The Swine flu, yet another reminder of how quickly things can change. It was just a week ago when life seemed wonderful and everlasting. Then all of a sudden Mexico City is hit with an outbreak of the swine flu and 150 people so far have died. Now the concerns are high amongst the rest of us here in the country and bordering towns, and I’m wondering what’s going to happen during the next 3 months. Truth be told, I’m glad school has been canceled for the next week at least. I was getting tired of getting up and feeling like I was pretending to be interested in school, especially when I know my passion stands still on business and now socializing.

So now, because of this virus outbreak, we have international students heading back home, people everywhere on the streets wearing masks, a lot of people are paying close attention to the news and are wondering whether they should also go home, and like I mentioned before, school is out for at least one week. I’m not worried about much though. It does worry me that I can get infected, but if that is the case I know I can afford the best treatment available and have a good probability of not dying. I’m also worried that if this virus is not controlled soon, it will affect the number of exchange students coming to Mexico next semester and affect the business plans I had in mind. As for the rest, it is all good. There are only 3 weeks of class left and if my university of the US government decides it is better for me to return home, then I have an excuse not to do final exams. I am still planning on traveling during the summer and continuing my life as usual. Perhaps, I’ll even have time to visit my mom in Panama for a couple of weeks.

Today I’m going to pack my bags and prepare things in case I do have to leave Mexico in a rush. It’s the smart thing to do and I’m going to advice my roommates to do the same. And so I remember positive while I’m swining.

I just woke up to a nice little email from Tracy. She asked me to post her email so I will. This post, like the previous one, is not about dissing her. This whole website is about my life and what I learn from my experiences. If I ever write about something I knew wasn’t the truth then the lie would be on me. I would rather not write until I was ready to do so or just not do it. I don’t have to.

It is sad, but true: when you have friends to support your decisions whether they are good or bad and you don’t take the time to think things through, you end up missing on the learning that would have come out of the experience. Haven’t we’ve heard this type of great support before? “Fuck her, you just need to get laid,” “He’s a jerk, you can do better than that,” “Men are such assholes,” etc. What do friends know? Do they know and appreciate the boyfriend who helped take care of the girlfriend’s nephews the best way he knew how for several months? Or do his friends understand how much he appreciates his girlfriend for taking care of him and showing him around when he had just moved into a new country and the whole world seemed like new again? These are the types of personal connections that make boyfriend/girlfriend relationships hard to walk away from and that friends don’t understand or sometimes even know they exist when they try to help. It is definitely not a bad thing to have friends, but unless we start assuming responsibilities and taking complete control over our lives, friends are more of an obstacle to the process of becoming a better person.

Look at both sides of the coin. Somebody treated you wrong? Yeah, no doubt he or she might be a jerk, but what can you do to avoid that from happening again and with anyone else? Look into the things you can control to make yourself a better person. Yes, I have cheated and didn’t know how to communicate my emotions, but I’ve been practicing and learning about myself and I’m a better man now. I don’t get in relationships with girls if I don’t feel I can make a full commitment, and as far as communicating my emotions, well trying really hard and this blog have done wonders for me. I think I explained my perspective pretty well on I Believe in Two Sided Coins.

What else can I say? I wish Tracy the best, but unless she starts putting her emotions aside and depending so much on other people for moral support, nothing is ever going to change. Through my own experiences I’ve found that sometimes it’s good to take a break from life as I know it and look into myself to find the things I do wrong and fix them. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I make no assumptions and I don’t feel like I know it all either. If I knew it all then I wouldn’t do anything wrong in the first place. I am my worst critic and my best teacher at the same time. The truth, that’s all I want. That way I can start understanding and making things better for myself.

Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like Tracy ever read the comment I posted a few days later on What Goes Around Does Come Around or the post on Waiting and Cheating. All there is to this whole thing is that because of my relationship with her I’ve become a better person. At this point there is nothing else that matters or that I want from it. I took the time to step away from my own ego, looked at everything from her perspective and I learned from the things where I was the problem. As for the things where she was the problem, I just look for girls that don’t have the same ones.

Here are her emails:

———————————-

On October 17th Tracy wrote:

Hey, I’ve been thinking about you lately…  How’s life?

I’m really sorry about the way I treated you.  I hope you’re really happy and feeling succussful.  Write to me sometime if you feel like it. 

Tracy

———————————-

On October 22nd I wrote about her email on What Goes Around Does Come Around.

———————————-

On November 29th Tracy wrote:

I was surfing the web and ran across your website.  Here are the true facts:  #1 I’m not lonely!!! #2 I apologized because I was trying to be nice, but the truth is you were an absolute asshole to ME during our relationship!!!  #3  What goes around comes around??? Then I guess you must have had or will have a girlfriend who cheats on you and is emotionally unavailable.

I certainly wasn’t trying to start things back up with you Antonio.  The thought has never crossed my mind.

POST THAT!!!

A few days ago I received an email from an ex-girlfriend, Tracy. She wants to see how I’m doing and is “really sorry” about the way she treated me. I didn’t reply back and I’m not planning on it. I’m mentioning it because about five years ago when we broke up, I knew this moment would come.

She must be feeling pretty lonely now. She’s now 33 years old and most likely still not married. Probably still carrying the same problems she used to when we were together and now she must want a child more than ever. I wouldn’t be surprised if the reason why she thought of me is because someone close to her just had a baby. Maybe her good friend Danielle or one of her coworkers. It’s a far out theory, but because I know her and lived with her for a year I don’t think I’m too far from the truth.

What could I possibly want from her now? If it wasn’t for the way things ended I wouldn’t be in such a good place right now.

What goes around really does come around…

I just thought of a few things I learned from this last trip to Tijuana:

1. My Mexican friends and I use different dialects: I like to say Spanish is the same wherever you go except for a few words, but after seeing my friends talk amongst themselves in Mexico I have to admit that we use different dialects. I try to stay away from words I know people that are not from Panama are not going to be able to understand, like “awebao”, “kabreao”, “vaina”, etc. I know now my friends do the same. They were using words I had never heard before. All of a sudden instead of licor (liquor in Spanish) it is “pisto”, and raza (race) was referred to as a group of people more than what I know it to be. I don’t even remember the words they were using, but 90% of the sentences were spoken in something I didn’t understand sometimes.
2. Taco shops are serious business: no doubt. It took a census to decide to what taco shop to go to and I see why. It’s an organized business. There are people to help you park your car, they’ve got people that just prepare the flour tortillas for the people that actually make the tacos. There is a big selection of tacos and it was packed. By the way, the women are beautiful…
3. I can’t go to Tijuana by myself: everybody kept telling me it’s really dangerous. There must be some truth to it. I don’t think I want to find out. They see me over there and they are not thinking Panamanian, they are thinking American so they come to me speaking English and expecting that I pay higher prices. One time they charged me $90 for a $15 bottle of rum..
4. I was reminded that when you’re a foreigner people like you better, at least initially: everybody is hospitable. They want you to leave with a good impression of where they are from. I’ve always wanted to show foreigners in Panama the best my country has. Oh yes, the women pay more attention to you too. Even if they’ve got a man they’ll be looking at you and curious. If you can speak their language it’s definitely a plus and the women are beautiful… did I say that already? I like my Latinas..

The past, present and future of human existence are just as dark as they were thousands of years ago before we learned about science, evolution and came to think of ourselves as the supreme beings on Earth. We all are born, we live and we die. That’s about as sure as we know things are. Science says we came from monkeys and before that from a big bang… it’s a theory…. Some religions say we came from a guy named Adam and his female partner Eve, who were both part of God’s seven day creation of this world… that’s another theory…

Truth is, we don’t know. Now that we consider ourselves supreme beings on the face of the Earth we want to think we’ve got it all figure it. Hell, we are even sure of the spiritual things like we’ve got souls and, in effect, we do go somewhere after death because… well we will live forever damn it! We are the human species and there is nothing better and more capable than us in this world. Now, I know of ego-centrism and ethnocentrism, but what do we call the centric views of a whole species?

I know I’ve come out sounding like a know-it-all sometimes, but life experiences have humbled me and made me recognize that even if I was to become the smartest person in the world it wouldn’t do any good without the help of others. And so I’ve also came to recognize that when I don’t know something it is better to say “I don’t know” than to pretend I do. Prove me wrong and I look like a fool. Say “I don’t know” and I’ll learn something new. Isn’t that better? I mean, do we really have to go around pretending like we know what comes after death as if we went there and came back? Can anyone in this world guarantee that when the physical dies I will still remain in the form of a spirit? A soul? Can anyone guarantee that when I die I just won’t stop existing?

Stop the bullshit! People feeding each other crap they believe by pure faith, but never actually experienced. Thanks for sharing your message, I’ve heard it, now let me make my own decisions. Talk to me about what’s happening here, now! Show me that you can leave in peace with what we have here, now!! Look at us… we’ve got so many subdivisions we can’t even describe ourselves in one word. Before Christians, Muslims, Americans and Japanese, Asians and Africans, Blacks and Indians, Aryans, Latin Americans, Chinese, Haitians, Buddhists and every other group we’ve made we are Humans. Bound together by micro organisms organized in a way that allow us to create more of us. These same micro organisms are part of every living thing and we use it to survive. Show that you care before we self destruct…

I spent most of my day running around the college campus trying to get my classes for the summer registered. Got it done though and I start May 28th. It feels good to know that I’m that much closer to finishing. At the same time I also recognize the necessity to act more. I’ve been wanting to learn as much as possible about many things. Recently my biggest infatuation has been music. I called it an infatuation because usually once I learn something well I tend to jump into doing something else, something I don’t know yet. But music feels different. It is as dynamic as computers yet it has a larger connection with people, and that’s the reason why I believe music will become a life affair and not just a short term passion.

I want to believe that my biggest problem has always been self discipline just so I can prescribe myself something that will take me to where I want to be, but the truth is that I’m disciplined in my own way. Nobody has ever had to tell me to keep pushing. I do that myself. Nobody has said “write every day so you can become better at it.” I prescribed myself that medicine and I’m following it. No… my biggest problem, which I also believe believe is a great strength, is my need to have everything be perfect. I can’t put shit out there that is not right to me. The same way I can’t be that guy wearing fake jewelry. There’s people for that and I’m not one of them. Things like that just don’t set right in my mind. Either I have/do/am the real thing or I’m working on it, if I want it that is… So does that mean that time is really my problem then? That motherfucker just keep running up on me. Ticking when I would like it to stop or at least slow down for a… second??? How could I ever have time stop for a second? Imagine that… asking time to stop for a second, so time stops and measures a second… then keeps going. As if a second wasn’t time itself still running…

Hmmm, since time is always going to be moving what I need to do is make everyone else’s time less precious. And I only know how to do that by increasing the speed by which I take advantage of time. Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice… until what I do is so much better than what my neighbors do and I can do it that much faster. Some people say quality over quantity. I like to say quality in quantity.

My report: I liked the story. I wonder if anything like that has ever really happened… I think the entire cast did a great job and I was entertained from beginning to end. It wasn’t the first time I watched this movie and usually I don’t watch movies twice ’cause I find them too boring. This is not one of them.

Rating:

About it: Jonathan Demme directed this updated remake of John Frankenheimer’s 1962 cult favorite The Manchurian Candidate, a pioneering examination of political conspiracy and psychological reconditioning. Major Bennett Marco (Denzel Washington) and Sergeant Raymond Shaw (Liev Schreiber) are two soldiers who served in the same company during Operation Desert Storm, but their paths following their tours of duty have been very different. Shaw, the son of powerful congresswoman Eleanor Shaw (Meryl Streep), has used his reputation as a war hero to quickly scale the ladder of American politics, and with the help of his mother earns the Vice Presidential nomination. Marco, on the other hand, has been troubled with mental illness, and is convinced that something strange happened to him and his compatriots during the war. As Marco struggles to find the truth behind his nightmares and emotional torment, he unearths some disturbing facts about how his mind and body have been reworked by shadowy forces, as well as those of his fellow soldiers — including Raymond Shaw. Featuring a stellar supporting cast (including Jon Voight, Miguel Ferrer, Ted Levine, and Dean Stockwell), The Manchurian Candidate credits George Axelrod’s screenplay for the 1962 film as its source, as opposed to Richard Condon’s 1959 novel from which Axelrod adapted his script. ~ Mark Deming, All Movie Guide

My report: I rented this movie because I saw it had comments from Russel Simmons, Whoopi Goldberg and Damon Dash in it. I wanted to know how black people in power felt about the word nigger, and it turned out to be interesting.

The word nigger or nigga is used among black people in the U.S. in many different ways. When I first came to this country I only knew one meaning for the word. It is that same racial slur most people know the word by. But when I heard on T.V. and on songs, people using the word nigga so freely I thought maybe it is OK for anybody to use it. So I tried using the word, but every time I did it just didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel right because in my brain there was already a symbol associated with that word. It also didn’t feel right because no everybody, not even all blacks, feel the same way about it. The first and only time I heard my mom use the word nigger, she used it as a derogatory term towards my dad (when he wasn’t in the room) because they were having an argument. And even then it didn’t make sense that my black mom would try to insult my black dad by using the word nigger… they’re both black! It’s like this one time I was fighting with my older brother so I called him an “hijo de puta,” a common insult in Panama that means “son of a whore.” You see where the problem is? We’re brothers! By calling him a son of a whore, I was calling my own mother a son of a whore. As soon as I said, my brother smiled at me and said “we have the same mother you dumb ass,” we both laughed and that was the end of the fight. Never again did I use that same phrase on any of my brothers.

Here is my problem with the world nigger: it divides people. It divides blacks from all other races, and what’s most important, it divides blacks who are against the use of the word nigger from those who favor it. If you ask me, I would say the use of the word today in Hip Hop is mainly serving the same purpose it did when it was first used on blacks. I heard Chris Rock, a black comedian, say that there are black people and then there are niggers. I say niggers are blacks. He was trying to say that a nigger is a dumb black person who is ignorant and likes being ignorant, they like to “keep it real.” I am against his way of thinking because, again, it does nothing but cause more division.

I’ve heard people say that “nigger” is a racial slur, but “niggaz” isn’t. What? That is confusing, and the truth is that it is just another way to try to make the word OK. In Hip Hop lyrics, the word nigga is used all the time. These lyrics are not being heard by black kids, they are being heard by every race and culture on the planet. As artists, we black people are telling the word that it is OK to use the word nigga, but many times when we hear non-blacks use the word we get mad, why? The reason why is because the word, in many ways, still holds the same meaning it had many years ago.

The word nigga is a double standard and at the same time a form of empowerment. To the black person it could mean “I will use the word nigga because I want to, and no white person is going to tell me I can’t,” it could also mean “the word nigga is for us black people ONLY to use,” or “I am better than that other black person who looks just like me.” If you are a black person using the word nigga, you are using it to rebel or distinguish yourself. Either way, the true outcome is division.

I choose not to use the word nigga because it divides. If I use it it will be in a sense of unity amongst black people and knowing that everyone in the room is comfortable with the word. I truly love my race too much to help shred it apart. I don’t care what nobody, aside from all blacks, think of the word “nigga”. Let’s get our own black culture to unite so we can have a unanimous vote.

Rating:

About it: The biggest names in show business come together to offer their opinions on one of the most inflammatory words in the English language in filmmaker Todd Williams’ revealing and thought-provoking documentary. In its long and complex history, the word “nigger” has gone from a cutting and derogatory racial slur to a term of endearment frequently used by African-American youth culture. Though the word has in a sense been “taken back” by the very people that it targeted, it still has the power to anger and enrage when taken out of its new context. As a variety of celebrities including Quincy Jones, Russell Simmons, George Carlin, Damon Dash, and Bryant Gumbel offer their opinions on this polarizing word, the taboo of language is broken to reveal an ever-changing society that is constantly attempting to make sense of a dark past while simultaneously attempting to build a brighter future. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide

Hypocrites, have you seen one lately? If you think not it is because you are being fooled, but at one point or another in your life you came to see one so you know exactly what a hypocrite does. These backstabbers, good-for-nothing double-crossers spend their time pretending to be something they are not. They smile at you when they see you and when you are not around you are the victim of their endless mockeries, insults and negative criticisms. The worst part is not their hypocrisy, but what happens when you realize their “wrong” doing. Looking for approval from your so-called friends you start criticizing your new discovered adversary: “I can’t believe she would do that to me, I would have never done that to her.” But you are doing it, right there and then. You are talking about another person behind their back. You just feel it’s different because “she started it.” The truth is, there are two sides to everything. Which side is good or bad is subject to interpretation. Perhaps, the best approach to the problem is to look at things from all perspectives before reaching conclusions.

How often are children told not to play with fire? The child usually learns not to play with fire after that first contact with an object heated at over one hundred degrees of a new experience. The day my child comes to me screaming and crying because he/she just got burned, I will take care of the wounds and ask: “Do you understand now what I was trying to tell you?”

Isn’t it much better to know why, than to follow the beaten track? To know exactly why things happen the way they do is bliss. What’s even better is that by understanding that there are two sides to everything, we can take a negative and turn it into a positive. With this type of thinking, we are not just destined to have a glass that is always half full, we are also now wired for success. Can you imagine if we focused all that energy we spend getting angry with those who critic us and put it into something else? Find out if what your critics are saying is true and then use that information to get even better! People with negative attitudes are always ready to tell everyone else what is wrong. They make for much better friends than the ones who smile but never tell the truth.

There is no reason to experiment on the two sides of everything though, you got to be smart. If you decide to rob a bank and you get shot and die, you won’t have a opportunity to try something else, unless you believe in reincarnation that is. Know that there are two sides to everything and learn to make the right decisions. It is just as dumb to believe there is only one way to everything as it is to believe in single-sided coins.

My report: I just finished watching it for the second time. I think it’s a good movie. I wonder how they did the scenes with London completely deserted. I saw this movie before seeing “I am Legend”, but I have to say that Will Smith’s movie was better with the scary parts. However, because I had never before seen a story about an epidemic told the way it was done on 28 Days Later, I will say this movie wins on originality. I think there’s a sequel… I’ll have to find out.

Rating:

About it: Animal rights activists free a group of infected chimpanzees to horrifying results in this speculative sci-fi horror effort from Trainspotting director Danny Boyle. Waking from a coma in a deserted London hospital 28 days later, bicycle courier Jim (Cillian Murphy) takes to the deserted city streets in a state of mystified confusion. Joining forces with another group of survivors following a terrifying encounter in a seemingly abandoned church, Jim soon learns the truth behind the deserted streets and the menacing creatures that lurk in the shadows. It’s soon revealed that the chimpanzees had been harboring a deadly virus that sends its victims into a furious, murderous rage, and in the days following the initial exposure, the entire population was nearly wiped out due to the resulting homicidal rampage. Is there still a glimmer of hope for humanity — or has the deadly “rage” virus found its way to foreign shores and infected the entire planet? ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide

I don’t have much to say about chapter 4. Malcolm X talks about his first experiences with girls. We all go through that at some point in our lives. That’s when we learn certain things like:

“Never ask a woman about other men. Either she’ll tell you a lie, and you still won’t know, or if she tells you the truth, you might not have wanted to hear it in the first place.”

I’ve made that mistake. All I got was feelings of jealousy, but I learned quick though. Did it once and never again. There’s no point and the same goes with women asking men. Just don’t ask! Let the pages be written from the time two people meet going forward. Leave the extra baggage behind or the relationship will be doomed from the beginning. Unfortunately I’ve been there.

Children are the true way of being. They’ll tell you the truth in your face and smile and talk to you when they really want to. They keep things in a real level and not in the surface.

But then something happens that changes our life, our way of living: society. Society plays a big roll in the way we believe. Imagine if we didn’t live in big groups of people. Wouldn’t this world be different?

I think it’s sad when people lose their personal identity and just become a living waste. Nothing to really live for: you’re brought to this world, you study, reproduce, and die. And what happens if you don’t even reproduce? Then that person’s life is as meaningful as if he/she would have never lived. I don’t pretend to live my life like that.