The first thing is that I have to want to write. If I’m not feeling it then I’m just wasting my time. I can’t force it. That’s how you end up spending hours working on something and go no where with it.

I don’t force myself to write a song either. I just put whatever I’m feeling on paper until I have to say nothing else. Then I worry about making verses, hooks and instrumentals.

Like I said, the most important thing is to be real about it. It just doesn’t come out right when it’s faked.

I spent most of my day running around the college campus trying to get my classes for the summer registered. Got it done though and I start May 28th. It feels good to know that I’m that much closer to finishing. At the same time I also recognize the necessity to act more. I’ve been wanting to learn as much as possible about many things. Recently my biggest infatuation has been music. I called it an infatuation because usually once I learn something well I tend to jump into doing something else, something I don’t know yet. But music feels different. It is as dynamic as computers yet it has a larger connection with people, and that’s the reason why I believe music will become a life affair and not just a short term passion.

I want to believe that my biggest problem has always been self discipline just so I can prescribe myself something that will take me to where I want to be, but the truth is that I’m disciplined in my own way. Nobody has ever had to tell me to keep pushing. I do that myself. Nobody has said “write every day so you can become better at it.” I prescribed myself that medicine and I’m following it. No… my biggest problem, which I also believe believe is a great strength, is my need to have everything be perfect. I can’t put shit out there that is not right to me. The same way I can’t be that guy wearing fake jewelry. There’s people for that and I’m not one of them. Things like that just don’t set right in my mind. Either I have/do/am the real thing or I’m working on it, if I want it that is… So does that mean that time is really my problem then? That motherfucker just keep running up on me. Ticking when I would like it to stop or at least slow down for a… second??? How could I ever have time stop for a second? Imagine that… asking time to stop for a second, so time stops and measures a second… then keeps going. As if a second wasn’t time itself still running…

Hmmm, since time is always going to be moving what I need to do is make everyone else’s time less precious. And I only know how to do that by increasing the speed by which I take advantage of time. Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice… until what I do is so much better than what my neighbors do and I can do it that much faster. Some people say quality over quantity. I like to say quality in quantity.

I got all of my grades back for the spring semester. I’m happy about most of them, but of course there’s one that bums me out. Here’s what I got

It’s good enough to increase my GPA and keep it at the level it needs to be to get in the International Business major so I’m not going to sweat it that much. Hopefully I won’t have to see another accounting class again in my life. The way I feel about accounting is that it’s important to know so I’m not blindfolded, but knowing all the details is not that important if I’m not planning on being an accountant. As a business manager I will hire the accountant to do the bookkeeping. My job is to oversee operations and make the business as profitable as it can be.

Tomorrow is the last day to register classes for the Summer. I need to take two classes and then I have one more semester here at SDSU before I move to Mexico to finish the major.

The RWS final was easy. I know I’m good on that class and now I’m about to go study for the next one: Micro Economy on Monday. Economy and Accounting are going to be the hard ones. At least I know that even if I don’t do well I will pass the Econ class.

I’m well rested. I ended studying until about 5:00 a.m. then took a couple hours nap, studied some more and did my exam. I’m going to eat something now then head out to the library. I’ve had some good thoughts about things to write, but I’m pushing for good grades right now so I’ll probably go back to writing more after this week.

Peace…

I was up for about 32 hours between Wednesday and Thursday working on my Spanish class project. Me and three other students did a news announcement on this animal nobody is sure it exists called the Chupacabras. It turned out great and I learned a lot about editing videos. Something I can use later on for sure.

I’ve just woken up with a headache after about a 12 hour sleep and I’m about to head back to the library to study for my Economics and Writing exams. I’m going straight through tonight ’cause my Writing exam is at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow Saturday and if I go to bed I’ll probably not make it.

I need breakfast…

One of my cousins gave birth to her first child this morning at 1:30 a.m. I’m an uncle, even though it’s hard to feel that way. I think it’s only because I’m not close to my cousins or anyone else outside of my immediate family, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about them. It’s still a little crazy that it feels like it was just yesterday when we were playing Nintendo and watching E.T.. When the biggest worry was getting to level eight on Mario Bros. and having a birthday party at Chucky Cheese.

Even though it has been so many years since I last saw my cousins, I can still remember the thoughts going through my mind at the time we were closer. Before I even turned eight years old I remember, for example, that I wanted my mom and dad to become American citizens. This was because my country, while it was occupied by the American military, had territories that were limited to Americans, primarily military personnel. With my uncles being part of the American military, it always bugged me how they could easily cross into Panamanian territory without needing id’s, but for my family to go to their side of the fence it was always much harder and pretty much impossible without the vouch of my uncles. Even at an early age I realized how unfair things could be. Why did I need permission to explore my natal country when others born outside didn’t?

My determination to get American citizenship grew even more when I started traveling overseas. Everywhere I went it seemed like the dark-blue American passport would always open doors much quicker than my light-blue Panamanian passport. At times I was embarrassed of my nationality because it didn’t seem to do anything for me. My American friends were always more at ease crossing borders than I was. They knew that everywhere they went they were well represented. I knew that if something happened, I was on my own. But this the world we live in, isn’t it? It’s not always fair. After 20 years of wanting that American citizenship I finally got it. I used to look at the United States of America from the outside, now I write from within. And in my heart there will always be a special place for that country who gave me my first breath of air, who thought me so much with so little. It’s hard to describe the way I feel about my beautiful Panama, but my eyes water when I think of her like this. I wish she could have given me everything I ever wanted…

I came to America with a different reality. A reality that broadens scales a bit further than the average born American citizen. This reality is the one that tells me that poverty goes well beyond not having a good education, and that dictators, not citizens, really do control the destiny of nations at times. This dark-blue passport I own represents a lot more than a greater freedom to cross imaginary borders. It represents more opportunities and the accomplishment of a life dream.

I would be a fool to not take advantage of the opportunities that have been given to me. It is true that every day presents itself full of opportunities, but if we can’t see them then how can we take advantage of them? We just don’t see things the same way if we’re accustomed to them. We don’t think of every breath unless we’re gasping for air the same way we don’t think of every heartbeat unless we’re having heart problems. This is our world, and as unfair as it can be, it is also a beautiful experience, and I know my nephew already holds the better hand. Welcome to this world nephew.

I just finished watching the first season of the reality show “The Apprentice.” It’s a T.V. show about 16 candidates competing for an apprentice position with Donald Trump, one of the most successful Realtors in the United States.

Several times Donald asked the apprentices if they thought they had the genes for becoming a leader. I’ve always dismissed that thought, but now I’m wondering. Could it be possible that certain people are born with gifts that go beyond physical abilities? Like the way certain people process thoughts, the reason why babies know to hold their breath underwater and to suck on a nipple, and being able to learn sciences at faster rates than most?

I know what my gift is: I have a great mind when it comes to imagination and creation. This is something I know I can use well in business, where the true rule of the game is to make a profit by solving problems. I also know that my gift alone is not enough to be a good businessman. I still have/had to figure out how to persuade people, learn accounting, use a computer, etc. In other words, I still have to learn how to use the tools that would make me the greatest businessman of all times. It’s the same with being an artist. I still have to learn how to play instruments and write music.

I am lucky to have discovered my gift. Something tells me a lot of people don’t get to do that. The question is: do all of us have gifts we are born with? And are these gifts genetic? I guess the answer to the second question in many ways is the opposite answer to the question “do you believe in God?” Many would say our gifts come from above and not others.

I realize I am leaving a lot of questions unanswered and I do want to know the answers for these questions. I found a good article that explains why parents don’t have total control over how their children will turn out. I still need to research more, but if this is true, maybe it will help me understand why I’ve never liked going to church. Even though my parents forced me to go every week. My brothers never complained and many people even if forced, after 21 years of going to church every Sunday they end up with something. I moved to the U.S. and never stepped foot on a church again. It never became a habit, but maybe some day I will go if I want to.

Is being a businessman coded in the genes of Donald Trump or is simply from watching his father when he was a kid? I don’t care, but I do want to know more about my genetics. Figuring out won’t really do anything in terms of where I’m going, but it does help in answering where I came from.

The Gene Responsibility

Why you don't have total control over how your kid turns out. By: Annie Murphy Paul

I like what Will says starting on 4:43 when Charlie asked Will how he decided to do the roll of Muhammad Ali. Will says he had doubts at first because he couldn’t see the road from doing the T.V. show “Fresh Prince of Belair” to becoming a legendary and world renowned boxing champion on the big screen. That was until he was given the blueprint, or the step-by-step guide to how he was going to reach that goal.

Having a plan is very important. To me, there’s nothing great about going from point A to point B if you can’t do it again and again. If that happens, it means there’s a great amount of luck involved, and how many times can one person get lucky?

I’ve been thinking about the “wall” metaphor Will uses to answer the question on 22:25. He says his parents thought him not to build a wall, but instead to concentrate on laying out one brick at a time the best way possible. Soon enough there will be a wall. I learned about concentrating on the small picture a while ago, but I still think it’s important to know where I’m going. I like to dream first and then lay the first brick. I feel that without well-thought goals there might be a problem later on in terms of self-motivation. Suddenly we lose interest in something or we just stop because we don’t know how far we actually want to go. My problem, as I see it right now, is getting into the habit of following my plan without interruptions. I’m always working, but I’m always dreaming too. It’s hard for me to continue working on something all the way to the end because I get excited about new ideas and I can’t wait to start working on those too.

Right now, for example, I’m reading the scriptures of John from The Bible, Malcolm X, Pablo Neruda Poems, I’m working on the design of antoniobullen.com, I write poetry and music, I am trying to market geecho.com and I write about all these things. I want to do every single one of them and I also have the responsibility of going to my classes and soon I will be working again. I do spend most of my days on my music so that’s a good thing.

To me dreaming is important because that’s how I have set the standards to be not just number one, but also the first to do something never done before.

Will says something really good around 30:04 when he says that he hates the feeling of fearing something. The fear to pitch an idea or meeting with someone for the first time; and that he didn’t want to even take that meeting because of that fear. So he developed an attitude of attacking things that he was scared of. I admire him for that and I wish I had that at my age. I realize that’s a problem in my life and I’m working on it. In my case I feel like I will only attack things when there is no other route to take. In Spanish there is a phrase: “entre la espada y la pared,” it translates to “between the sword and the wall,” and that’s when I usually start pushing back.

Last night I had the bright idea of practicing my rhymes by writing poems. So today I did the first one and I actually didn’t take much time. I was in my accounting class and bored and this is what I came up with:

Variable Expenses and Cost of Goods Manufactured
I have to hear it in the Tuesday morning lecture
They’re teaching the tools I need to work for the rich
Are you serious? I don’t plan to be a bitch

I could give two fucks about inventories and overhead
Show me what it takes to be rich instead
They tell me if I sit in class with a whole bunch of dummies
By the time I get out I can double my pennies

Believe me, I’m fighting to get real money till the day I die
I’m making my money here on Earth or in the skies
Next to Jesus they say, that’s where he’s waiting for me
So I’ll repent from my sins, then sell crack to the kids

The only good thing in class right now is the professor
She’s got a cute little ass I wouldn’t mind tapping into
Hmmm… I hope she’s got a shaved tight pussy
And those perky little tities, I will suck them silly

Hello! I guess it’s time to go
The class has been dismissed so I’m ‘o go home.

Peace

I was making small talk with the professor after class. She’s a TA so she’s really young. I told her I wasn’t into the class today so instead I wrote a poem. She laughed and said nobody seemed to be into the class. Damn it I wanted her to ask me about the poem. Just to see her reaction. If I could I would have sucked them tities silly right there in the classroom.

It’s been a while since I have written anything about my music. Basically, through a lot of practice and forward thinking I’ve figured out how to compose beats much faster. Being able to get my thoughts into notes faster is good, but it’s not the most important thing. The most important thing is the quality, and I do think I’m preserving that level of quality I expect.

Writing is still a problem, but not as big. I have decided that I shouldn’t be thinking things too much. Instead just let my thoughts be, the same way as I’m writing right now and I’m not over thinking anything, I’m just writing.

My biggest problem though is performing. I can’t speak very fast in English and I attribute that to my few years of experience speaking the language. Keeping the pace is very important when rapping, I would say that a good definition of rapping is talking in rhymes over a steady pace. I have to train myself to speak faster so that I can rap better. It won’t happen over regular conversations because I’m already doing the necessary tempo required to speak normally. The only solution is to keep practicing over the beats. Just keep working on it until it sounds natural and is to my standards.

I keep thinking things are coming together though, and I can’t force the speed, all I can do is make good use of my time. That’s why I stop when I don’t feel like practicing. There’s no point in doing something when my mind is not in it, that’s called a waste of time. Besides, anything I decide to do, I know is going to be a learning experience and that’s important ’cause I can use that in my music later on.

I’m still reading “The Autobiography of Malcolm X.” I haven’t been writing because I wanted to finish reading and then get to writing, but in my readings today I came across a statement Malcolm made that got me thinking about the true nature of men and women. This is what it says:

…being that the true nature of man is to be strong, and a woman’s true nature is to be weak, and while a man must at all times respect his woman, at the same time he needs to understand that he must control her if he expects to get her respect.

I disagree with the first part of that statement. I don’t think being weak or strong has much to do with the sexes. I think it has to do with the personality of the individual. To say that this is the true nature is generalizing a bit too much. I do think that a stronger woman might prefer to have a stronger man and that has to do with a feeling of protection. Not because a woman can’t protect herself, but because she’d rather have a man that can protect her better than she can.

As for the second part, well… every person must respect and control others who try to disrespect. When a person is disrespected and fails to control the offender, things start slipping eternally out of control. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman. Of course I will put my girlfriend in place if she disrespects, and I expect her to do the same to me. I don’t want someone I can control, I want someone I consider my equal and I can respect as such.

Comparing one’s self/kind to others and feeling superior is not hard. Being strong enough to compare and praise others for their good qualities while still being able to maintain a good self esteem is what I consider dignifying.