stuff and even though I was already in college to me it was what I should have done in high school, but never did. I was nineteen and that kiss was what I consider my first real kiss. No “I dares” or other type of external pressure. Just a nineteen-year-old guy and a twenty-five-year-old girl getting together because they wanted to.

We didn’t talk about that night again. But the next day we were holding hands on the bus back to Panama City. Again, like high school kids, I guess now we were together… ha!

It was the beginning of the love I’ve discovered for the female body. It’s like they say: once you’ve had it you can’t go without it. Something about the curves, the smoothness, the delicacy and the smell of a woman… I really don’t understand how women just don’t touch themselves all day.

A woman’s body is the most valuable piece of art in God’s gallery. You can admire it for it’s beauty and you can also use it to create more art.

Back in Panama I knew this guy, Ivan, from New York. He was in the country on a study abroad program, doing an internship for his bachelors degree and also learning Spanish. He was living with one of my friends from the neighborhood, Alejandro. One day Ivan told me some girl named Tracy from California had just moved into the same house he was staying at and that I should check her out. “She’s probably an easy fuck” is what he said. I met her and she didn’t catch my attention. There was just nothing that I saw as special at the time.

I saw Tracy again at the Spanish school Ivan was also going to and I ended up chatting with her for a while. We ended up making plans to go to a town called “El Valle”, which is in the countryside, about an hour or two from Panama city. It turned out to be a memorable day, but that’s another story.

My report: It’s not the typical movie. I think most people will find it strange and boring. It takes place in the 1940’s and it moves slowly. At points, the characters even sing. I watched it all, but I wasn’t really into it. I kept waiting for the woman acting as the whore to get naked, but it never happened. I didn’t appreciate the art…

Rating:

About it: Legendary Mexican director Arturo Ripstein explores the mundane and sexual obsession in 1940s Mexico in his 2002 film The Virgin of Lust. Introverted Ignacio “Nacho” Jurado (Luis Felipe Tovar) spends his days waiting tables at the Cafe Ofelia and his nights amongst his voluminous porno collection. His world is turned upside-down when a prostitute named Lola (Ariadne Gil) begins hanging out at the cafe. Nacho is immediately smitten with the whore, but Lola’s mind is focused on a very brutish wrestler who’ll have nothing to do with her. Lola, a natural sadist, recognizes Nacho’s penchant for being dominated and she begins to fully exploit this chance to unleash her cruelty on a willing recipient. As the relationship settles into its regular perverseness, Nacho is presented with what he sees as an opportunity to capture Lola’s heart completely — to become a macho revolutionary hero by assassinating Francisco Franco. The Virgin of Lust was chosen for inclusion into the Upstream program at the 2002 Montreal World Film Festival, winning a Special Mention prize from that program’s jury. ~ Ryan Shriver, All Movie Guide

After that first date I felt like I needed to clean up my act. The same way when a girl is coming to a guy’s house we start cleaning up, but just bigger. I had too much dirt on me. I didn’t even feel like I could kiss her until I got rid of everything else. I stopped talking to the girls I had in the works and I kept doing what I was already doing with the ones I had already gone through: ignore.

But still, the whole shit was just wrong. I would be talking to Katie and some chick would be calling a dozen times leaving hate messages. I never answered, but even the phone on vibe was getting old. I was dead set on getting Katie to trust me and winning her heart but something was always going wrong. She would find something or some dumb ass friend would call her the wrong name or some shit.

Another thing is that I had a weed habit that she didn’t like. I was smoking everyday-all day. To the point were sometimes I couldn’t remember her name. And that was fucked up because I really liked her, but there were a lot of other things I couldn’t recall fast enough. At work I would be talking to a client and forget the first half of the sentence I was in. Just have a complete brain fart and I would say that I had another call and would call right back. It wasn’t even fun anymore, I was probably spending a third of my day trying to remember things, so I had to clean up that shit too.

I asked her a couple of times to go out with me and she kept saying “no”. I usually ask just once, but for some reason I swallowed my pride. She finally agreed the third time. She told me later on that the reason why she said “no” the first two times is because of the places I wanted to take her. One time was this club called Zelda’s that it’s pretty ghetto, but they have good music and we just happened to be talking about clubs with good music so I tried to sneak in an invitation to go out with me. I think the second time was at another club, which was not ghetto, but still I could have done better. I don’t know what I was thinking. The third time I did it right though. I said I would pick her up, take her to a nice restaurant and a movie after that.

So I went to pick her up, but I never came out of the car. I did not want to meet her father or mother. I had gone out with some girl the week before and she had me meet her family. I felt like I was going to a prom or something. It was really uncomfortable and I didn’t feel like repeating that. So I just called her when I was in front of her house and told her I was out waiting. I know it’s not romantic, but it gets better. Like always, she was dressed to kill. She really knows how to work the looks.

On our way to the restaurant there was this noise coming from her side of the car. I could tell it was coming from the seatbelt hitting on the door and it was irritating the hell out of me so I reached over her to get rid of the noise. She thought I was weird for trying to get close to her that way… conceited.

I don’t know how it happened, but while we were talking over dinner that night, something about her started opening up my feelings. All of a sudden I was nervous and couldn’t eat, my mouth was dry and my heart was beating fast. I won’t even lie, I wanted to get up and run away as fast as I could. I realized the effect she was having on me and it was because she had too many good qualities. Too many of the things I want in a woman, but it was too early for me to find someone like that. I needed to have an excuse to be able to fuck and forget. That excuse never came, and I would have been stupid to not allow whatever was going to happen, to happen.

One night I saw her forming the line at a night club and it was just the perfect time for me to show off. Me and my buddies never had to form lines at clubs in the Palm Springs area, everybody had a connection. So when I saw Katie forming the line with two other guys I approached her and said “hi” and told her to get rid of the guys and I would get her in. I could tell she wanted to, but I could also see she was not that type of person. Those two guys deserved it though, they were like little kids acting all stupid.

I never saw her inside the club that night. She told me later that one guy was bounced for trying to come in with a can of beer or something like that. Well there you go…

I believe everything is possible, but the day I met Katie it was no love at first site. I thought she looked good and I wanted to get with her. So I made a mental note: “work on the brunette from the gym.” That was about it.

At the time I was all about having sex with as many girls as possible. Feelings towards someone else were something I hadn’t been experiencing for a while and honestly it was just what I needed to do at that time.

I think the first time I talked to Katie I asked her if I had talked to her before. I’m sure she thought it was my way of breaking the ice, but really… I was confusing her with another girl I had met at the gym. I wised up though. I quickly dropped the subject and got to knowing her a little better.

One of the things that I always liked about her was that I couldn’t read her mind all the way. Up to this day I can’t. She has this blank stare that she disguises with a smile and it just throws me off. Nobody should ever do that. A girl should either give me a blank stare meaning “what the fuck do you want” or smile and let me know it’s OK to talk to her. The blank stare is similar to Tim Duncan’s, you know, the basketball player… It’s probably not a good comparison ‘cause he’s a guy but that’s the only other person I’ve seen with that same look.