I know what I’m supposed to do. I know I should ignore the bad things, hold on to the good things, take advantage of every single opportunity and never quit. However, it gets hard to ignore the bad things, the untold truths about our nature and the way things are.

I hear your silent words, I hear all of your words… knowing the technicalities doesn’t make me a machine. I still got feelings, and your attitude towards me hurts. Knowing things would be different if the world wasn’t what it is today. Knowing you are not strong enough to ignore the world…

And then you speak to me about love. When in reality the word is just a delicate facade for the real reason people get together. You don’t see yourself in me. Let’s live it at that. So untag yourself all you want. You’re not the only one with a mouse.

I just saw a picture of an ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend and it made my heart beat faster. There is only one person that does this to me. Why? I was never ready to let her go I suppose. But she’s no longer mine and I need to find the way to let it go.

I don’t have a clear idea of why this is happening either. I haven’t thought about her in a long time. I thought I was over her actually. I know it sounds ridiculous to now know what I’m feeling, but sometimes I do things and I’m not sure why.

I cannot complain about anything. The shit that happens in my life are always followed by good things. There are ups and downs happening all the time and I know how to work everything work for me. Ride the good times and learn from the bad ones. In the end, it’s all about what I make out of the situation.

A couple of days ago I was sitting down thinking about opportunities, and I was thinking that for the people that know how to spot opportunities and make them work for themselves, there are no bad days. When I get into deep shit, as serious as the problem might be at the moment, I know that when I get out of it I would have learned something new. Now if I only had more discipline go with that…

I finished all my classes this semester with no problems. I received 260 hours of community service and I’m working on the last 220, even though that means there won’t be a brake between semesters. Insight Society is up and running and I’m in the middle of planning the activities for next semester. My family will be in Panama for Christmas and this week I’ve been talking to a girl that makes me lose my cool… I like it.

I meet a lot of random people. Shaking hands and giving kiss on cheeks is probably how I’ll get sick again. I’ve got rent money, a dream (like always), and slowly but surely everything seems to line up in front of me.

I friend with his successful coffee business made me think about Bullen Tea again. I’m thinking I’m starting to feel a bit tired of chasing my dreams, but it’s impossible to stop. I don’t think I’ll ever know how to live without trying to be better.

People see me as a happy person. 14 years ago, nobody would have said that. 20 years ago I was a very lonely child… I will never forget the emotional pain and how hard it was to go from wanting to belong somewhere to understanding that I should be able to stand on my own two feet at all times.

The idea of getting married scares me still, and I think I’m far from it, but I do wish I had a steady girl in my life. It’s been a while since I shared my bed with a girl and felt comfortable doing it. I want the feeling of getting to know somebody really well. I want to surprise her with flowers. I want to lay in bed, watch t.v. and eat pizza while I carefully study every inch of her body. I want to wake up on Sundays and be surprised with breakfast. I want everything I don’t have right now, and when I do get it, I still want to feel free. I want the girl I’ve been thinking about for the past week to be mine.

Decisions are what life is all about. I’m happy with the ones I’ve made so far, and if I was to leave this world today I would go knowing that I lived a good life and made the right turns. Living in Mexico has opened my eyes a bit more. I understand myself a little better and I know which are the things that I have to work on. My goal here is to become a more social person. Sometimes my nature to be independent gets in the way of building long term relationships. I still keep in contact with friends in the U.S. and Panama, so I take it as if I’m doing something good in terms of the person I’d like to be in the future. Its hard to have a balance though. Everything takes time, whether I’m working on improving myself by becoming more intellectual or social. I also get tired of talking to people, especially when there nothing new to say (understandably so), but I’m good at faking interest. I’m much better at first encounters and introductions than I am at making relationships last.

This is something that I’ve been thinking about for the past couple of days and I felt like putting it down on paper since I haven’t written anything in a while. I’m out.

How have you been? I hope you are living your life the way you want to live it and that it makes you happy. You should know that I never stopped caring for you. You always inspire my curiosity and my heart still beats faster when I think of you. I wished a million times that we could be together, but I am not going to feel sorry for myself any longer. I am not going to beg you to be my side. I respect your decision. I am not giving up on you, I am simply understanding that you were never mine.

The world is filled with beautiful women just like you, but finding one who’s just as beautiful in the inside and willing to share her time with me will not be easy. I am leaving my dear… but I will be back. If you find the man of your life while I’m gone then I only wish two things: 1) that he makes you happy; and 2) that I am one day able to overcome the pain the news will bring to my heart.

I’m not saying you do, but if you do, please don’t worry about me. Live your life the way you want to live it. I know of no guarantees in this world except that life has a beginning and an end. Only time separates one from the other, and this time is taken from us the same way it is given: in a heartbeat.

I had made the decision to share the time left before my end with you, but the sentiment was not mutual and now my heartbeat only dances to the blues until the day I meet someone like you.

I leave you alone. I will not address this letter to you because of my pride and the respect I have for you, but if you read this letter and it makes you feel something, be smart and reconsider your decision. When will I be ready to afford the kind of life I want to give? I don’t know, but it would be good to make my hearbeat dance to the rhythm of the tango.

Above all, always follow the wisper in your heart.

I just woke up to a nice little email from Tracy. She asked me to post her email so I will. This post, like the previous one, is not about dissing her. This whole website is about my life and what I learn from my experiences. If I ever write about something I knew wasn’t the truth then the lie would be on me. I would rather not write until I was ready to do so or just not do it. I don’t have to.

It is sad, but true: when you have friends to support your decisions whether they are good or bad and you don’t take the time to think things through, you end up missing on the learning that would have come out of the experience. Haven’t we’ve heard this type of great support before? “Fuck her, you just need to get laid,” “He’s a jerk, you can do better than that,” “Men are such assholes,” etc. What do friends know? Do they know and appreciate the boyfriend who helped take care of the girlfriend’s nephews the best way he knew how for several months? Or do his friends understand how much he appreciates his girlfriend for taking care of him and showing him around when he had just moved into a new country and the whole world seemed like new again? These are the types of personal connections that make boyfriend/girlfriend relationships hard to walk away from and that friends don’t understand or sometimes even know they exist when they try to help. It is definitely not a bad thing to have friends, but unless we start assuming responsibilities and taking complete control over our lives, friends are more of an obstacle to the process of becoming a better person.

Look at both sides of the coin. Somebody treated you wrong? Yeah, no doubt he or she might be a jerk, but what can you do to avoid that from happening again and with anyone else? Look into the things you can control to make yourself a better person. Yes, I have cheated and didn’t know how to communicate my emotions, but I’ve been practicing and learning about myself and I’m a better man now. I don’t get in relationships with girls if I don’t feel I can make a full commitment, and as far as communicating my emotions, well trying really hard and this blog have done wonders for me. I think I explained my perspective pretty well on I Believe in Two Sided Coins.

What else can I say? I wish Tracy the best, but unless she starts putting her emotions aside and depending so much on other people for moral support, nothing is ever going to change. Through my own experiences I’ve found that sometimes it’s good to take a break from life as I know it and look into myself to find the things I do wrong and fix them. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I make no assumptions and I don’t feel like I know it all either. If I knew it all then I wouldn’t do anything wrong in the first place. I am my worst critic and my best teacher at the same time. The truth, that’s all I want. That way I can start understanding and making things better for myself.

Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like Tracy ever read the comment I posted a few days later on What Goes Around Does Come Around or the post on Waiting and Cheating. All there is to this whole thing is that because of my relationship with her I’ve become a better person. At this point there is nothing else that matters or that I want from it. I took the time to step away from my own ego, looked at everything from her perspective and I learned from the things where I was the problem. As for the things where she was the problem, I just look for girls that don’t have the same ones.

Here are her emails:

———————————-

On October 17th Tracy wrote:

Hey, I’ve been thinking about you lately…  How’s life?

I’m really sorry about the way I treated you.  I hope you’re really happy and feeling succussful.  Write to me sometime if you feel like it. 

Tracy

———————————-

On October 22nd I wrote about her email on What Goes Around Does Come Around.

———————————-

On November 29th Tracy wrote:

I was surfing the web and ran across your website.  Here are the true facts:  #1 I’m not lonely!!! #2 I apologized because I was trying to be nice, but the truth is you were an absolute asshole to ME during our relationship!!!  #3  What goes around comes around??? Then I guess you must have had or will have a girlfriend who cheats on you and is emotionally unavailable.

I certainly wasn’t trying to start things back up with you Antonio.  The thought has never crossed my mind.

POST THAT!!!

I was just thinking about something I heard Tony Soprano say to a friend of his on The Sopranos. The friend was having business problems and Tony said something about dealing with the situation and not feeling sorry for himself. I don’t really like to take advice from fictional characters in TV shows, but this one is true. I’ve felt sorry for myself many times before and I can say for a fact that it is not good.

It’s like jealousy. I learned a few years ago to control and squash my jealousies. I like to say that “jealousy is a wasted emotion.” You spend time thinking about another person, what they’re doing and what not and you end up just doing damage to yourself. Tracy used to make me really jealous sometimes, especially when I was still in Panama and she was up here in California. I would call her late at night to talk to her and she would sometimes find an excuse to get off the phone or not answer at all. I would call over and over again, spend days thinking about what she was doing and hundreds of dollars I couldn’t afford to spare. For what? She was up here not thinking twice about the way I felt while I was living in hell. What I should have done, since it bothered me that much, was leave her ass right there and then. Done Deal.

A few days ago I received an email from an ex-girlfriend, Tracy. She wants to see how I’m doing and is “really sorry” about the way she treated me. I didn’t reply back and I’m not planning on it. I’m mentioning it because about five years ago when we broke up, I knew this moment would come.

She must be feeling pretty lonely now. She’s now 33 years old and most likely still not married. Probably still carrying the same problems she used to when we were together and now she must want a child more than ever. I wouldn’t be surprised if the reason why she thought of me is because someone close to her just had a baby. Maybe her good friend Danielle or one of her coworkers. It’s a far out theory, but because I know her and lived with her for a year I don’t think I’m too far from the truth.

What could I possibly want from her now? If it wasn’t for the way things ended I wouldn’t be in such a good place right now.

What goes around really does come around…

I’ve got this bottled up feelings and I don’t know how to let them out. You ever wanted something so bad that not having it was just not acceptable? I feel that way about two things right now and I don’t have either. I can see these two things as the salt and pepper of my life. I know they will make my life worth living and the same time make it miserable from time to time.

I wish I was ready to say what these two things are, but I’m not. I get mad at one of them because just thinking about it raises my heartbeat, and nothing should have that much power over me.

I don’t understand why I can’t just quit something that has that much control, but that’s what it is. Must be because I need something that challenges me to be better. Either that or I’m a masochist.

I was thinking about the reason why people get married and it really seems to me that marriage comes out of necessity. The problem is not that marriage comes out of a necessity, but which necessity. Everything we do is basically attached to a necessity: we go to restaurants so we can eat and satisfy our hunger because we feel the need to stay alive, we buy $150 pair of jeans because we feel the need to look trendy and part of a group. That’s just how life is, without needs there wouldn’t be one. People get married out of the need to feel safe, or have kids, or do what the rest of the world seems to be doing around the same age. All of these are wrong reasons to get married.

I’ll give you an example from a guy’s perspective. Let’s just say a guy (we’ll call him Leonardo) is young and no desire to start a family anytime soon, has money, is good looking and gets girls with ease. Why would he want to get married if he feels he’s got everything he needs? It doesn’t make any sense right? Well I’ve heard many young girls in their twenties with a job, that looked good and had no plans to start a family that they just “want to have fun” and tell their boyfriends they need their “personal space.” It’s just how things work.

My brother Alex asked me today why I thought people who don’t go to college usually get married long before those who do, and my answer was out of necessity. I’ve heard of girls who get married because they don’t want to work, or study. They feel they love their boyfriend and their desire is to stay home and raise children. The problem is when we don’t consider our options. We blind ourselves thinking that what is infront of us is all we are ever going to want in life. A few years later we might feel very different about the situation. Maybe by then is a little too late to go back to how things used to be. It happens all the time.

I think celebrities have a high tendency to divorce because they feel self sufficient. If a man and a woman who are married have their own money, life apart from their marriage, means to make more money and look good enough to find another husband or wife, then what’s keeping them from getting divorced? They got married in the first place because they felt they were in love with each other. The minute they stopped feeling that way and if there are no kids in between then there’s nothing making them work things out.

It’s probably better to marry someone you know is going to be a good mother or father than to marry someone you think will be a good wife or husband. Ideally you want to have both, but as I’m looking at things right now, I think parenthood is more important and hopefully in measuring my future wife’s parenting skills I won’t be blinded by love. Not that I want to get married anytime soon. I’m a young man who’s good looking and I feel I can get any woman I want. I’m still working on the money part.

I broke up with Anahi a few days ago and I haven’t talked to her since. I don’t know how our conversation got to the point where I was breaking up with her. It wasn’t my intention when I called her. A part of me knew it wasn’t going to work because I started seeing the differences between us. Even though we had many things in common, we have a lot more things that are not.

I’m afraid that I may never get to a point of caring so much for someone as I did before, but I don’t like tu use the word “never” and I’m keeping my hopes up that some day I will. The interesting part is that even though I would like to find a girlfriend I like being around and in love with, I also don’t want to find her any time soon. Simply because it’s not the right time.

I told Anahi that I know sometimes I don’t call and I disappear from everyone, but that’s just me and she had to understand that. She said she did, but that if she was around I should pay attention to her. It sounded like a fair deal, but I know that’s not what she really wanted. I know that she says that because I’m obssesed with my business ideas and her father thinks I will reach my goals some day. I know it is true that I will reach my goals, but if she sticks around simply because something her father said, she will not be happy. It was obvious to me she wasn’t happy, else we wouldn’t be talking about the way I am and what she would like. I think that in a relationship, it is better when two can live their own life without make much changes and living together happily. When I told her I didn’t know how much of myself I could give her and she said “it’s OK”, I knew I had to do something right then. She was giving away her happiness simply to conserve the image of a happy couple or who knows why, but I knew it wasn’t love.

Things turned upside down rather quickly and now she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I don’t blame her. I never thought we were moving too fast or doing anything we shouldn’t be doing, but she did. What can I do now? Anything I say will be used against me.

I thought we were going to last a lot longer and so did she, but I know that even if it hurts right now for both of us, we are saving each other some pain and time. Maybe someday she’ll see it the same way too. For now I just have to hope that she will talk to me again.

I’ve always thought that we can all learn a lot from just looking at animals and how they behave. It makes me wonder about things like marriage. So far, I haven’t heard of one single animal, besides humans, that spend more than half their lives with the same companion. On one hand we end up frustrating ourselves, at times we want to “kill” that other person because they get on our nerves and it is expensive. On the other hand, if things to workout then life can get a little easier, having kids is a lot easier and better for the children and hopefully when we get old we’ll still have someone to share memories and good times with. OK that’s the whole concept of marriage and monogamy which is not very popular in the animal kingdom, but right now I was thinking more about courtship.

Look at the way lions court females. Usually the male has to try more than once to get the female. The same concept applies to humans, but when is enough trying enough? When are males supposed to say: “OK, this one doesn’t want me and I better move on”? Right now my thinking is that the decision is completely up to the male. It’s something that I’m still thinking about so I may change my opinion

There’s this girl that likes this guy. The guy is interested in her, but he thinks it’s too early to think about marriage but that’s all she really has in mind. “Let’s take it easy” is what he says. “Let’s get to know each other before we start making long term plans… in the meanwhile let’s just have some fun o.k… do what couples do.” He’s talking about sex and that’s really it, because remembering her birthday and the romantic dinners are just a means to the end and that’s his plan of attack.

Her tactic is simple: she won’t give him what he wants because she believes that as soon as he gets it he will bail out and leave her with nothing but shame and frustration. As a matter of fact, she’s been trough it before and it’s time for her to take charge. So she promises him she will give him sex, but first he must make her dreams come trough: she wants the big ring, the big wedding with expensive roses from South America, and a house with at least three bedrooms: one for them, one for the baby which she wants soon and the last one for the baby sitter because she won’t be able to do everything herself. He tells his best friend “man, I love this woman! Nobody has ever made me beg for sex like she does. She’s pretty and classy! This will be our last trip to Vegas and after this I’m getting on my knees.”

So they get married and the honeymoon was great. He thinks this is the best sex he’s ever had and all she’s thinking is this is the right time for her to get pregnant, but all thoughts aside, anyone that would have looked at them through a screen would have wanted the same thing. First class seats on flight 357 and a limo ride bring them home to nothing less than a pimped out shack in a nice new neighborhood. She couldn’t be happier. She’s got the man of her dreams and her time of the month hasn’t come yet. He’s thinking differently now. As soon as the plane left Caribbean grounds he’s been thinking money, money, money: the monthly payment on that big ass ring, the wedding expenses her parents helped payed but couldn’t afford to cover all, the hotel accommodations and flight he put on his credit cards and yes, of course, that new 30 year mortgage he just got on a flexible interest rate.

Five years later they’ve both stopped looking at the future. Now they talk about the past and how good it used to be. She wonders why she settled for him and he wants to know what made him marry her in the first place. Their baby daughter is 3 years old and produces the only smiles in their lives. Prince charming turned out to be a broke-ass good for nothing that put her to work as an Assistant Manager for an insurance company and as it turned out for him… he doesn’t even get what he married for in the first place: sex.

Is it worth it to tell my girlfriend everything about my past? I’ve done that before and it led to two and a half years of insecurities. My ex-girlfriend was never ever able to trust me “because of the way I used to be,” even though I never cheated on her, in her mind there was the strong possibility that I would because I did it to someone else. The relationship eventually ended and I know part of it were her insecurities.

Now I’m in another relationship and I’ve decided to tell as well… Telling the truth keeps my mind at ease and maybe it will make her trust me even more. I don’t have to worry about hiding anything and I don’t want to hide anything. Besides, I believe my girlfriend should accept me for who I am. Yes, I’ve made mistakes but I’ve also learned from them. Isn’t that what’s important?

She’s taking her time to get to know me and trust me. Hopefully things will be different this time. I don’t feel there is much I can do, but hope things go the right way and continue to follow up on what I say I am now with my actions.

It must be worth it to tell my girlfriend my past… if not for her then at least for my own peace of my mind.

I studied last night from about 8:00 p.m. till 8:00 this morning for my first Marketing test. I think I did well, but we’ll see when the results come how well I did. I came back home after the test around 10:00 a.m., ate breakfast and went to bed around 11:30 till 3:30 p.m. Then I read an article for my writing class and I just got home. I got a 14 out of 15 on the first essay for my writing class. That’s an A so I’m happy about that, however, I’m missing a point… The professor is giving us students a chance to review the essay and turn it in again. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’m going to correct the few mistakes I made and turn it in again. I’m just not into mediocrity at this point when it comes to writing for  a great. I think I understand the general concepts well enough to demand a 100% on my grade and that’s what I’m shooting for.

I think I’ve said this before, but I finally feel free to socialize more again. For a while now it’s been about upgrading myself, and I will continue to do that, but now I can also spend time talking to others and getting to know people better. There are a couple of girls I’d really like to get to know better. There is one in particular that I’ve never talked to before that has really caught my attention. I’m just waiting for the right chance to tell her that and then ask her out.

I talked to a Muslim girl today at the library and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Not just because she was Muslim, but because she’s also a very beautiful woman. I’ve seen her many times before. She’s always at the library studying and I’ve wanted to talk to her many times before, but she feels…. I guess untouchable is the right word. With that veil that covers her hair, which I know now is called a hijab, always dressed to cover and nothing shows except for her face and hands, but today I just said “fuck it, I’ll talk to her just like I would do with anyone else and if she doesn’t want to she’ll let me know.” So I did, and as I approached her I could see details about her beauty I could never see before because I always looked at her from a distance. I liked her eyes and her face looked smooth; she also has a beautiful smile. I broke the ice by asking her what her major was, she looked at me and I disarmed her with a smile, she smiled back and told me she studies Political Science. I detected an accent, and I liked it. I could tell she was busy so I didn’t want to take much of her time. My job was to brake the ice and get her to notice me, the mission was accomplished so after talking to her a bit longer I said goodbye. I also learned that she’s not a student at SDSU, and she’s only comes to study. I didn’t ask her why. It can make for conversation some other time, but I don’t really care about for the answer that much.

I like knowing about the unknown. I want to know more about her and even though it was just a few seconds of conversation, it was enough for me to decide if she would be interesting. I can look at a girl and just based on the way she carries herself, the way she’s dressed and her friends, I can tell what she’s probably like and most of the time I’m right. I’m not the only one that does this, we all do. I know so little about Muslims that it makes this girl that much interesting, even though I’m already attracted just by looking at her.

Hopefully I’ll get to know her better. We’ll see…

Things started getting more and more interesting by the minute back in the room. After drinking the cheap bottle of wine, which tasted horrible but what did I know back then, it was the first time I tasted wine, Louise called it a night and me and Tracy stayed up on the terrace talking. Getting to know each other better.

I remember the conversation was real smooth even up to the point we first kissed. I’m trying to remember how it went exactly, but I can’t. Maybe it will come to me one of these days. I do remember staying up all night ’till the sun came out, just making out to the point my lips were numb. Good lord, I don’t think I have the patience or excitement to do something like that again. That was high school stuff and even though I was already in college to me it was what I should have done in high school, but never did. I was nineteen and that kiss was what I consider my first real kiss. No “I dares” or other type of external pressure. Just a nineteen-year-old guy and a twenty-five-year-old girl getting together because they wanted to.

We didn’t talk about that night again. But the next day we were holding hands on the bus back to Panama City. Again, like high school kids, I guess now we were together… ha!

It was the beginning of the love I’ve discovered for the female body. It’s like they say: once you’ve had it you can’t go without it. Something about the curves, the smoothness, the delicacy and the smell of a woman… I really don’t understand how women just don’t touch themselves all day.

A woman’s body is the most valuable piece of art in God’s gallery. You can admire it for it’s beauty and you can also use it to create more art.

Saturday was the day that me and Tracy had planned to go to El Valle. I was more exited about the idea of being away from home than going on a trip with her. I really didn’t think of her in a sexual way. I guess it was my innocence.

Somehow we ended up meeting a Native American girl from Saskatchewan, Canada, Louise was her name I believe. Ha… I just remembered having the hardest time trying to say her name right. My English then was not as good as it is now. but anyways, on the way to El Valle we exchanged a lot of interesting stories and got to know each other a lot better. This is, by the way, one of the coolest things about traveling: getting to meet people from other cultures and learning from them. I love that. There we were, a white girl from California, a Native American girl from Canada and a black guy from Panama, all speaking in our own accents and getting along just fine. I would really like for everyone in this world to get the opportunity to experience other cultures and countries.

I had been to El Valle many times before, so I took them to the zoo and we had a nice walk around town also. I remember being worried the whole time because I hadn’t told my parents where I was going. I knew that if I would have asked, they would have given me the usual answer: no. So I had stopped asking for permission on many things for a while now. I would just go places behind their back and hope that I could make it on time for my parents not to find out what I had done.

Tracy, Louise and I were having a good time and before we knew it, I had to catch the last bus home. The two girls were thinking about spending the night and they enjoyed my company and wanted me to stay, which I did. They had already paid for a room at a cabaña, which is like a hostel but you get your own private room with a shower and bathroom. The owner of the cabaña had charged the two girls about $20 for the night. She had said that if I was staying there would be an additional $5 charge. I was trying to stay in without having to pay, but when the last bus back to the city had already left and she saw me there, she didn’t miss the beat and charged me. I mention this because at the time it seemed like a lot of money to me. I had taken that trip with about $11. It always amazed me how people would come to Panama and spend money quite freely, especially if they were from the U.S.. Now I know why.

That night the girls had the big idea of going salsa dancing. I wasn’t into that idea because I was the only guy. If one or both of them got drunk or whatever, it’s all on me. But I wanted them to have a good time, so we went down to this local bar and hung out for a good while. I just kept looking everywhere and watching their drinks. The whole bar was full of guys and a few were brave enough to come talk to us. They would try talking to me in English first to try to figure out which one I was dating. As soon as I replied to them in Spanish they would feel more comfortable and had a few more friends join the conversation. The girls didn’t really get what they wanted ’cause it wasn’t really the kind of bar you go to salsa dance. I was actually glad. We bounced from there, the girls bought a cheap bottle of wine and we headed back to the room…

Back in Panama I knew this guy, Ivan, from New York. He was in the country on a study abroad program, doing an internship for his bachelors degree and also learning Spanish. He was living with one of my friends from the neighborhood, Alejandro. One day Ivan told me some girl named Tracy from California had just moved into the same house he was staying at and that I should check her out. “She’s probably an easy fuck” is what he said. I met her and she didn’t catch my attention. There was just nothing that I saw as special at the time.

I saw Tracy again at the Spanish school Ivan was also going to and I ended up chatting with her for a while. We ended up making plans to go to a town called “El Valle”, which is in the countryside, about an hour or two from Panama city. It turned out to be a memorable day, but that’s another story.

I’m still reading “The Autobiography of Malcolm X.” I haven’t been writing because I wanted to finish reading and then get to writing, but in my readings today I came across a statement Malcolm made that got me thinking about the true nature of men and women. This is what it says:

…being that the true nature of man is to be strong, and a woman’s true nature is to be weak, and while a man must at all times respect his woman, at the same time he needs to understand that he must control her if he expects to get her respect.

I disagree with the first part of that statement. I don’t think being weak or strong has much to do with the sexes. I think it has to do with the personality of the individual. To say that this is the true nature is generalizing a bit too much. I do think that a stronger woman might prefer to have a stronger man and that has to do with a feeling of protection. Not because a woman can’t protect herself, but because she’d rather have a man that can protect her better than she can.

As for the second part, well… every person must respect and control others who try to disrespect. When a person is disrespected and fails to control the offender, things start slipping eternally out of control. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman. Of course I will put my girlfriend in place if she disrespects, and I expect her to do the same to me. I don’t want someone I can control, I want someone I consider my equal and I can respect as such.

Comparing one’s self/kind to others and feeling superior is not hard. Being strong enough to compare and praise others for their good qualities while still being able to maintain a good self esteem is what I consider dignifying.

With every new generation, dating in America becomes a little more informal. There used to be a day when courtship was taken seriously and men would have not thought of asking their date to pay for their part of a meal. These days are now gone, at least in the eyes of Darryl James, founder of Rap Sheet and the author of Bridging the Black Gender Gap; and Vigen Guroian, a theology professor at Loyola College in Baltimore. Both gentlemen have written articles acknowledging the different tendencies in today’s dating world. James argues in his article, originally published in the Los Angeles Sentinel and entitled “Get Your Hand Out of My Pocket” (2005), that women should pay for their own expenses on dates and that if they expect men to pay for them the point should be made clear from the beginning. Guroian, on the other hand, argues in his article entitled “Dorm Brothel” (2005) whether college administration personnel should act as the student’s parents away from home in what is known as in loco parentis or should they continue to let students live as adults who are responsible for their actions in college dormitories. Guroian’s question is raised as a result of the increased liberal dating patterns he continues to see in the students he teaches and comes in contact with in campus, especially when he compares it to the dating style students used to practice when he was a college student.
While James’ article praises on the continuation of informal dates and wishes it would be even more, Guroian’s article attacks this same informality. The purpose of this paper is to rhetorically analyze the credibility of each author’s arguments and reach to a conclusion as to which article is most rhetorically effective.

James background includes a 2004 nonfiction award at the Seventh Annual Black History Book Fair for his writings about the race riots in Los Angeles. He also writes a syndicated column called “The Bridge”, which is the column that appears in the Los Angeles Sentinel. His familiarity with the subject of dating and women expectations to pay is clear by means of examples either personal or from friends. In his first example, he says that his girlfriend was always “asking [him] for money to go out, money to buy new shoes, money to buy birthday gifts for friends and money to spend at the mall” (12). James also elaborates on a second example, this time from a friend of his, were the lady his friend was dating always expected the man to pay (17). This example of logos strengthens James’ argument that other men besides him also feel women should pay for their own expenses.

While the male audience is addressed, James’ main audience is women in the African American community. James tone is at times argumentative. In an example of ethos, James says: “it makes no sense to expect someone to spend money to entertain your grown behind” (9). This example is both, indicative of his harsh tone and main audience. He first uses a very argumentative tone to introduce his main thesis and carries it throughout the article to maintain his point of view, but later in the article switches to a calm tone to offer his final advice: “ladies, please focus on a man’s character, not his wallet” (25).

Guroian uses ethos in “Dorm Brothel” several different ways to get his main audience of college personnel and parents of students attending Loyola College in Baltimore to agree with him. Guroian demonstrates that he had an understanding of the subject not only because he is a professor but he has also asked a young coed for her input on the subject, which she refers to as the “rise of the hook-up culture” (31). Guroian mentions that he is a “father of a college-age daughter” (7) as a form of logos to establish a stronger connection with the audience. Guroian also uses pathos to appeal to the personnel at campus, urging them to reenact old policies. He argues that “women today are far more vulnerable to sexual abuse because the institutional arrangements that protected young women are gone and the new climate says everything goes” (10). Guroian also uses emotional appeal when he writes about the personal experiences of one Loyola College male student residing at the dorms. The student said he woke “up at three in the morning one day last year to my roommate having sex in his bed five feet away from me” (34). This type of statement is clearly used to cause concerns amongst the audience, especially parents. It also reinforces his main argument that colleges need to act as parents to students and regain control in the dorms due to current behaviors. Guroian also makes his ethos stronger when he says he is “witnessing a perceptible dissipation of manly virtue in the young men I teach” (9). He is doing this in order to show the negative effect of “hooking up” and hoping to get a reaction from the parents of students and the college administration.

Guroian finally says that reality television may actually be influencing the life of students. He states that “the coming or dramatic plot is all about sexual adventure and getting as much pleasure from the experience as possible” (21). With this statement he is using logos to strengthen his argument.

James and Guroian clearly argue their points in order to challenge or strengthen the perspective of their audiences. James prefers to use a darker tone and at times insults the women that are the subject of his argument. As much as this type of ethos can grab the audience attention, it can also have a negative effect. Guroian’s ethos seems most rhetorically effective. He presents the argument to his audience and offers good examples to support it while at the same time also connecting with the audience. Guroian uses a formal and serious tone, which helps to accentuate the level of urgency that he sees necessary. Despite an agreement from the audiences, both authors use strong arguments to reflect what is happening in the dating world today.

Works Cited

Get Your Hand Out of My Pocket. Darryl James. Los Angeles Sentinel. March 3, 2005, Vol. LXX, #50, page A7.
Dorm Brothel. Vigen Guroian. Rallying the Really Human Things. ISI Books.

We must have broken up at least five times in two years. And every time, I knew it was the right thing to do, but it was so hard to do because I cared so much about her and I felt like I always had the power to pull her back into the relationship.

I knew how she felt about us though, and I knew I was being selfish by manipulating the relationship. I also knew that I didn’t want someone that wasn’t sure about being with me. So one night I went to her apartment. She had not been answering my text messages or calls like she usually does and that bit of anger helped me do what I always knew I had to do. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was sort of an ultimatum. I wanted her to tell me whether she wanted to be together “yes” or “no”. She said “no.” She just wasn’t sure about us and she never was. I know she wasn’t trying to be mean about it, just honest. I needed her to tell me that. I couldn’t be the one to tell her it was over because I loved her too much.

We both took it well. I gathered the few things I had in her apartment and left as soon as I could. She just stood by the entrance hall as tears were running down her cheeks. When I passed her by to go for the front door she asked me if I at least was going to give her a hug. I think she thought I was angry at her and I didn’t think she would want me to hug her, but of course I did once she asked. I hugged her and kissed her forehead. That was the last time I touched her.

Katie will always be an important part of my life. I gave her more than two years of it and learned a lot in the process. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I know I made the right decision in the past. I am glad I didn’t just run away from Katie that first night we went out. I wouldn’t have known already what it is to love someone the way I did for her: enough to let her go and be happy. I would have also not known by now what it is to have a broken heart. And that’s an important thing to know so I can appreciate the good things even more.

I wish her the best.

The relationship was rocky from the beginning. It never turned into a fairy tale for more than one reason. We each had a couple at least.

For her:

1. She couldn’t trust me completely because of my past and the things that always seemed to be popping out of nowhere. I never cheated on her, but I felt like I was being punished for all the wrong shit I did. Call it Karma.
2. There was that time issue. She was at a point in her life were she wanted to be free. No attachments, just be single and discover herself. By being around I wasn’t allowing that to happen.

As for myself:

1. Money: I have always wanted to make serious cash. I’m not talking regular money, I’m talking about developing unique skills that will make me at least a few millions to start. I was also starting to see the financial burden of my failed business (Bullen Tea) and the social life I was living before I met Katie. And that just came right back to the second problem.
2. Time: just the wrong time for her to come around. With money problems and me trying to handle a full time job, full time classes, making time to see her and at the same time develop new business ideas to get rich from… right, that wasn’t going to go smooth.

After that first date I felt like I needed to clean up my act. The same way when a girl is coming to a guy’s house we start cleaning up, but just bigger. I had too much dirt on me. I didn’t even feel like I could kiss her until I got rid of everything else. I stopped talking to the girls I had in the works and I kept doing what I was already doing with the ones I had already gone through: ignore.

But still, the whole shit was just wrong. I would be talking to Katie and some chick would be calling a dozen times leaving hate messages. I never answered, but even the phone on vibe was getting old. I was dead set on getting Katie to trust me and winning her heart but something was always going wrong. She would find something or some dumb ass friend would call her the wrong name or some shit.

Another thing is that I had a weed habit that she didn’t like. I was smoking everyday-all day. To the point were sometimes I couldn’t remember her name. And that was fucked up because I really liked her, but there were a lot of other things I couldn’t recall fast enough. At work I would be talking to a client and forget the first half of the sentence I was in. Just have a complete brain fart and I would say that I had another call and would call right back. It wasn’t even fun anymore, I was probably spending a third of my day trying to remember things, so I had to clean up that shit too.

I asked her a couple of times to go out with me and she kept saying “no”. I usually ask just once, but for some reason I swallowed my pride. She finally agreed the third time. She told me later on that the reason why she said “no” the first two times is because of the places I wanted to take her. One time was this club called Zelda’s that it’s pretty ghetto, but they have good music and we just happened to be talking about clubs with good music so I tried to sneak in an invitation to go out with me. I think the second time was at another club, which was not ghetto, but still I could have done better. I don’t know what I was thinking. The third time I did it right though. I said I would pick her up, take her to a nice restaurant and a movie after that.

So I went to pick her up, but I never came out of the car. I did not want to meet her father or mother. I had gone out with some girl the week before and she had me meet her family. I felt like I was going to a prom or something. It was really uncomfortable and I didn’t feel like repeating that. So I just called her when I was in front of her house and told her I was out waiting. I know it’s not romantic, but it gets better. Like always, she was dressed to kill. She really knows how to work the looks.

On our way to the restaurant there was this noise coming from her side of the car. I could tell it was coming from the seatbelt hitting on the door and it was irritating the hell out of me so I reached over her to get rid of the noise. She thought I was weird for trying to get close to her that way… conceited.

I don’t know how it happened, but while we were talking over dinner that night, something about her started opening up my feelings. All of a sudden I was nervous and couldn’t eat, my mouth was dry and my heart was beating fast. I won’t even lie, I wanted to get up and run away as fast as I could. I realized the effect she was having on me and it was because she had too many good qualities. Too many of the things I want in a woman, but it was too early for me to find someone like that. I needed to have an excuse to be able to fuck and forget. That excuse never came, and I would have been stupid to not allow whatever was going to happen, to happen.